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I sit with my grief. I mother it. I hold its small, hot hand. I don’t say, shhh. I don’t say, it's okay. I wait until it is done having feelings. Then we stand and we go wash the dishes.

-- Callista Buchen, from Taking Care

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Just a dad and his child.

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Sometimes, I miss Tennessee

It was a bad time, but it was also a good time.  I miss waking up at 5am and sleepily gathering my hiking gear for the Tri-State overlook, being surrounded by the states of Tennessee, Kentucky, and Virginia, and feeling peace as I watch the sunrise in the silent company of a stranger.  I miss my afternoon trail runs, escaping the monotony of sitting on my ass studying by running where pioneers and Cherokee once traveled. 

I miss gasping for breath through the heat and humidity of Summer. I miss seeing the mountains become fire in the Fall. I miss wondering why the rain is descending in an odd way, and then understanding that this is my first proper Winter, this is my first snow. I miss putting on my coat, shivering like crazy, making my way to my car, seeing the ice on my windshield, and scraping the ice off my car with a credit card for the 800th time because I still don’t own an ice scraper. (I don’t miss the mountain thunderstorms. That shit was frightening).

I miss my treks to Nashville, living out my romanticized dream of relaxing at blues clubs, rolling my eyes at whatever the hell was happening on Broadway between first and fifth, widening my eyes in awe at the atmosphere of Third Man Records, and getting ready for the annual (and free!) Live On The Green festival. 

I miss the solace of Knoxville, seeing my best friend at UTK, going to random events in Market Square (like that time everyone was dressed as historic figures and selling antique nicknacks), finding comfort in seeing the strange landmark Sunsphere, and hanging out with new, kind, fun souls who made me realize a bit more via crazy adventures the “worth living for”.

I miss that time I found a state park on a whim after going to a new city on a whim because I was craving good crepes (the crepes were, in fact, good). I miss discovering a stunning lake in the middle of nowhere, and thinking to myself how amazing it is that people don’t know about this Hawaii - looking gem hidden behind a forest in BFE Tennessee, and how odd this is that me, someone just stopping through, now knows of a local secret getaway.

I surprisingly miss the feeling of simultaneous vulnerability and strength, and the process of realizing that life is objectively kinda shit right now, but there’s a world out there with much to offer, and this too shall pass. I miss forcing myself through these experiences to see what’s beautiful, to see what I can be thankful for and what I can look forward to. I don’t miss the bad times, but I miss how I persevered through them.  Thank you, Tennessee. 

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Finding comfort in the field

E.O. Wilson referred to the young, excited, naive version of himself as an “embryonic academic”.

I’m thoroughly amused reading that line in Letter’s to a Young Scientist since it brings back such vivid memories of a younger, excited, naive version of myself working in my first research laboratory as a freshman in college. Even more amusing to me is that four laboratories later and I still feel like an embryonic scientist but at an only slightly later moment of the same stage of development.

I think a younger me imagined I would be at an advanced area of intelligence by now and far past embryonic. In some ways, if I give myself a little more credit, I am definitely “better” than I was a few years ago. I used to sit in lab meetings and guest lectures with a blank face, feeling like the words spoken around me were an alien language, and felt complete awe that graduate students and PhDs could have confident, rapid fire back-and-forth about dense topics. I would wonder how the hell they knew what to ask, and how the hell did they come up with that many got dang questions while my brain was in the corner being fried.

That feeling of utter confusion is still very real, but with slightly less of a brain fry. I’m a few weeks into my new lab with a year and a half of graduate courses under my belt and I can actually sort of keep up now. As in, I understand the logic behind the questions being asked. I am still trying to figure out jargon and techniques, but I’m getting there, and it’s admittedly a sigh of relief to finally be able to understand what once sounded like alien language. To further my comparison, lab meetings and lectures now sound like a Romance language, at least.

Another concern that has followed me since my first lab is that I thought I was becoming a jack of all trades & master of none with my wide variety of laboratory experiences and familiarity with what I considered only very lab-specific techniques. I felt that I lacked exposure to common techniques (antibody staining, for example) and wouldn’t be able to market myself very well.

It’s a valid concern. Hunting for a new laboratory that would both value my CV but also offer me something new and more easily transferable was an incredibly difficult task. I am extremely lucky right now to be in a laboratory where I find the research compelling with some familiar techniques and many new ones for improving my CV.

However, I would also like to note my supervisor’s input- that techniques will change or be replaced over time, so they don’t carry as much weight in importance when growing as a scientist.

When he pointed this out to me, my thoughts and concerns made a shift.

I still find so much value in learning the techniques I’m learning, and with good reason, but I am now opening my eyes to the plethora of other learning experiences around me. Simply just listening to how people speak about their projects and how they attempt to combat the issues they face are invaluable lessons and will absolutely contribute to my professional growth. It is being more exposed to the method of thinking of a researcher that will benefit me most.

