atlas-thorn

[atlas-thorn]

June flowers

photo credits to films news feed

summary: Loki is in love with June, but in pushing her away is incredibly cruel, and when finally confronted, he breaks down. She chooses Bucky who also loves her. 

authors note: this is angsty as hell, sorry in advance

warnings: angst, bullying, violence, abuse mentions, happy-ish ending.

pairing: bucky X oc

word count: 7500+

It was a beautiful morning when I awoke. The sun was filtering in the blinds at an angle that left lines of light on the wall. Everything was sore, a large bruise sweated on my side. It was an ugly blue, still in its beginning stages. The mission was a sucsess overall, but fuck I never wanted to scream more than when that super soilder punched me so hard I went flying. Bucky was there in an instant and the man had been punched back twice as hard. 

  I was sure at least two ribs were cracked. I hadn’t gone to the med bay yet, loki was there and I didn’t want to have to deal with it. I didn’t want any of those rude comments or snide remarks, I’d rather deal with a few broken ribs for a little while longer than be called names. He hated me, it was so obvious that he hated me. I wasn’t sure why, at first I thought it was an off day, but he really did. And that hurt. 

  Kindness doesn’t come easy, but it’s something I had always tried to show, even when he was mean to me for weeks, I still gave him my kindness, I still sometimes do. I don’t go out of my way to do it, but if there is something little and simple, I’ll do it. The other avengers get a little bit more kindness than him, especially bucky, the man who was slowly worming his way into my heart. 

  It was a little bit soul crushing the way Loki treated me, as if I was a worm. And as much as I’d love to say it didn’t affect me, it was starting to get to me. The way my stomach looked like ‘I had eaten too much cake’ the scar on my face ‘made me look like I'd been mauled by a bear’ even though I’d finally been more confident about it. 

  Bucky had helped me become more confident. His compliments and gentle smiles are reserved for me.

  The deep red line that disfigured my face, it was jagged and ugly, light a lightning bolt from my left temple, across my eye then my nose, stopping right after my cheekbone. It was like a shallow ravine, and depending on the season it could go from a white line to an ugly pink. The cold always made it pinker, and when I went into the war,from outside it would turn pink for ages. When I was ill it was easy to tell because it would become pink. Sometimes it would get incredibly inflamed.

  I wish it had healed better, but sometimes you have to roll with the punches. I sometimes covered it up with a bit of makeup but even that wouldn't help sometimes. For a while I just wore a mask, but it rubbed the scar raw more than once. I wish i had my powers before it happened, maybe i could have stopped it. But realistically I know I couldn't have. Hydra had not been kind to me. But they had given me fight and power. I could bend and use light as a weapon, as well as control plants to an extent, but that was a later discovery. One id only figured out during a fight where I'd been injured and vines wrapped around the man and tore him in two. I didn't mean to. I promise I didn't. 

  I groaned as i rolled to the edge of the bed and stood. I let out a cough which only hurt more. I was wearing my colorful pajamas, and as much as I would have liked to change that was just unrealistic. So i left my room without bothering with anything. The kitchen was my first destination. I had hoped that the area would be empty but my hopes were quickly quenched as i heard voices. At least three. My head pounded too hard to really tell them apart so i just walked in. Thor, steve, toni, loki and nat were seated on the sofa area chatting away. I greeted them quietly and opened a pre-made breakfast I'd made a few days before. Meal prep sucked but i liked to not have to cook as much in the week. 

  Nat stood and came to sit next to me at the kitchen island. “You doing ok? You took a hard hit” she asked tentatively “and you are a lot quieter than usual, and later up” as usual nothing slipped past her.

  I nodded tensely “hurts to talk, breathe, and do pretty much anything” I replied and let my head hit the marble counter, loving the cooling feeling. “I didn't want to go to the med bay last night but I'll go after I've eaten” my next sentence was to cut off my coughing. It was so violent I was nearly crying, and then there was blood, only a bit but it was certainly enough to catch nats attention.

  “Shit” she yelled out, causing everyone to rush over. Even Loki looked concerned, it was odd. I waved them off and stood, still coughing a bit.

  “I'm fine” I wheezed out.

  “You're clearly not,” Loki snarled. He was right but i shot him a venomous look that sent him back a few steps. Without any warning steve scooped me up. I groaned and nearly punched him. He jogged along quickly.

