awkwardshadowyspire

[awkwardshadowyspire]

I don’t know how to become the person I want to be.

I want to be that chatty person, who can start and hold a conversation with anyone. But my social anxiety always gets in the way. Unfortunately, I can’t just will myself into being that person, but I have to believe that there is a way. (Otherwise why even bother, life is meant to be what you make of it, but if I can’t make it into anything what is even the point.)

So… I’ll keep trying, keep failing, fail better. (or something)

[awkwardshadowyspire]

I’m sure I’ve heard this somewhere before, but this dude in my dream just said the most raw shit.

“Why do people say, ‘well everyone is doing it anyway,’ when justifying doing something unethical. Instead of, ‘unethical people are doing this unethical thing, because it’s unchecked.’” -frat bro looking dude in my dream…

And that was so raw and real it pulled me out of sleep (I didn’t realise it was a dream before I woke), and I’m sure that someone has said it before but I had to document it just in case.

[awkwardshadowyspire]

Sometimes I wonder if I might be ace, and then I’m reminded of a convo with my then partner and my mother. In which, I explained that I wanted to build a robot assistant that keeps track of my calendar and reminds things I normally forget… just an all in one helper (who could maybe hold a basic convo).

That is when my partner says, out loud and in front of my mother, “sounds like a wife.” And before I’m even able to process that, my mom pipes up with “I was going to say ‘sounds like a husband,’ but I agree with them.”

So yeah, where most people see a life partner in their hypothetical dream futures, I’d been picturing a tiny little pet robot…. But I’m not truly convinced I’m ace, or aro/ace, b/c I’m not fully opposed to a life partner… I think I’m just picky about who I like. 🤷‍♂️

[awkwardshadowyspire]

Maybe I’m just old, but I’m so annoyed with devices, specifically my earbuds, having a power button rather than power switch. I hate having to press and hold to turn them on and then press and hold to turn them off. I miss being able to feel if my headphones were on or off now I gotta take them off and look for some stupid little light to see if they’re off or just disconnected from my phone.

I also miss my iPod mostly because my current earbuds do not have skip or back buttons. Life was simpler back then. I just miss being able to feel my electronics and the state of them rather than rely on unreliable visuals.

[awkwardshadowyspire]

I have a creative imagination, but it’s not artsy—it’s practical. I can imagine solutions to problems, big or small, but if I try to imagine something “pretty” or “artistic,” I always fall short.

I’m making a web app, for myself, to solve a problem I experience. The backend is basically done and works exactly how I want it to, but if I want to offer it to friends/colleagues (or to the general public), it’ll need a front-end that is more than the bare bones of html.

I know the solution to the problem I have is to hire someone who is proficient in graphic design to help me design the front end, but I’m broke and stubbornly self-sufficient. However, I don’t know if it’s possible to teach me to be more artsy.