I’m a big ol sponge right now, just trying to soak in all the information around me. And I can’t help but be frankly happy about the lab I’m in. Like I said, I’ve been through a few labs, with lab dynamics ranging from toxic and draining to overly hands-off and dull. Now I’m in a lab that fosters curiosity and growth and dammit, I am so thankful.

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Looper | Rian Johnson | 2012

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Identifying my Self

I think I have for a very long time associated my identity with my career goals. 

Here’s a timeline excerpt of my life:

-Went to a top private high school. Everyone was smart, I felt average. I didn’t want to feel like that anymore. 

-Throughout my higher education experiences, I made it my mission to shine in academics and extracurriculars. I was the neuroscience girl and the multi-talented girl & well-rounded girl. I was president of academic clubs and participated in social clubs and causes. First and foremost, my resume was my worth. 

This is probably a very odd and morbid thing to say quite bluntly, but the way I viewed my life changed one day when I was working in a cadaver lab. I don’t know what it was about that particular day (as I had much experience working with cadavers), but on that day I nearly had a breakdown. I called my cousin and vented,

“I’m spending so much of my life sitting on my ass studying and I haven’t seen so much of the world. I don’t even remember the last time I hung out with friends and laughed”.

Ever since that moment, I really had to re-evaluate why I do what I do. What makes me happy? Am I doing all of this just to “prove” something? Do I genuinely enjoy what I do? Even the over-asked question that is dank meme’d into oblivion, “What is the meaning of life?”, popped into my head and left an impression. I heard or read somewhere that in some countries, you don’t even ask “What do you do?” when you meet someone. In the US, it’s pretty much a given to have to brace yourself for introducing your name with your job or university major. 

I met with one of my mentors a few months ago and she encouraged me to take a break from school. She saw how burnt out I was and gave me the example of her sister who worked at a coffee shop in order to figure out her life goals. Her sister finally decided to pursue graduate school, and will be starting soon. She also added, “You’re alive, and isn’t that a beautiful thing?”.

No one was really pushing me to work so hard other than myself. I still applaud my younger self for being ambitious and determined, but I also wish she understood that there is some room to pause and take a breath of fresh air.

I don’t blame my younger self, however. I think the way US society functions warrants hard work, and it is so difficult to find balance and meaning in the hustle for career success and basic survival.

My current career dilemma is if I want to pursue a PhD or go straight into working in industry. I used to make these type of decisions based solely on my ambitious tendencies, but there is finally a part of me now that wants to take into consideration which path will bring me the most happiness. How much do I favor creative independence and teaching at a university-level? How much do I understand the cons of an academic PhD path with its “publish or perish” atmosphere? Is pursuing an industry PhD route more preferable? Could I consider living a more repetitive and traditionally 9-5 career in industry? Are there some aspects of working in industry that I don’t know right now that could help me figure out if that path is worth pursuing? Will a career in industry offer me more room for happiness? Where do I find happiness the most, anyway? In the type of career I have? Or in other things that life offers? 

(Of note, there are some things I would like to expand on one day but not now for the sake of me not developing carpal tunnel in one typing session, such as the fact that my privileged state of socioeconomic being grants this niche of problems. I am very lucky to have the means for choice)

I am starting a research job this month and taking this time to really think about what I want to do afterwards. I have lost so much of my time of genuine fun with other humans to making the sacrifice of studying, and I am now ready to take a breather by working and having weekends. Thankfully, my work supervisors are so supportive of me and I am really blessed to be in such a positive environment after being a student laboring myself to the bone for so long.

For me, 2020 is about entering a new chapter and realizing the “worth living for” outside of my academics and career. One big way I am doing this is by reading more books and rediscovering my old passions in exercise, art, music, and film. Here is a video that is helping me kickstart this journey: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lIW5jBrrsS0

A quote from the video, at around 32:57, really got me thinking: 

I’ve been living by looking at the Mona Lisa on a skateboard. I aim to slow down and spend this new phase in my life getting the ambiance, the flavor of life.

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“. . . completely genre-less wave of young do-it-yourself musicians. They are part of this fascinating breed of artists on the rise that seem almost too good to be true. For years they’ve been writing, producing, rapping, singing, mixing, mastering ... they can do everything in the studio. They write unique emotionally-driven songs that are authentic to the core. Their influences are varied and they are able to mash-up four or five subgenres per song without it feeling like a circus act”

A few weeks ago, I wrote a blog post about the genre-less era. It’s so good to hear that I’m not the only one noticing this new wave in music.

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In 2018 the Animation Gods gave us Spider-Verse, so in 2019 we had to pay

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WALL·E (2008) — visual consultant: Roger Deakins Blade Runner 2049 (2017) — director of photography: Roger Deakins

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So, we need to get out of here immediately because this bar is full of demons[…]. Chidi and I are going to go out the side door. You and Tahani go out the back.