  “I could have just walked,” I bantered as the coughing stopped. “My legs are fine” I smiled at him and he looked at me. A hint of anger crossed his eyes.

  “You should have gone last night” he chastised. “You're clearly hurt and I should have made you go” I rolled my eyes at this as we finally entered the med bay. Dr Cho was there and ready, as if this was the biggest emergency in the world. “You really should have gone when we got back from germany” i gave him a sharp look. 

  “Fuck you” i replied as he sat me down. His stunned silence made me laugh. I don't think i'd ever said that to anyone, but the laughing brought the coughing and a little bit more blood. I prided myself on being kind so there was clearly something wrong. Nat walked in and rushed over to me as DR cho looked over me.

  “There is something really wrong with her Dr cho” Steve said, his face betraying his worry. “I dont think shes ever been mean in her life” his joke landed on deaf ears as i groaned. 

  Nat looked at us both musically “she was mean?” she asked, confused as hell. Not knowing you to be one to say anything unkind.

  He pointed an accusatory at me “she told me to fuck off” he jested, nats eyes widdened. Cussing was not something I did. 

  “Probably deserved it '' came tony's voice from behind “whats up, i heard our sunflower wasn't doing too hot” the endearing nickname didn't hide his worry. There was something clearly very wrong if I said something like that. Bucky came rushing in and stumbling next to me and clasping my hand, much to doctor Chos unhappiness as she continued to scan me. 

  Dr cho injected something into me and i felt the pain ebb. I looked up at the trio and glared. They all looked cautious. “Nothing is too wrong, some of the bruising reached the lungs and burst a few capillaries, the coughing is just causing more blood to come out. Isn't much I can do, and there isn't much blood, she will be fine with some bed rest, she's got nanites injected so it should take 3 days to be for the most part ok, 7 to be completely healed” she announced. A sigh echoed around the room as they all looked relieved. I closed my eyes.

  “Sunshine” Bucky whispered. I looked at him, annoyed as hell about all of this. “You're gonna be ok” I looked at him as if he had grown three heads. 

  “I have cracked ribs not hearing loss” i sassed, toni laughed and shook his head “i could have done this all on my own you know? No need to go out your way ``I sighed as the pain went away more and more. They were all still a little weary. 

  It was all their turn to look at me as if I had another head “as if you wouldn't do this for any of us in a moment '' Tony rolled his eyes. I was getting into a bad mood very quickly. Normally if I felt myself getting into a mood I would retreat to the garden and calm myself off, but here I was, stuck with multiple idiots doting on me. I felt bad the second the thought came around. They were just trying to help and I was moody as hell. Being in pain simply wasn't fun.  “Plus we had to make sure our sunflour was ok” this made me smile a bit, and they all let some tension go.

  “You’re my gal June, you know I had to come” that made me roll my eyes. But it made my heart skip a beat in a beautiful way. He really was worming his way in. 

  “Can i go back to my room yet?” i asked. Dr cho nodded and i pushed myself off the bed. Before i could go anywhere Bucky scooped me up again. I glared at him, but at least this time it didn't hurt as much “buck i swear if any of you pick me up again without asking we're going to have issues” his eyes widened and he nodded quickly. The others again, were stunned “i'm in a shit mood ok? sorry” that sent tony into a spiral of laughter as Bucky gently carried me bridal style out the room. Thor, loki and peter stood awkwardly outside. My impulse control went out the window for a moment as i flipped them off. Peters eyes widened, thor took a scared step back and loki simply stared. “I'm not a spectacle” I called out as Steve kept on walking.

  “She's in a bad mood. '' Toni announced, “Write this day down in the history books boys because that has never happened before” I rolled my eyes as we took a few more twists and turns. Bucky's eyes looked worriedly at me. I reached up and patted his head like I had done so many times before and smiled a little kind smile.

  “Sorry Bucky bee” I whispered as we got to my door. He shook his head and laughed. It was an odd feeling “i know you're trying to help and that wasn't nice of me” 

  “Here you are, with internal bleeding, cracked ribs and you're apologizing for being in a bad mood? This is the first time you've been really hurt in forever, i don't blame you” we entered my room and he laid me out gently. “Apology accepted ONLY if you actually follow the doctors orders” I groaned as he watched me “sunshine you know you're family to all of us, we're just worried” I rolled my eyes, feeling a bit hurt “you’re our sunshine, we have to protect you” this annoyed me. I was 23, not 12. But I bit my tongue and just allowed the good in what he said to get through. He held his breath for a few seconds. He was so close to me, I thought he might kiss me“Tell Friday if you need me” and with that he was out the door. I groaned and looked at the ceiling. It wasn’t as if you were head over heels for the Sargent, but it was slowly getting there.

