ardenti-luna - Tumblr blog

[ardenti-luna]

[ardenti-luna]

[ardenti-luna]

LILY EVANS I LOVE YOU 🫶

Defs not my best work, its super messy, but im proud of it nonetheless!

- this is my original art, so if you use it please credit <3

[ardenti-luna]

“i’m not a violent dog, i don’t know why i bite”

[ardenti-luna]

i started a redbubble

if you're interested in some silly designs (lots of boygenius) then check it out! i'm still in the early stages of making designs, but if you have a design you want to see let me know!

highland-cow.redbubble.com

[ardenti-luna]

ecdysis

nothing fits me anymore. we aren’t allowed to wear crop tops, so i pull my jeans up above my navel, and i tie a bandana so tight around my waist so the pants will stay. my bed is too big for me, because i thrash around in it each night, my limbs slamming against the walls and the mattress in an uncoordinated dance. my grandmother told me not to wear green, because my skin is too dark for it to suit me, and she says this as if i am not her only brown granddaughter and as if i suit anything at all. 

when i was 16 and decided to descend to the underworld, i thought i might finally fit somewhere, but i simply found myself back there on earth, feet planted unmistakably in the damp earth. 

im a woman loving girl, and yet i don’t dare speak to them because if i cannot fit against the body of a man then i am deserving of no woman. i cannot hold the hair of her so i hold my own, and i rock myself to sleep singing a lullaby in my mind. 

it haunts me still like the sound of my mother’s voice in the office, calling me a brat, explaining how the mean girls rubbed off on me. trying to pretend she didn’t love me because i don’t fit her love. i’m the wrong shape, my body is too short and too bulky and my scars are too raised. my mouth is supposed to be closed but it’s open, and my skin is supposed to be ivory but it’s the color of a tree, the inner bark of a willow. 

last night my roommate and i did edibles, but they must have been laced because i was sure i was going to piss myself. so sure that i sat atop my plant in the high haze so i would water it instead of the hardwood floor. it was crushed, but I didn’t notice until the morning, and i should have been sad but i was just disappointed in myself, as i always am, for making stupid decisions and being high when i should have been low.

i don’t pretend to know who i am, unless i am in someone’s bed with my cheek pressed against the curve of their chest, in which case i have no choice. i must pretend the scars are from a cat and the pain is from a temporary ailment and not a lifelong curse. i don’t know how to write. it all becomes a piece of yarn that can’t stop unraveling, as my sentences walk on and pull away from home, from the core of the ball. and when i call it all back, it comes running but it never returns in one piece. it’s just a frayed shell of the yarn it once was, just like me, a frayed shell. i’m mutilated and destroyed but i only want to be majestic and i want to shimmer under the lights instead of being blinded. 

[ardenti-luna]

idk if anyone else gets this but I always have the best writing ideas when I’m half asleep. Like. I’ll wake up from a dream and roll over and illegibly scribble it on some paper and pass out again, and then it’s got some good shit in it that I can use. Or I’m just trying to get to sleep and an idea hits me full in the face when im sleepy and I have to turn my light on and write it all out. Or even if I wake up in the night, and I have a tiny idea, and all of a sudden it’s five am and I’ve got a five book series and the beginning of another series planned.

[ardenti-luna]

“Cis is a slur” “don’t call me straight” ok. Faggn’t

[ardenti-luna]

clearly

you asked, ‘did i fail you?’

like you bombed the SAT

filled in the bubbles all wrong

wasted three hours

not my childhood on

the sounds of the wall inside my skull

are they much different anyway, i wonder, 

both fabricated and so raw and so real

and i was carried outside, laid on the grass, and 

she kissed my forehead

stroked my hair

captured my ocean in a 

vial

constructed the sky from construction paper

and i took a breath, my body too tight all over, it feels too tight, it feels so so so like the cramp in my calf that woke me up at 3am with her sleeping next to me on a mattress on the floor and i gripped it so hard, trying not to cry out because she needs sleep, needed sleep, needed me 

to be quiet

he died last

time we were in 3rd grade

and i didn’t know then that

i would know her now, future predictor or 

flailing placenta 

or fucking pussy for the last time i’m not a dyke

only a neurotic die-hard

rabbit lover dying 

of the hard 

crystals of my time in high school, my time high, my time when i couldn’t try, all i could do was choke on milk that came in red plastic bottles and made me throw up, i don’t know why but i do i just wanted too desperately to go back, not drink it, not scar those neurons, cement them, stop them in their tracks as i slept as they pruned like

a tree on speed

thrown over my left shoulder is yours

truly the bag of skulls

that i harvested this morning, and look at

the wall 

the studs are about to fail

[ardenti-luna]

thanks @rain-dragons for tagging me (:

are you named after anyone? nopeee

when was the last time you cried? i don't cry a lot, maybe like three or four weeks ago?

do you have kids? nahh

what’s the first thing you recognise about people? smile, maybe. or eyebrows — shape, color, etc

what’s your eye colour? green and brown

scary movies or happy ending? hmm depends on the situation, I like both

special talents? hmm I like to think i'm a good writer, and a somewhat good artist, and i'm good at rock climbing!

