adventuresofarainbowcrip

[adventuresofarainbowcrip]

She is a boss-ass B! Another song from spring or early summer of this year

This song was also inspired by a Tom Petty song, "American Girl." After listening to that song, I thought it would be cool to write my own lyrics to that tune about how I am strong and brave even when I don't feel like it and feel anxious. I kept a few of the phrases structured similarly but the rest of the words are my own. Of course, Tom Petty gets all the credit for the tune and structure and words I borrowed. I just wrote it as a creative way to express myself. Here's the result :

Well she is a boss-ass B!

Making her own progress 

She has trouble sometimes 

Her mind always racing, somewhere else

A tightness and fear in her chest 

Makes her feel afraid and alone 

Yeah,when she has these thoughts, they try to be 

in control and slowly crush her soul 

And she says You’re okay, you’re alright 

It’s not easy buddy 

It ain’t gonna last all night (all night) 

She is a boss ass B

Well she knows how to be bold and bright

She gives herself love and power

Yeah when the thoughts creep in

 like monsters

 making tears flow deep 

she takes a breath, holds her heart so tight 

Waiting for the pressure to subside 

Yeah it’s so difficult

 Your brain tells you lies 

And they all seem so real 

She says Oh yeah

It’s all right 

Take it easy Buddy

It ain’t gonna last all night 

She is a boss -ass B

[adventuresofarainbowcrip]

Queer Crip Truth - a song I wrote in the spring of 2024

This is a song I wrote after hearing the song "Yer So Bad" by Tom Petty, my favorite musician. I really liked the melody and decided that I wanted to write a song about being queer and disabled. I If you know that song, imagine it as the music behind these words, and if you don't, go check it out, it's a great song! I kept a couple of the words from the original version but the rest are mine, and of course Tom Petty gets all the credit for the tune, the structure and the words I didn't change. Thanks for inspiring me, Tom Petty! :)

They may see my body 

And wonder about me

Don’t understand how queer crips work

Sometimes it’s awkward 

and sometimes it’s softer-  

Sometimes it’s said without words 

But not me, baby

My queer crip truth is gonna save me 

It’s not all sad

It’s the best thing I ever had 

They’ll star at rainbows and wheels so rad 

It’s not all sad 

Some days I have trouble, an internal struggle 

My indentities feel like a weight

The crip's in the open 

and the queer feels unspoken 

And I question it but then I think 

But not me, baby 

My queer crip truth is gonna save me

My heart beats fast 

Always changing, never to last 

It makes me who I am 

It’s not all sad

But not me, baby

My queer crip truth is gonna save me 

Crip girl likes girls  / watches them while her wheels turn circles 

 intersectionality’s a mess

it’s also the best 

Queer crip joy oh yes

Lives aside the unrest 

It makes me who I am 

Queer crip and human 

[adventuresofarainbowcrip]

The Power In Me - a song I wrote in the spring of 2023

I wrote the words to this song in the spring of 2023. It was spurred by the fact that I had recently gotten my drum set at that time and was thinking about the challenges and joys of playing my drums (and doing other things I love) with cerebral palsy. I sing it with a cool rap beat I found, so just imagine that in your head I guess.

When I was little 

Wished I could ride a bike 

Hopscotch , jump rope, what the balance likes

Living in this body 

isn’t always easy, 

Watching people run, jump, kick, spin

Got me feelin’ jelly

My body moves differently 

Balance isn’t breezy

Now I’m out on the tennis court slayin’

Whackin those balls with my whole heart beatin

I’m doin it for me, cause I feel so happy

Feel the power in my swing, racket’s gonna whack it

When the ball flies it takes some fear with it,

Tryin to let go and also learn to sit with it

Sometimes when I play, the more I feel 

The struggle between hopes and reality is real

I’ll never be the same as those I envy

But I’ll always love life which is pretty damn lucky

------------------------------------------------------------------------

My body is strong and is learning a lot

And I’m learning to be proud of the power I’ve got

Hitting those drums with that same power

Crashin on the crash at a late night hour

I just started playin and already I’m killin it

Better watch me now cause it’s gonna be super lit

Skill is different,  some things are the same

Learning patience, self-acceptance, how to calm my brain

My hands go up and down, my mind is focused

Right hand slower than my left but it’s gettin closer

I play how I can with my disabled body

Try so hard to love myself, even though my strokes are choppy

With each stroke my anxiety wanes 

Feel the rush of dopamine to my brain

When I find myself always wishin

 I had a different body than the one I’m in,

But I’m so happy at the same time 

Of the power in this disabled body

That I call mine

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It feels so strange, this push and pull

Try to love myself,

The ultimate goal 

Also remain curious and not so serious

And also feeling upset

 idolizing others

Tell myself it’s okay to feel 

And let it sit 

Then my power comes in 

And says it’s okay 

This back and forth, it may always be this way

I’ll love you no matter what, at the end of the day

Remember you have power even when you don’t playj

[adventuresofarainbowcrip]

I'm back, hopefully for real this time...

I didn't realize that it's been over 2 years now since I last posted anything here. I thought it had been one year but I guess not. I'm a little sad that I didn't post here all that time, but all I can do now is move forward. Well, I'm going to try my best to start writing here again, even if it takes time, even if the posts are sometimes shorter, even if I'm not sure where to start.

There's so much that has changed in the last two years. I'll put a list here and elaborate on these things in future posts. I've grown a lot as a person, I've become more confident in myself in many ways.

I wrote a couple of songs - songs that use the melody of an existing song and I changed the words. I want to try writing my own song soon though, melody and all. Maybe I'll post the songs here as poems for now.

A year and a half ago I got an electric drum set, and this summer I got an electric guitar. It's been a fun and challenging journey of starting to learn to play instruments with my disability, and learning to have compassion for myself. I've gotten really into Tom Petty and developed a love for lots 70s and 80s music. I have been going to see live music and I've even been going out on my own to shows for the first time ever in the past month, which is so exciting! I started buying and collecting records. I listen to lots of music podcasts and love reading books about bands and musicians and their lives. I enjoy learning about music history.

I've spent lots of nights at home by my myself this year since my brother spends about 2 nights away from the apartment each week. I've come to enjoy my time hear alone, and also recognize that it's okay to feel a bit lonely at times.

I've gone through lots of changes in my job as a language teacher, dealing with difficult situations and stress and working hard to improve my teaching and reflect more on it. Overtime, I am learning to not be so hard on myself in this context while still working hard to see where I can make changes.

I started therapy again last January after having been out of therapy for several months. I have a great therapist who is very supportive.

I took a whole year of beginning Russian and it was really fun and challenging.

I've started drawing pretty often. I have always enjoyed drawing but never really considered it a hobby until the last year or so. Currently I like to draw musicians and bands since I'm really into music.

I've started making plans to travel - eventually back to France but before that, to places in the U.S that I want to visit. I've never travelled to visit a friend, and I've never travelled without family, and those are things I want to be able to do, especially before going back to France.

I'm still a cat mom, my cat Ellie just celebrated her 3rd gotcha day/birthday this November! She's my little squishy and I love her so much.

I have now lived at my apartment for 3 years (as of May 2024)!

I'm still here, still queer, still a crip, still love rainbows.