  I scowled and just lay there. “Friday please play the music i like” the familiar tunes started. Tony had many times told me ‘you don't need to be nice on friday. She doesn't have emotions’ but it felt right to say please and thank you to her. 

The next three days were a blur of everyone checking in and looking after me. It didn't bother me as much as the fact that loki came in to make jabs at me. I threw my lamp at him, which shut him up and he had not visited since. He was really starting to make me hate myself again. I felt heavy and depressed. My mood hasn't really gotten better; everyone was trying their best to cheer me up, but it wasn't working well, the only one who could manage to cheer me up was Bucky. He brought books to read and would let me rest my head on his lap, he even rubbed my head gently. It was lovely. At one point I had fallen asleep with him sat there, and when I woke up, he had maneuvered himself so that he too could rest. When he woke he blushed and apologized leaving quickly. It was sweet. 

But I was stuck in this stupid bed, it was at least the last day of it. And as Friday announced my imprisonment was over I jumped out of bed and threw one some clothes and went to my garden. It was a fast walk, an attempt at running proved I wasn’t as healed as I hoped but I was there quickly enough. I collapsed to the ground and hugged the earth. The plants spoke to me, and comforted me. My mood improved but I still was feeling agitated, so I let myself lay in the sun, soaking up her rays as I let the earth and sun heal me. Bucky loved it here too, and sometimes if he was lucky I’d make some plants especially for him. But who was I kidding, I would do it even if he wasn’t lucky. 

  The garden wasn’t large, but nonetheless I was grateful for this little bit of heaven outside the avengers compound. It stood out starkly from the area around it, and it was a place most of the group liked to go to relax. It was a safe space for most of us. I let my hold on my power go and just let myself emit a glow, and let the grass around me grow taller and taller. It would have been a strange sight to see. It took an effort to be able to leash it at all times, and if for a while I didn’t get to let it out, it started to ache. I reigned all my power in and put a cork on the bottle. It was nice. That changed quickly as I felt footsteps along the ground. I sat up from my cradle of grass expecting to see Bucky and found Loki looking at me pointedly. 

  “What” I snapped. He was taken aback. The only other time I’d spoken to him like that was when a lamp met its untimely end. Bucky had cleaned it up, the total sweetie. 

  “You look stupid” he snarled. My chest clenched tightly as I lay back down onto the now overgrown grass. “Maybe do some work instead of being lazy” he chided. Tears Pricked my eyes so I turned onto my side and curled up. I’d rather look stupid than look weak. “Gods why do we put up with you”

  He walked closer To me. A sob broke from my lip. I couldn’t control it. I lifted my arm up and bushes started to grow quickly around me, and then the vines and grass followed. I grew a tree around me, and wrapped myself in its roots. I was done with all this. There were so many layers between us I couldn’t really make out his shouts. But I didn’t care. I just laid there and cried, glowing like a firefly. My ribs hurt badly. I felt him tearing at the outsides but I simply wrapped myself tighter in roots till I was essentially in a tree trunk of a great oak. My light lit up the beautiful insides but my eyes could barely see a blur. I pushed myself up and clutched my legs close. I let out a scream of anger and slammed my head back into the tree. Once, twice, three times till my head was swimming so badly I couldn’t hit it again. I clawed at my skin which felt like it was on fire. As if ants had crawled under my skin. That phrase was one used many times in my childhood. It was used when they slashed up my face so that I could never leave them. I clutched fistfuls of my hair and tugged at it. There was thumping outside the tree, there were at least 6 people. I kept the tree strong. Three days worth of not using my powers once made it easy to maintain. The well was full. 

