aromantic-spinda - Tumblr blog

[aromantic-spinda]

Thinking about the whole "cishet aromantic men" thing and I just think it kind of sucks that we see the words 'cishet' and 'men' and think "aha, there's someone who has absolutely nothing in common with us and it's us VS them" and it gets paired up with the shallow perception of aromanticism as just not wanting to date and staying single. I don't think alloromantic people can really understand what it actually feels like to be aromantic and just how alienating it can be sometimes.

So who is this hypothetical cishet aromantic man that we're so upset about? I mean labels aside he is a person with his own thoughts, feelings, goals, interests and perspective. And despite being cisgender and heterosexual, he is still outside of the norm because he is aromantic. This hypothetical person has probably wondered "why don't I feel the same way everyone else does?" He probably looked around to pick someone to have a crush on. He probably watched a movie or read a book with a love story in it and didn't think people actually felt those things. He probably feels guilty about wanting sex but not wanting the romance part of it. He probably wondered why he can't find the right person. And when he learned that he was aromantic he probably felt alone. He probably feels rejected by heteronormative society because he can't fall in love with the women he has sex with and feels rejected by the lgbtq+ community because he still wants to have sex with women.

Again, this is a hypothetical person. I don't know any cishet aromantic men personally. Probably because a lot of them either don't know what 'aromantic' even means or they know what it means but don't know it's what they are, or they know and they don't feel like they can be open about it. And all this aside, if anyone has any example of these big scary cishet aromantic men inserting themselves into queer spaces and causing problems, I would love to hear it because as far as I know this isn't a real problem

[aromantic-spinda]

Love as a word is like slang to me. It's very useful for getting across what I'm trying to say but very rarely do I use it literally (and even then I bend the understanding of it as an emotion). Oh I love the weather today. I love my hobbies. I love this art. Sometimes I get annoyed with how love is used as a synonym for practically every positive emotion under the sun, but other times I get it. It's all just slang.

[aromantic-spinda]

ricemedia published this cool article recently :]

[aromantic-spinda]

Sometimes it feels like the queer community begins to build a sort of pseudo normalcy around our various identities and push outliers away from these communities.

Like, a common "narrative" i suppose for aroacespec people is "no sex/romance, occasional repulsion, maybe qpr" and if you don't fit that model, you get lowkey excluded from the community. aroace sex workers, aroaces who date, aroaces who enjoy sex and dating, aroaces who get married, aroaces who have life long partners, aroaces who hookup casually, etc etc get pushed to the background

And obviously it is important to talk about people who don't want love and don't want sex and don't want to do anything, but epitomizing that one flavor of aroace leaves an undertone of "not real queer/not really oppressed" exclusionary discourse, just aroace discourse but less overt and under a new name.

It also erases the abuse that can occur to aroace people in sexual and romantic relationships. For example, our emotional and physical needs aren't met because we don't feel sexual or romantic love in the first place, so why would our needs matter. Or all people attempting to use the relationship to fix us. Etc, etc. All of these happen in relationships with aroace people who technically consented to the arrangement.

I have never once seen someone bring up that sort of toxic environment where allos think they can fix us outside of nonconsensual means

.

[aromantic-spinda]

i don't know if i'm aro or ace or both or aspec, but i've been thinking about it lately. can aromanticism and/or asexuality be something that is chosen? so much of what damages my self worth is the idea that i'm unlovable and untouchable. i've mostly only had experiences of abuse when it comes to romance and physical intimacy, and when that wasn't the case i felt deeply uncomfortable with "performing romance" and "performing love". i often tell myself it's just because i haven't found the right person, but then i think about how that person can't possibly exist because of the every thing about me. i just want an escape from it all. this is killing me. whether or not i'm aro or ace or both, amatonormativity is killing me.

This may be a Hot Take, but in my opinion, it can absolutely be a choice.

The thing about all identity is that it is chosen to some degree. The feelings/experiences we base our identities off of might not be, but how we make sense and express these feelings to ourselves and others is something we choose. We, even queer people, tend to conflate the labels we use with the experiences we use them to express.

I'm sure there are some people who will see "you can choose to ID as aro/ace because of trauma" and insist that's the same as encouraging people not to heal at all. Which is not true. What is healing for you and how you go about that is your business, first of all, and you may never decide to engage in these relationships and still have a meaningful life.

