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[alxspeaks]

Mental Health at Work

Earlier this year I went through a really difficult time where I was experiencing issues at work that were severely impacting on my mental health. It caused so many problems for me that it resulted in me being signed off work for three weeks. The working environment became so toxic and negative that I soon left the company altogether. However during this awful time I approached my area manager and HR in an attempt to come up with a solution for the issues that I was facing. This led to back and forth meetings with HR in the hope that I could highlight the lack of mental health awareness in the workplace and be able to offer some advice on how they could look to improve as a company. The working environment was not anxiety friendly at all and there were certain company policies that were discriminatory towards those who suffer from mental illness. 

As a result of my efforts adjustments were made to the company policies that I had pointed out. In the last meeting that I had with HR, arrangements had been made for every manager in the area to identify which of their employees suffer from a mental illness and more mental health awareness training was to be offered to all members of management across the area. The issues I raised had been brought to the regional meeting to be discussed at a higher level. Alongside this I was named the first mental health ambassador for the area and was asked to be interviewed so that my experiences could be shared across the internal company website!

It goes to show that change never comes from suffering in silence. It comes from bravery and persistence! These changes may not have happened soon enough to help me, but my motivation throughout this whole process was the thought that this could potentially help someone else. 

I hope my interview is able to offer some useful advice about mental health in the workplace. 

1) What is your mental health condition? 

My mental health condition is commonly known as Generalised Anxiety Disorder. This is best described as an ongoing state of mental and/or physical tension and nervousness, without the ability to take a break from the anxiety.  

2) Tell us a little known fact about your mental health condition?

Generalised Anxiety Disorder also known as GAD is a serious mental health condition that is a lot more common than most people realise. According to official statistics from Anxiety UK 1 in 20 of us will experience GAD at some point in our lives.

3) What is it like living with GAD?

For me, living with Generalised Anxiety Disorder is like having a bully that I can’t run away from, constantly filling my head with harsh self-criticism, fear, guilt and shame. I'm in a constant battle with my mind and this makes life difficult for me as anything can become a potential trigger.

GAD can be extremely incapacitating and terrifying for me as when it’s really bad I feel a continual sense of dread, as if something awful is going to happen. It feels like walking down a dark alley at night, waiting to go into a job interview and at the same time waiting at the top of a roller coaster. I start worrying about lots of different things and find it almost impossible to relax, sleep or eat because my mind is constantly in ‘fight or flight mode’. This results in major physical symptoms such as sensory overload, migraines, nausea, racing heart, dizziness and fatigue. In addition to this it affects my day to day life as I also suffer with Social Phobia, Intrusive Thoughts and Agoraphobia, so simple things such as having a conversation with someone, deciding what to wear in the morning or just leaving the house can cause me great distress as I tend to excessively overthink all of my actions.

4) What advice would you give to someone suffering from a mental health problem?

Even though it is the most difficult thing to do, it is so important to speak to someone that you can trust about how you’re feeling or contact your local mental health team to speak to a professional. When I first became concerned about my mental health I reached out to a friend of mine who is very open on social media about her mental health condition. It felt so much better to know that I was not alone in how I was feeling and that there was someone else who could relate to what I was going through.

What I found most helpful was doing some research into my symptoms to gain a better understanding about anxiety disorders, as initially it can be scary and confusing. I also found it useful to share my research with those closest to me so that they could understand the best ways to support me.

In addition to this I would highly recommend downloading a mood tracker on your phone to help you keep track of how you’re feeling daily, this can also be really helpful to use in therapy sessions.  

5) Have you ever encountered any issues at work?

When I first joined the company I was undiagnosed, homeless and in a really bad place. My first manager was amazing and very understanding. She worked with me providing support and one to one sessions whenever I needed them. She also worked around my therapy sessions and made adjustments to my shifts when I was feeling unwell. Her support throughout my journey made my working environment a really positive place that aided my recovery. This was due to the fact that she also suffered from Anxiety and therefore had a better understanding of the condition. When my first manager left I found it very difficult to build up that same level of understanding with other managers. Sadly mental health is still something that many people don’t fully understand so when my first attempts at a solution were unsuccessful I raised the issue to senior members of management and finally the Area manager. I refused to stop until I was happy with the outcome and as a result, adjustments were made to continue supporting my mental health journey at work.