  I slammed my fists into the bark and watched as my knuckles bled. All I could think about was his hands on me. The man who gave me the scar. I let out another yell and kicked out. Slamming into everything around me. His eyes haunted me. A deep brown that I could never unsee. And then It was as if I was paralyzed. Watching me getting my scar from an outside view. I watched as he doused me in water, I was already shivering. The carved across my face, mt trying to struggle away from him. My plants were failing. I couldn’t concentrate. And then there was a small hole. It got bigger and bigger as an ax hacked away at it. I watched as Bucky's face appeared. I shrunk away from him. He moved back and hacked away some more. I didn’t try to grow it back. I didn’t have a chance. He was here. I knew he was here for me. This time to take out my eye like he promised if I ever tried to leave again.

  When the hole was big enough Bucky scooped me out and pulled me close. My team was standing around me as I hyperventilated. All looks of pity in their eyes. I tried to get away from Bucky but his arm held fast. Tony checked out my wounds as I struggled. Bucky whispered sweet words in my ear. “You’re safe” he murmured. He kept me close until I was no longer having the panic attack. I hadn’t had one in well over a year. My chest hurt so badly. I whimpered as Bucky stood and curled in closer to him. He draped his jacket over me, I looked at the faces around me. 

  Loki stood there looking devastated and with a bruise forming on his cheek. I looked at him dead eyed. He opened his mouth burns punch from nat shut him up “shut the fuck up, don’t speak to her again” he was splayed out on the ground as Bucky started to move. The team followed close behind. The vibranium arm I had come to find so beautiful cradled me close. As if I could break at any second. I looked up at Bucky, and caught him glancing down at me. I stared through him. 

  I felt myself being placed down. I didn’t move, I didn’t struggle, I simply let myself disassociate. I knew there were things happening around me, but nothing registered.

  I felt someone shake me gently and turned to stare at Toby holding a plate with various fruits. My senses came back and I realized I was on my favorite portion of the sofa, a blanket wrapped around me bucky holding me close. I shifted a bit and took the plate with a small smile. “Thank you,”I whispered. Tony's eyes lit up as he patted my head. 

  “Can’t let our little sunflower be hungry” I smiled a little wider as I ate a slice of apple. Bucky rubbed my back gently. “Are you ok?” he asked. I nodded gently and sighed. 

  “Feeling better than 5 minutes ago” I responded “honestly I’m not feeling too great”

  Bucky pulled me in closer and I let my head rest on his chest. “Want to talk about it doll” he whispered. I shook my head. Tony walked away, leaving me and Bucky together. I turned and looked at him, tears stinging my eyes as I placed the plate down and buried my face into his neck. “It’s ok sunshine, let it all out” he soothed. I just sat there and let myself cry. 

  “He used to always say those sorts of things,” I whispered. Bucky tensed up for a moment. I’d discussed most of my past with him. He ran his fingers through my hair and cradled me close. “And when Loki said it, it was like he was there. My body felt like it had ants under my skin biting me” he hummed and continued to untangle my hair. “I was there, I was being tortured again by him.”

  “I’ll never understand how a father could ever do that to his child,” Bucky muttered. I just shoot my head. “I want my child to grow up loved” I nodded at that. “I want them to have a beautiful mother who loves them, and is kind, someone like you” I lifted my face from his neck and looked at him. “You deserved so much more” I gave him a tender smile and scooted off him a bit. He whined and tried to pull me closer but I rearranged myself so I could lay my head in his lap and look up at him. 

  “I’m trying to make myself believe I deserved better but it’s hard” I admitted. His brows furrowed. He grabbed a slice of mango this time and held it to my mouth. I ate it gratefully “I still have nightmares, you know that” he did. Many a night was spent in the living room playing board games or reading with him after we had woken up. Sometimes I was alone doing it, sometimes he was. I had told him about a few of them. “Sometimes they leak into my days” he nodded and started to trace little patterns on my arm. 

  “I know the feeling” he replied. “I hope someday you see yourself how I see you” I smiled and reached out to hold his hand.

  “And how do you see me?” I teased, not expecting a response, but his eyes got serious. 

  “You are stunning, the way you smile and it lights up the room. You do all sorts of little things for people even if they don’t notice” I looked at him incredulously “it’s pretty obvious you’re the reason why all my favorite midnight foods are always stacked up, and I know you’re the one who leaves the little care packages for all of us when we’re struggling” my face heated up and I covered most of it with my hands. He gently peeled them away and looked me in the eyes. “You’re the most amazing woman I’ve ever met” I smiled at him. My heart is humming happily. “I-“ he hesitated. I looked at him and placed my hand on his cheek, running my fingers across his cheekbone. We had moments like this before but none this tender and vulnerable. 

