be-a-good1

[be-a-good1]

BLOG 2 - HUGGER MUGGER

It’s very challenging for me to talk about myself and even harder to talk about my feelings without tears streaming down my face.  I love hard, play hard and feel things really, really hard.  This album is my autobiography covering 2015-2016.  I struggled with depression, self-doubt, self-harm and lack of confidence.  During this time, only one thing could free me of these struggles and doubts: performing these songs on stage.  Why?  Taking songs like these that have dark meanings and turning them into jams that people can dance to felt like taking control of the feelings themselves.  It’s difficult to release something out into the world that came straight from the heart, to allow people the opportunity to peek into your soul.  But finally having this out in the open makes me feel so free and cleansed of those feelings that held me back. I am proud of the album and of the band.  I am proud of how far we have come, and I am proud of myself. Without further ado, I present to you:  my band, Hugger Mugger, and the songs that helped me become who I am today…

Listen to the album as you read along :) ...

https://open.spotify.com/artist/5WpXDDaU0CnoBGiWRfdEdL

“Harry” – My girlfriend got me into reading the Harry Potter books.  I am currently on book 4 so, no spoilers please. While I was reading the third Harry Potter book, I noticed how Harry was the only one to call Voldemort by name even though everyone else was too scared to use his real name. I envied his bravery. It resonated with me at the time, because at the beginning of my relationship I was too afraid to admit that I was indeed gay.  I was afraid because I didn’t know how people would react. I was raised in a small town in the Bible Belt and taught that homosexuality was the ultimate sin. I knew and feared that I would lose family and friends along the way.  But like I said, I envied Harry’s courage. His unwavering friendships with Ron and Hermione also gave me the hope to come out to my close friends, since unconditional friendship is a strong theme in the series.

“Alright” -  In essence, this song is about letting go.  I was more or less raised by my grandparents, and they meant the world to me.  One day, when I was in high school, I was at soccer practice after school. Suddenly, in the middle of practice, I notice my mother’s car drive up and park next to the field. I remember my mother running up to me, sobbing, only able to throw her arms around me. My father stood behind her, his eyes welling up with tears as he explained what was going on. My grandfather was the neighborhood mechanic and owned a shop nearby. One of his customers had come to pick up their car when they saw my him lying on the ground next to a car he had been working on. After he passed, I would spend a lot of time at their house with my grandmother, helping her with chores and other duties. Often, I would go to where they found his body and lay down there. I would use this time to think, to mostly wonder about his last moments and what it would feel like. My grandmother passed away two years later because of colon cancer. In the process of helping my parents sell my grandparents’ house I would go to the house, sit in the empty living room, and try my hardest to recall memories with them so that I could experience them again. After the house sold, I became obsessed with the thought that this was just a bad dream. I would drive past their house and hope to see them. I would call their phone hoping that they would pick up. Although I was not still doing this in 2015 or 2016, this song was my final acceptance. Essentially, I just needed someone to tell me that I was going to be okay. This song was my closure, it was my “you are going to be all right” to myself.

“Alone” -  This song is about that feeling you get when you crave someone.  Where you literally hang off of every word they say and pray they would never stop talking.  The person that can grab the attention of the whole room. The only person you think about.  You want to know everything about them. This song is about knowing that where ever you are or whatever you are doing, you would do anything to have them beside you.  They make any situation so much better even by just being there. When you kiss them, you can feel yourself getting lost in them, never wanting it to end.

“Some Type of Way” -  I think if you listen to the song, you will get the point. When you want to take your time on someone, show them that you are not going to just go through the motions but act out on the deepest, darkest parts of your soul and fantasies.  The type of loving that is so good that you can’t wait for them to come home to you at the end of the day.  It is about a love that runs deep through your veins.  That love that makes them call on gods when they are with you.  The love that has you feeling, literally, some type of way.  

