alwaaysaad - Tumblr blog

[alwaaysaad]

i don’t understand why everything good in my life has been crumbling apart. i don’t understand. i’m trying so hard to be strong but you can only be strong for so long

[alwaaysaad]

hi why do i have anxiety literally 24/7 🙃🙃

ahahaha help

[alwaaysaad]

I want to cry, but I’m totally numb.

I try to deal with this, but I shut down.

I want to do something, but I can’t function.

I try to realize what is happening, but I can’t think.

Everything feels like it’s going slower than normal.

Every step I take feels like I can’t go forward.

I feel so heavy but also weightless.

How am I supposed to deal with this when I’m not even here in my own body.

My soul is far away, somewhere were nothing can reach it. 

I lost my way, I lost myself.

And to be honest I don’t know if I want to get back to reality.

[alwaaysaad]

dumb vent

ive just been thinking about my past and back to my teen years and yeah i was still depressed, buti had best friends and was constantly hanging out with them, having a good time. i had they’re support and love and it kept me going.

now one of those best friends is dead and i’m still in shock over it and it’s been two years. it’s hard to believe and it still deeply pains me to this day. i wish i had her support right now. like she was so much more than a friend, she was like a sister and felt part of the family. god i miss my youth and my childhood. so much has changed.

i’ve completely cut everyone out of my life and the only people i’ve really got are my sister and my dad, and no real close friends. i don’t get out of the house and have fun anymore. i just don’t enjoy life and i feel like i have no purpose. i’m constantly alone and in my own thoughts.

i don’t really know what this is just how i’m thinking and feel i don’t even know sorry

[alwaaysaad]

me for 3 years straight: “sorry i haven’t been myself lately”

[alwaaysaad]

random vent / idek

people just don’t seem to understand that i’m just not interested in life anymore.

i used to live for having kids and getting married but now that’s my greatest fear.

i have it drilled into my brain that real love doesn’t exist so i should never let me guard down again.

i also have it drilled into my brain that i shouldn’t have kids bc i’m so messed up, im just gonna mess them up to.

i’m literally no good for anything.

i don’t work. i don’t go to school, my anxiety is way too bad and the way i see it, im probably not gonna be here much longer so why try?

why work towards a future that i know i’m not gonna have ?

everyone else wants me to stay, but i don’t wanna stay. i’m sticking around for other people at this point tbh

[alwaaysaad]

i know i’m a toxic person and i ruin everything i touch so i purposely self sabotage every relationship i’m in in order to save them from myself.

i feel like such a fucked up person

[alwaaysaad]

i actually hate myself so sooo so much. i’ve got zero interest in living life and i just want it all to be over.

[alwaaysaad]

progress ,, still disgusting thooo🙃

[alwaaysaad]

[alwaaysaad]

HOW DOES ONE LEARN TO LOVE THEMSELVES BC FUUUUUUUUUCK😅

[alwaaysaad]

vent - sorry

i’m so exhausted that i constantly feel anxious

literally ALL the time. everything makes me anxious and i don’t understand why.

like why am i so fucked

[alwaaysaad]

i know i’m still fat as fuck but i’m very very happy with my weight loss wow ,, still have a ways to go

my highest was 227 and i’m 160 now !!

[alwaaysaad]

loooove when i’m having an depressive episode getting told to just snap out of it 🙃

[alwaaysaad]

self sabotage is my middle name

[alwaaysaad]

i feel so disconnected like nothing feels real anymore.

[alwaaysaad]

honestly why the fuck am i still here