  “I think I’m in love with you” I blurted out all of a sudden. His eyes grew wide as he held me a little closer. “You don’t have to say anything, or even feel the same, but you are so precious to me” his smile lit up the room as he leaned down and gently kissed me. 

  “You took the words right out my mouth” he jested. I lit up as he pulled me into a seated position so I was semi straddling me. He took my chin and gently moved it so I was looking him in the eyes. “You are so stunning” he whispered and kissed my cheek. My cheeks stung with heat. “You are so kind” he kissed my other cheek “and I’m in love with you” he gave me one final peck on the cheek before pulling me in right. I sighed happily and let myself be bundled up. “I trust you,” he murmured. I was honored. 

  “I trust you” I replied and nuzzled his neck. I didn’t notice loki watching us. I didn’t notice his tears. And in that moment Loki's heart broke a little. I’m his haste to push you away. He has pushed you into someone else's arms. 

The next few days were spent with Bucky watching carefully over me until I felt no pain. He helped me do everything, including laundry. He rubbed my back and gave me frequent pecks on the lips. The team had noticed instantly and were all congratulating us. Tony threatened bucky, and Steve clapped bucky on the back saying “finally” I smiled a lot more in those days, getting closer and closer to myself. I’d only seen loki in passing and bucky often scared him off with a look. I was grateful to the team for keeping him away from me. I didn't think I'd be able to face him, and I was sure if he made another comment I could rip him in half. There were no missions for me for a bit, all of our schedules were relatively clear. An off season for the bad guys I suppose.

  “Sunshine?” Bucky said as I stood in the kitchen cooking. I hummed happily as he wrapped his arms around me. “You know i could have cooked breakfast for us doll” i rolled my eyes as i placed another pancake on the steadily increasing pile. 

  “Its for all of us silly” i responded. “Plus you were sleeping so sweetly” he slept beside you that night. We were both just happy to cuddle and be close. We had both slept so deeply and soundly. Not a nightmare in sight. Sam walked in and made a fake gagging sound, which earned him a vicious glare from bucky.

  “Shut it sam” he growled burying his face in my hair. I chuckled.

  “I didn't say a thing. '' he responded snidely “sunny are those pancakes?” he asked. Bucky's nostrils flared angrily. “Are you making us all pancakes!?” He let out a squeal as he dashed over to the table. 

  “Yes birdie, I’m making everyone pancakes” I announced. I rolled my eyes and placed one of the big plates filled with pancakes in the center. Sam instantly had 3 and was scoffing them down. “Friday please tell the team there are pancakes” 

  “Yes miss June” Friday responded 

  “Thank you Friday” I replied to her. Sam gave me an odd look. “Oh shush sam you bird” I teased. Tony was the first through the door, he rushed in and sat at the table, dishing out some pancakes to himself, covering them in syrup. “You guys are acting like we’re gonna run out” I commented as bucky joined them. Another pancake was ready for the table. Everyone trailed in slowly, Peter had stayed the night at the compound and came in looking groggy. Last but not least loki. Everyone fell silent as he sat down. As I finished off the batter I took the seat between nat and bucky, loki sitting nearly across from me. 

  “Thanks sunflower,” nat said, nudging me with her arm. I nudged her back and smiled.

  “Thank you miss June ma'am, '' Peter said, and everyone took it as their cue to thank me, all except loki. Thor poked his brother with a scowl.

  He cleared his throat “thanks” I gave him a small smile as we all started to finish up. 

  “Nose goes for dishes, '' Tony shouted. I was not fast enough, Loki and I were last. I gave him a look. “Sorry flower, reindeer, you’re it” I opened and closed my mouth and got up with a huff. Bucky gave Tony a warning look. 

  “No more pancakes for you then tony” tony made puppy eyes and stuck his tongue out. Loki stood and helped with the plates. I didn’t see a word for him as I started to rinse them off. 

  “Can we talk?” Loki asked. I gave him a side eye. The team was filling out, but Bucky stayed, keeping a close eye on us “alone?” He gestures to bucky. I looked over at Bucky and nodded. He stood up and walked by me, kissing me on the forehead briefly.

  “Shout for me if you need me” he declared, glaring at loki. 

  “What?” I asked. 