“Spaceman” -  This song is one of the hardest songs for me.  It’s about my parent’s unwillingness to accept me.  When I came out to my mother, she did not take it very well.  I haven’t spoken to my father in over two years, and it kills me every day.  I want to have a relationship with them so badly, but they cannot and will not accept my lifestyle, and will not speak to me. I feel so alone.  I once compared this to an astronaut being sent on a solo mission.  Once I get into space, I get so far out that no one can reach me, I’ve been left alone, trying to figure this all out.  I eventually take the space given from them as a learning tool and find ways to adapt. It sucks to have been the only child, because I feel like I could have used that to my advantage when it comes to not being accepted. This song is somewhat of a cry out to my parents.  “Forget everything you know about me, I guess it’s easier sleeping knowing I was nothing”. The sad thing is I know they miss me but they will not set aside their selfish pride and religious views to even give me the time of day.  

“My Love” -  Coming out or in to any relationship makes you think about how you measure up as a person. Every relationship has its ups and downs, and sometimes baggage is hidden away in a deep, dark corner until you decide to clean house! I would drive around because I just needed to get out of my head and it helped.  I found myself driving around more than being home, mainly because I didn’t want to think about me lying to my friends about me coming out.  I was afraid of losing them.  This song is about proving to someone that you are going to give them your all…even if that someone is yourself.  “You don’t know what I’m capable of, my love.”  Once you find yourself and love yourself you are then capable of fully loving others to the fullest!  Don’t be afraid to love whoever you love!    

“Heart Attack” -  I was sitting in my room because I was so anxious.  I had a lot to do and just didn’t want to see anyone or have any social interaction with anyone.  So, instead I sat in my room and put on Spotify and heard a song called “Hospitals- By: Shiny Wet Machine.”  That song inspired me to write in a way that I normally wouldn’t write in.  I wanted to make a song about my anxiety and try to make it sound cool instead of crippling. Instead I put a quick little twist on it to make it sound like there is a person you have a crush on that is screwing with your emotions.  You want to do everything you can to be with them, but you are mistaken about how they feel about you. So instead of writing a song about me walking into any building, house, etc. and scanning the room of every potential escape route possible, I wrote a song about falling in love with someone that can’t or won’t see the love that you have for them.  

“Truth” -  I grew up in a household where dating anyone that wasn’t a white male was frowned upon.  “Truth” is about all of my repressed feelings and about coming to terms with them.  I became noticeably happier once I started accepting myself.  Some days are much harder than others because I still do want to have a relationship with my parents. When I look back and realize how unhappy I was, how far I have come, and just how much love I feel, it makes me realize that I am on the right path. Maddy reminds me to spread positivity daily, that’s what I love about her.  She inspired this song.  She was with me from day one, encouraging me to be my very best self.  The line “I can taste my soul when I’m with you, try to hold it back but my tongue can’t escape the truth” is about how when I kissed her, all bad thoughts and all self-doubt disappeared.  This is who I am, there is no way around it.  

“Intoxicating Thoughts” -  This is the first song I had ever written.  This song is about picking apart your past relationships, whether it be friends or ex-lovers.  It’s about having some sort of connection with that person, like a smell or a song to bring you back to a time and place where you were with them.  It could be a good or a bad memory.  It becomes an Intoxicating thought or, in other words, a landmine in your brain.  A seed that will not stop growing until you let it grow out of you and make the best of it.  “Intoxicating Thoughts” is about growing and changing, all the while making the best of what you have.  

“Goodnight Melody” -  My girlfriend is in college that is about 45 minutes away.  Though we are very fortunate to be able to see each other weekly, we both don’t sleep as well without the other. Most nights we facetime each other when we are going to bed, keeping each other company and being able to talk as freely as we would if we were together physically. We talk about our day, do crafts, or just fall asleep together and wake up to one of our many alarms the next morning.  One night she had fallen asleep and I could hear her celling fan in the background.  It had a nice tempo and I just wanted to serenade her (even though I had muted my end).  I remember before she went to bed she was really bummed that we wouldn’t be able to see each other that week.  The need to feel closer to her along with the steady thrum of her ceiling  fan inspired “Goodnight Melody”, a song she could fall asleep to.

