beautifulbitterfruit

[beautifulbitterfruit]

word.

V.E. Schwab, The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue

[beautifulbitterfruit]

This is really hard.

So here I am, 28 years old, and living abroad in Australia, and I am struggling. I am struggling so hard that the perfect place to vent felt like my old tumblr account where I would turn in my teens and early twenties when everything felt this hard. I have been gone for just over 2 months, and I have done this thing before. I moved to New Zealand alone at 21 years old for a YEAR! But I'm here with my partner, we did 6 weeks backpacking New Zealand, and then came to Australia and welp....the past 2 weeks have been some of my hardest to date, and I feel like such a failure for not handling it well at all. I have this impression that I should just be good at this, I should be excited, this is what I wanted wasn't it? Other people have figured it out and thrived right? So what is wrong with me. Why am I having such a tough go of it right now. My partner and I have had a plan and had to pivot from that plan half a dozen times already, and just as I feel like we're getting all the puzzle pieces in place, it either seems like we wont be able to get that last piece OR another problem opens up to solve just as one gets solved. It feels relentless and I am a blazing ball of anxiety. I am out of my comfort zone and I am not adapting well. I miss home, I am scared, well and truly scared, in some regards for what is to come and in others for my safety. The place we are in now worries me, and I am running every possible outcome of what could go wrong, and what the worst case scenario might be. I am calling home often, which feels like such a childish thing to do. I am nearly 30 but I need to call my dad, and brother and mom and talk to them because I feel like I just don't know.

This is hard. This might get harder, and it might get easier. Things might work out or we'll just have to keep pivoting and pivoting and possibly pivot on home. It's hard to say what is to come, and uncertainly is not longer my friend, it scares me real bad.

This is really hard, and it's okay to admit that.

[beautifulbitterfruit]

Therapy

you don’t need to use those defences anymore, 

you are in a safe space now. 

you don’t need to use those defences anymore, 

you are in a safe relationship. 

you are not going to be misunderstood or judged immediately,

he is not going to blame you, 

he listens to you, 

he care about you, 

he supports you, 

you are in a safe space now. 

[beautifulbitterfruit]

shedding

I think I am finally shedding, 

this protective skin, 

and I am letting it leave, 

releasing it, 

you’ve been in my head and my heart for way too long, 

it’s time, 

to clean out the pain, 

the hurt, the rejection, 

that I buried in order to keep myself together, 

while I was still drowning, it was all too heavy 

and I had to just let it sink, 

not that I’m above the surface, 

now that I can breathe steadily again, 

I clean it all out of the waters, 

I can clear the ocean floor of you, 

now that my body is relaxing out of survival mode, 

now, 

it’s time for you to leave. 

goodbye. 

[beautifulbitterfruit]

heartbreak feels like drowning

to be fearful, to be guarded 

tentative or traumatized-

to cling to the ladder in the pool terrified to let go, 

terrified of what is under the water, 

of what you can’t see.

if I cling to the ladder, 

then I am posed for an escape, 

and perhaps I’ll even be able to, 

if I’m quick enough, aware enough. 

if I can be certain that beneath the surface, 

nothing is lurking, 

waiting to grab my leg and drag me under, 

and hold me there,

until all the air in my lungs begins to slowly dissipate, 

until I run out of air, 

until I drown.

escaping death even once puts you on edge, tells you that you need to be careful, you won’t get so lucky next time

escaping death 3 times, 

escaping death by drowning, 

by something grabbing my leg, 

pulling me under, 

and not letting go--

until I am coughing, 

sputtering, 

gasping for air, 

shaking from shock.

Three

Times

so your hands grip that pool ladder with everything they’ve got

because we have no idea whats below the surface, 

you never know, 

and I can’t cheat death a fourth time, 

I can’t escape it again,

my luck is up, 

the pattern in clear, 

stay vigilant 

or drown. 

[beautifulbitterfruit]

ablaze.

Well he doesn’t set me on fire the way you did, 

but I figure that’s a good thing. 

Memories of you are triggered often, 

when I look down at myself, 

and notice the burn scars. 

The heat that radiated was intense, 

as was the pain. 

Being engulfed in the flames, 

leaves you burnt and scared

Being able to stand next to the fire, 

to gaze at its beautiful glow, 

or feel it’s warmth, 

to be able to enjoy the flames, 

to notice the flicker, 

to get lost in the continuous dance, 

over and over and over again. 

