audhdating

[audhdating]

Please be patient with those of us with auditory processing disorder. We just need more time for the gears to turn in our heads.

[audhdating]

Practical guide to AuDHD when someone changes your plans and you’re about to have the Meltdown of Meltdowns:

Don’t ❌ go along with it, let if fester, ruin your day, ruin your relationships because the resentment will let you remember this for a really long time;

Do ✅ feel things, express them (even if just to yourself, if you need that rage cry - go for it), disengage, put boundaries, consider your needs, do whatever you need to do to make yourself happy. You don’t owe anyone your time, if they can’t keep up, you don’t have to either.

[audhdating]

Poor Pitiful Me

Well, it's happening again.

There's a woman at a bar I go to who I've known for months because we interact with the same regulars. She's 25, so I dismissed her as too young long ago.

Well this woman (lets call her Amelie) has seemed interested in me for awhile. She gets really giggly and makes sexy jokes and talks about having daddy issues. So, I generally just laugh it off because half my age plus seven = 29 and a rule's a rule.

But I've listened to people of various genders I talk about the age issue over the past few months and most of them act like it's not a big deal, unless they're under 20 or really immature or some other extenuating circumstances. One woman told me about the 21-year-old guy she slept with and said she would do it again.

A few weeks ago, I told her and this other guy that in the past two years I had turned down three women under the age of 29 who were definitely interested in me. The guy said "Really? That's a lot, man."

Bear in mind, this guy is traditionally attractive, while I have a Donal Logue in Tao of Steve thing going on. And the fact that he was surprised by this (and disappointed that it had only happened to him once) gave me a nice, little self-esteem boost.

But I am really starting to crack because I'm not used to someone I'm not interested in directing such an intense (and effective) barrage of flirting that Amelie's taken to recently. I generally think of myself as having pretty resilient self-control, but I'm only human.

[audhdating]

The Rules

Dating in my 40s comes with challenges I didn't have in my 20s: namely the role that age plays in dating dynamics.

My ex-wife Anna was 8 years older than me and we were married 17 years. The woman who recently broke things off with me was two years older than me. I've never been obsessed with youth as a marker of attraction. I'm far more drawn to who a person is.

That does mean there have been a handful of times where I've struck up a conversation with someone who turned out to be younger than the half-your-age-plus-seven rule. For me, that's 29. But I've found I don't usually mesh well with women that young.

But then there's the time I met a woman who's fun to talk to and into the same things as me and it turns out she's 25! She likes older guys. She's coming onto me. I had to tell her I couldn't. But the devil on my shoulder kept asking "Why not?" And part of me was like "Yeah, why not?"

I mean, Cougars and Silver Foxes are totally normalized now, right? So, is the age gap inherently exploitative? I got the sense that the older guys she had been with had also been complete pieces of shit. I just kept thinking about how I didn't want to be the next old, piece of shit who fucks up her life even more.

It was all too much. I couldn't handle the ethical implications, so I just walk away instead.

Fast forward a bit and now I'm talking to a bartender at a bar I frequent. I bum cigs from her, I share weed with her. We chat on smoke breaks and really gel. Eventually, she asks for my number so I can hook her up with weed.

She's 30.

We've been texting daily for about two weeks. I don't have the same anxiety about the ethical implications, but it still feels really weird. We talked about it already, so it's out in the open. She seems to accept my weirdness and likes talking to me. And I like her quite a bit. So, I'm entering this relationship cautiously. I just don't want to fuck things up.

[audhdating]

Can we talk for a moment about how lonely being autistic is? Nobody sees what you see. Nobody hears what you hear. What resonated with you doesn't resonate with anyone else.

Craving connection and nobody can know you.

[audhdating]

I’m so glad I live in a reality where I can get high before getting on an airplane. 😅

[audhdating]

[audhdating]

An IT Support person I occasionally talk to told a group text that he had a funeral to attend and my texted response was “I’m sorry for your funeral.”

The my coworker said “I’m sorry for your loss” and I thought That’s what I meant!

Having time to sufficiently overthink things, it sounds like I’m apologizing to the dead for requiring a funeral.