[be-a-good1]

Coming Out Story

Here I am, 27 years old and I was the absolute last person to find out I was gay. This blog is mainly a mind dump for me and hopefully becomes a sounding board for others who may be going through this too.  So, here we go... 

These things are always hard to start off, so I’ll start with the memory of elementary school.  I remember clearly having the resilience of a child, falling and scraping my knees.  If we do it now it’s the WORST, but back then, the scrapes were just a part of growing up.  Everything was just okay when we were swinging on the swing sets, playing basketball, soccer, or tag. No one really had a label in elementary school (at least none that I can remember). Thinking back, some of my best friends were boys.  Mainly because I loved sports, not to mention literally every time a girl screamed because a basketball or soccer ball whizzed by their face, I just wanted to smack them. Things started to change when I got into 3rd or 4th grade.  Girls in my school started talking about kissing boys, and that interested me.  I wanted to try it out, so me and a few of my friends thought, “Why don’t we practice kissing on each other that way when the time comes to kiss a boy we will be prepared?” I remember one friend and I would kiss just to kiss when we were by ourselves.  To me, this was innocent fun. I felt like I was on top of the world, and I honestly really enjoyed making out with my friends.  

In 4th grade, I remember talking to a boy. We were kind of seeing each other at the time, mainly communicating through notes passed secretly during class time. One day, a note with “Do you like me, check yes or no” fell on to my desk. I got ballsy and sent a note back with, “will you kiss me and I'll let you know...” written on it. I remember feeling super nervous and excited about this transaction.  He said yes, and days were spent concocting a plan to meet on the field during recess. Teachers at the time were extremely watchful of guys and girls together on the playground, so we had to be extremely careful. I was so nervous, and had convinced myself that if kissing girls gave me a ton of butterflies in my stomach, that kissing boys was going to rock my world. The time finally came when we got our chance to kiss.  We had our friends poised as lookouts for teachers or other kids that would mess up our fragile plan. He leaned in, and my lips touched his. Everything that I had built up in my head just shattered.  I felt absolutely nothing.  Actually, I felt cheated.  It was nothing against him, he was a very sweet boy. It just did not even compare to the way it felt to kiss my friends.

During 5th grade, I remember talking to my mom about girls. I was very careful not to reveal my attraction to them (see as how I would be severely punished if she found out), but I would comment on how other girls were pretty. As soon as I said anything, my mother would tell me that it was okay to acknowledge the beauty of another woman but that was the line. She made it clear that OUR family will not have a homosexual in it, and I was told that I wasn’t allowed to live that lifestyle.  Being gay and bringing someone of color home were equal acts of transgression in my parent’s household. My mother and father raised me in a very Southern Baptistä household.  The Pastor of the church that we attended was my father's best friend throughout High School.  It's funny looking back at that friendship because I had always heard about my father’s wild past deeds. I would try to get out of going to this church because I felt like the teachings were ancient, and if God loved everyone, why is it not okay for me to like who I wanted to like? My parents would tell me that being gay was wrong, that it was a horrible sin. I was told that I would go to hell if I even kissed the same sex or had feelings for the same sex. I was also told that one of two things would happen if I told him I like girls. 1: They would beat me until I realized that it was wrong, or 2: My dad would go to prison because he would kill me. Obviously, that instilled a sense of fear in me that has lasted many years. I cut ties with all of my friends and denied sleepover invitations.  I tried to get away from it all. Being an only child put a lot of pressure on me to absolutely avoid anything that could make my parents disappointed in me.