Thanks for taking the time to read this and like I said, hopefully I'll be back sooner than later!

Sincerely,

Nirvana

[adventuresofarainbowcrip]

Summer anxiety : thoughts, advice and empowerment for anxiety all year round

Hey, it’s me again. Your average rainbow-loving cat mom queer crip who also just so happens to experience anxiety. 

A little bit of backstory about my relationship with anxiety. I have been experiencing it in some way since I was a young child. My mom says that my traumatic birth (I was born very premature and was in the hospital for a bit) definitely has attributed to my anxiety later in life. The body holds on to trauma. I had what I would consider to be separation anxiety as a kid, as well as a fear of being sick. As an older child and teen I developed a fear of being out in public (walking around my neighborhood, taking the bus). At 14 or 15 I think, I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I have had anxiety into my adulthood as well and it has shifted and changed a lot over time. I have also worked really hard to learn better ways to manage my anxiety. 

In the past few weeks I have been feeling a bit more anxious. The summer heat is definitely not helping. Last weekend, I went to stay at my parents’ house. I called them crying because I was feeling quite nervous about the heat and other things. I have been back at the apartment by myself now for a few nights again and I’m doing okay. I’m really proud of myself because I have spent a total of almost two weeks at my place without my brother in the past month since he has been staying with his mom more. 

My brother and I were talking the other day and he reminded me that my anxiety always seems to intensify for some part of summer. I thought about it and I realized he’s right. The two most intense and long-lasting periods of intense anxiety I have had as an adult (last year and in 2017) started in spring and continued into summer.

Although what I have been experiencing recently is nowhere near that intense, it still makes me reflect on how I can better manage this and also prepare for it next summer. 

My first piece of advice : if you are anything like me and your brain doesn’t like long stretches of time with less structure, consider ways that you can stay involved in work or social activities during the summer. I’m a teacher and with my jobs, I have the option of working in the summer. I chose not to work at all this summer and now I wish I had at least kept a few hours or worked half the summer. My job gives me a sense of structure and purpose and keeps me out of my head more.

Reach out if you need help or even just someone to talk to : the self-critical part of me was upset for calling my parents to come stay with them during our mini heat wave because I felt like I should be able to manage without doing that, because I’m an adult. But you know what? staying in a 93 degree room and putting myself through undue hardship would not have been a good choice. You should never feel bad about asking for support. Getting support and being able to ask for it (for mental health issue or anything else) is actually a form of independence because you are taking initiative in your life. It is also recognizing that interdependence is good and necessary and helps you be stronger. Asking for help is not a shortcoming or something to be ashamed of. We all need help sometimes. 

I have also talked to friends and family on the phone and this has helped too. Knowing that I have friends and family who would help me during low points, even just that knowledge can be helpful. I also have a therapist who I see virtually every 3 weeks. 

Do things that help you feel good, whatever that means. For me that means listening to music, playing with and petting my cat, watching YouTube, taking a nice shower. 

Reflect and write about things : writing or typing out your thoughts (or even recording them with a voice recording app if you have a smartphone) can be a way to get things out of your head. It’s also nice and very cool to look back later and see what you were feeling and how you got through it. I sometimes write to myself as the caring voice in myself that says, “I see how you are feeling, I love you and it’s okay.”

Tell yourself nice things and challenge the mean voice in your head. I have been doing that a lot recently. After the night I called my parents crying, once I’d gotten to their house and calmed down, I told myself, “Just because you cried doesn’t mean you are losing control.” I will tell myself that I’m doing the best I can, reminding myself that I love myself no matter what. 

Honor yourself and remember that you are you. Just because others are doing certain things doesn’t mean you have to. Lots of people love being super active all summer, going from one activity to the next. Lots of people are more tolerant of heat. Well that’s not me. I can still enjoy summer in ways that make me feel comfortable and happy and try to push against my mean voice’s expectations of how I should be spending my time. 

Rest. Rest is so important and our society does not see rest as valuable. We need rest (not just sleep - other things count too) and it can help your body and mind a lot. Some days I have to take a nap and that’s okay. Sometimes I listen to podcasts in bed and that’s okay too. 

Breathing. Breathing (deep, controlled breathing if you can) really helps calm your nervous system and focuses your attention on something else. I like 4-4-4 breathing, which is where you inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds and exhale for another 4. 

Take care of yourselves.

Nirvana

[adventuresofarainbowcrip]

Staying home alone in the summer : the good, the weird and of course the kitty!

Posted on July 27th 2022 by Nirvana

I’ve been at my apartment alone a lot the past two weeks. My brother has been at his mom’s house helping her and his two teenage sisters because there was recently an unexpected death in their family. My brother and I are not biologically related but we were raised together for parts of our childhood and teen years and consider each other to be siblings. 

Anyway, since he has been at his mom’s for two stretches of 4-5 days, I have been here alone for the longest time yet. Up until this point, I’d probably stayed here maybe 10 nights, but they were a night or two here and there and not for a few months. 

I am really proud of myself for staying here on my own and dealing with stress at first. I won’t get into detail for privacy and because it’s sad but after finding out about that death, my brother had to leave right away and I was here alone with my cat Ellie. That night I felt anxious about being alone after knowing about the death and also nervous because I was supposed to go overnight to the coast (2 hrs away) with some of my friends and mentors. I went to bed, slept really badly and when I woke up, I felt awful. 

I ended up deciding to stay home instead of going to the coast because in that emotional and physical place I was in, I didn’t feel like I could additionally handle being away from home. The mean voice in my head was mad at me about that, because it was supposed to be an exposure therapy experience but I reminded myself that just because I didn’t do it this time doesn’t mean I won’t have other opportunities. 

 Being away from home and sleeping away from home (and away from my moms) is something that still makes me nervous despite the fact that I now live in my own apartment. It makes sense in a way though. This apartment is now my home and a place where I feel safe and comfortable. My brother ended up being at his mom’s for a few days and during that time, I realized that I was, in fact, getting a different kind of exposure. He’s come back and gone away again, so I’ve had lots of time alone here recently.  

Here are some of the difficult things that I have found about being home alone in the summer for longer stretches of time :

1. It can get lonely at times. I grew up in a communal house with many different roommates, and even after that when it was just my family, there was always *someone* home. I am used to hearing the sounds of someone else around. When my brother is here, we aren’t constantly spending time together but just knowing he’s here is nice. I’d never really learned to enjoy being alone until moving here. My parents also have let me know that if I’m feeling really lonely to reach out and they might be able to come over. One of my moms offered to hang out and sleep over if I wanted sometime. I was feeling really lonely this morning but didn’t want to bother them. My mom told me tonight that I really can reach out and at least check in. She’s planning to stop by tomorrow before work to spend a bit of time with me and Ellie. 

I have been having more trouble sleeping because of the heat recently (last night I was up until 4 AM) and the night felt extra long, maybe in part because it was just me and my cat. I have still spent time with my parents on the weekend and with my BCM Buddies online but it’s not the same. This experience has confirmed what I thought before I moved out, which is that I would not want to live totally alone. I would want a roommate or my brother, someone. Living alone long-term would not be good for me.