[audhdating]

Autistic trauma: School Edition

Hiding in the bathroom

Feel like social outcast

Constant self monitoring

Know you are not liked but not sure why

Bullied

Hyper vigilant

Lonely

Crying at home

Last pick for games

No real friends

Not invited to parties

Littlepuddins.ie

[audhdating]

Contradictory Confidence

The guys I know who are the most confident around women are some of the biggest pieces of shit. And I'm not only talking about Kid Rock cockiness or any other easily identifiable red flag.

I'm talking about the guys who are charming and smooth and brimming with self-confidence. That confidence came from repeated successful conquests paired with an obliviousness to the aftermath.

But what happens if you're a guy who overthinks everything, especially the aftermath? What happens if you agonize over every decision you make because you're acutely aware of what's at stake emotionally in every potential relationship?

Not only do I tend to keep to myself in social situation, but I'm perpetually on high alert for how I'm perceived by everyone around me. My rejection sensitivity has me wanting to be as inconspicuous and unbothersome as possible*.

And that overthinking doesn't stop when I start a relationship with someone. If anything, it goes into overdrive, such that I'm desperately trying to anticipate and prevent even the slightest discomfort on the other person's behalf (I am aware that this is a trauma response).

It's hard to possess the kind of confidence that seems to be so universally attractive when you're constantly worried about fucking everything up. It's so bad that I will even disclose whatever flaws pop into my head so that the woman knows what she's getting into because I feel like it would be unfair if I didn't.

Who the fuck does that?!?

Yes, I've tried to "fake it til you make it," but that feels dishonest too. I'd rather be up front and honest about who I am, but that instinct puts me at a distinct disadvantage to pieces of shit with unshakeable swagger. It's incredibly discouraging.

Like a lot of things in life, I've learned that I just have to accept that my methods aren't normal, but that the right person will recognize what I'm doing and appreciate me for who I am. Of course, that person is more likely than not going to be neurodivergent.

*Until I'm comfortable with the person, at which point my outgoing personality emerges. This leads to a whole new series of problems I'll explain later.

[audhdating]

First Kiss

Do you know how fucking stressful it is to discern whether it's time for the first kiss when you can't read social cues?!?!

As a general rule, I go into a first date assuming there won't be a kiss. My thinking is that first dates are awkward enough and it's hard to gauge a person's interest by that first meeting, so wait for the second date.

If there's a second date, then clearly there's interest. It doesn't mean I'll initiate a first kiss on every second date, just that it feels like a viable option if everything goes well.

Even then, I'm a bit hesitant because I've misread cues that I was quite confident in before. For example, I read that one cue a woman is interested in a man is that she touches him.

I went on a first date with a woman to a video game bar. We'd been talking for two weeks and immediately hit it off. Over the course of the evening she touches my hand, shoulder, and waist. Cool! She's comfortable with me!

So, we're outside smoking weed in the parking lot. Where she's standing, she's in the path of a person who is approaching between cars, so I reach for her arm to guide her forward.

She sees me reach and laughs and says "Not today," stepping backward and tripping over the curb. We're both laughing as I help her up. At the end of the date, we said goodbye and I got in my car and rolled down the window. Suddenly, she ran back up, gave me a quick peck on the lips, and said "Thanks for a fun night!"

The next day, I ask her how she felt the date went and she responded, "I had a great time. Not super stoked about the physical touch attempt lol not to say I'm not into it at a later date, just not into it on a first encounter." I was taken aback. The last thing I want to do is make someone feel uncomfortable. I apologized profusely and we moved on.

But the next day I remembered that she had touched me multiple times, which was why I didn't think anything of it at the time. So I mentioned it to her and first she said she didn't remember touching me at all> Then she said "I did feel comfortable with you, which psychologically would explain why I felt it okay to give ya a little touchy touch."

The incident really confused and unnerved me. And I wasn't even trying to kiss her! So now I'm supposed to go on dates and try to read cues that tell me whether or not she wants me to kiss her? It's nerve-wracking! And I've gotten that completely wrong so many times, it's embarrassing.

And then there are the glorious times like the first date where I kissed her and it was welcomed. Later, as I told her how I rarely kiss on a first date, she said she didn't either. But there was something about my confidence ....