6) What do you do to self care?

As part of my self-care it is important that I stick to a routine as this helps me to feel more calm and relaxed. Some of the things that I do to self-care are as follows: 

Exercise

Trips to the spa

Yoga and Meditation

Writing poetry

Colouring books/painting

Write something positive at the end of every day

Spend time in nature

Play my favourite relaxing playlist

Limit my time on Social Media

Another self-care tip would also be to give yourself time to feel your emotions. If you’re having a bad day, don’t feel guilty about it just give yourself the time that you need to feel better.

8) What can we do to reduce stigma around mental health?

We can start by raising awareness in the workplace and providing more information to management and staff about the most common forms of mental health illnesses. This can be done through training sessions or team building activities. It would make mental health seem like less of a taboo subject and hopefully get more people talking about it throughout the year. Our work colleagues, family members, friends and customers can all potentially suffer from some type of mental health illness, so it is in our best interest to make sure that we are as well informed as we can be so that we can offer the support wherever it is needed.

7) Where do you seek help?

I often talk through my thoughts with my close family members as they can give useful advice or offer a different perspective. I also have weekly therapy sessions where I talk to a mental health professional about how I am coping with my mental health conditions.

8) How do you achieve a work/life balance?

I lead a very busy lifestyle, outside of fashion retail I am also a motivational speaker and a freelance fashion designer working towards my own fashion business so finding that work/life balance is a challenge for me. However to help me achieve this balance I have to stick to a routine, this way I can make sure that every week I am finding time to do the things that I enjoy. I also set alarms throughout the day to remind myself to do some self-care, take breaks and relax.

[alxspeaks]

MONKI X ALL THE FEELS AW18

This season the high street brand Monki showed us just how much they care with this adorable mini collection called ‘All The Feels’. This collection was made in association with Mental Health Europe to highlight the love-hate relationship that we all have with social media. They discuss the negative impact that social media can have on our mental health and also provide some great tips on how to reduce social media anxiety.

I LOVE THIS COLLECTION!

As some of you may already know from reading my previous posts I suffer from several anxiety disorders and I have identified social media as being one of my main triggers, so this collection really speaks volumes to me. I applaud Monki for being an honest brand that focuses on real life issues, with this collection they are raising awareness for mental health and helping us to ask ourselves the very important question... ‘How do you feel’?  

https://www.monki.com/we-are-monki/monki-thinks/all-the-feels/

The collection comes in shades of Dusty Pink, Emerald Green and Dark Mustard. Each piece comes with a rip-off velcro tab with labels embroidered with the words Introvert/Extrovert, Good Day/ Bad Day and Warrior/ Worrier. I played around with some outfits and really enjoyed styling these cosy pieces that are just perfect for this season! ENJOY

[alxspeaks]

Wearing my green corduroy ‘Worrier Hat’ from Monki Autumn/Winter All The Feels collection about social media and it’s impact on our mental health. 

Let’s face it, likes (or a lack of them) on Instagram and Facebook can sometimes get us down. I wrote this poem a couple of weeks ago to remind myself that my account, my profile, my tweets, my posts are ALL MINE. It is a space that I have created and I can post whatever I like, whenever I like. My like is the only like that truly matters and i’m slowly learning how to be ok with 100 likes and ok with just 1. 

My Top Tips to Reduce Social Media Anxiety

1. Log out once you have finished using an app or Turn off your notifications. 

2. Unfollow, Mute or Block any accounts that don’t make you feel good. 

3. Set a scrolling time limit! (30mins)

4. Take a social media fast. Just log out and take a break from it all (24hrs minimum)

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Not Here For The Likes

I extend myself to you and expect acceptance,

I offer up myself and hope for validation, 

I serve you my best on a silver plate and wait for you to consume with delight, with compliments, with love. 

I expose myself and open up to you. 

I am an exhibition. 