6th grade began and all of my “best friends” from elementary school were now scattered around in different friend groups.  What we used to do is kept a careful secret because we were in middle school now, and everybody was fearfully avoiding getting labeled. While in 6th grade, I remember meeting this one girl.  We became best friends after hanging out all summer long. She had a pool, and would always invite a bunch of friends over to swim. After swimming in the pool, we would all end up stripping off our wet suits and shower the chlorine off together. One day, I leaned in and kissed her while we were hanging out. She was taken aback, but ended up kissing me back. The next week, she told me her parents were moving to Florida, and of course she was going with them.  Her parents told her to exchange emails with me to keep in touch, but we never did. I felt like that was a sign for me, that God was punishing me. I couldn’t talk about this with my parents, however, because I feared how they would react. So instead of acting on this opportunity, I swept it under the rug and pretended like it never happened.

           In 7th grade, I had my first ‘real’ boyfriend.  My mom was a school bus driver and he was on her route. We lived deep in the country, and I would ride to and from school with her because no school busses went as far out as we lived. I remember holding hands in the back of the bus, meeting up behind the stage in the gym and making out during lunch.  It was fun to pass the time, but I honestly felt nothing by it. I knew this is what he wanted, and I just liked the company. We were broken up by the end of the eighth grade.

           High school was the worst, especially in a Podunk town where everyone seems to be aware of what you do even before you do. You cannot do anything without your parents getting a call from another adult so that, by the time you got home, a sufficient punishment was already laid out for you.

I think high school marked my worst era of depression.  My hatred for myself and where I lived caused me to think about ending my life several times throughout the course of high school. I started cutting, only scratches at first. Then, I realized the pain was something I could control, and it went on that way. I met my best friend because of this, but still felt like I had to hide my past from her because I didn’t want her to think I was hitting on her. I just wanted and needed a friend.  She was the exact opposite from me, preppy and popular, and exactly the type of girl I hated earlier in my life. However, if I hadn’t had her friendship, I don’t think I would have made it out of high school.

I think one of the hardest times I had was when I lost my grandfather (I call him Papa) on my mother’s side. I remember spending all of my time at his house on the weekends when I was growing up. I thought Papa and Nanny were the cutest.  He was the hometown mechanic and she was a volunteer at the local hospital.  She would always take me shopping, except unlike my parents, she would tell me to get whatever I felt comfortable in. Usually, this meant jeans and t-shirts instead of the frilly dresses that my mom and dad favored. Occasionally, my Nanny would buy me dresses for holidays to keep my parents happy. I definitely did not have a say when it came to what I wore for family photos.

One day, Papa took me out to buy an Easter dress to wear to the upcoming Easter service. Nanny was busy at the hospital that day, and my parents had to work. I found this awesome Adidas track suit in the department store that I fell in love with immediately. Papa bought it for me, along with some jeans and sneakers for me to wear. HE dropped me off at home later, no dress to show for the day of shopping we did. He was promptly chewed out by both of my parents. His response sticks with me to this day, “Let her wear what she wants to, if I had gotten her a dress she would have wore it for an hour and we’d never see it again.” This was very true, as over the years I came up with many creative ways to make my dress clothes magically disappear. This day will always be one of my favorite memories of him.

When I found out he had passed, I wanted to so very much go with him. He died outside while he was working on a car, from what seemed to be a heart attack. After it happened, Nanny couldn’t bring herself to stay at the house for a little while, so I was given the task of dropping by their house and grabbing whatever she needed.  I would get there and lay down where they found him.  I just wanted to know what happened. How did he feel before? Did he know he was dying? Was he in pain? Did he think about us?  Why did God do this, why did he take him away? How high up in the sky is heaven?  Is it even there? I would lay there, angry, thinking about how nothing else mattered. The one man who stood up for me is gone.  If he were here today, I am sure he would have accepted me and loved me unconditionally.  He may not have agreed with it, but I know he wouldn’t be punishing me for being myself.  