2. It’s been hot, I’ve had lower energy and some anxiety about the heat and going out. I realized today that I do this every once in a while, it just happens to be summer right now. But I get nervous about not feeling good or worried that I don’t have the energy for plans I made. Then I cancel them and spend time resting (in this case, watching lots of YouTube in bed) but then I have to get back out into the world. 

For example, I was supposed to go out with a friend and my mentor to a waterfall on Monday but I did not feel great and worried because we are in a mini heat wave where I live. So I canceled that, and canceled going out today as well. I guess my body and mind just needs time sometimes to fold into itself and for my world to get smaller, so I can go back out again?

Some awesome things about this experience :

1. Before I moved out, I could not have imagined myself staying here alone for this long. The first time I slept alone here was the first time I’d slept alone anywhere. I am very proud of this accomplishment.

2. I now have a kitty, which is way better than no kitty. Having Ellie here is wonderful. She reminds me that I am not completely alone. Taking care of her reminds me to take good care of myself. We check on each other and give each other love. 

3. I have proven to myself yet again that I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF. This has given me an independence boost that I didn’t quite expect. This has given me an opportunity to be alone with myself and my thoughts which is sometimes one thing I’m afraid of. Sometimes I don’t feel like I do this fully because I always have music or a podcast or a video on but whatever. I’ll get there one day.

4.  I have still been in touch with friends and my mentors at this time as I normally would, which has helped offset the loneliness some. It is important for me to have social connections especially in a situation like this. Even if it’s not in person (a phone call or video chat) I appreciate that very much. 

Until next time,

Nirvana

[adventuresofarainbowcrip]

I got my first-ever Doc Marten boots today! They are rainbow and shiny! Even the shoelaces are glittery! I have never really thought of myself as a boots person, mostly because I usually have a hard time wearing and putting on boots because of my cerebral palsy. It is very hard for me to point my foot (think of how ballet dancers have their feet positioned often). I also wore AFOs (orthotics/ braces) on my feet from the time I was about 1 until 21, and you definitely can’t wear boots with AFOs, at least I couldn’t, because they don’t really allow your ankle to bend. Since I was little, I have gotten used to seeing shoes that I like aesthetically and knowing that I probably couldn’t wear them. So I’m used to disappointment in that area.

 I saw these in the store in a toddler size and I had to try them on. I wear a size 4 in kids (or youth) shoes. My mentor Christopher watched as it took me a good 7-10 minutes to get them on. I wasn’t going to give up that quickly. The fact that they have a zipper on one side made it a bit easier. The rest was just loosening laces and me trying to relax each foot to get it in. 

 I got them on and they made me feel a bit taller because they have a very small heel. I’m not used to boots, they definitely feel heavier than my normal tennis shoes. I wore them out of the store because I was so happy! I had already walked a bit in the mall, and then walked A LOT more in these boots. By the time I got back to Christopher’s car, my feet hurt a lot and I started having a muscle spasm in the top of my foot. I think it’s just because A) I’m not used to boots B)They are new and need to be broken in and C) I am feeling extra spazzy today and there is a tendon on the top of my right foot that likes to get wild. 

Image description - Image 1 : Nirvana is in her shiny dark blue walker. She is standing and wearing a turquoise skirt and gray shirt. She is smiling, but you can only see her eyes because she wearing a white face mask.  She is wearing shiny rainbow boots that go up to the end of her ankle. 

Image 2: This is a close-up of the boots on Nirvana’s feet.

Image 3 : A close-up of a boot in different lighting to show the rainbow shine.

I feel like these boots will not be for long walking in the future, but more for special occasions. I told Christopher that these are definitely boss ass B boots (they feel like boots that a confident person would wear, in short). He said yes they definitely are. Thanks Christopher for encouraging me to try them on and for telling me that they look good on me. 

I’m excited to wear these more! They feel very fancy.

[adventuresofarainbowcrip]

I know, it’s been quite a while since I last posted. Almost four months. That thing happened again where I had all of these ideas and wasn’t good about setting up a schedule to write and then life happened. Lots of things.  So I’ll start with some photos. In the past few months, me and my mentor Christopher have started taking photos of me in front of cool, colorful graffiti around my city. I love how people use so many bright, bold colors and paint the letters in different ways. With the top photo, my outfit that day just happened to match really well with the paint colors. Here are a few of those pictures. :) Image descriptions coming soon.

[adventuresofarainbowcrip]

#SpazzyDanceParty One of my CP sisters, our incredible friendship and why having friends who share your disability(s) is awesome!

Written and posted on Saturday, March 26th, 2022

Note : This is a long post. For the purposes of brevity, certain aspects of my experiences have been made a bit shorter. I will write more posts about some of these things in the future. 

I met my friend Margot in 2013. We met through another friend of mine named M (I am using only her initial her for privacy reasons) who also has cerebral palsy (CP). I will write a post about her soon too. Margot and I began communicating via email and soon discovered we had a lot in common, especially in terms of our cerebral palsy. We both have spastic diplegia and similar bodies and movements in many ways. We both have spasticity, balance issues and movement and coordination difficulties, especially in our lower bodies, though our upper bodies are affected but less so. She lives on the East Coast and I live on the West Coast, and though we have still not met in person yet (one day yes!) we email and talk on the phone every week. We talk about everything - life, work, hard moments and happy moments. Obviously we don’t just talk about our disability but this post will focus on that aspect of our friendship. The backstory behind #SpazzyDanceParty is that we liked to make up hashtags in our emails, and one time I said that when we do finally meet in person we will have a spazzy dance party, because we both have a lot of extra spasticity in our muscles. 

Having a friend who shares your disability can be great because you can really relate to one another. Early on in our friendship, I began to see how cool it was to be able to talk so freely about my body with someone who really gets it. As a young kid, I did not have any friends with CP and unfortunately I was pretty afraid of kids and people with various disabilities. Fear handed to me by my society and internalized ableism suck. More on that later. The point is, I didn’t have my first CP friend until high school when I met my friend M. She is also a very close friend and we bonded over our shared experiences as well growing up disabled. However, my friend M does not have the same type of CP as me, so our bodies are pretty different. 

It was amazing to meet Margot because I feel like the first part of our friendship was just us going, “Do you do this?? Me too!�� “Do your toes curl up like this? Yep!” “Hey, your feet look like mine in that video.” “What surgeries did you have as a kid?” “Do you jump at every single loud or sudden noise? Yeah, me too!” Before I met her, Margot had been engaging in what I will refer to as bodywork - the brief explanation is that she was learning to be in touch with her body, guided by mentors and learning to see how her body moved with her CP and attempting new movements at the same time in a very experimental way. I knew some about this from my friend M as well. M and I began working with a woman on this as well. I will write about this in more detail in another post. For the first time in my life, I was learning more about how CP feels in my body and I shared the hard moments and triumphs with Margot. The first time I got my really tight right toe to rest flat on the floor during a session. Gaining stronger core muscles and being able to do a sit-up with the help of my movement teacher. 

Having a friend who shares your disability can be an awesome way to expand your knowledge of disability-related content and activism, if they know anything about that :) Before I met Margot, I didn’t know much about the disability community and disability rights and things of that nature. To be honest, back then I did not understand disability pride, and I remember thinking “How can people be proud of something that sucks sometimes?” Margot makes films about disability experiences and disability awareness (to find out more about her films, check out her blog at @cripvideoproductions)! she knew more about disability rights and such so I have learned a lot from her. I have learned about disability history, things like the capitol crawl (look it up it’s amazing) and more about seeing disabilities as part of your identity. She has a lot of other disabled friends and has done more disability related stuff in the past. 