I am on display. 

I wait for you to like, adore, praise, enjoy, 

I wait for you to like. 

I expect too much from you. 

I extend myself and most times you do not touch, 

I serve up my best and very often you do not eat, 

I expose myself and at times you do not even see. 

But I am here for me, 

I am not here for your approval. 

I am not your entertainment. 

You are simply a passerby, a spectator, a witness not a judge, 

Present only by invitation into the precious corners of my life. 

This is my platform. 

This is my stage. 

I created this moment, 

And I am not here for your likes. 

A.Chantiluke 2018

[alxspeaks]

Assumptions

You look at me and assume many things, Before I even open my mouth you have judged me. You see me and feel that you already know me, You attempt to read my mind whilst having already made up yours and written in the reflection of your eyes are the words... Angry black woman. Is that all you see in me? I've lost before i've even had the chance to introduce myself. Against these stereotypes I stand no chance.

I make you uncomfortable. My presence causes a fuss, I try to hide, Make my hair smaller, Make my body smaller, I straighten up. I make my voice higher and lighter and my smile bigger. I can sense that you fear me so my smile is bigger. I'm harmless and your judgements are harmful, I might be hurting but i'm praying my hurt doesn't show through so that I can show you i'm harmless and i'm just like you.

It's pathetic! These attempts to be accepted are pathetic! To reverse the opinions I know you have already made about me. Will these words be forever branded on me? Angry black woman?

Have you ever tried to hide but your blackness still shines through? You wear the uniform and perform for them on queue, Trying to tapdance your way to acceptance but the blackness still shines through. Can't hide your roots. Can't hide you and prejudice will always find you.

A.Chantiluke 2017

Black History Month Poetry Series pt3

[alxspeaks]

World Mental Health Day 2018

Sharing another piece with you all in honour of World Mental Health Awareness Day 2018! I wrote this poem a couple of months ago to try and illustrate what Anxiety looks like (for me), as not many people are aware of how much it can impact day to day life. Just because mental health disorders are less visible it does not mean that they are any less debilitating than physical conditions. Regardless of whether I am in tears at home or smiling at work my mental health condition is always there even when you can’t see it.

Today we remember our blessings, we remember we are not alone. Today we remember the ones who are still here and the ones gone. R.I.P Sharna.

Anxiety Looks Like This

Rise and shine, She wakes up, applies some perfect make up and sets out to rule her day. Confidence is her crown and optimism is her highway.

Today she can barely lift her head and the bed sheets feel too heavy to bear. Nightmares. Last night was tough, she has no idea how she'll make it through the day. Her edges are laid and her smile is gleaming,

A bright beam of happiness to all she meets,

Her advice is priceless and her appearance flawless. She's trying hard not to think about that awkward social situation that still keeps her up at night. The tidal wave of tears threaten to overflow. She fights them back. Some days she wins, but today she won't. Twirling around, she is lost in her own colourful world of sights and sounds as she blasts her favourite feel good tunes. She puts on her best outfit with those killer heels and sets off to enjoy the celebrations.  Her mind never turns off. Always critiquing always overthinking. Today she's scared to go out alone, her heart beats as though it wants to explode. It feels as though everyone is looking at her. She has the constant feeling of suffocation like someone heavy is standing on her chest. She's been awarded again!

She's at an important business meeting networking, socialising and making future business plans.

She discusses her ideas fluently and is requested to speak at several different events. Education, fashion, poetry, she'll agree to do them all. She is fragile and that bully is working overtime. The one in her head.  She's surrounded by insults and beaten with words from sunrise to sunset. You're so stupid, you're a failure, why don't you just die? She scares herself sick every single day. She is a fountain of creativity and art flows from her hands,

She is vibrant and full of life.

She's made a plan and today she'll smash it!

Productivity level turned all the way up.