Confidence .... that's a whole other ball of bullshit I need to spout off about. But let's save that for another day.

[audhdating]

Wallflower Protocol

When I separated from my wife Anna two years ago, I spent the remainder of 2022 in a listless haze. There was a rush of freedom that comes with being untethered from a partner. But I didn't have any friends and I had no idea how to attain any.

Anna moved in with her parents and I became the primary caregiver for our two children Monday through Friday. So, when I didn't have the kids, I was at a loss for what to do with myself on the weekends.

For months, I'd go to a bar that's maybe three miles from my house and absorb socialization vicariously. They also didn't mind if I smoked weed on their patio, so that's how I'd spend one of my weekend nights. Occassionally, someone would strike up a conversation, but otherwise, I was just there.

Toward the end of the year, I started going to Meet-Ups, which is a pretty fun way to participate in social events and meet people who are often just as socially awkward as you (if not moreso). And one of those Meet-Ups was karaoke at The Bar.

I enjoyed the mellow, accepting vibe of The Bar so much that I kept coming back to karaoke once a week. Over time, I grew to recognize the regulars, including one particular group of four people who seemed incredibly nice and friendly and fun. This included Kevin, whose appearance could change so drastically from week to week that it would take awhile for me to recognize her the first few times I noticed her.

When we finally spoke, I had been going to The Bar and singing for four months. I hadn't spoken to many people, except a guy named Dan who I'd have a falling out with just as Kevin and I started becoming friends. But if Dan wasn't there, I'd just hang out by myself and smoke weed on the patio between songs. And then came the day when Kevin and the others were out on the patio at the same time and were smoking weed near me, which led to us becoming gradual friends.

My approach to socialization is one of passive acceptance of whatever comes my way. Why? Because my lifelong experience with relationships is that eventually they all fall apart. And despite my desperate desire to be a good friend, I somehow manage to fuck it up consistently enough that if I am lucky, I will have one close(ish) friend and maybe a few other slightly more distant friends.

How do I fuck it up? Well, in my next post I will tell you about Dan. And it's a story I've been thinking about since it happened and there's a part where I don't understand why Dan is mad and a part where I totally do. And the part where I totally do scares me to share because I didn't handle it the best. But I am attempting to have an honest accounting of my social mistakes in this blog.

[audhdating]

being ADHD is like, you procrastinate things that are hard.

you also procrastinate things that would take five seconds.

you just straight up don't want to do things.

[audhdating]

My Escape

I'm in one of my socializing sabbaticals.

It happens whenever I experience a critical mass of rejection, which I did recently. In fact, the woman I went on this first date with just told me yesterday that the other guy she was seeing (and disclosed to me two weeks ago) wanted to be monogamous. So, not exactly rejection, but it still feels shitty to lose someone you're fond of. We're still talking as friends, but I still feel like my social batteries need to be recalled by the manufacturer.

And losing my friend Kevin over a confusing set of reasons has completely devastated me. I've been stuck in melancholy for weeks. I had finally found some semblance of social normalcy and felt increasingly confident about myself. Of course, it's always when I let my guard down that I do or say something that brings the whole thing crashing down.

Over the past month, I've been withdrawing from all of the various social groups I've been orbiting. They're local groups based in social media that have events that I've attended to a greater or lesser degree since the separation. And they were a huge help at getting me out of the house and practicing my social skills again. But recently they've just been causing me anxiety. And I've learned that's when I need to pull back.

So what does that leave for me to do with my free time when I'm not busy being a dad? Karaoke.

I'm going tonight to a bar that has kind of a bougie "Piano Man" vibe that I find endearing. I'm friends with the bartenders and it seems like there are a lot of single people (as in people coming to the bar alone, not any particular dating status), so it makes me feel slightly less awkward. And I'm a decent singer, so when I get applauded I can pretend people actually like me.

It's a win-win when I need reassurance and there's nobody there to reassure me.

[audhdating]

I've gradually come to accept that this is true. And when you start to put that into action, it's terrifying. Because if you don't have many friends in the first place, losing any is awful. So then you have to ask yourself: is it worse being tolerated or alone?