Like I said, I didn’t have that experience. I now understand that everyone’s experience of being disabled is very different and that when someone says they are proud of being disabled, they mean it in a similar way to how LGBTQ + people mean it. They are not discounting the struggles or difficulties of existing in a marginalized group. Obviously this is different for different people but disability pride to me means, “Yes I am disabled and yes it is hard sometimes. Society makes it hard and sometimes I struggle with internalized ableism. But I also exist in this body and it is amazing and has value just as it is and I will not hide myself to make others comfortable.” 

Having a friend who shares your disability can help each of you affirm and validate your own identities as disabled people and your feelings about your disability(s). I was born with CP and have been comfortable with explaining it to others since I was a toddler. But I thought of it as something that was a part of my life, not a part of my identity. I had (and still grapple with) a lot of internalized ableism (the basic definition of this is having negative feelings towards yourself or other disabled people because disability is still viewed very negatively in most societies. I liked talking about my CP when I was explaining it, but then I yearned to be “normal” a lot and I think I distanced myself from my disability a lot as a kid without realizing it.  I would get jealous of kids doing really physical stuff that was hard for me. With Margot, it was the first time that I really talked to someone who saw the difficulties of CP but also saw it as a positive thing in her life, something that she could learn from and that was part of her. Everyone is in different places when it comes to their disability identity journey. I now see my CP as something that is challenging but also something that I learn from every day. I have become so much more comfortable with my CP in all its glory and struggles. My disability is something I now see as part of me, in the same way that I am queer, or a cis woman. Those are all aspects of my identity and my CP is no longer “on the side.” I have become way more aware and educated on ableism as well. I have also met so many awesome people in my life who I would not have met if I didn’t have a disability. Margot is one of those people. 

Another really cool thing about our friendship is that we have been able to exchange a lot of knowledge. As I mentioned, Margot already knew much more than I did about disability stuff when I met her. She did not know very much about LGBTQ issues or experiences. I’m pretty sure I was the first close friend she had who was queer. She has shared a lot about disability rights and experiences and I have shared a lot of what I know about LGBTQ experiences and issues. Of course, we are only two people with two unique life experiences, but we have learned a lot from each other. I know a lot more about different disabilities and conditions from learning about others in Margot’s life, and I now have many more disabled friends of my own which I love. Margot now has other LGBTQ+ (and disabled) friends in her life, which is awesome. We talk all the time about parallels between these two marginalized groups and other marginalized groups as well. We also talk about some people’s experience being both LGBTQ+ and disabled as I am. Margot is very supportive of me in both of these identities and I am supportive of her as a fellow person with CP. I call her one of my CP sisters because we have a strong bond.

I love that we laugh together and share our stories with each other. We have grown up together in a way. When we met in 2013, I think Margot was 19 and I was 22. She is now 28 and I am 31. Next year we will have known each other for 10 years which is so cool. We have been there for each other through so much - going to college, difficult times, she was there for me when I moved out last year. There is something really special about having a friend with my same disability- there is a lot that we understand about each other and can empathize with. I’m so glad that Margot and I met all those years ago. She has showed me so much. I know we are both glad that we met each other and are still friends. One of the biggest things I have learned since becoming her friend is that my relationship to my body and to my CP is very important, and is always changing. Having an awareness of your body is so valuable. Some days I love my CP body and other days it’s rough. Margot once asked me if I get more spastic on my period and I had never thought about it or paid attention. Now I notice it every time and I’m glad I do. That’s just one small way in which I’ve become more aware of my body. More on that some other time. Thanks so much Margot for your friendship, I’m so grateful that you are in my life! Even though we have never met in person, I am really close to her and she to me. I know that when I met Margot, I was definitely not at the place where I could write a blog about being disabled! Speaking of blogs, If you want to learn more about Margot’s films about disability, please check her blog out : @cripvideoproductions   :)

See you in the next post!

Nirvana 

[adventuresofarainbowcrip]

A queer dance party and sensory overload : one queer crip’s experience trying to break out of her comfort zone.

Written and posted on Thursday, March 24th, 2022

Content warning : this post contains descriptions of an environment that was very loud, descriptions of feeling overwhelmed and anxious, and also mentions people drinking alcohol. Don’t worry, nothing dangerous or unsafe. Just too much for me :)

Also, this post got kind of long, oops. I tried to keep it short but it’s still long. 

But first, some backstory. 

Before the pandemic, I told my mentor that I wanted to work more on going out to meet people. I also told her that I wanted to try to get into dating. I have never actually been on a date. I was in one relationship for about 5 months when I was a teenager (14) with my best friend (13) at the time. But unfortunately, we had to keep everything hidden from her mom. And when her mom did find out, she told us we couldn’t see each other any more. So I didn’t get to “go on dates” or express my love for this person in public. I didn’t get to call her my girlfriend or have any type of relationship conversations. We did have lots of wonderful, cute (and yes, consensual) naked kissy time together and for that I am extremely grateful :)

I’m pretty sure one of the main reasons her mom separated us is because I am physically disabled and my friend had learning disabilities. So basically a huge pile of ableism. Anyway, long story short, that experience was devastating for me and I let it bother me for a a long time. It was extremely hard for me to move forward emotionally and I held onto my sadness for the past until I was about 19 or 20. To be honest it still makes me sad sometimes, that the first and last time I was kissed and touched that way was half my life ago (I’m 31 now). 

Then, around that time, in my first few years of college, I began to open myself up just a little. I started to actually admit to myself when I saw people who I thought were attractive. My first term in college, at 19, I wrote a paper about sexuality and disability. It’s funny thinking about how I wrote that paper and then a couple of years later (in a Gender and Sexuality Studies class), I had this epiphany. We were reading about queer disabled people’s experiences and I kind of freaked out. I was like, “That is me. I am not straight and I am disabled.” I’ll write a post about coming out as queer and disabled because they were different for me. 

So yeah, then I went to college forever, and I got older. I became comfortable with using the word queer around the age of 25 and started exploring the connections between my disability and sexuality. And although I have become more confident in talking about the fact that I like girls, I still have never dated. I haven’t kissed someone since I was 14. I know you can hook up with people and have kissing and sexual experiences without being in a relationship, but I just don’t think that’s for me. I’m pretty sure I’d get too attached to people haha :P I’ve dipped my toe in online dating but it’s hard when you don’t match with people and can’t start a conversation. I also don’t like it because it feels like you judge people quickly with very little info. 

So back to the beginning of 2020. In January of that year, I was going to go to a queer speed dating event but it got cancelled the night of. So me and my mentor just went to a quiet bar and hung out for a bit. Then the pandemic happened and I just sort of gave up. I guess I felt like, “I’ve waited this long, I can wait longer.” Well here we are two years into this and I’m like, okay I need to start trying to “get out there.” 