A great end to a perfect day. Today she feels like she's lost all of her battles before she has even begun. Finding it hard to think, to function, the flood of fear overwhelms. Today she won't do her hair. She won't as much as pick up a pencil. Today life is too much. Today she'll have climbed everest if she manages to make it to the end of the day. Today she'll upload a beautiful picture in 5 seconds she'll regret it. In 10 minutes she'll have a great conversation and in half an hour she'll start to doubt it. Tonight she'll write a fantastic post and in 1 minute she'll delete it. Anxiety looks like this.

[alxspeaks]

Black History Month Black Hair Poetry series! Week 2

Alexandria Chantiluke

[alxspeaks]

No Make Up

I wake up.

I rise.

Bathe in oils of coconut and shea butter soaps,

Feel the sun warm my skin,

Breathe the first breath of fresh morning air.

I massage my skin with mango butter and perfumes,

I look into the mirror and smile at the full face of beauty that's mine.

No make up.

I woke up like this.

Melanin glistening in the first morning rays,

This is me.

I brush out my thick brows apply oil to my lips,

Fluff out my twist out to create my coily black mane,

No make up.

Today this is me.

Natural me naturally and today this is enough.

Alexandria Chantiluke 2018

[alxspeaks]

BLACK HAIR 

Just because mine stands when yours would rather lay down,

Mine is drawn towards the sky like buds of a flower reaching for the sun from which it finds strength.

Mine transforms and rebelliously styles itself whist yours would rather hang down past your ears obediently.

Mine can be woven into intricate patterns spanning the full circumference of my head,

Or it can be fluffed out and puffed into a beautiful crown of shimmering black clouds around my head.

It holds shape, it has body, it has a life of its own.

It moves, it breathes, it grows.

Yes it grows!

You can lock it into tight wavy vines or twist it into spirals.

You can shave patterns into it or braid it like large loaves of fresh bread.

It’s versatile, it’s unique, and it’s all ours.

We relaxed our hair to relax you and forgot we had the treasure.

You make judgements and fear that my afro means I am rebellious.

Calm down.

It is just my hair as it grows out of my head.

You say i’m unprofessional and not smartly dressed for wearing my hair just as it grows out of my head.

I spent years hiding it, taming it, burning it, breaking it, tearing it and hating it.

I thought by hiding it I could somehow go by unnoticed, somehow fit in and disguise my blackness,

As though my hair was the only thing that gave my identity away but i’m done making excuses for wearing my hair simply as it grows out of my head.

Who told us our edges needed to be slick and straight?

Now we’re all walking around bald and boldly declaring that our nature aint good enough.

But i’ve had enough!

I wake up with no makeup, no chemicals, no heat.

I pour out my oils, fluff up my big curly crazy crown, shake my hair, pray and slay.

After all it's my hair and it comes with the full package.

Whether you like it or not I will wear it exactly how it was made to be worn.

Alexandria Chantiluke 7/18.

[alxspeaks]

My First Wash n Go!

I ran my fingers through my hair.

This first encounter, like touching the forbidden fruit,

I ran my fingers through my natural tight curly hair,

Soaking wet silky coils of jet black,

I’ve never seen my hair like this.

Taught to be fearful of my hair like this,

Shrunken to no more than 5 centimetres long,

Thick black natural hair successfully intimidates most.

I explore each strand, watching intently,

Observing and studying the curls.

I have curls!

For the first time in my life I have looked at my curls,

Actually looked at them.

The natural ones that grow out of my head,

The way they feel as they glide like noodles through my fingers,

The way they intertwine,

They way they move and interact.

I pull a strand just to watch it bounce back.

Then I pull it again.

I washed my hair and then watched my hair and then left it alone.

I ran my fingers through my hair and discovered a beauty that I had never known.

Alexandria Chantiluke 9/18

[alxspeaks]

Nappy Black History Month! 18

I have been natural since birth, thanks to my mom who never once gave in all those times I begged to have my natural hair permed. However in 24 years of life it is only now that I am truly beginning to understand my hair and how to manage it.