Secondly, it is absolutely fine if one day you decide not to ID as aro/ace any more. Identifying as aspec (or any kind of queer identity) should be about what best helps you make sense of your experiences, express them, and/or find community/resources right now. As you said, amatonormativity affects people regardless of if they are aspec. Accepting that you deserve to be cared for and have value regardless of your ability to perform sex/love is good for anyone. If these terms work for you right now, there's no good reason for me to tell you not to use them. Like I said, one day you may feel differently, and as a result you may use different words to express that. There is nothing wrong with that and you should never feel any pressure to stick with a label just because its what you've been using.

Thirdly, it is of course possible for someone to both be traumatized and aspec. I have issues with vulnerability and just don't feel any romantic attraction or desire for marriage. These things can co-exist, and the distinction may not matter to you as much as it might for someone else.

[aromantic-spinda]

What is lovelessness as an identity? For me, it’s a response to a world that pins my worth on the ability to desire, feel and perform certain shapes of love. It’s inextricable from my experiences as an autistic, where love deemed acceptable to allistics demands certain words, gestures and behaviours, our natural expressions dismissed as lesser. It’s inextricable from my experiences with family, where their love rarely softened invalidation’s wounds but often demanded my pain as its price. It’s inextricable from my experiences as an non-partnering, allosexual aromantic, where only love and marriage may cleanse my sexuality of dirt and deviancy. Western society and my mother’s religion, Catholicism, demand that I love to be decent, deserving, good. Lovelessness is a casual shrug. Really? Do I have to?

Love and Attraction: Yet Another Shape of Allo-Aro Antagonism by K.A Cook

[aromantic-spinda]

Listen I know I know it's because of our knee jerk reaction and fear from so much discourse and mocking "that's called having friends" I get it I do but I'm gonna be honest every time I see someone say "queerplatonic relationships aren't just friendships" it really grates me.

Part of the point of queerplatonic is that there is nothing "just" about friendships. Friendships can be close or intimate or the most important relationship in your life and still be friendships. Queerplatonic is a kind of friendship in my opinion, it's just one that challenges the relationship heirarchy and amatonormative ideas of which relationships are important and valuable and what a friendship can and cannot entail. That's it. It's not about certain actions or exclusivity its not about being "more" than "just friendship" its about prioritizing and valuing (a) platonic relationship(s) outside of the bounds of what society tells us is "normal".

This is why I prefer to define QPRs more by their opposition to the relationship heirarchy than in opposition to friendship. I personally would define a QPR as something along the lines of "a friendship/relationship that 'queers the platonic' by rejecting amatonormative beliefs that friendships are inherently less important, intimate, valuable, commited, or affectionate than romantic ones."

Now note, there are some people who feel that their personal experience with QPRs is seperate and distinct from friendships in general. This is also completely valid and no less of a QPR! QPRs are a very wide open category, and there really is no one size fits all QPR. I am not saying you personally have to define your own QPR as 100% platonic or as a friendship (this is why in my personal definition I wrote "friendship/relationship"). Some QPRs aren't! But I do dislike the fact that nowadays I so often see QPRs being defined or defended as explicitly Not Just Friendships, which is really alienating and hurtful to me as an aro who loves the concept of queerplatonic specifically because of how it challenges the idea that friendships are "just" anything.

Queerplatonic is not just a new step on the relationship heirarchy between platonic and romantic, nor is it (in my opinion) a platonic category completely seperate from friendships placed on the same level as romantic. It questions why we put certain relationships above others and restrict certain forms of care and intimacy to each of them at all (but maybe that's the relationship anarchist in me talking).

I 100% understand the urge to want to make a clear distinction between 'regular' friendships and queerplatonic relationships because we get shit on about it so much. I know I really do get it. But it's not helpful redefine QPRs in a way that alienates members of our own community in an attempt to gain the understanding and respect of people who have absolutely zero intention of understanding or respecting us.

In my opinion this is one of the scars from ace discourse that we need to heal from, in addition to rebuilding our communities. We do not have to let how we were shamed and harassed and bullied change our understanding of our terms or lose sight of how our existence and relationships push back against normative values in society that harm us.

[aromantic-spinda]

You say you accept aromanticism but do you only accept it as long as it fits your expectations? Do you only accept it as long as I keep my options open, as long as I don’t 100% settle on this label, as long as I allow you a small amount of hope that one day I’ll tell you I’ve changed, I’ve seen the light, I’ve found the One?

You say you accept aromanticism, but is your acceptance conditional on my redemption through platonic love? Do I have to prove to you that I am likable, that I am lovable, that I am human? Do I have to be touch starved, do I have to be lonely, do I have to feel like I am missing out?