So last week, I happened to randomly find a queer dance party on a Meetup group in my city. I told my new mentor about it and he said he would take me. I was nervous and excited. I got my hair cut before and had my outfit picked out a few days in advance. Even though I knew the event was going to be at a bar, I guess I pictured the dance party being like my high school proms or something. We showed up to the place, and within 30 seconds of being inside, I was doubting myself. It was so loud, I couldn’t hear myself think. It was also a small space and incredibly crowded. My mentor and I made it through a sea of people, some of them probably drunk, who did not know how to go around a walker. I’m actually glad I had my walker though, it helped protect me and serve as a barrier. If I would have used my canes, I could have easily fallen. 

They did not have any earplugs at the bar (I had forgotten mine) and they suggested we go to the gas station a block away. They were out of earplugs too. I cried because I thought I was going to have to “give up” and go somewhere else. It reminded me of the cancelled speed dating situation and I felt sad. Sad because I never “go out” and the one time I decide to, it’s too much. Sad because I didn’t really think about the reality of the event. Of course it’s going to be loud, it’s in a bar with a loud dance floor. 

My mentor suggested that maybe if I went out to the back patio, I could at least try to talk to some people. We made our way back through the drunk-people sea again to an outdoor patio. It was way less loud out there. They had a fire going. At first my mentor and I chatted a bit, and I ordered a non-alcoholic drink (I don’t drink, never have, high chance I never will). Then he said he was worried that people wouldn’t come talk to me if I was talking to him. So I moved over by the fire and he sat in the back and kept an eye on things. I told him earlier that it made me nervous to think that I’ll eventually have to do things like this by myself but then he pointed out that I could come with my friends. I definitely would not want to do things like this by myself.

I’m so glad he suggested going out to the patio. I did actually talk to some really nice people. And once I started talking to them, I felt less nervous. The truth is, I love talking to people (maybe too much haha) but I don’t usually go to events like this. I feel like I’m only used to talking to people in a college, teaching or friend context. Not an event with strangers. It is kind of interesting that two of the people I ended up talking to were disabled. One of them was a dancer at the bar, and he told me that he had cancer when he was 13 and they replaced the bones in his leg with titanium. He said he was glad the bar was accepting of him and still wanted to hire him. Then, a woman I talked to mentioned that she was disabled, when I was telling her I want to write an accessibility guide for travelling to France. She mentioned that she had an invisible disability and that people often told her that she didn’t “seem like” she had this disability. She later mentioned that she liked to watch autism videos on Tik Tok so I assume she was on the spectrum. She said this was her first time going out in about 5 years so then I felt less alone in that.

I wasn’t sure about how this was going to go at first. I have always been more sensitive to loud sounds because of CP and underdeveloped nervous system. I know I don’t like small crowded spaces because they are hard to navigate. But I am glad I went, if even to remind myself that next time I want to go to something mellower :) I am glad I got to talk to some people, talk a bit about disability, talk a tiny bit about the pressure to date and find a girlfriend. I am glad I got the chance to sit and just watch people too, including a few “hot babes” haha ;) I complimented people on their outfits. The nice guy I talked to said my outfit was fire. Someone said they liked my bag. And another person said my hair was cute. At the end of the night, my mentor said he was really proud of me. He said he “almost shed a tear” after watching me start talking to people and become more comfortable. 

To all you other queer crips out there : I am sending you love and strength. Do what makes you happy. Do things because you want to try them. Don’t go to an event just because you think you have to. I sort of felt that way. Like, this is how people meet right? They go out and go to bars. That’s what some people do. But it’s not really for me and that’s okay. Be yourself. Wear what makes you feel comfortable and good. If you go somewhere and it’s not your thing, that does not mean you “failed.” It means you know yourself, which is awesome. All night I was calling myself a “badass -B” because I was trying to feel courageous and proud of myself at the same time. And you know what? Those conversations and compliments I exchanged, and the fact that I gave the event a second try were all steps out of my comfort zone in some way, small or larger. Small steps are still steps.

See you in the next post!

Nirvana 

[adventuresofarainbowcrip]

Posted on Thursday, March 24th, 2022. 

Image description - Image 1 )  I am all dressed up to go to a dance party. I have pale skin and short reddish-brown hair in two pigtails. I am laughing and sitting on a brown table in my living room. I am wearing my blue glasses and my skeleton key necklace. I am wearing a shiny metallic silver t-shirt with a black flowery velvet overshirt and mauve colored shiny velvet pants. I am wearing blue tennis shoes.

Image 2) I am standing in a hair salon, waiting to get my hair cut! I have long reddish-brown hair that goes down about 3 inches past my shoulder. I have a bright blue jacket on, my blue glasses and I am wearing a blue mask on my face. In the background, there is someone sitting at a desk in front of a window with a big Progress Pride flag hanging in it. This flag has the rainbow colors but it also has interlocking triangles with the colors of the transgender flag (light blue, white and pink) and black and brown to represent queer communities of color. 

Image 3)  I am standing outside the hair salon. My blue jacket is zipped up. My hair is a bit wet, and so it looks darker. I am wearing my blue glasses and I have a big smile. 

I will write more about my experience at the dance party in my next post. It was so fun to get my hair cut after such a long time. I had my hair cut last spring. The person who cut my hair was very nice and did a great job. It was worth it even though the cost kind of surprised me. Now the ends of my hair are healthy, my hair is much softer and easier to brush, and I don’t have to use as much shampoo and conditioner!

[adventuresofarainbowcrip]

Finally, a victory with the Social Security office!

Written and posted on March 17th, 2022

This is just a brief post to let you know what has happened recently.

If you read my previous post about my SSI saga, then you already know what is going on. But, in case you did not, or forgot, here’s a refresher. Basically, my income fluctuates a lot, and SSI uses income from 3 months in the past to calculate the current month’s income. Overtime, they kept overpaying me more and more money, and expected me to pay back about $3000 dollars. So about a month and a half ago, I filled out a form explaining why I cannot pay this money back.

I had a phone meeting last week with someone from SSI. The night before the meeting, I got a letter saying that I would not have to pay back the roughly $2000 payment. Then, when I was on the phone, I explained my side of what happened, and calmly stated again that I could not afford to pay the rest of the money. The person I spoke to was actually very nice, and actually listened to me. She agreed to waive the other fees, and I assume that someone actually read my form and decided I didn’t have to pay the more recent money either! This felt pretty awesome.

 I asked her how I could avoid this happening again in the future. She said to make sure I report when I am starting and stopping my job (I do that every time already) but to actually go in person since the office will be opening up. She also said to ask them to make a “high estimate” of what I will be making, which will help to avoid as many issues. 

Of course, the day after the meeting, there was $332 in my account, when I previously was only supposed to be receiving $10 since I make too much (I know so ridiculous)...So I need to call them tomorrow and be like, hey guys, is this money supposed to go to me or not? I don’t want to end up in a mess again haha.

Both of my mentors were listening in on the call from a video chat and one of them reminded me of a couple of things, but I did it all by myself, and they mostly just listened in the background as I very politely and respectfully kicked SSI’s butt haha. I’m really glad the conversation went well, I was prepared to get a little more assertive but I’m glad I didn’t need to. My mentors were proud of me after the conversation was over, we all shared a happy moment of “yay.”