I grew up hating my natural hair and how it looked, I never wanted to see it or even be around it for too long. As soon as it was washed it was quickly blown out with the hairdryer for fear of it drying out and becoming tough and knotted. As a child I would sit there (often on the floor between my mother’s knees) for hours getting my hair ripped out in the combing stage and then dragged out and burnt at the drying stage and finally flat-ironed so that it was bone straight and silky smooth. I would maintain this look by straightening my hair everyday and avoiding any moisture or water like the plague! This was my routine for many years with wash day being the most dreaded day of the month because it meant hours of being in pain fighting my thick untamed hair.

When I first heard black women talking about putting water on their hair to style it I thought they were mad. All that I could think of was the knots that the water would cause and all the painful detangling that would follow. I also had a really big fear of shrinkage! My tight coily hair drinks moisture from anywhere and shrivels up to nothing but a tiny afro around my head and I hated it. As black females we are taught to fear our natural hair, being told that it’s too difficult, too tough and it looks ugly. This was also evident during my secondary school years where long hair was everything and short afro hair was often referred to as bad hair, nappy hair, tough ‘ed or pickey ‘ed. So of course I never wanted to leave the house with my natural curly hair on display. I was even embarrassed to leave the house with my hair just blown out because it was so big and I would put on a huge headband to cover up as much as possible whilst I ducked down in the car on my way to the hairdressers.

Like most black females I had a big issue with my natural hair and I grew up being subconsciously trained to be ashamed of it. When I was around 8 years old my mom started taking my sisters and I to the hairdressers because she could no longer handle doing all three of our hairs by herself. I would go to the hairdressers and watch them sweat as they struggled to comb out the knots. I remember one hairdresser that had to ask for help from one of the other stylists on the best way to tackle my hair. Another hairdresser would beg my mom to let them put a relaxer on my hair to make it ‘easier to manage’. My hair has broken many combs, brushes, bobbles, hair dryers and people in it’s time. When attempting to do my hair myself I would struggle to comb it and cry as my arms ached from holding up the blow dryer and attempting to tear through these huge knots of curls. It was a process that would take up a whole day and I was often left feeling tired, sad and fed up of my hair. In addition to this natural hair like mine has was not popular and it was never seen on any celebrities or on TV adverts. All of the black girls in the hair magazines and on the front of the hair product packaging had bone straight long hair and I wanted to look just like them.

The truth is we have never really known how to look after our natural hair as we have spent so long chasing after straight european standards of beauty. Our main goal and focus has always been on getting as close to that look as possible and as a result our own hair has suffered. As I begin to learn more about the way my hair works I am slowly seeing that the difficulty was not with my hair but with my lack of knowledge.

Today I left the house and went to work with my first ever ‘wash n go’. I washed and deep conditioned my hair and without any heat or styling I set out for work with a short curly look. I was really conscious of how I looked to other people but I also felt proud to be rockin’ my own curls, something that I would have never even dreamed of doing 3 or 4 years ago. I had to question myself and ask why I preferred my hair when it was long, blown out, curled, or straightened and it was because that's what I had been told to believe was most beautiful. I still find myself struggling to appreciate the beauty of my natural hair but I am still on this journey trying to unlearn all of the self-hate that I have been taught. I have grown to understand that there is nothing wrong with how my hair looks in its natural state and it does not need manipulating to look beautiful. I am enjoying this new chapter of discovery where I can finally start to form a healthy relationship with my natural hair.

[alxspeaks]

As some of you may have noticed, I have been pretty quiet on social media recently. In fact, I went roughly 2 months without as much as opening up a social media app. In total, it was 3 months until I officially made a post from any of my social media accounts. Now this may not seem like such a big deal, but like most of the world’s population I was addicted to social media.

In 2019, it is estimated that there will be around 2.77 billion social media users around the globe and that figure continues to increase (The Statistics Portal).Social media is everything right now: people turn to Twitter before they turn on the news, every business has a social media platform, and it is now the easiest way to contact anyone from your Mom to Cardi B. Everyone is involved in some aspect of social media and it is so easy to get caught up without even realising it. I would often find myself constantly hopping between Facebook, Instagram ,Snapchat and Twitter, scrolling, uploading and posting. It was the first thing I did when I woke up and the last thing before I went to bed. I would stay up late with nothing but the glare from my phone screen glowing on my face as I would constantly follow updates and news feeds. It had gotten to the point where I began to feel uncomfortable without my phone in my hand and whenever I felt a bit socially awkward it was the first thing I would look for. I began to depend on it and this twisted relationship started to trigger a lot of problems for me.

