alsojoe

[alsojoe]

i am afraid to post those new sticker question things on my story on instagram that are like "your green flags according to your friends" because i'm worried that i don't have anyone in my life that cares about me like that

[alsojoe]

i had the thought the other day that i would announce the end of my music career after i release a third album. some people are lucky and some people aren’t. or maybe some people are just better. i thought i understood how this whole industry operated, but maybe i know less than i thought. i don’t even know what i’m doing anymore. why can’t i just let go of this idea of “success” in my head? why can’t i just be happy

[alsojoe]

h8ers

today, i found my first haters. i was trying some new-old music marketing tactics by having my girlfriend post my music video on reddit, followed up by a handful of friends and fans upvoting the post to drive more organic engagement. it actually worked, yielding over 1,100 extra views on my video that started out at around 350. i digress.

there were a few comments by patrons of the subreddit remarking that the song sucked and the singer sounded bad. which, by the way, are way easier to spot than the comments stating that they enjoyed the listen. don't ask me why - something about humans having a tendency to focus too much on criticisms. but as i read them, i didn't feel like a failure. what a strange sensation it is to be insulted about a literal piece of your soul, a project of passion with a 9-month gestation, hundreds of hours of listening and fixing (listening and fixing, listening and fixing, listening and fixing, etc.)... and simply not giving a shit.

"I won't be on the internet for the first time in my career because it hurts me. And every time I released an album, I just wanted to be loved. And this time I don't check the internet because I finally love myself." - Bobby Tarantino, AKA Logic

this quote right here was one of the most inspiring things that i've ever had the privilege to hear. those three sentences taught me more about art than years of practice. i think we all begin our journey of creating with at least the subconscious idea of making a name for ourselves and leaving a legacy. oftentimes, we give up on our dreams because a few people discourage us along the way. today, my discouragement came from those reddit users. but i wasn't bothered because i can finally see my own value. i'm learning to love myself. i'm making art because i love making art.

[alsojoe]

I wonder if art has to be honest in order to be genuine? Like, if I’m mad and say that I want to burn his house down… is that seen as crazy? Can I not burn his house down in my mind and just say that I did? Or can I drive her car off a bridge to teach us a lesson? I’d obviously never do those things, but can I say them and still be true?

I often speak in simile and hyperbole so matter-of-factly. I want to be direct, but I don’t know how to do it in a way that impacts others the way that I want it to. So am I lying? Or is it more disingenuous to say what I mean but not convey the exact emotion correctly? What’s more important?

Word on the street is that “art is subjective” or “what you make of it”. There’s no wrong answers. But, level of consequence has never stopped me from worrying about the smallest things, historically, so why should it now? I think my biggest fear is for my art to be misunderstood, which is weird because it’s supposed to be uniquely interpreted by everyone. I just want people to hear what I have to stay and think “I get it”, whether or not they like it.

I guess I’m not interested in being famous because that would mean that too many people with too many opinions would think too much or too little about my music with the volume too low to feel what it is I’ve been worrying too much about. I kind of want to be a nobody but I also kind of want to be someone.

I don’t get it either, man.

[alsojoe]

i'm good enough

and it's gonna feel fuckin epic when everyone else realizes it too

[alsojoe]

last times & a broken hip

There's a last time for everything. Kinda fucks me up. I used to play RuneScape every day, then one day I just stopped. Same for Minecraft. There are people that I used to talk to every day. But I guess you can hardly blame that on one person, right? Is it just the convergence of last times for both involved? Is not considering last times while doing something a result of not being mindful, or is it hyper-fixation on the current moment to the point of not being able to see the bigger picture? One day I'll say "see ya later" to my parents, but there won't be a later.

This might sound shitty, but I'm completely unsure if I'll even be sad if my parents were to die suddenly. I mean, I'll be sad, but broken-hearted? Dunno. I think I've been mentally preparing myself for that moment for several years. College kind of has this way of making the time pass by really quickly. I remember leaving for my freshman year and my parents seemed young to me. But every time that I seldom visited, I couldn't help but notice that they were older.

My mom broke her arm last week, and my dad just broke his hip (among a myriad of other unintentional injuries as a result of carelessness or loss of balance). I thought only old people broke their hips? Oh, wait.

[alsojoe]

short post: imposter syndrome

I just realized that I probably have imposter syndrome. I don't know the depth at which the roots have grown. But I'm ready to start taking responsibility for all of my successes.

[alsojoe]

giftedness & skateboarding

I recently just finished watching the anime Sk8 the Infinity for the second time. Totally recommend it. both times, I've pondered what it would be like to be Langa. He represents someone who's gifted, to a high degree. Immediately being able to jump into the realm of skating and become a legend in a very short amount of time. Meanwhile, Reki is standing on the sideline, cheering for his friend *cough*love interest*cough*... But sometimes, it's really fucking hard to be cheering. Especially when the person you're cheering for surpasses you - all of the hours and hours of time spent honing your ability - all because of their natural ability.

I think I'm Reki. In almost every way. I'd spend so much time studying in school just to make decent grades, whereas others in the class would study the day before and walk away with A's. I practiced basketball in high school nearly all of my waking hours, but I always choked whenever the ball was passed my way. I've been making music for years, and it feels like seventeen-year-olds already have it more figured out than me. There's definitely a lesson in all of this, and that is to do things my way because I'm not the same as everyone else, but sometimes that's not what I want. Sometimes I want to be the gifted one and to be successful as fast as possible. It's like my mind is constantly wondering when I'll get my opportunity.

Truthfully, I've felt pretty dumb my entire life. And maybe that's why I've always felt the need to overcompensate. Because I have a desire to impress people. I want so badly for people to look up to me and think I've done something grand. I think that's why I majored in chemistry and why I obsess over perfecting a single line in the studio for hours and why I thought that doctor was my dream job as a kid.

I think I need to figure out what I'm doing for me and start doing that thing really fucking well.

Anyway, I bought a skateboard.

[alsojoe]

Far behind. A poem from my poetry book LOVE AND SPACE DUST - available WORLDWIDE on Amazon!!

[alsojoe]

the fool-time artist

I feel naked in front of the world. I have to use a planner for the first time in my life. I'm scared. Not really in a way, though, where I feel like something is going to go wrong. No, not that at all. I'm scared of letting people down and for all my fans to realize that I'm no good.

You see, I quit my job so that I could live as an artist. But that means that if my new career comes crashing down, I can no longer hide behind a desk a think to myself "well, that didn't work out". If my art fails, I don't know how I'll be able to take the information that I'm no longer good enough. It's stressful to think about.

I always talk about how I started making music for myself and how I don't care if other people like my music - as long as I like it, I'll feel good. But you know what? I don't think that's true anymore. Or, I don't think that was ever true. I think that I only said that in the case of nobody liking me or my music. To soften the blow. How many things do I just "say" because I want to believe it? Or because I'm setting myself up for failure?

The truth is, I'm really fucking scared and I really fucking want people to love me. I want people to cry when they sing my songs. And get excited when they see me on the street. There is NO more setting myself up for failure ever again. I have to lean fully into my truest, deepest emotions and understand them, no matter how complex or painful they are.

I don't really know if what I'm feeling is imposter syndrome. I think it must be for me to be anticipating crucifixion. I know there are many young artists in the world in the same position - a few people listen to their music and, suddenly, they feel like they can do this thing full-time. I genuinely have no idea what makes me stand out from that pool, but I've always just had this feeling in my gut that somehow I do stand out.