ash5150

[ash5150]

Christmas Day 2024

So that’s another one down but this year the day felt different. There was a tone of finality about it.

I realised I no longer miss my hometown, the people I used to know, the things I did, the things I experienced and the ways I felt.

People are people. They rarely change and if they do it’s usually a last resort. The person I used to be now feels like a total stranger.

I remember them but their actions and the things they used to believe in no longer make sense. Even the things I regarded as being set in stone now seem irrelevant.

The people I knew are now nothing more than names on a page. There is no malice or feelings of anger involved.

I am who I am, they’re who they are. There’s nothing more to be said.

Stay true.

[ash5150]

Addiction..A personal account.

I’ve noticed a lot of posts from new sober alcoholics about making it through the early stages of sobriety. But whilst every recovery story is different I thought I’d blog about my own personal experiences with achieving sobriety.

So 2006. Why then?

I’ll be as straightforward as I possibly can but if I can’t you’ll just have to roll with it.

It’s important to remember that once your journey begins you’ll never reach your destination. That’s because there is no destination, there’s no final destination or a stage when you can finally relax and let your hair down ( if you have hair that is.) Achieving sobriety doesn’t mean that all of your problems will magically erase themselves either, but you will have a clear mind to handle said problems.

My thirties were a time of personal “transition.” A lot happened in that short ten years. I moved on with a new home, job and I began to let go of the remnants from my first thirty years. When I got sober I was living in Mudgeeraba on the Gold Coast. The previous ten years had all been working towards what finally happened. I was thirty six.

I tried going sober in 2001 while still living in Sydney but at the time I wasn’t strong or dedicated enough so unfortunately I failed. I just put it down to not being ready which is something I still believe. In the beginning back in 2006 I went to the A.A meetings, I had to replace my addiction with something, anything else that would work. A new hobby?

I ended up walking after work every day in order to replace what had been my afternoon “drinking time.” I took my music collecting more seriously ( if that was even possible.)I’ve never been overly sociable ( thanks higher functioning autism!) so staying away from pubs, socialising and work functions wasn’t a problem. It’s one of the few times when my mental health ‘issue” has actually worked for me instead of against me.

It would have been easy to cave within the first month. But this time ( unlike in 2001) I was ready for sobriety, I wanted it and it was non-negotiable. I guess that’s why I got my first sober day tattooed onto my arm?

And the nay-sayers used to doubt my commitment? That’s hilarious. But even as far back as 2006 I knew what I had to lose. I think that’s the difference an extra five years of living with alcoholism can make.

The journey is never over.

To be continued.

A.

[ash5150]

Appreciate The Compliment.

This week something odd happened, something which hasn’t happened in years. When it happened I actually paused. I had to stop and actually process the way it made me feel.

Once the moment had passed it took me a good ten minutes to work out what had happened and I worked out what had happened. I’d been paid a compliment. For the average Joe it would have been disregarded and quickly forgotten but me? I approached it with caution. And why?

Because since I got sober I learnt to be humble and to accept something like that with humility, grace and to not let something as slight as that go to my head. Back in my late teens and twenties I had an ego on me which gave me nothing but trouble. I was in a band and my appearance looked nothing like I do now. I used to be encouraged quite a bit but my ego wasn’t built on something which was solid or worthwhile so when the chapter finished my self esteem crumbled which lead to some pretty bad shit happening ( most of it self-inflicted.) I eventually intend to write my story, probably from 1987 including my twenties to when addiction grabbed me. Moving to Sydney in 1998, the Gold Coast in 2005, tackling alcohol addiction from 2006 to moving to South Australia in 2022.

Whether you’ve found this blog by mistake or interested it really doesn’t matter. I have a story to tell. Heaven knows why I’m still here but fortunately I still am.

Thanks for talking the time to make it this far.

Cheers

Ash.

🙂

[ash5150]

Appreciate The Compliment.

This week something odd happened, something which hasn’t happened in years. When it happened I actually paused. I had to stop and actually process the way it made me feel.

Once the moment had passed it took me a good ten minutes to work out what had happened and I worked out what had happened. I’d been paid a compliment. For the average Joe it would have been disregarded and quickly forgotten but me? I approached it with caution. And why?

Because since I got sober I learnt to be humble and to accept something like that with humility, grace and to not let something as slight as that go to my head. Back in my late teens and twenties I had an ego on me which gave me nothing but trouble. I was in a band and my appearance looked nothing like I do now. I used to be encouraged quite a bit but my ego wasn’t built on something which was solid or worthwhile so when the chapter finished my self esteem crumbled which lead to some pretty bad shit happening ( most of it self-inflicted.) I eventually intend to write my story, probably from 1987 including my twenties to when addiction grabbed me. Moving to Sydney in 1998, the Gold Coast in 2005, tackling alcohol addiction from 2006 to moving to South Australia in 2022.

Whether you’ve found this blog by mistake or interested it really doesn’t matter. I have a story to tell. Heaven knows why I’m still here but fortunately I still am.

Thanks for talking the time to make it this far.

Cheers

Ash.

🙂

[ash5150]

So here’s to my first week on this here platform. I suppose the more I add the easier it’ll get. I used to add all of these long entries on another social platform and it really didn’t seem to do much. I mean how can you compete against a zillion cute cat memes?

Feel free to add a comment at your leisure. After all I’m no journalist ( or even a novelist for that matter.) So I won’t be competing for and awards so yeah.

Cool..

A🙂

[ash5150]

5 posts!

[ash5150]

With all the uncertainty which has been swirling around us for the last six months it’s easy to forget what really matters. It takes an awful lot of faith sometimes just to keep going. Every day lately I’ve been attempting to rationalise some of the things I’ve seen and heard.

Will I still have a job? Should we have moved here in the first place? I realise that it’s already been three years but sometimes I do tend to wonder. When we decided to move I never was actually asked if I was ok with it, I just buckled down, made the preparations and bang! Off we went. Truth be told I was fine not being asked if I was ok with the move with others already knowing I’d follow. I think they call that trust.

It takes courage to believe in something. It’s even harder when you’ve already been fucked around with before. I think that sometimes to just have to have a bit of faith in someone. I mean sure I whinge about this place quite a bit but in the end I know where I’d rather be. After all it isn’t your surroundings that tend to be the problem. It’s you. You can’t outrun your own mindset.

I’m fine.

🙂

[ash5150]

Hello there.

So this is my first entry in a very long time. I’ll be posting the odd blog here and there mostly about my experiences, my adventures and the lessons that I continue to learn.

It’s all in good fun really.

Cheers!