That is how a fire is supposed to be. 

That is how a love is supposed to be. 

[beautifulbitterfruit]

At least I am consistant

so here I am, unable to sleep, again 

and I am illuminated only by the glow of my laptop screen.

I think poetry flows faster at night, 

while most of this place has quieted down, 

I can finally hear myself feel. 

and I feel numb 

and I cant explain why 

Nothing is going particularly bad, 

even though and i waiting for it 

I guess what’s consistent isn’t late night writing-

I guess it’s just my inability to decipher my own mind. 

[beautifulbitterfruit]

The Light We Left On.

The light we left on,

for one another. 

like a warm hug to come home to,

as if to say ‘I wanted to welcome you home, I love you’

[beautifulbitterfruit]

him

How he drinks water all at once, 

how he slowly opens the door to greet me, 

when he wake me up with a cup of coffee in hand, 

how quickly he moves through a crossword, 

how he kisses the back of my head if I’m turned away, 

his shoulders poking out of the blankets when he sleeps, 

his strikingly loud burps, 

his gentle casual cadence, 

his butt. 

The way he looks at me when I am explaining something, 

when he wears my favourite cologne or pants or shirt just for me, 

his constant support, 

this freckled arms,

yet crystal clear complexion, 

his striking copper hair and beard, 

how he always lets me finish my thought,

and think things through, 

I like that he walks places, 

prefers it, 

that he knows how to drive a manual car, 

reads feverishly, 

cooks with me,  

loves me.

I love him. 

[beautifulbitterfruit]

okay.

I keep my butts in an empty prescription pill bottle, 

a big one, 

one that once held Lithium, 

these pink pills that I take daily, 

in order to not want to kill myself, 

smoking my pre-rolled joint, 

one a night, 

ten in a pack, 

it helps me sleep.

it’s not much, 

just 2 pills, 

and, 

a pre-rolled joint, 

to feel okay 

but what am I supposed to do with okay? 

what good is that?

[beautifulbitterfruit]

[beautifulbitterfruit]

a follow up

- His laugh, and sense of humour 

- His adaptability, and understanding 

- His thirst for knowledge and understanding 

- His readiness for new things, adventures 

- His support, care, thoughtfulness, empathy

- His intelligence, ability to see all sides 

- His communication 

- His cheek bones, smile, hair, shoulders, chest, chest hair, freckles, butt, back, legs 

- His attentiveness and ability to listen 

- His wholeness, perseverance

- His capability

I love him. So why am I scared? 

[beautifulbitterfruit]

Uncharted.

I turn 27 this year. I understand that this, in actuality is not that old, but it feels old. At 27 I find myself in a healthy, safe, and secure relationship. I find myself crossing this threshold that I have come so close to, so many times before, but this time it wasn’t yanked away from me. This time, it wasn’t doomed from the start, this time there was no expiry date hanging in the air. I finally celebrated a one year anniversary and that should be a momentus occasion, one filled with love and happiness, and while I feel those things I also find myself petrified, and anxious, and just questioning everything. I feel pressure, I feel this immense amount of pressure for no reason, for this to not fail, for this to continue to be as great as it was this past year. Nothing changed, I can think of a million reasons why I love him, why this year has been so amazing with him, why worrying doesn’t do either of us any good. But, I cannot help but to think: What does one year mean? Why am I so scared? What even am I scared of? Why can’t I just go with the flow and be happy? Why am I ruining my peace of mind? Why must I ruin everything? Why do I feel this pressure?! 

[beautifulbitterfruit]

Hey you.

Hey you, 

yes you, 

always thinking, 

always talking, 

always analyzing, 

always trying, 

stop. 

I am proud of you, 

I love you, 

you have made it through so much, 

you know how far you have come, 

how far you have gone, traveled, seen. 

you have taken growth in a stride, 

you have sought it out, 

you delight in the ability to observe and experience, 

to start again, and again, and again, 

to stick by something as though an oath binds you, 

you’ve stuck by people you should have let leave, 

but that’s because you believe in the good, 

in the truth, 

and the history, 

and that is not bad, 

that is not a fault, 

it is just a trait you need to protect, 

something you need to guard from those who may take advantage of your forgiving ways. 

you are bright, 

and inquisitive, 

an adventurer, 

a lover, 

you have always been emotional, 

to your very core, 

a deep well of love, and care, and respect, and admiration, 

you are supportive and kind 

years ago you decided these were signs of weakness, 

so you hid them, 

but those closest to you always knew. 

