aftxrthoughts

[aftxrthoughts]

[aftxrthoughts]

i let my skies go gray

another day i leave my head down

hiding from the very thing i am afraid of

myself

i am too much or not enough

slipping from a beam

tossing me over the brink of anger

and stealing all my joy

[aftxrthoughts]

I don’t know why I feel

the need to romanticize

Every single meaningless

thing in my life

As if someone’s gonna watch

me all starry eyed

And hand me

a 93 cent postcard to sign

With a picture on it from

a lake that isn’t too different

From the one that I’ve passed

since I was an infant

I’m scared that

if I don’t romanticize

I might lose it all

and break unrepairable ties

From the future that I’ve created

with meaningful lies

Of someone with a past

that’s stuck staring at the lights

[aftxrthoughts]

I recall staring at your face

as the television and its cool light

flickered in smooth waves upon it

a neutral expression calmly resting

upon a pillow on a spacious couch

that only a soul away from this world

can express when it doesn’t know

where in space it is or who holds a place for it

I have many regrets from that evening

but not embracing you after you awoke

and admitting what I hid in plain sight

from you all year after we met

supersedes any other ones I recollect

[aftxrthoughts]

I really wanted to see myself succeed

I wanted to consume the earth in its entirety

but that would make me fat

and i’m already fat enough

why do i eat so much?

that actor on the silver screen

is so much skinnier than me

and the curve that flows from his

broad, muscular shoulders

to his tiny waist

makes him more attractive than me

i forget he’s thirty-five in that picture

and i’m only twenty

yet i take one look in the mirror

and think about the fifty things to improve

about me

but no

i am perfect the way i am

and i’m so smart

so what if those friends i barely hang with

think i’m declining academically?

they weren’t gifted the way i was in grade school

i was so ahead of the others

that when i began to lap them

i thought i was behind

and that’s where my mind stayed

behind

in the past

because that’s all i think about

is the past

i wonder why i did what i did

to her

to him

to the other her

they didn’t deserve me

they deserved someone

who set themselves aside

someone who loved them

as much as they loved me

i lie to others and myself

and say i do that in my current relationship

but i do not even know if i want her

because i didn’t finish

the sexual escapade i started

when i was 17

but she’s all i have

and what if

she’s all i will ever have?

i don’t want to die alone

but there’s so many people

people and their bodies

to explore

but she will think i am

gay all the way

with no exception for her

i’m tired of not being straight enough

for the straight people

and not queer enough for the queer people

i’m myself

and i like what i like

so what if i like makeup videos

and scroll to a car video next

and watch that all the way too

i love being sensible and vulnerable

but i also love being stern and detached

i’m such a paradox of paradigms

no one knows what i truly am

and i think that’s why

i think the way i think

because i have all these insecurities about myself

don’t even get me started on my financial ones

or the ones involving my parents

or the ones involving religion

i go on and on and on and on

and it feels like people are tired of hearing this

i absolutely know

you’re tired from reading this

because i showed it to you

and you feel you have to

otherwise you think

i might think you’re a bad friend

but i know you don’t care all the way

and you don’t have to

and that’s okay

because i’m here for you

and i appreciate you for all the days

you spend with me

i never thought i would have someone who would

because who would

you only see that on tv

and they say it’s all fake

i screwed myself over by thinking

it’s real

because i never experienced something real

until this year

this year my thoughts finally collected

they finally stopped swirling

and I finally stopped yelling

squirrel

[aftxrthoughts]

i’m sitting here in a city

where everything moves forward so quickly

and I never stop to think

about how I left my small town behind

but they move forward too

for my sanity though

I pretend nothing changes

and I’m the only one who does change

when in reality

i’m the one stuck in my tracks

stuck in this place

staring at the footprints left behind

eyes away from the trail ahead

ready to stumble

and about to unknowingly fall upon

a pitch black path

of false purpose

[aftxrthoughts]

never thought I’d be here

yet here I am

in a place I didn’t know was waiting

physically

mentally

not even I know

and even then

no one will know

that I let you down

except the demons

that follow me at night

[aftxrthoughts]

awestruck at what I have become

yet full of regrets for choices

I didn’t make

where I’m going

will not be where I’ve been

no matter how much nostalgia

affects my sentiment

I’ll always remember

where I came from

but who I am

is separate from who I’ve been

[aftxrthoughts]

tired of life

but only of certain parts of life

exhausted by the routine

but I enjoy the unknown

if only I could

break the chains of normalcy

and eliminate my menial tasks

I could finally be free

from this life I’ve created

[aftxrthoughts]

in a crowded room

but my thoughts isolate me

no one knows what I think

but I want them to hear

what I have to say

within the confines of my brain

[aftxrthoughts]

I made up my mind

I did not know what I’m made for

but I do now

my voice matters and so does yours

I’m truly sorry

for all the pain and suffering

we’re about to endure

[aftxrthoughts]

the big bad man with his big bad plans won

I’m disillusioned but that is fuel

for the fire inside me

to fight for those who can’t

and to bring justice to the ones who need it

[aftxrthoughts]

I’m surrounded

by people who believe

in me

but I can only think about those

who don’t

why do their opinions matter

if I can’t bring myself

to listen to those

in my corner

why not listen to them?

[aftxrthoughts]

I just wanna feel

something

something real

the actors act something

that isn’t inside them

but what’s inside me isn’t there

so I pretend to feel

and that gets me places

I don’t wanna be in

things I don’t wanna do

but when the true moment

comes around I feel

nothing

nothing at all

numb

numb to it all

[aftxrthoughts]

my past haunts me

everyone’s got opinions

but even my own

accompanies my solace

I lie awake thinking

of my past loves

but to them

I’m a memory past

[aftxrthoughts]

long night

alone

all day

no phone

the truth

will hold

the key

to my soul

[aftxrthoughts]

i think i miss you

everywhere i go

there’s someone that

reminds me of you

but the question

begs to differ

whether i miss your face

or the way we loved