Fast forward to my freshman year of college. I was finally getting a grip on the semester when I got a call that my Nanny was being rushed to the hospital. Within two days we found out that she had colon cancer, and they told us she had two months to live.  Those two months ended up being two weeks, and that caused me to lose the last bit of me that I had a grip on.  I lost hope within myself and trusted no one. One day, while laying where they found my Pops, I promised him that I would take care of her. I felt like I failed him even though I knew wasn’t my fault.  Nanny had grown more and more on me. After Pops died, I made sure her car was washed, lawn was cut and helped around the house.  I felt like I was needed and appreciated. Now, nothing felt real to me anymore and the only thing that felt right was depression. I felt bad for my mother, who I vividly remember yelling “I’m an orphan” after Nanny passed.  I was mad at the nurses, the doctors, I blamed everyone including myself for our loss, and I felt so very alone.

The rest of college was semi okay for my mental health.  I moved out from my parent’s house and got an apartment near campus.  I started working at this little seafood restaurant near my apartment.  My father told me that he would pay for my apartment if I wanted to quit work and focus on school more.  I didn’t want to, I wanted to focus on being self-sufficient, but school became too much for me, so I accepted his offer. After a year of still being under his thumb, I began to feel more and more repressed around my parents. The fact that I depended on them made me feel worse.  

College really opened my eyes.  Even though I was in a very small technical college, the professors were very liberal and very open about it.  It was different to go from a high school where every teacher was a devout Republican and where every student knew you to a school full of people that did not get in your way or in your business.  I think it was a kind of a mutual understanding that we were all there to do our time and get out into the “real world”.  During college, I found an outlet in music, and I met a guy whom I ended up dating for over eight years. Looking back at it now, I laugh because I never really knew how gay I truly was.  Him and I started a band that traveled to SXSW and went on 3 successful month-long tours that traversed the United States.  I grew a lot with him and a lot more without him. I regret nothing when it comes to being in that relationship because if I didn’t go through that, I wouldn’t be where I am today: happy and so, so healthy.

I started waitressing at a local pizza joint to save up some money for tours and biIls. I’m not going to lie, was depressed.  I felt like I wasn’t me, like the skin I was in just wasn’t made out for me. I remember wanting to end it all.  Every relationship I was in with friends, family and myself, felt fake.  Everything felt like a movie that I was watching and not able to live out myself. Anxiety was bad because that was the time I felt the most in my skin and that alone is never healthy.  I was self-sufficient, nice new car, was touring the country and playing music.  But for some reason I was missing something, myself.  Something changed though, I met her.  

At the time, I was smoking cigarettes occasionally to just stop the stress.  For some reason that took away the pain for me. It was a stressful Friday night at work (Fridays are our busiest days) and I needed to vent to someone, anyone. So, I took a smoke break and Maddy (who also only smoked occasionally) joined me. While we were chatting outside and sharing a cigarette, I felt something.  She listened, she looked me in my eyes when I spoke and she had the best advice. I enjoyed talking with her. She gave me butterflies, and when she spoke it was the sweetest voice I’d ever heard.

At the time, the guy I was with had his own company that wasn’t self-sufficient and I was pretty much the cash cow. I remember bailing him out on a lot of our bills that should have been 50/50.  The band ended up breaking up, that was what hurt the most.  I couldn’t express myself and let go on stage anymore like I needed to. That was my release instead of self-harm. I didn’t want to believe I was being used but she saw it and brought it to light.  We eventually cut it off, he moved out.  I wish him nothing but good and I hope he finds happiness.

A few days later, she invited me to grab coffee at a small coffee shop.  I was sweaty-palms, knee-shaking nervous. Just sitting at the table with our coffee I could feel the tension between us. I invited her back to my place to hang out, and she accepted.  Back at my house we sat on the couch both on separate ends. I was dying to be close to her, every glance she flashed at me made my stomach tie in knots.  After a more nervous hug goodbye, I watched her leave and went upstairs and sat in my closet (the irony, right).  My closet was my safe space, the clothes inside made the room semi sound proof, in a way that made my head feel fuzzy and stopped my thoughts long enough for me to relax. One night I had a few drinks in me and decided to send her a Snapchat.  I told her how she made me feel, I told her she was gorgeous and I really, really liked her. After pressing send, I turned my phone off and back on so many times.  I talked myself into it being okay.  Finally, I saw where she was responding back to me.  I broke out in a cold sweat and I wanted to throw up.  The message popped back up saying she felt the same about me.  If ever there was a fire inside of me, it was now. I wanted nothing but to make her happy.  