Someday, I’d love to not have to deal with SSI anymore, but the truth is, right now is not quite the right time. I’d need to be making more money than I currently am, and I would not want to lose my health insurance or my brokerage services (how I get support from my mentors) - more on that in another post soon. So for now, here I am, and I’m doing my best. They don’t make it easy to get off of SSI. Also, they decide wayyyy too fast that you don’t need that monetary support. Even if you make just a few dollars over the limit, they take away your benefits, which ends up sometimes putting people behind again, so they are on SSI longer. Maybe if they actually kept offering support, even as people were working, so they could get traction and then make more money, people would be in a different place. It’s like having a rug pulled out from under you as soon as you are steady. 

I think that no matter how much a person is able to work or wants to work, they should be able to do whatever is best for them without feeling bad for the amount they are working (not “enough” or “too much” for what they think a disabled person should be doing. One worry I have is, what if I’m never really able to work what would be considered “full time” for an able-bodied person? Will I always be in this between space where I make too much to receive SSI but barely enough to get what I need (or just a bit more since I know how to live on less)?

This experience proved to me that advocating for yourself can be really powerful, and it can actually get you what you are asking for in some cases. I never imagined when I was younger and wanted nothing to do with disability advocacy (more on that later too) that I would be advocating for my right to work as a disabled person, in a sense, and my right not to be held responsible for SSi’s calculation errors and catch-up. I’m really proud of myself for this accomplishment, and I’m sending all of you who have SSI in your life the courage to stand up for yourself!

See you in my next post!

Nirvana

[adventuresofarainbowcrip]

“It’s so nice to see you up and walking around.” Unintentional ableism at my job as a college professor

Written and posted on Thursday March 10th, 2022

I work at a university, which for now shall remain nameless for privacy reasons. I had an experience last week that has just been on my mind so I thought I would share it here. 

On the campus where I work, in the student union building, there is a delicious bagel shop. They make delicious bagels and sandwiches. I know they are LGBTQ+ friendly because I have seen their employees wearing LGBTQ+ pins. And a few years ago, in honor of Pride Month, they had a bagel with rainbow cream cheese. If they do that again, I will definitely buy it, even if it’s mostly for the aesthetic. I love rainbows. A couple of the employees know me and say hi, they were happy for me when I told them I was teaching there now. The point being, these are nice people who do not engage in outward discrimination, at least that I have seen. 

Before I continue, I just want to put out a disclaimer that this is of course me reflecting on an experience I had. Different disabled people might see this differently. And I’m reflecting on it, which means that I’m thinking about it more deeply. 

One of the employees, I think she must be the manager or something because she seems “in charge” of showing the others how things are done. She looks to be a middle-aged white woman, definitely older than the others. She saw me last week and said, “Hey, was that you walking around last week on campus?” At first I forgot that I had brought my walker to campus, but then I remembered. The previous week I used my walker on campus to attend an event with my new mentor. He and I drove to campus and I used my walker to get around.

When I confirmed that yes, she did in fact see me walking around, she replied, “It was so good to see you up and walking around.” At first, I didn’t really know what to say. It feels funny to me when someone sees me walking for the first time and they are so surprised. I know that I have been able to do this since I was little but they don’t. So they assume that I am always in my scooter. I can’t expect them to know, so I have to explain. Here is where I’d like to remind y’all that AMBULATORY WHEELCHAIR USERS EXIST! I know, I don’t use a wheelchair, but people treat my scooter similarly so I’d consider myself in that category.

This is how I explained it to her. I said, “Yeah, I use my scooter on campus mostly because it takes a lot more energy for me to walk around. It’s either I walk around and don’t have as much energy for my job, or I use my scooter and have more energy to do my job well.” I told her that I’ve been able to do it my whole life. I know that she was trying to give me a compliment, and I’m not trying to discount it, it just made me think. For me, walking around is good exercise and I am very grateful for my level of mobility. It is however, very tiring and not really a sustainable way of getting around every single day. Back when I was an undergrad, I had my scooter break down and had to use my walker on campus for months and it wore me out. Using my scooter allows me to be more independent, be safer and not have a fall risk, and also to change my plans at a moment’s notice. If I’m walking in my walker, I can only go so far. In my scooter, I can go much farther, so if I want to go get a snack after my class, it’s much easier. My scooter allows me so much more freedom.

I recounted the story to my friend Margot who also has CP (we both have spastic diplegic CP and live on opposite sides of the US. We have never met in person but talk every week). She said something about how another reason that kind of comment is ableist is because it’s saying that being able to walk at all is seen is better than if you are always in a chair or scooter. Being ambulatory is seen as better, I guess because it’s closer to being able-bodied. I hadn’t even gotten that far in my head so I’m glad she pointed that out. 

This incident also made me think about how when I was younger, my parents and I were trying to decide what the best mobility device would be and we decided on a scooter. A few years later, my moms suggested maybe looking into getting a power chair instead because they are more durable and usually have much better batteries. I’m ashamed to admit that I thought “I would never want a power chair because then I would look more disabled.” I still sort of feel that way, which really sucks and just shows a tiny sliver of my internalized ableism. I know that in reality, whatever mobility devices you use (or don’t) are all important and give people more mobility, freedom and independence. None of them are better or worse than others. They are different and different people have needs for various mobility devices. Some fit people’s needs better than others. I use a walker, a scooter and canes for different things, I’ll talk about that more in another post. Some people use more than one and others only use one mobility device. 

I hope you enjoyed this post and I’ll be back soon for another. I’m trying to get more regular with my posting, sorry it’s been a couple of weeks. 

[adventuresofarainbowcrip]

Making a plan for emergency evacuations with a physical disability and a cat : my process and some tips

Written and posted on February 13th, 2022

I’ll set the scene for you : it’s 4 AM, a few weeks ago. The fire alarm in our apartment starts going off. I wake up, realize what is happening and begin to put my shoes on. I hear my brother get up and come out of his room. All of a sudden I say, “The kitty! The kitty! How are we going to get the kitty?”

 A few months back, I had my first experience with the alarms. They went off at about 7 pm, as I was napping. I was in the apartment alone, so I just put on my shoes, grabbed my Blankie and mask and bag and went downstairs and outside. I used the elevator, as it was working. At that time, I did not yet have my cat Ellie, so all I had to worry about was myself and my Blankie. 

But now, a few weeks ago, I began to get nervous because we had Ellie. I love her very much and would be very sad if something were to happen to her.  My brother ended up carrying her out in his arms, holding her tight, wrapped in his robe. We did not have time to get her into her carrier. I was nervous about her getting loose once we were outside, but she did such a good job. She didn’t wiggle much and he assured me that he would not let her go. There were some people out there with dogs, and it was cold and there was lots of noise. Ellie did such a good job with all that stimulation. 

These first two alarm situations were because someone pulled the alarm - so not an actual emergency. But it still got me thinking, “How can I get myself out safely, and my cat, and hopefully Blankie.” I love Ellie my cat very much, and my Blankie that I have had since I was a baby. He is the most special thing I have, and if I ever lost him or he got ruined I would be so sad. It might seem strange to some that I care so much about an object but he has helped me through so much and he is like a companion. Obviously I would make sure Ellie is safe first, but I would hopefully rescue him too. 