where were you born? earth!!

what are your hobbies? Reading, writing, drawing, rock climbing, watercoloring, weightlifting. i think thats basically all i do with my life.

do you have any pets? yesss i have a rabbit named cinnamon. she just turned 10!

what sport do you play/ have played? rock climbing mostly. sometimes i run track and do long jump

how tall are you? 5'0"/5'1" about. used to bother me but i don't mind now. i can fit into kids clothes which are often cheaper lol

favourite subject at school? ohh anything biology and sometimes english

dream job? vet, looking at vet schools rn! but i would also love to write. maybe after i retire from being a vet.

tagging: (no pressure, ofc!) @prngslvr @thebibutterflyao3 @divinationsss @aalinaaaaaa @anaromanticalligator @rsbarelle

and anyone else <3

15 questions | 15 people

Rules: answer these 15 questions, then tag 15 people

thanks for tagging me @greenybeanyyy !!

Are you named after anyone? My mom named me after a character from a movie but i do not like the movie so i will not be disclosing the title at this time  😈

When was the last time you cried? Last night. Fun fact I cried nearly every day in January and I’m shooting for Feb as well!!

Do you have kids? No

What’s the first thing you recognize about people? probably their height idk?

What’s your eye color? Blue

Scary movies or happy ending? Happy endings :) but scary movies are fun sometimes

Any special talent? I have great control of my nostrils

Where were you born? USA. tragically i was born in the midwest ( 🚩) luckily i managed to escape for the remainder of my upbringing but not luckily i am back there once again :/ been planning my escape tho!!

What are your hobbies? I have soooo many hobbies i draw i read i write i play a couple instruments i sew. one of my cooler nicher hobbies imo is doll making which is a lot of fun!!

Do you have any pets? i have a dog !! i’m at college and i miss her every day :(

What sports do you play/have you played? i was on a rowing crew last semester but i quit lmao. i did volleyball in middle school

How tall are you? 5’8-5′9 ish

Favorite subject at school? english girlie 4 life B) i also liked french in high school

Dream job? i’m still not really sure but i’m studying to become an editor atm. my ultimate ultimate dream is to publish my books someday

tagging

@treasureofmy-heart @if-you-give-a-gay-a-vampire @the-gayest-tree-you-ever-did-see @grieving4theliving @i-have-a-dark-charm   uhhhh im sorry thats way less than 15 people im sorry

[ardenti-luna]

ocd is such an exhausting disorder like

i can't even express how much it takes out of me to do anything, because everything has to be a compulsion. i spend hours each day doing my compulsions and just trying to survive, and it makes me feel so helpless.

if you know anyone with ocd, give them a hug. it sucks.

[ardenti-luna]

I want to be someone. I want to create like all the real artists have. I would like to shape something tangible and majestic, for everything I have created inside has turned me rancid. 

[ardenti-luna]

there is a succulent on my desk, that I bought from trader joes, in a dark brown pot, that has a piece missing from the back.

i knocked it off the corner of my desk when i got back from christmas break, and a piece of the pot shattered on the radiator. the plant fell out but i had neglected to water it for so long that the dirt was dry and clumped together, and only the stragglers spilled on the floor. 

i put the succulent back into the broken pot, but i couldn’t bring myself to clean up the dirt; i didn’t have the energy for anything in those days. 

i faced the broken portion to the back, but when i step behind my desk to turn the valve on the radiator, and i remember knocking my plant off my desk, the moment where i felt as though i was falling with it towards the ground, so fast and there was no way to stop it. 

the ugly part is christmas break. the plane ride from LHR to LAX where my soul is breaking apart, ready to slip through the bars of prison and make peace with my cold steel cage. 

the plane ride back is trying to escape. i spend five hours ignoring the fact that i will return in three months. 

a lifetime of prison for weeks of freedom. 

after i die, i doubt the succulent will last very long. it is made for a dessert, but the world must still be spinning and the sun must still be shining for it to live on. 

so my life must be worth two, then. 

[ardenti-luna]

i have finals tomorrow, but i have decided the best way to ensure i pass is by not studying, so the information can sink in. its science.

[ardenti-luna]

If you see this you’re legally obligated to reblog and tag with the book you’re currently reading

[ardenti-luna]

it makes my little heart so happy that noah schnapp, with his 27 million instagram followers, (at least from what i know) was able to come out. when he wanted. without being pressured or outed. with a silly goofy little video.

like, coming out is often shown as Coming Out, and for some people, it is like that! and that is okay! but it doesn't always have to be a huge deal; it can also be a funny lil tiktok with a joke and yeah, maybe a shit ton of fear, but still not a Big Deal.

anyway, i hope mr schnapp isn't too affected by being told 'it's not my fault you don't like girls' at age like 11 😭😭

[ardenti-luna]

i have a confession. sirius and regulus's relationship is more important than jegulus or wolfstar to me.

that was it, thank you.