anonomoblog-blog

[anonomoblog-blog]

Loneliness

I should have known better than thinking I would be consistently blogging and/or journaling. It usually takes something big to push me into that headspace. I have felt lonely for a very, very long time. I also have been more keenly aware of the fact that I’ve been single for an incredibly long time (my entire life, to be exact). I am constantly the third wheel, and lately that’s been even more common. It seems like 75% of the time when I’m hanging with friends, it’s as the third wheel. About a month ago, my closest friend where I’m living now (I have closer friends that live multiple hours away, since I’ve moved around some) got married. I went to his wedding and had this moment where I realized that that friendship was not going to be the same (and it hasn’t so far). The final straw was yesterday though. My brother is older than me and has also been single for a very long time... but I just learned that he’s not anymore. I just feel hopeless. I have been on 4 dates in my entire life. Three of them ranged from negative to mediocre and one went well. Unfortunately for all of them, either I wasn’t interested in pursuing it further or the girl wasn’t. It’s just got me feeling like I’m on the path to being a 40 year old bachelor (and virgin). I could go on... but for now. I think that’s all I want to say to avoid wallowing in my own despair too much. 

I have started using Snapchat and Reddit. My Snap is anonomosnap and my Reddit is anonomoreddit. Hope to use these outlets to start making genuine connections with people, so if this or my original post resonate at all with you, let’s talk. 

[anonomoblog-blog]

Deeply, painfully true.

“Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it’s not because they enjoy solitude. It’s because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.”

— Jodi Picoult, My Sister’s Keeper (via wordsnquotes)

[anonomoblog-blog]

Overdue

Wow, where do I even start? I have been feeling alone for quite some time now. I keep telling myself that I need to start journaling or blogging just to have somewhere to put my thoughts, because I feel like they’re overflowing my mind to a point I don’t even know what to do with them. So here I am. Writing a blog that will likely be read by one or two people over the course of the next few years, maybe. Obviously, I don’t want to tell people who I am. Everything will be pseudonyms and I just want to be upfront about that. Who knows, maybe someday if this actually gets popular I may make some grand reveal... but let’s be honest, that is unlikely. 

Anyways, I’m going to call myself Jack Benson. Also, if I’m being honest, people who know me super well will easily be able to figure out who I am. I guess that’s a risk I’ll have to take. Gosh, it’s almost like this is a silent outreach for help. Weird. I go on a lot of tangents, hopefully you’ll find them fun or at least endearing or intriguing (maybe? I hope??). Anyhoo - Jack is named after Jack from Lost, which is my favorite TV show of all time. Benson is complicated. There are a variety of reasons, but the main one is related to the voice of Ariel, The Little Mermaid. Ariel was voiced by Jodi Benson, and I suppose you could say I consider her a personal hero. So hi, I’m Jack Benson. (Weirdly enough, when I wrote that it felt really good. I like that name better than my own. Also, being someone other than me sounds cool.) 

Which brings me to my first point. I am creating this blog in hopes of finding myself. Or figuring out myself. Or learning how to love myself. Something like that... I’m unhappy and can only think of a couple very brief points in time when I felt like I was happy. I mean that in a general sense, by the way. I do feel happiness, it just doesn’t stick around as much as I would like. In other words, there are enough negatives in my life that I can’t really consider myself averaging the highs and lows out to anything positive. 

Tonight, I went to the movies and saw two movies. Quick plug... AMC A-List is great, and allows me to do things like seeing two movies in one night. haha. I watch movies constantly though. I love movies. I’m a person who is very interested in the arts, and film brings the different aspects of art together in such an amazing way. The music, the acting, the artistry and craftsmanship, the storytelling, etc. Of all the aspects, the storytelling is probably the most important. I constantly seek ways to remove myself from the real world and be immersed in another world. I like to read, to listen to music (loudly, so the music basically envelops me), play video games (primarily role playing games [RPG’s]), and of course, watch a lot of movies and TV shows. I love to imagine how my life would be in those worlds or how I would have responded differently if I were the character or how great/terrible it would be if I were one of the characters. Part of the reason I watched two movies was because I first watched A Star is Born, which I loved, but made me sad. I love to sing and it used to be my top goal in life to become a famous performer. It made me sad because I know nothing like what happened to Ally (Lady Gaga) will ever happen to me. It hit a little too close to home... so I went to see Venom as well. That one helped me feel a little bit better, because I definitely wouldn’t want to find myself in Eddie Brock’s position being merged with Venom. The movie was a fun diversion though and probably would have stayed that way had I not made a fatal error. I checked my phone. 

Now I don’t know how you work, but I can tell you that when I’m in a bad mood, checking my phone rarely helps. It quickly brought the rest of the world crashing back onto me and reminded me why I was so down today to begin with. Frankly, there are a lot of other things I would need to share about myself and my background for it to make sense, so I won’t elaborate. Stay tuned though, it’ll probably happen again soon. 

Writing is definitely therapeutic. I already feel better. Not great, but better. To help you get to know me better, here’s some stuff to know:

I am INFJ, if you’re into that stuff

I am a big nerd - huge fan of Star Wars, Harry Potter, Disney, Lord of the Rings, etc. 

I am from the Midwest, lived in Florida for a while, but now live in the Midwest again (new state though)

I am currently 28 and a cisgender male

My family is staunchly Lutheran and rigidly Conservative. I believe in God (with a bit of skepticism) and find it hard to confidently identify as a Christian, given a multitude of factors. But I still say I’m Christian. I am politically in the middle and find people too far to one side a little too intense for me. 

I am White, primarily of German descent. I am very tall. I have a beard if that matters. haha. I am able-bodied and I suppose I have to say I’m average build (although quite broad shouldered and whatnot). I feel I need to lose a solid 75 pounds. I lost a lost of weight a few years ago, but I gained it all back during grad school. 

Speaking of education... I am from a small, rural town. So I went to the very tiny public high school there. I went to a small university, where I was a double major in music and theatre. I took a few years off and then went to grad school for higher education. I now work at a fairly large university.

My romantic life is complicated, to say the least. We will dive into that hardcore at some point. 

I don’t know, I suppose I am missing other things. I want to very plainly say that I am not suicidal. I know I mentioned earlier my unhappiness, but I want to be very clear that I have not ever (and will not ever) intentionally harm myself or another person. 

I think that’s all for today. I’m curious to see if anyone reads this... If you do and find it interesting, feel free to hit me up! After all, who wouldn’t want to be friends with an anonymous psycho dude?! (Ok, I’m not psycho... that I know of.)