This happened again a couple of weeks ago, at just after midnight. We were able to get Ellie into her carrier. I had a hard time running down the hall and my chest hurt. The first 2 alarm situations turned out to be someone pulling the alarm, but this most recent one was because there was some smoke coming from someone’s window. There was no serious fire and no one was harmed. 

Here is what I am currently doing to try to prepare for an emergency evacuation:

Upon the suggestion of my mom and my mentor, I have emailed my apartment to let them know my concerns about this. They do not have any special evacuation plans for those with mobility issues, but the plans are posted in the hallway.

I bought an animal backpack for Ellie - my mentor said this way, maybe I could carry her out on my own. I can’t carry her in her carrier. I have not tried putting her in yet, but I will soon.

I plan to practice trying to go down the stairs as fast as I can with one of my mentors, with something in my backpack. I’m not sure if I will actually practice with Ellie or something that is about her weight.

My mom suggested that I talk to a couple of neighbors who live near us and ask them if, in the event of an emergency, they could check on me and if my brother is not home, help me get Ellie safely outside. I am planning to write them a letter explaining this and leave my contact info in it.

I want to start working more on cardio excercise - I know that is why my lungs hurt so much when I tried to run, because I need to strengthen them.

I made copies of my cat’s adoption documents and vaccine records just in case the originals get damaged. I would like to make copies of some of my most important documents too. 

I am going to get a sticker to put on our door and windows that Fire and Rescue people and neighbors will see that says “Please rescue my animal inside.” This is just in case something ever happens while my brother and I are both gone.

I would also like to try and get a fireproof bag to put Blankie in, to keep him safe.

I will keep you posted on how this goes. I am feeling nervous but I am also trying not to think too hard about it, and instead trying to problem-solve. I worry about my ability to get out safely, even without a cat. I would have to go down the stairs with my canes, and I can only go so fast. This is my first time creating a safety plan, and I’m grateful for the suggestions from others, since I haven’t had to think about these things in this way before.

Are you physically disabled? Have you dealt with an emergency evacuation? Do you have a pet or pets? What did you do? I would love your advice!

See you soon for another post!

Nirvana

[adventuresofarainbowcrip]

Written and posted on February 5th, 2022

Proud disabled cat mom moment! A couple of weeks ago, I was with my mentor Nikki and the person she was training. We were bagging up my groceries to carry them up to my apartment. I thought to try putting this 20 POUND BOX of cat litter into my basket. We weren’t sure if it would fit, but IT DID! I was so excited! This is the first time that I carried litter on my own. It’s still heavy, and makes my walker harder to move, but I’m proud to say that I carried this litter and some groceries. 

I will say, I had it in my head that I was going to carry ALL of my groceries on my own, and got a bit upset when I realized I wasn’t going to be able to. My mentor reminded me that helping me with that is part of her job. I think I have just been so excited about all the new stuff I have been attempting and been able to do since moving out, that I get a bit carried away. Just because I can do a lot of cool stuff (and am super strong physically) does not mean that I can physically handle doing everything that I try. I had to remind myself that I am doing great, and that having help is okay. It is not bad. Sometimes I just get this feeling of I WANT TO DO IT ALL BY MYSELF, like a toddler or something, who is learning new things. 

I can’t do everything I try, sometimes it’s faster and easier for others to do something for me (this is hard too at times) but it’s all okay. If you find yourself feeling this way, as a disabled person, you are not alone. I suggest focusing on the stuff you can do, reveling in that glory and remembering that help is not a negative thing. 

*Disclaimer : I recognize that my level of ability is only mine, and so people who read this may have more or less physical ability than me. What is hard for me is easier for some. What is easy for me is harder (or not possible) for some people. Wherever you’re at is okay, whatever you can do is awesome, and help is a friend. As my mom says, part of independence is being able to ask others to help you. Independence doesn’t mean doing it all on your own. It means doing what you can while also weaving together a web of help (whether you are disabled or not) to get your needs met. 

Have you ever felt this way? What were the circumstances? If you are disabled, how do you manage these feelings and situations?

See you soon for another post! Stay safe and healthy. <3 Also YAY my picture loaded right side up finally... :)

[adventuresofarainbowcrip]

How having a physical disability and dealing with mental health issues has positively influenced my teaching

Written and posted on February 5th, 2022

Content warning : This post contains a brief description of intense OCD symptoms, mention of an eating disorder, anxiety and depression.

Before I started teaching college French in the fall of 2018, I wondered (and worried) that my students might treat my differently because I have Cerebral Palsy. I was worried that maybe they would take me less seriously perhaps.

I started teaching and realized that, at least as far as I can tell, my physical disability does not change how they see me. I am now in my fifth term of teaching college students. They respect me, enjoy me and see me as their professor who happens to be disabled.

I remember a story my mom told me in my first year of teaching. She has her own housecleaning business and as it turns out, I think the grandson of one of her clients ended up being in my class. He was telling my mom about this French teacher he had, how she was kind, funny and he thought she was a good teacher. My mom asked if this teacher used a mobility scooter. He said yes, and then my mom told him that this person was her daughter. She told me this story because she said that, when my student was talking about me, he didn’t even mention my disability until my mom brought it up. Meaning that I guess he just saw it as part of me but not necessarily the first thing he thought of. I’m not saying that my disability is not important - there are places for it to be front and center, such as on this blog. I’m just used to that being one of the first things people notice and take with them, and it was cool that for this student it was not the first thing when he described me.

I think in my first year of teaching, I made a point to briefly tell my students about my physical disability just so that they would know. But this year so far, I kind of forgot at the beginning of the term and realized that they don’t necessarily need to know that, unless it comes up or I feel like telling them.

 I think that having a physical disability has influenced my relationships with my students in a positive way. It has made me want to make sure that my students with various disabilities are getting the support they need from the Disability Resource Center at our university, and it has made me feel more comfortable talking with students about these things. 

So far, I have not had a physically disabled student that I was aware of, but if and when I do, I will help them to the best of my ability. I have only had a few students who have needed accommodations and from what I could tell, had either learning disabilities or anxiety.  Accommodations forms do not explicitly state a person’s disabilities or conditions, so I only know if students disclose this to me.

 I had one student last term who was in her early 30s and just within the last year got diagnosed with ADHD. She had asked me if she could stand in class because sitting for long periods made it hard to concentrate. I said of course, and then wrote her an email letting me know about how to get set up with accommodations. She thanked me for sharing that and said that she had no idea what was even available to her because this was her first time in college with this diagnosis. 

Having my own challenges with mental health has definitely impacted how I respond to students dealing with similar things. I have had anxiety since I was young, have had challenges with an eating disorder (ARFID), have had some situational depression and I had an episode of intense OCD when I was 26, in 2017. As I mentioned in my last post, when I started grad school, I was coming down from my very intense OCD period. That spring and summer, things were so bad that I washed my hands until they bled, could not sit down anywhere and could not hug my family members or touch our cats because I was so afraid of contamination. I ended up being able to stay in school with a reduced workload, and this saved me. Being at school and having to be in the world meant that I focused less on my compulsions. I was also taking medication and going to therapy at the same time, but school helped a lot. 