  “I’m sorry about a few days ago,” Loki said quickly. I looked at him stunned and took a few steps back. 

  “You don’t have to lie to me loki. We all know you don’t like me, you hate me even, and whoever put you up to saying sorry, should know I don’t want it” I looked at him coldly. 

  “I truly am sorry” he whispered, looking at his feet. “I don’t hate you,” he murmured.

  “Really?” I snarled “so all of that was because you like me and don’t hate me? God loki you make me fucking hate myself” I turned away from him and continued on the dishes. “Tell whoever sent you, you said sorry. I May forgive you one day, but don’t for a second thing I will forget” he looked heart broken. 

  “I love you June,” he blurted out. I was so shocked I broke a plate and slashed my hand open. I cussed under my breath and brought my hand out of the water. 

  “Loki, how you treat me isn’t love” I whispered “if you loved me you’d make me feel loved, you make me feel like a worm” I shook my head. 

  His eyes welled up with tears as he watched my hand drip blood. “I’m so sorry love” he whispered, coming closer to me. I flinched away and it looked like he had been hit. He fell on his knees in front of me. “I’ll do anything to earn your forgiveness, your kindness again” I looked away from him and squeezed my eyes shut. I willed my tears to not fall, and my heart to slow. “I was scared of being in love with you, I was scared you’d break my heart, or I’d break yours”

  “Loki you broke me over and over just so I would stay away from you” it was barely a whisper but it shook the walls. “Stay away from me” I said, a little louder. “If this is what your love looks like I fear for the people you hate”

  His head dropped, I finally looked at him again as he shook with sobs “please” he pleaded. 

  “Loki I may have considered you a friend once. Even when you weren’t kind to me. I was kind to you. I even made Tony stop with the cruel pranks because I saw how much it hurt you. And then you became worse and worse to me. I nearly quit the team because it was so bad” I admitted. It was hard to say to him. “I think there was a time where I could have loved you” and that admission was even harder. “When I thought you just weren’t used to me, or needed more space than I could give, but that changed '' his devastated sobs filled the room. 

  “I’ve ruined everything” he cried out. I walked up to him and rested my good hand on his shoulder. He pulled me in and buried his face into my stomach, using me to dry his tears and quit his sobs. I let him. “But please, at least let me love you from afar” 

  I closed my eyes “loki, if you don’t ever treat me that way again, we can work our way to friends but I do not trust you” he pulled me in closer and I nearly fell. My hand was still bleeding. With some difficulties I pulled away from him. “If you want to earn my forgiveness, start by being kind” and with that I walked out the room. 

  “I love you” he cried out just before the door slipped closed behind me. 

  I caught bucky eavesdropping, it didn’t bother me at that moment. I just walked by him, my hand still Dropping blood and headed to the med bay. “Shit doll your hand!” I looked at him and threw myself into him and let out a gurgling sob. I felt his arms lift me and I didn’t complain. Not even when he set me down in the med bay and got a doctor to Stitch me up. 

  “Home please” I whispered after it was all done. He nodded and lifted me again, taking me to his room and clutching me close. 

  “Doll?” He whispered as I continued to cry. 

  “Yes?” I whimpered. Looking up at his face. A tear slipped out his eyes and I wiped it away “don’t cry my rose” 

  “I can’t help it, whenever I see you cry I get sad on your behalf, I get angry on your behalf” he replied nuzzling me lightly “I hope you know I adore you” he ran his finger across my scar, something he had taken to doing when we were in private whispering sweet nothings to each other. “I hope you know that I’d hurt you” I nodded as he placed his palm on my face. He started to kiss my scar. I tried to pull away like I had the last time but he didn’t let me, and I relaxed into him. The last time I had told him ‘I don’t want something as beautiful as your lips, on something that ugly’ 

  “Don’t be upset on my behalf” I huffed out as he pulled me on top of him so I was half curled on him, and half curled on the bed. “I hope you know I would always choose you” I alluded to Loki's confession that felt heavy on me. I felt guilty.

  “I know” 

  “No matter what” 

  “I know,” he said again. 

