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just checked out my old tumblr (damn, it’s been 2 years) and my self-reflection posts made me cry because it’s what i’m feeling right now. definitely going to make more self-reflection post, at least once in a month? just to get a feeling of what’s going on in my life and if i’m actually doing things about it.

tumblr is nice to keep a record, me feels. it may be lighthearted, or it may be deep. it depends :)

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you made me eat raisins

you made me love running

you made me laugh until i cry 

you made me throbbing for you

you made me love you

and i am thankful for that

i won’t ask for anything more

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your fucking emotion right now doesn't matter. your relationship and whatsoever, fuck it. your woes and worries and anxiety and social judgement fuck it. you don't fucking matter now. the you tomorrow matters. do it for the you tomorrow.

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!!!

3 weeks and 2.7kg down. Not bad. 

Let’s see if I can push it further.

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day 0:

still trying to be alive and awake

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pssst gelap memangsa hilang telah raga sayup sayup suara itu muncul kemudian berkata masih hidupkah hati busuk ini pengkhianat cinta yang pantas hilang

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Why do I own a phone if it doesn't ring. Why do I have a mouth, if it doesn't speak? Why do I have a life, if it doesn't live.

u/ Throwaway124522

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This is scary.

But I am not terrified.

Heck, I am a bit baffled.

As a long sufferer of anxiety and struggling to live with it;

For once I feel depression is hugging me while shoving anxiety away for me.

Hey, this isn’t bad.

....

I’m just laughing at myself--why must it be during my final year which mostly will decide my future? Oh well. Either I just don’t care about anything right now, or actually I have faith in myself that I will recover soon and do well. 

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Betrayal

she convinces herself

there is nothing wrong with it

as she chases the dark

seduced by euphoria

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☀

Maybe I shouldn’t neglect my tumblr and convert it to a blog--a journal track of my ‘adventure’. It’s been a long journey for me initiating to tackle my anxiety and everything it causes. My time with CHAT is going to end soon--and for now, I have no idea on what discuss with my consultant. I’m happy with my current condition and struggling.

I wonder, why would sharing it online give me a relief? Why couldn’t I just shove it into a word processor and track my journey? Why do I put a sun emoji as a title despite the depressing posts? Do I hope for someone to stumble across my page and get inspired? I am not sure but it makes me feel better by posting.

I’ve been sharing with some of my friends (and sometimes regret it, but eh.) about me tackling anxiety and ensuring that people they love, who might suffer, need to acknowledge these fears and manipulate them into something great. It can’t go away, it will still linger. It is still a part of them. But what they can only do is make something great out of their disorder.

----------------------

My consultant asked me to think what I want to be like, when I get through all these anxiety times and be self-aware.

I am not sure, to be honest. Change is so scary, but it is necessary. I want to be more self-aware, more independent, decisive, calmer, less panic, and objective. Knowing my needs and wants. However, what kind of a person I’d be? I wish to be better, but I am afraid of changing into whom I don’t want. So there ya go, my anxiety kicks in again. It is hard for me to think what I want for good before. I never thought what is a better version of myself. I just wish to be better, without thinking how because I just wanted to get the fuck out of this disorder. 

Being in a relationship now for two years, I have learned to say what I want without being shy, without ‘hinting’ ‘obviously’. If I want attention, I will clearly say I want attention. Still, it’s a rocky road. But, the habit helped me during my anxious times, where I’ll state to myself, what I want and why am I anxious. Just as a simple wish as, “I wish to be calm,” will help me to be not indulged in the anxious moment and find a way to be calm. It sounds not hard, but trust me, it is so hard to acknowledge the wish. Before I’d roll around and cry, cry because there’s so many thought haunting me and I wanted them to stop. How could I make it stop? I’d be dwelled and drowned in the sea of thoughts and cry until I fell asleep. Waking up, I’ll still feel shitty as fuck.

Writing has been a great medium for me to let off my anxiety. It is as if all my thoughts that keep running around in my head are being kept in the journal. See, you won’t forget, you have written it down. And I will forget them after that. ha. Writing helped me to accept the facts about my surrounding. Anxiety is no longer scary, but it helps me to be more self-aware. It tells me I am still alive and there are things going around me. It isn’t a habit now, I only write at times my anxiety gone worse and cannot be helped. Like what I have said, anxiety will not go away. It will still be a part of me, it is my identity. But heck, now I am trying to turn my anxiety to be my positive trait instead of negative.

Having self-awareness greatly helps me acknowledge my anxiety and helped me to get through it. However, it is hard, you have to appreciate your current emotions and go deeper. It needs courage. You can be lost in that emotions and thoughts for days and forgot about your journey to understand the emotion. Instead, it consumes you. 

And to be able to succeed in this journey, you need to be discipline, courage, and be kind to yourself.

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to more and more adventure! . . . #postcards #dormdecor #dorm (at Hall of Residence 16 @ NTU)

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If you’re an introvert, follow @introvertunites​​.

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You’ve got to make a statement. You’ve got to look inside yourself and say: “What am I willing to put up with today?” … “NOT FUCKING THIS!!!

Hero, while trekking through Aegis Cave. Probably.  (via silverhawke)

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Eine Tasse Tee und eine stroopwafel. 

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A long time.