The following days we sent risky texts back and forth, learning more about each other as best as we could.  I was so happy learning everything about her. She was the most beautiful creature and so unique, and the more I learned about her, the more I fell for her.

After Several more house dates of watching TV, our pinkies touched and we intertwined them. Instantly, I was in a cold sweat again, my stomach erupting into millions of butterflies.

The first time she kissed me I kicked her out. I was such a fool.  I had something so perfect in front of me and all I could think about was pleasing other people, instead of being happy.  In my heart, she was the one I wanted but in my head my parent’s words resonated in my head.  Then I thought about it, once I kicked her out she could have easily left and never spoken to me again.  But, for some reason she understood me and what was going on in my head and she broke me down slowly.  The next time she kissed me, I said “Gross”. I was mortified that I had said that. Of course, it didn’t phase her.  The more she came over the more comfortable we got with each other.  It went from casual downstairs pecks between scenes in movies to upstairs with the doors closed and music blasting.  I can 100% tell you that when she kissed me there was no doubt in my mind anymore. I finally felt like I was in my own skin.

Once I asked her to be my girlfriend she didn’t answer me.  She got quiet, and normally I would have just left because I don’t take rejection too well. But she was different, I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to prove to her I could be everything that she wanted.  I asked if she would like for me to leave, and she declined and then finally, FINALLY said she would be mine. The more we saw each other the more open we became.  We both were some pretty toxic people at the beginning, but we worked on bettering ourselves every day for each other. She has a past and that really got to me and occasionally still does but we are both two entirely new people because we work on supporting each other and loving each other every day.

Dating a woman was all new to me. Everything seemed so easy, I never had to explain why I felt the way I did.  She knew it was just a small obstacle I had to get over and she was there to help me if I fall.  When the time of the month came around, she would show up and sit with me as I lay in the tub with the shower going till I felt better.  If something was bothering me she would fight the demons with me till I was able to get my feet back on the ground.

I am happy.  For once I felt like I was in my own skin.  On top of it all, I couldn’t have a better group of friends to accept us so quickly.  They didn’t skip a beat and they love us unconditionally. My parents were a different story.

Throughout all of this I really wanted my parents on board with my new relationship.  It’s not going to come easy but I do have to say, it does get better. I really wanted to talk to my mother face to face but It would have been super hard to do that without my father being there. If I would have spoken to her over the phone, one of two things would have happened.  I would have either chickened out or she would have hung up on me and would not let me speak.   The best way I could have done it would be send her a message. Those were the longest 2 hours of my life.  The first hour of her receiving it, the small typing bubbles popping up ... then going away for the next hour. It needed to be done, though. It felt right, it felt good getting it off my chest.

“Mom, I’m gay.”  

Mom hasn’t been the same since.  Both of my parents were very supportive of me until I “betrayed” them with this lifestyle. As long as I was living “the way God intended”, I could do no wrong in their eyes. I haven’t spoken to my father for close to a year now.  Every time I try to speak to my mother I hear him in the background saying “brainwashed” or calling me a “faggot”. The don’t seem to care that I am happy and healthy. To top this all off, I am the only child.  This past year I was told that I wasn’t allowed to come to any holiday functions.  I missed Thanksgiving with my family, and when Christmas came around, I received a call from my mother, her crying and saying that she wanted to see me. I told her that I could see her and would love to.  She turned down my offer, saying she doesn’t want to see me “like this” and that once I change and “find God” she would welcome me back into her life.