Needless to say, these experiences have made it so that, as a teacher, I have a soft spot in my heart for students dealing with mental health issues, and I want to make sure that they can get resources if they need them. One interesting thing about having a physical disability and teaching kids online (I teach and tutor French on Zoom) is that they cannot tell that I am disabled, because I am usually sitting. For the first time in my life maybe, when I started this job online in 2020, my disability was sort of hidden in a way. I have told some of my students about my Cerebral Palsy, but I get to decide to tell them, which is usually not the case. My Cerebral Palsy is pretty visible and I use mobility devices. So people see it usually and I don’t have a choice. 

As far as how my physical disability affects the physical tasks that able-bodied teachers normally do, it doesn’t change too much for me. I have a hard time passing out papers, and it takes me longer to walk around the room (not doing this because of COVID right now). I can stand for my whole class period - this surprised me, since it’s an hour and 50 minutes. I can use the computer and operate my slideshow with my lessons. It is harder for me to write on whiteboards and chalkboards because I am standing and left-handed (and only 5 foot tall). So instead, I just use a Google Doc or a new slide in my slideshow as a whiteboard.

Are you a disabled teacher? How does your disability/s or condition/s influence your teaching? I never had any disabled teachers (that I was aware of) so I hope to show others that you can be disabled and a teacher, and maybe inspire some people who want to teach (disabled or not). Doing my job as a teacher has increased my independence so much as well.

See you in the next post!

[adventuresofarainbowcrip]

Some things I have learned about teaching along the way, and some reasons why this is the best job ever!

Posted on January 29th, 2022

1) Teachers / professors do not have to wear certain clothing. It’s about how you carry yourself, how you behave and what you say. 

When I first began teaching undergraduates, I thought that I would have to change my whole wardrobe to be taken seriously. I like to wear colorful clothing a lot, or various patterns. I have since come to learn that this is not the case. I often wear patterned shirts with jeans or sweatpants and my students respect me. I still look clean and professional but also comfortable. Not in a suit. That’s not my style. I try my best to interact with my students in a confident manner and this is important. I have learned now that being a good teacher is not about what you wear but how you are with your students. My students and I have mutual respect for one another which I appreciate.

2) You can still be yourself while also being professional. 

I am naturally a silly, happy and excited person. It is hard for me not to be myself. I thought when I started teaching that being “professional” meant not showing that side of me much. I obviously have a professional persona but she is still very much authentically me. I get excited with my students, make jokes and share bits about my life with them. I have since learned that these qualities help me to be a better teacher because I remind myself that we are all just people. I am a person and my humanity is going to show when I am teaching, as will my students’ humanity. 

3)  You learn every. single. day. 

As a teacher, you are always learning. You are learning from your own teaching (what you struggle with for example) and the class itself. You learn what works and does not work for certain ages / people and groups. You learn how to think quickly and change plans if needed. You learn how to trust yourself and make decisions. You learn a lot from your students. Even though I may have more knowledge in French than they do, they all come with different stories and experiences that they bring to class. Being a teacher challenges me to have a more open mind and see things from different perspectives. 

One recent example of this is that last term, I had a student who hardly spoke in class. After a couple of weeks, I found myself being frustrated with this internally. One day, after I called on her and she seemed especially nervous, I decided to ask her privately why she did not speak in class. It turns out that she was homeschooled and so does not have much experience speaking in groups, and it also makes her really nervous to do. After learning that, I worked with her to come up with ways that she could still participate and not be so nervous. This experience reminded me that you should never assume you know why someone is doing something, and you should try to find out what’s going on so that you can figure out how to proceed. You never know until you ask. 

4) It is okay to admit when you have made a mistake or do not know the answer to a question. 

In my class, I try to show my students that I make errors in French too sometimes, to show them that mistakes are okay and part of learning. I make jokes about it sometimes, to remind them that, oops, sometimes even the teacher makes mistakes. When a student asks me a question, if I don’t know the answer, this is what our coordinator told us to say : “That’s a good question. I don’t know the answer, but I will find out and get back to you” or “Let’s explore this together.” I think it’s also good for them to see that just because I am the teacher does not mean I know everything about French, or that I sometimes forget things. 

Some things I love about teaching :

1) Being in the classroom (virtual or in-person) with my students brings me joy and helps me feel better when I am not feeling my best. 

There have been several days where I am not feeling great either physically, emotionally or both. Maybe I’m having anxiety on the way to work or maybe I had a long day and I wonder how I will make it through a late-afternoon French lesson online. But then I get involved with what I am teaching and with helping my students and it is almost like medicine. It takes my mind off of my current state and allows me to focus on my students. I am very grateful for my job and my students. They keep me motivated and excited even on the hard days.

2) I get do something that I love and share my passion for French with others. 

I feel super lucky that I have a job that I enjoy. As a teacher, I recognize that teaching is not about imparting knowledge to people from me (the supposed authority) to them (the people “under” me). It is about sharing the French language with them and guiding them through their learning. I get to show them cool music, fun words and introduce them to aspects of French and Francophone (other French-speaking countries) culture. I basically get paid to be a French nerd! :) I hope to pass on the inspiration that all of my French teachers (and other teachers) have given me over the years. I try to show my students of all ages how learning a language can be fun and exciting. I know that not all of my students will go on to study French as I did, but no matter how long they are in my class, I want them to have a positive learning experience. 

3) I get to feel fancy. 

I have a nametag that I wear for my university job. It says “Faculty/Staff” on it and it makes me feel professional. I love wearing my nametag. I tell my university students that they can call me either Nirvana or Madame. I enjoy getting emails addressed to “Professor F. (my last name, omitted for privacy). I also love getting emails that begin with “Bonjour Madame.” Both of those feel very fancy and teachery and it makes me feel proud of where I am and how far I’ve come.

4) Being  a teacher still has a lot of responsibility, but it is not the same as being a student. 

Since I have started as an adjunct this fall, I have had this experience quite a few times where I look around at all the students on campus and feel a great sense of relief that I am no longer a student. I still have lots of responsibilities, and many that a student would not have. Of course, I want my students and the others on campus to enjoy their time as a student, and I hope that they do. But I also just think sometimes, “Wow. I’m sooo glad I don’t have homework to do.” If I ever go further in my studies and get a PhD, I’ll be a student again. I know I’ll enjoy that if I do it. I love school. But until then, I will relish my time as just a teacher. 

5) My students (or children’s parents) let me know that they appreciate my teaching, which makes me feel really good.

I have received emails from parents of my school-age students thanking me for my lessons with their children, telling me how much their kid enjoys my lessons and /or how they appreciate that I’m helping their child. It’s cool to have the opportunity to teach children and teens as well, and to play a small part in someone’s development and educational journey. When I taught as a grad student, I received positive feedback from my students. 

So far this year, in a reflective assignment that my students have to do every two weeks, I have had several students tell me that they are enjoying the class and are excited to keep learning French. I have had others thank me for teaching them. Last term, someone let me know that they appreciated that I addressed the subject of newly created gender neutral pronouns in French. This term, a student told me she has anxiety about speaking in class. I asked if there was anything I could do to help make her feel more comfortable. She said that empathy, which she has already seen from me, helps a lot. Hearing these things makes me feel happy and lets me know that I am doing my job well. Sometimes I struggle with the idea that I am not “as good of a teacher” as someone else, or that I’m not doing my job well enough. I’ll dig into that in another post. 

Thank you for reading, and I’ll be back soon!