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The Big Lebowski (1998) dir. The Coen Brothers

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Anima (Short) | Paul Thomas Anderson | 2019

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Dancing in Film: The kaleidoscopic top shot (made popular by Busby Berkeley)

42nd Street (1933) dir. Lloyd Bacon Singin’ in the Rain (1952) dir. Gene Kelly, Stanley Donen Beauty and the Beast (1991) dir. Gary Trousdale, Kirk Wise The Lion King (1994) dir. Rob Minkoff, Roger Allers The Big Lebowski (1998) dir. Joel Coen, Ethan Coen Reefer Madness (2005) dir. Andy Flickman Mamma Mia! (2008) dir. Phyllida Lloyd Hail, Caesar! (2015) dir. Joel Coen, Ethan Coen Paddington 2 (2017) dir. Paul King Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again (2018) dir. Ol Parker

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The evolution of my music taste

with thoughts on the genre-less (or genre-bending) era and the current musical landscape.

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“Want to help me with my ‘New-Indie/Alternative’ playlist?”

My question was met with a response I was admittedly expecting:  “Sure! But I don’t even know what that is anymore”.

And thus is the plight of the circa 2019, 20-somethin’, indie lovin’, Spotify playlist makin’ person.

Sometimes, I have no idea what genre of music I’m listening to. I just know that it’s good. (And that it’s not modern country) .............

If we want to simplify things, here are some examples of the evolution of my music taste with similar sounds from different time periods:

Belle and Sebastian --> Angus and Julia Stone --> Wild Child

Bear Hands --> Glass Animals --> Still Woozy

Miles Kane/Arctic Monkeys/The Wombats/Spoon --> Declan McKenna

Ray LaMontagne --> Hozier

Digable Planets --> Kooley High --> Smino

Alt-J --> Rainbow Kitten Surprise

Young Guns --> cleopatrick/Nothing But Thieves

Sonic Youth --> Best Coast --> Courtney Barnett/Wolf Alice

The Raconteurs --> The White Stripes --> The Dead Weather --> Jack White --> The Raconteurs 

( this is part joke about Jack’s undying relevance and part accurate to my listening progression )

Obviously, each new artist is not a “replacement” of the one from a previous era. But rather, it was my natural progression into something different yet familiar, while still loving what other artists have offered/continue to offer.  As I mainly listened to indie rock/alternative rock in the early to mid 2000s, I was also listening to Kanye and Kid Cudi and noticed their experimenting with modern indie.  I started diving more into hip-hop. I fell in love with Blu & Exile, went through an A Tribe Called Quest phase, then explored Tom Misch’s elegant fusion of nu jazz, hip-hop, and electronic.  Tom Misch was a turning point. From there, I became acquainted with Masego. Went down the rabbit hole, my friend joined Brockhampton lol, and then next thing you know I’m fuxing with Odie, Kota the Friend, and Abhi the Nomad while rediscovering the loml J. Cole.  Then I started noticing something interesting. Music was becoming more genre-less. Allan Rayman, for example, was featuring grunge and hip-hop. Yeek blends traditional indie with R&B and hip-hop. Some more examples of genre-bending/genre-less artists are Rex Orange County, Dominic Fike, and Kevin Abstract.

There is also the term “Anti-Pop” to characterize essentially what I am speculating on. It often describes not only the genre-bending direction where music is heading, but also the vibe of simplicity, rawness, and lo-fi production. Of course, some genres are still alive and well. Rock n’ Roll is still very much Rock n’ Roll with Greta Van Fleet doing a great job at that. The Head and the Heart keeps indie-folk rock relevant with their new album “Living Mirage”. Electronic, like hip-hop, is splitting rapidly into various sub-genres. However, it still maintains a universal, distinct PLUR culture. And that early 2000s indie/alternative rock I’ve been searching for? The sound is still around and finding ground. Michigander and Trash Panda are artists I’m so excited to watch blossom. Catfish and the Bottlemen and Arctic Monkeys are as alternative indie rock as alternative indie rock gets, have remained relevant, and are ironically refreshing for current music. Rainbow Kitten Surprise brings a novel direction to the genre with an exploration into hip-hop and folk rock elements. Tame Impala has fun with pushing psychedelic rock into the modern era. Twenty-One Pilots, although also a genre-bender, is reminiscent of a Blink 182 feel. Now with this ramble, I think what I’m getting at is 2018/2019 is a bit of a fascinating musical landscape that I’ve been yearning to pinpoint. There is a definite prioritization in a “vibe” over a genre in underground music, which allows for much experimentation especially in the lo-fi scene. Whether a genre stays purely in its genre in the year of 2019, or if it completely bends and blends with others to make something beautiful, it is an indication of artists and listeners showing an appreciation for classic sounds and also being even more willing to experiment with those sounds.

In 2019, I see an era of bolder musical innovation.

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Wow this is exactly what I’ve been feeling today

there are only two modes