It all began in March 2018 just after my 24th birthday when I started to really notice a big change in my overall mood: 50% of the time I was unhappy and the other 50% I spent worrying and feeling anxious. Throughout my time at University I had been noticing increased anxiety and changes in my mood but after graduation it just seemed to be getting progressively worse. It came to a point where my overall outlook on life was consistently negative and I was miserable, unable to eat, sleep or think clearly. I had this feeling that I was just a total failure at everything and I was finding it extremely difficult to cope with life. I was really scared of the thoughts going through my head and I felt as though I had no control over my emotions. Although I had felt overwhelmed and stressed before, I knew that this was different but I had no idea what was happening to me. I sought advice from a friend who I knew was open about her mental health journey and after speaking to her I took a huge leap and decided to refer myself to my local mental health team.

This was just the worst thing for me as I hate drawing any attention to myself, yet, here I was,  preparing to talk to total strangers about my life. I started doing my own research into the way that I was feeling and I began to discover that I had symptoms similar to that of Anxiety.These were symptoms that I had been suffering with with for over 5 years and I had just put it down to stress or to me simply overreacting and being silly. I was later diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD) Social Phobia and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. MAD! One day i’m just me trying to live my best life, and the next I suddenly have three Anxiety Disorders that I now have to manage and understand. The change was huge and I felt as though I had to learn who I was all over again as all of this time I had been living with a mental health condition that I knew nothing about. It’s crazy to think that if I hadn't taken my health into my own hands I would have never had any answers for the way that I had been feeling all of these years.

There were various different factors that had led up to this point in my life, University being the main one as that was when I had my first signs of anxiety: my self-confidence had really plummeted and I found myself feeling completely lost. After graduation, everything just seemed to be going wrong like my entire future was slipping away from me and I was helpless to stop it (Post-Graduate Depression see article links below). I was under way too much pressure from myself, my family (being the sole carer for two parents with long term illnesses), and from life in general with no help and no one who could truly understand. I was really unsettled and didn’t have anywhere to truly call my home. Job rejections had just become so commonplace that I didn’t even realise how much it was affecting my self confidence. Family and friends that I thought I could count on had all left and in the space of about 3 weeks my friendship circle had more than halved, at a time when I needed the most support I felt truly alone. During this time, I was still active on social media scrolling away, but the more I scrolled the worse it made me feel about my own life and each time I put down my phone after being on social media I felt upset. At times, I was even drawn to tears. Not only was it lowering my self-esteem and fueling the ideas in my head that ‘I am a failure’, it was also a huge trigger for my Anxiety. Once I realised this, I knew I had to take action, but I honestly didn’t know how. Then, one day, I went to spend some time with one of my closest friends and she said four life changing words to me. ‘You have a choice’. As obvious as this may seem I had genuinely forgotten that I actually have the option to choose whether or not to participate in social media. She explained that she had been through a similar experience and that she had to set herself some very strict rules. One of them was that she only logged in when she was making a social media post and logged out straight after; she never scrolled! That was all the advice I needed and I immediately logged out of all my social media accounts and guess what? The world didn’t end and I finally felt as though I had control over one aspect of my life. I now controlled social media; it did not control me. The moment I logged out, I didn’t feel the urge to log back in for months. However, I still found myself reaching for my phone out of habit. So, to shift my focus, I downloaded apps that are constructive uses of my time such as wordscapes, Duolingo (started learning new languages) and Headspace (mindfulness meditation).

Throughout all of this I was still struggling whilst awaiting my first counselling appointment on a 3 month waiting list, but I put on a brave face, carrying on with business as usual. Then, one day, I snapped. I had a huge panic attack and during this whole episode I accidently smashed my phone. I had completely given up on life and I felt as though no one understood what I was going through.