You say you accept aromanticism, but do you believe me when I speak about dehumanization, about my anger at being pitied? Do you put yourself in my shoes and imagine the effort it takes to shape a future that looks like most people's worst fear? Do you understand that my life is not sad for not following your rigid guideline to happiness?

You say you accept aromanticism, but do you accept the changes I demand of society? Do you accept that relationship hierarchies are not inherent but learned? Do you accept that community is more meaningful in fighting the loneliness epidemic than finding the One? Do you notice that society is predisposed to benefit couples over singles? Do you realize that this is wrong?

If you say you accept aromanticism but only do so as long as I am quiet about it, as long as I make no demands, offer no criticism, draw no attention to myself, then I do not care for your acceptance because your acceptance isn't real.

[aromantic-spinda]

i don't know how to tell aros on tumblr but you can make posts about appreciating friends without implying that people who don't love their friends are wrong or weak or evil or romance obsessed allos

signed, an aplatonic arospec

[aromantic-spinda]

A podcast run by an asexual, an aromantic, and an aplatonic called "AAA" and every time an episode starts, one of them welcomes the audience by screaming into the mic

"hello and welcome to AAA!"

[aromantic-spinda]

A podcast run by an asexual, an aromantic, and an aplatonic called "AAA" and every time an episode starts, one of them welcomes the audience by screaming into the mic

"hello and welcome to AAA!"

[aromantic-spinda]

you want to be romantically attracted to someone? the thing that killed romeo and juliet?

[aromantic-spinda]

The Aromantic-spectrum Union for Recognition, Education, and Advocacy is raising $600 for general website and organizational costs. You can help us reach our goal here!

[Image Description: A white graphic that reads "Support Community Resources Made By Aros for Aros!" The graphic is decorated with dark green polka dots and to the right of the text there's clip art of four dark green silhouettes standing together. Underneath the text is the AUREA logo. At the bottom of the graphic, there's a dark green text box that reads: "AUREA is an all-volunteer organization dedicated to promoting aromantic-spectrum voices and community projects. Your donation helps us build and maintain aromantic community resources!"]

[aromantic-spinda]

happy aro week to abinary aros!

[aromantic-spinda]

I wish a very happy aromantic spectrum awareness week to everyone on the aromantic spectrum! To me aromanticism is an orientation, a life philosophy, a political stance and a big fuck you to heteronormative and amatonormative society and I think that's beautiful! So shout-out to all aros, your experiences are worth sharing and your aromanticism should be celebrated!

[aromantic-spinda]

Being aplspec makes discussions about friendships in aro spaces so awkward like. Yeah I agree friendship should be given more respect and amatonormativity should be dismantled. Yes I care very deeply for my friend(s). No I can't relate to your experiences with friendship or wanting friends. You've lost me. Why are you talking about friendship as if everyone has and/or wants it. Hey. Whatever happened to allowing people to decide what relationships they want and what those relationships entail for themselves.

It's exhausting because aro spaces are often one of the only spaces that will respect my devotion and care (sometimes I even call it love, depending on how I'm feeling that day) for my friend, but friendship is also just treated like romance is everywhere else and no one even seems to notice. You're not gonna defeat amatonormativity with the power of platonormativity. Have you considered readjusting your understanding of relationship anarchy and questioning your own biases and assumptions about platonic relationships? I'm drowning in "use friendship as a substitute for romance" posts over here

(and it's like. I don't want to criticize people's love for their friends or anything like that. I'm just so tired of all the assumptions of having and wanting friends. They're everywhere in here and make me feel so estranged from my own community)

(this turned into a bit of a vent but it's okay to rb and add on)

[aromantic-spinda]

I think it’s incredibly important for young people to be able to think about their future, and imagine that they might be happy

And unfortunately, this is a feeling that is stolen from a lot of young aro people the second that they realize they’re aro

So I want to say it right now: You can be happy

You can have a queerplatonic partner. You can have a romantic partner. You can have the freedom of singlehood. You can be a virgin, or you can have sex. You can have kids. You can be childfree and just be the cool aunt/uncle/pibling. You can have a whole bunch of friends and a thriving community of people to hang out with every weekend. You can live all alone in the woods with your eleven dogs and your online crocheting business

There are so many options before you besides the typical “dating-marriage-kids” pipeline, and if you try to do what you think you’ll enjoy, I promise that you can be happy