  I pushed off him and moved to his dresser. “Closed eyes please” I whispered as I stole one of his many shirts and boxers and put them on. He hadn’t seen me fully naked yet, and my insecurities were evident. As I looked over I saw he had also stripped down to just his boxers. His eyes were wide “babyyyy” I whined. He had seen my scarred back. “Stawp” i walked over and flopped next to him, grabbing his metal hand and placing it on my cheek. “They’re just scars” I whispered as I traced where his flesh met the arm, sending a little bit of light and heat into it. He smiled and kissed me gently, pulling me down and cuddling me close. 

  “You’re safe with me” he said as he tightened his hold. 

  “I’m safe with you” I mimicked. Something we had done many a time “you’re safe with me” 

  “I’m safe with you,” he responded. I nodded and nestled in “i don’t think I’d be able to control myself if he hurt you again” 

  I shook my head sadly. “I don't think he will,” my voice was soft. 

  “Mine” he murmured and nuzzled my neck. I laughed and relaxed. 

  “Yours” I said with a smile, quickly dozing off. 

  In the following weeks Loki had gone out of his way to be kind. It was jarring. He was really being wonderful but Bucky always kept a close eye on him. The moments we had together became more and more common as I essentially moved into his room. It was strange to be so close to someone who I had thought would never want to share this type of space with me. But it was beautiful. 

  But as things always do, things changed. “Hello you beautiful, stunning and kind sunflower, I brought you some flowers from the market you like” loki said and placed the vase on the kitchen counter as I finished up the last of my meal prep for the week, which now had doubled seeing as the human incarnation of a golden retriever likes to eat it with me. 

  “Thank you loki, but please keep the endearments to a minimum, we talked about this” it had made me and bucky uncomfortable, mostly me. “Just June please” 

  He nodded and smiled. “I got you another gift, Thor retrieved it from Asgard for me” I looked at him quizzically as he pulled out an ornate wooden box. He handed it over sheepishly and when I opened it I was too stunned to speak. A beautiful golden sun pendant sat there, with a chain to go with it. It was encrusted with little white gems, with a large one at its center. I looked at him strangely. 

  “What is this?” I whispered “you know I can’t accept this' ' I pushed my hand out towards him with the box.

  “Please beau- June” he corrected himself mid sentence “I’m going to be leaving for a while. I’m not sure how long, but this necklace will let me know that you are safe” I furrowed my eyebrows. 

  “Where are you going?” I asked quizzically. 

  “Thor and I are needed in Asgard” he whispered “I just can’t bear the thought of something happening you and me not knowing until it’s too late” I nodded my head gently and clutched the box tightly “this is goodbye for now”

  “Goodbye loki, be well” he smiled gently and walked off. Bucky walked in a few minutes later and watched me eye the box. 

  “What ch’a got?” He asked, wrapping his arms right around my waist and planting his face in my neck.  

  “Loki is leaving for a while” I responded, avoiding some of the questions. 

  “I heard” came his tentative response. I opened the box and showed him the necklace. 

  “Apparently this necklace will let him know if I’m safe or not. I’m not sure about it frankly” I leaned my head back “would you be on with me wearing it? I’d feel bad if I didn’t, this looks incredibly expensive” he growled gently into my neck. 

  “Fine, but only because I trust you so much. '' I chucked at that. “Mine” he murmured and put me gently. I held his arms around my waist and nodded. He took it from me and placed it around my neck. It hummed faintly with what I assumed was magic. I smiled and gave him a light kiss.

  “Yours” I responded. His smile lit up the world as he nuzzled into my neck. It was moments like that, which I desperately wished I could save in a bottle and keep forever. The little moments of love. I held him close to me for a while longer till we both decided to lay on the sofa together. 

  “I wish we could give this life up,” he murmured. I looked at him strangely. “start a little family, somewhere no one will know us” I smiled at him and kissed him ever so gently. 

  “One day we will” I promised. And at the time, I had really thought that we would. 

Weeks later a large mission came in “You’re Not going!” Bucky said loudly as it was announced me, him, Sam, Steve and tony would be raiding a hydra base. “I don’t want you going there” I rolled my eyes at him. This was something that had happened a few times, and every now and then I had stayed behind, but only because he managed to get a replacement for me. I hated not going but he begged and begged until I caved. But this time was different. 

  “Bucky you know I need to” I whispered and held his hand “you know that I do” I squeezed it. The base was the same one I was dragged into and abused. And I needed that closure. I needed to see it all again and say goodbye. I needed to go in there and have the control that I did now.

