alternativelit-blog

[alternativelit-blog]

When you're just not sure if this is the daily schedule of a toddler or the president

6 a.m. - Wake up, demand breakfast. Complain that you don't like anything served to you.

8 a.m. - Nap

10 a.m. - Play with trucks

noon - Wonder why it's taking so long for lunch. Voice complaints about the delay

1 p.m. - Allowed two hours of screen time on the Interwebs

4 p.m. - Nap

7 p.m. - Change dinner plans by throwing a temper tantrum

8:30 p.m. - Aimlessly flip through cable TV

10 p.m. - Can't sleep. Allowed more screen time on the Interwebs

midnight - Finally in bed

[alternativelit-blog]

@gq may have upped the game with #SeanSpicer Alternative ABCs, but we started the alt-phabet game. Today’s lesson:

J is for protest

All these women protesting. Sad. Why didn’t they just vote?

[alternativelit-blog]

Today’s alt-phabet entry is brought to you by the changing clothing standards for women. Because nothing’s good enough for the men in our lives:

I is for healthcare

Men have always known better than those hysterical women what’s right for them. They should be thanking me.

[alternativelit-blog]

Today’s alt-phabet entry:

H is for wall

This wall will be good for Mexico because we need to keep the criminal illegals from taking our American jobs

[alternativelit-blog]

It’s an alt-phabet twofer!

F is for immigration

We have to make America first to be great again.

G is for bad hombres

They live in Mexico and are coming for all of us.

[alternativelit-blog]

Don’t delay: Learn your alternative ABCs today!

E is for jobs

I’ve brought back all the jobs from the places where they went and now they’re here and unemployment is not bigly.

[alternativelit-blog]

Start your day with alternative ABCs! Today’s lesson:

D is for oil

We should have taken the oil when we were in Iraq. But there’s always another chance for that.

[alternativelit-blog]

Where The UnAmerican Things Are

 The Emperor wore his sheep suit and denied making mischief of one kind or another

His public called him out: “LIAR!”

 And the Emperor said “I’LL DESTROY YOU ALL!”

 And so, he ascended to power without winning the popular vote.

 That very same week, in the Emperor’s palace, a forest of pawns grew and grew

 …and grew and grew until

 The Cabinet stagnated with the elite and out-of-touch

The great, impenetrable, beautiful wall cut through the south

The environment crumbled beneath the burden of fossil fuels,

and bore the Emperor a boat in a sea of oil

 The Emperor sailed along, without a care, through night and day

In and out of meetings, signing Emperor’s Orders

And in less than a month

He came to where the UnAmerican things are.

 He saw on Twitter and the Interwebs

The places where the UnAmerican things are

And they roared their terrible truths and organized their terrible protests

And decried his terrible alternative facts and skewered his terrible decisions

 Until the Emperor cried “YOU’RE MISINTERPRETING EVERYTHING!”

 And tried to tame them

With the magic trick of denying their first amendment rights to free speech

 And the alleged UnAmericans were frightened

And they realized he was truly the most UnAmerican thing of all

The Emperor of UnAmerica

 “And now!” cried the Emperor “Let the insane rumpus begin!”

 “Now stop,” the Emperor said, as he felt anew the power of the informed. And he sent the UnAmerican things off to bed without their constitutionally protected rights.

 And the Emperor was lonely, and wanted to be where someone adored him most of all.

 Then all around, from the Interwebs and social media, he scrolled through adoring comments from TRUE Americans.  And he realized being Emperor of America was the greatest glory of all.

 And the alleged UnAmericans cried, “Oh please, God, no. Don’t cede him more power. We’ll lose 300 years of Constitutional rights.”

 And the Emperor said, “NO. I’ll take what I want. And it’ll be huge.”

 And the UnAmericans roared their terrible truths and organized their terrible protests

And decried his terrible alternative facts and skewered his terrible decisions

 But the Emperor stepped again into his boat floating on a sea of oil

And he sailed along, without a care, through night and day

In and out of meetings, signing more Emperor’s Orders

And in short order he arrived again in his very own palace

 Where he found his powers and his pawns still waiting for him.

And it was huge.

  h�2N�"

[alternativelit-blog]

After inauguration, @Trump_Regrets continues to be a catalogue of broken #MAGA dreams. Sad!

[alternativelit-blog]

Next installment of the alt-phabet! Today’s lesson:

B is for dollars

The liberal media will tell you there is no B. But they’re dishonest and you can’t trust them.

[alternativelit-blog]

Introducing the Alt-phabet. Or Alternative ABCs, if you prefer. What better way to indoctrinate our kids into this brave new world than by starting with the basics? Stay tuned for our daily alt-phabet lesson!

A is for Duck

Lots of people, smart people, agree there’s an A in duck.

[alternativelit-blog]

Guess How Much I Hate You

Little Toad, who was online checking his latest popularity figures, held on tight to his mobile phone and its Twitter app.

He wanted to be sure that everyone was listening.

“Guess how much I hate everyone who isn’t like me,” he said.

“Oh, we don’t know if we could guess that,” said everyone.

“THIS MUCH,” said Little Toad, stretching his arms and tiny hands out as far as they could go.

Everyone frowned. Their hands were of normal size, and their arms of varying lengths. And frankly, this statement didn’t make much sense coming from a small toad.

“But we don’t choose to hate,” they said. “We look for love where we can find it.”

Hmm. This could be a problem, thought Little Toad.

“I hate you when you don’t think like me,” said Little Toad

“We love you even if you don’t think like us,” said everyone

That’s concerning, thought Little Toad. I wonder how I can manipulate their minds so they understand that there is only one right way, and it is my way.

Then Little Toad had a bright idea. He decided to only Tweet to those people who thought like he did, and question the integrity of those who didn’t.

“If you had my worldly experience, you would understand that you’re meant to be hated,” said Little Toad

“But we do have that experience, and we have a much different perspective,” said everyone.

“That’s because half of you are women, and you don’t have the temperament to fully understand these complex ideas,” said Little Toad.

That’ll teach them, thought Little Toad.

“I’m afraid we must disagree. That ideology went out with poodle skirts and soda fountains,” said everyone.

“Well then you’re stupid if you can’t see the facts right in front of your face,” said Little Toad.

He was almost too angry to think clearly anymore.

Then he looked down through his Twitter feed, through the messages of support from misogynists and the alt-right, and realized nothing was more important than a mindless legion of followers who believed everything they read on the internet.

“Everything would be great again if we could just return to the values we held when men ran the world and women stayed home to raise the children,” said Little Toad. “That would be huge.”

Little Toad let out an orgasmic sigh, and settled back into his gilded throne to await the glowing boost to his ego that came from every supportive Tweet sure to come.

He whispered with a smile, “I hate you right up to the moon – and back. And soon, you’ll all know it.”