Along with the phone calls from my mother saying I that I have “abandoned her” or that I am “killing her”, I’ve received a Bible, old photos, opened mail addressed to me and personal items from my childhood.  All of this was mailed to me because she does not want to meet up or be near me.  I’ve spent countless hours trying to reach out to her, but instead of an actual conversation, I get her crying over the phone that eventually turns to screams of her telling me how much I’ve betrayed her.  Out of all of this, one line hurt me particularly bad: “I don’t want you to be like this. I don’t wish you were dead, I just wish you never were born.  This isn’t you.  I want my daughter back” It cut me deep, and if I were the person I was earlier, I probably would have killed myself. I’m glad I didn’t come out to them in high school, or I know I would have been kicked out of my house or worse.

Coming out at 26 has been the best year of my life.  At times, I used to look in the mirror and not recognize who I was seeing. Sometimes I would repeat my name to myself because I would be so dissociated that I would think it was crazy that my name was Cassie.

I would say I have some of the best friends ever.  I went from a severely unhappy relationship to the happiest I think I could ever be.  When I came out to them, the reaction I received was either “Are you happy?” or “It’s about time!”  (thanks for not letting me know guys). The best part is, they love Maddy to death.  Friends can be your best family.  If I have learned anything in this journey it’s this, life can and will fuck you over.  Friends will come and go.  Family can sometimes be your biggest support system or your worst enemy.  But, if you can survive the battle of finding yourself and being truly happy with who you are, you will be unstoppable.  Your true friends will always be by your side and support you unconditionally.  Friends are Family and if you are going through this and you feel alone, I’ll be your friend.  I’ll be your family.  Things will get better, I promise.  

If ever you’ve found your soulmate, you know.  Everything stops in the world when you are with them.  Nothing else matter other than the time you are with them.  Everything that they do is just a work of art.  This girl knows me inside and out. She knows exactly how to make me happy in every single aspect and she does it daily.  As I sit here writing this blog, she’s in my bed taking small naps between her school work, and I realize how lucky I am.  She supports me to the fullest, wants to see me succeed, but also takes no shit from me.  She will tell me how it is in a heartbeat.  I hope I can provide for her and give her the queen lifestyle she deserves.  She is always front row when my band has a show.  She is the first person I call when something good or bad happens.  She makes me feel so good about myself.  More importantly she makes me feel like dreams are a reality.  She will not rest until I am happy.  I don’t know where I would be if she didn’t come into my life, but I am so happy she did.

How can a love like this, someone who builds you up, picks you up when you fall and makes you the happiest and healthiest person you’ve ever been, be hated by the people who raised you?  How can the people that said while you were in the womb “I don’t care what it is, as long as they are healthy” be so caught up with a line I will never stop hearing, “it’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve”? I will have to admit that growing up under my parent’s law, really made me who I am today. I do not by any means want to call them out on all their wrong doings.  It’s simply an old school generation thing with how they were brought up.  Is it acceptable? No, and it’s not an excuse.  I will have to say despite all that I have said about them in this blog, they use to be very supportive of me on the things that they deemed healthy for me.  They gave me everything I needed growing up, they worked hard to keep food in my belly and the lights on in the house.  For that I would like to thank them for working overtime for me to go on school trips, summer vacations, paying for school lunches, rent, car payments, etc. Thank you for providing for me when I was unable to provide for myself.  They loved me and supported me to the fullest when they could live vicariously through me. That being said, taking care of a child’s immediate needs is only half the job. Loving them and caring for them unconditionally is the second half, and in my opinion, the most important half.

Thank you all for taking the time to read this novel.  I hope it helps someone out there.  Just know that you are perfect the way that you are.  Love is love.  If you find someone and that rocks your world, makes you the happiest you ever thought you could be, and brings out the best in you, that love is between you and them. You are the person that lives your life, no one else can live it for you.

Go out and be happy.    

-Po-z