  “No way in hell I’m letting you go though that” he barked. “What if you get hurt?” he fretted over me. Others were filling out slowly, and watching cautiously. I felt a bit awkward. Not used to anyone showing this amount of concern. 

  “Bucky” I soothed “I need to do this for me” he dropped his head and let it hang “you know it'll be good for me, plus if I get hurt then I promise you get to nurse me to health and I won’t complain once”

  He caved and said “ok but I’m sticking with you” I rolled my eyes as we stood and headed to the gear room. He stayed glued to my side as I picked up my guns, knives and body armor. It was Kevlar but still flexible, it was my stealth suit which was black instead of the near white one I wore on more public missions. I was ready in minutes and bucky watched me as I nervously fidgeted on the way to the jet.

The ride was short, we listened to music but when we finally landed I was on edge. 

  “You guys know the drill, '' Tony announced. We all murdered out agreements as we exited. I kept low as we barged through the door, I took out two men, bucky close behind. The halls were so familiar. I felt as if it was all closing in on me. 

  “On your 7” bucky warned as more approached. We were a distraction. As we powered through I came across the door I dreaded. The place I’d been held. I froze up. The sun I had painted on the door had nearly all chipped off. I couldn’t move, and then we were surrounded. I struggled to breathe for a moment. 

  12 men started to take us on and I struggled. The first one took a knife through the throat, the next two were shot by me. There were only a few left when I felt white hot pain lance through my middle, then another jab through my chest. I felt myself fall as if I was another person. Bucky took the rest out and was clutching me close. 

  “No no no no” Bucky murmured. “June is down, we need backup” he yelled into his ear piece. I looked at him strangely as I placed my hand on my chest, it felt warm and sticky. 

  “I’m sorry” was all I could muster. It all felt like it was slow motion. I didn’t actually think it would happen like this. Not here, not with the man I love. It was the place I so desperately wished to destroy, yet here I was, dying.

 “No no baby this is my fault” his eyes watered “hold on you’re gonna be ok” 

  “Bucky?” I groaned as he put pressure on my chest making me cough. He looked desperate. 

  “What is it doll? '' he caressed my head in his lap. 

  “I love you” was the first time I had said it. It would be the last. I knew that moment I was done for. 

  “I love you too,” he responded. “Please baby stay with me” honestly I didn’t want to. I felt so good and warm. I shook my head sadly. I held his hand close. 

  “I think I’m going to die” I whispered, and I was fucking terrified. “I’m scared” my eyes blurred with tears and his frantic yells got louder. 

  “You’re Not going to die here June, I won’t let you die here” he kissed me gently and continued to put pressure on my wound.

  “I’ll miss you” I said sadly, holding his hand that tried to no avail to quench the bleeding. I was running out of time quickly “you’re my hero James” it was a simple sentence but sent him into a spiral of sobs. I was getting warm and sleepy. It was getting harder and harder to stay away from the dark. 

  “Don’t leave me,” he begged. I smiled at him, a heart broken smile that I so hoped conveyed all the love I have for him. I willed all my hopes, dreams, and sheer love into that look, before I closed my eyes. I could hear his yelling and pleading. But I let myself go. I didn’t want to fight anymore. 

Death wasn’t so bad. Not as bad as I had expected it to be. Floating around as a ghost was kind of nice. Yes it was lonely, but it was also nice. People moved onto the next stage of the afterlife often but I seemed to be still tied here. 

XxXx

I lifted out my body as I heard him scream my name. I watched the others arrive as he was already mourning, and I watched Loki arrive a few minutes after the rest, wild eyed. I tried to comfort them all, but my words landed empty. His scream shook the earth. I felt bad for him. He had loved me, and I had never loved him. And now he never could see me again. 

My funeral was nice. My friends all came to pay tribute, and there was a public funeral so the media could share the message. I wanted a party, I’d told them all that as a half serious joke many times, they celebrated with me. I enjoyed sitting with them. “I will wait for you in June” Bucky had promised. Loki wasn’t around. But I knew he had taken it badly. 

He was truthful, as annoyed as it made me. I wanted him happy. But I was also a little grateful to keep him with me longer. 

It had been years of watching when Bucky finally joined me. “June?” He asked. He looked young again. 

 “It’s me,” I replied. And when he scooped me up, I felt us heat up, and be dragged to the next stage of our lives, together at last.