So, there I was, completely broken and no phone, no contacts, no apps, nothing! Ordinarily I would have been even more of a mess after breaking my phone, but I later found that this gave me the push I needed to understand that I don’t need to be contacting people all the time and people don’t always need to be updated on my every move. In fact, it’s when I am most quiet on social media that I am working my hardest, and at this particular time it was vital that I put all of my efforts into working on me and my well being.

In addition to this, (I have a confession to make, here it goes…) I haven't picked up a pencil in over a year! Unfortunately I have not been able to design as much as a vest since last year summer. When my mental health deteriorated, so did my creative flow. However, I did not see it at the time so I just put more pressure on myself to create a new collection until it made me sick and my body started to shut down. I went without sleep, food, water, social life, pretty much everything a human needs to function. I was forcing myself to produce work in ridiculous time frames, frantically trying to prove to myself and the world that I am good enough. The fact that I couldn’t think clearly just caused me more frustration but mostly I didn't want to let everyone down: all of you who believe in me and my creative talent. I already felt like a failure in my own eyes and I didn’t want anyone else to think the same. My desire was to be constantly seen on social media doing amazing things in fashion but that just wasn’t my reality.

The truth is, I had built up so much pressure around myself and my fashion career that it became a huge anxiety trigger for me. As a result, I haven't been able to return to my beautiful design studio in nearly a year. Me, Alex, who lives and breathes fashion. I wrestled with the idea for a long time but I was forced to take an extended break from fashion design and my other projects until I saw some improvement in my mental health. I once said that if I was to suddenly die I wouldn’t be upset because I was no longer alive, I would be upset because I didn’t get the chance to live a life that I enjoyed living. I had to take a break and readjust my whole life, it was seriously a matter of life and death; I had to put my fashion career on hold.

I’ve heard of so many artists, musicians and writers taking creative breaks and now I completely understand why. My creativity is such a huge part of me but it only works when i’m in good health. Anything that I create outside of that is just not a clear representation of me as an artist. I was so focused on trying to live my best life through the eyes of others that I forgot to look after myself. Right now, living my best life currently looks like attending my therapy sessions, remembering to breathe, drinking plenty of water and practicing mindfulness. I plan to take as much time as I need to focus on me and my health so that I can come back stronger and produce something that’s true to who I am as a designer when I am at my best. So next time you see me, don’t ask how my collection is going, ask me how I am doing!

We often look at people who do great things and admire them from afar. In our eyes they might seem like the best and the brightest and it’s easy to assume that all is well with them. But, my experience has shown me that this is one of the most dangerous assumptions a person could make. I was still going through all of this trauma when I was raising the money for my collection, when my shirt design was sold in Hawes and Curtis and when I became one of Birmingham’s 30under30 finalists. I realised that I had been wearing a happy mask and suffering in silence for years until it eventually fell down and I was left to deal with everything that I have been hiding from. It came to the point where I was just waiting for someone, anyone, to ask me if I was ok. Then, finally, I took my health into my own hands and bravely asked for help.

I am currently undergoing therapy sessions with the best therapist ever and we are working through small steps to help me get better. I finally have somewhere safe that I can call my home and i’ve started spending more time doing things that I enjoy like being outdoors and writing poetry. I also started doing yoga and practicing mindfulness meditation so I can learn how to switch off when my head is just doing the most (the Headspace app has literally saved my life, check it out). My relationship with social media is now so much better and I have set rules for myself #noscrolling and I logout after every session. I have seen huge improvements in my mental health, self-esteem and body confidence since doing this and I just feel generally more positive about life. I still have a very long way to go and I am nowhere near better yet but each day I learn something new and I make progress.

I logged out of social media and it was one the best decisions I have ever made for myself. On my 24th birthday I told myself that this was going to be the year of me and so far it has been. Although it has been my most difficult year to date I have been forced to focus on me and put my health first because, at the end of the day, that is what is most important.

For more information about Anxiety Disorders and mental health advice check out these links below.