Warning: Friendship Perishable

I have been envious my entire life of people who have friends they've known since high school. It's not uncommon. My older brothers both have their respective lifelong friend groups.

As for me? I'd be happy to have A friend who was active in my life for, oh, a year? I had that up until a month ago. Now I'm back to being on my own.

I've come to accept that every relationship I establish has an expiration date. I don't know what it will be, but it's there and the relationship will start to spoil as it approaches.

Meanwhile, it seems as natural as anything for so many others to have shelf-stable relationships. I'm so jealous of people who have relationships that are the equivalent of an undented can of peaches discovered five years into a zombie apocalypse.

I've talked to my therapist and she doesn't understand why this happens. But she's also not around me as much as my friends were. So, she's inherently biased because here I am at the center of a lifelong string of rotted relationships that I cannot intellectually explain except to say that I must be absolutely unbearable.

I would give anything to be able to change whatever it is that makes me "too much." But I can never pinpoint any one thing. It just seems like everyone who comes to distance themselves from me has their reasons, but I don't think it's any one thing I can change. It's just me. I am completely insufferable and it's unlikely to change any time soon.

In the end, it just feels like my only option is to retreat into myself, to not inflict me upon anyone else, which is what I've been doing as of late. I'm reassessing everything and attempting to come to peace with this. It feels like the social equivalent of not buying produce because you know you're going to forget about it and let it rot in your fridge. It's not a great solution, but it's the only one that makes sense.

[audhdating]

Warning: Friendship Perishable

I have been envious my entire life of people who have friends they've known since high school. It's not uncommon. My older brothers both have their respective lifelong friend groups.

As for me? I'd be happy to have A friend who was active in my life for, oh, a year? I had that up until a month ago. Now I'm back to being on my own.

I've come to accept that every relationship I establish has an expiration date. I don't know what it will be, but it's there and the relationship will start to spoil as it approaches.

Meanwhile, it seems as natural as anything for so many others to have shelf-stable relationships. I'm so jealous of people who have relationships that are the equivalent of an undented can of peaches discovered five years into a zombie apocalypse.

I've talked to my therapist and she doesn't understand why this happens. But she's also not around me as much as my friends were. So, she's inherently biased because here I am at the center of a lifelong string of rotted relationships that I cannot intellectually explain except to say that I must be absolutely unbearable.

I would give anything to be able to change whatever it is that makes me "too much." But I can never pinpoint any one thing. It just seems like everyone who comes to distance themselves from me has their reasons, but I don't think it's any one thing I can change. It's just me. I am completely insufferable and it's unlikely to change any time soon.

In the end, it just feels like my only option is to retreat into myself, to not inflict me upon anyone else, which is what I've been doing as of late. I'm reassessing everything and attempting to come to peace with this. It feels like the social equivalent of not buying produce because you know you're going to forget about it and let it rot in your fridge. It's not a great solution, but it's the only one that makes sense.

[audhdating]

The First Date

Our first date was brunch and oversharing. She looked stunning in her green patterned dress as we waited for our table on a bench outisde where we talked for over an hour.

We had already been talking online for a few weeks. This was a few months after we initially started talking on Bumble for two weeks or so. She wanted to take a break from dating and I didn't expect to hear from her again.

Our recent conversations had been filled with flirting, so it came as no surprise that we used our bench time for low key cuddling. I was trying not to read too much into things, but she seemed just as keen to snuggle me as I was her. But I'd been wrong before.

Although we didn't get to cuddle during breakfast, we did have a fairly heavy conversation about past relationships and what where we're at now. Altogether, a great meal shared with a fascinating person.

Afterward, we discovered that we parked side by side. As we said our goodbyes, our eyes locked and I went in for the kiss. The last two times I'd been fairly confident in a kiss, it did not go well. But Jessica was more than receptive. We made out against her car for a few minutes, oblivious to the traffic around us.

Unfortunately, we both had obligations that afternoon and had to part ways. This past weekend we went on our second date, which went even better. I'll share more another day.

I'm not sure what this is gonna become, but it's the most promising relationship I've had in a year. She smart and funny and hot and I can't wait to see her again. That's the dream, isn't it?