You love strongly, 

and you feel strongly too, 

for those you know, knew, of never met 

you have carried yourself so far in life, 

you have single handedly kept yourself alive, and aware, 

you have knowledge and skills for survival in both the outdoors and the dark recesses of you mind. 

you are resilient, and strong, 

you are hardened by life (but only on the outside), 

you remain soft, and childlike, and open within. 

you are amazing, and I am so proud of you. 

you deserve the world, 

you can accept good things, 

you do not need to earn your way through life, 

some things will come to you without you having to fight, 

and you can trust these things, 

keep your wits about you, keep your logic at hand, 

just know that you can trust these things, 

what is meant to stay will stay, without much effort, 

and if things disappear or leave, 

you will be okay. 

you are wonderful, 

you are beautiful, in your soul, 

you are an intentionally good person, 

you mean well, and you expect a lot from yourself. 

go easy on you, because you have done amazing things, 

you are tough, but you don’t always have to be,

I love you,

and I am so proud. 

[beautifulbitterfruit]

Without pain, How could we know joy?

John Green (via thoughtkick)

[beautifulbitterfruit]

pinch me

do i really get to be happy? 

this time

are you sure? 

do i really get to put down this heavy pack,

for a moment, 

and sit down, 

take a breath, 

when you take my hand it feels natural, 

in a way I have never felt before, 

breathing you in, 

kissing you, 

hugging you, 

sleeping next to you, 

it all feels --

like a sunset that never actual sets, 

the expected darkness never overwhelms the sky 

and consumes my world, 

when I am with you. 

I catch my self in anticipation, 

waiting for the shift, 

waiting for crushing black, 

but my pack is still down, 

and with it off I can stand up straight again, 

I can catch my breath 

fully 

completely

when you pull me in, 

sometimes I can’t tell where you start and I end, 

I’m enveloped in the warm glow of the setting sun, 

always 

and with a deep breath, 

and a gorgeous view, 

I think I’m starting to think, 

that I get to be happy this time, 

someone pinch me.

actually, don’t. 

[beautifulbitterfruit]

Steeped in Nostalgia

why does it feel as though

the last 20 years will always weigh heavier on my life, 

then the years I am living, 

why does the present feel less real? 

is it because I gave so much of myself to every person,

and place,

and experience, 

I came close to? 

was I unable to separate myself from my surroundings? 

at 26, 

nothing shocks me,

I trust so little, 

even when I want to trust, 

even when I want to fully and completely submit, 

submerge myself, 

I cannot. 

I’ve lived years reliving the past, 

steeping solely in nostalgia, 

both past pain and joy, 

reliving it again,

and again, 

daily.

And then I stopped, 

I stopped reliving it, 

but I also stopped connecting with things the way I used to, 

to break the cycle, 

I try not to map anymore, 

not to bank, and keep memories under a microscope, 

but now I feel that I have placed a protective piece of glass between myself, 

and ALL else. 

No I am not living in nostalgia, 

but I am living a fleeting reality, 

tethered to nothing, 

and I need to find the balance. 

My past doesn’t own me, 

friends and lovers who broke my heart don’t dictate my future, 

they are not a promise of what is to come next, 

just because I’ve studied the failings that have happened in my life,

by such a degree that I know it better than my own face, 

doesn’t mean that I know what the future holds, 

I want to believe in a life where what has passed you is gone, 

and what is to come in new and exciting, 

I want to be excited,

and not fearful, 

I want to trust. 

I want to trust. 

I want to trust enough to be loved, 

and to love back, 

because I am 26 and my track record has shown me that everyone who tells me they will always be there will leave, and they won’t just leave, they’ll scar me something wicked along the way. 

I want to not know that pain, 

so I can be open to new love, 

but I am not sure how to heal, 

how do I move on?

how do I not spend the rest of my life protecting myself, 

by not letting people in?

let me trust. 

I was once steeped in nostalgia, 

now I am stripped of the warmth of trust, 

I just want this heart to feel true love, 

without the anxiety or getting cut apart again.