For Useful Contacts

https://birminghammind.org/contact-page/emergency-contacts/

For Information

YouTube- The 5 Major Anxiety Disorders

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IzaNQAh3NiY&t=7s

Mind

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/anxiety-and-panic-attacks/anxiety-disorders/#.W6GCdy2ZNsM

Beyond Blue

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/anxiety/types-of-anxiety

Post-Graduate Depression

https://metro.co.uk/2017/07/17/why-is-no-one-talking-about-post-graduate-depression-6760769/

https://www.topuniversities.com/blog/we-need-talk-about-post-graduation-depression

References

The Statistics Portal https://www.statista.com/statistics/278414/number-of-worldwide-social-network-users/

[alxspeaks]

Hello World,

It’s your girl Alex, some of you may know me as Alexandria, Alxzandria, Chanti, Alxzandria Menswear or AlxTheDesigner!

Most of you will also know that I love/live fashion design, I eat, sleep and breathe it and it has been my only career goal since I was 7 years old. Every choice I have made has been to lead me closer to achieving my ultimate goal in fashion by creating a world-renowned luxury brand!

This journey has been much harder than I ever thought possible and it has pushed me to my limits but I am very much still determined and focused. The thing that helps me to stay on track the most is the support from people like you! Friends and family, models, photographers, all of you who share my posts, recommend me to people, put my name forward for opportunities, support my fundraisers and buy my products. So I shout a huge THANK YOU to all of you because without you guys as my support network telling me that you believe in me and that I can do it, I have no idea how I would be able to keep up this pace.

I know that you all love what I do and you really want to support me and my business, so to help you to do that I feel that it would be useful to give you some pointers about what exactly it is that I do and what I am able to help you with. So here is some information to answer some of your frequently asked questions...

[alxspeaks]

Mental Health Awareness Week 2018!

In honour of Mental Health Awareness Week I am sharing a poem for the first time that I have written about my own experience with mental health illnesses. I have always used poetry as a way to express myself in a world where at times I feel completely misunderstood. This poem was the result of a time of self reflection for me two weeks after my 24th birthday and the anniversary of my friends death, I entitled it ‘Help’.

Help cried the sinner,

Help cried the saint,

We’re all running the same race needing grace and seeking faith.

I cannot begin to understand the complexities of life but I have lived the pain and endured the strife of this messy complex life and never once considered how I was feeling, never once thought it funny or strange that misery was consistency and fear always followed after.

I began to change my outlook on life convinced happiness was only for fairy tales and children,

Innocence stripped away and life baring it’s ugly face.

Help.

I sank with my enemies,

Sank with my shattered dreams,

Sank with my friend’s suicide and

Sank with my family.

That sinking feeling. 

That suffocating sunken place.

Wearing a smile that is perpetual but crying help and losing faith,

Losing love and loosing joy, losing life, slowly dying and crying.

Forced to keep secrets and shelter the truth,

Cuz “we aint lettin everyone up in our family business”

Help.

I fell off without even noticing the fall, sometimes had no words to pray at all.

So much to do and yet still I strive always trying to survive stay positive stay alive.

Make them believe that you’re alright and soon you’ll convince yourself that you're alright, all the while running from the problem and lacking any solution.

So much exterior focus painting foundation over the interior situation,

Contouring your instagram feeding snapchat lies that spiral into a story whilst starving your insides of true happiness and peace of mind, stumbling blind, claiming to be living our “best lives”.

Help.

Help cried the sinner,

Help cried the saint,

We’re all running the same race needing grace seeking faith.

24/3/18 Alexandria Chantiluke 

[alxspeaks]

I was asked to speak the year 11 students at my old school again this year. It's so strange doing assemblies in a hall that I used to sit in! I try to give them the information that I wish I had at their age and hopefully inspire someone. . . . #GreatBarrSchool #motivation #University #6thform #decisions #lifechoices #risktaking #beingsuccessful #inspireageneration (at Great Barr School)

[alxspeaks]

My graduate collection has been featured in Gal-dem magazine! Check out the full feature online at www.gal-dem.com

[alxspeaks]

Animated print design details... Newspaper headlines, song lyrics, poetry

[alxspeaks]

Fashion animation video clip for my design concept by Malikah Holder