beckq47 - Tumblr blog

[beckq47]

"I don't want to read this" is totally valid.

"This is disgusting to me" is totally valid.

"I don't want to read this because it is disgusting to me" is totally valid.

"I don't think anyone should be allowed to read or write this because it is disgusting to me" is authoritarian.

[beckq47]

So when I was a kid, I didn't understand how I was *good* at school but I didn't like school

It's because all my favorite classes weren't taught as often as the rest. Math, English, History, Science... I'm sorry to say, these classes did bore me to tears. History only ever ONCE had an interesting and passionate enough teacher to capture my interest. English, which I majored in, focused on texts that I could not really relate to as a person (except The Awakening which everyone hated of course). And when they did "discussion," it wasn't intellectual or philosophical. It was thematic, but the theme our teacher told us. It was structural, but on "structure" that had already been decided by the teacher. When we did have intellectual discussion, it was in the form of essays and book reports that were laborious to write and even more dryly "shared with the class."

WHERE DID SOCIAL STUDIES GO????? I LOVED THAT CLASS!!!!! You know why? Because it was contextualized in the human experience instead of some far-removed subject matter taught in such a general way that I didn't even pay attention...

Same for art class, theater, and creative writing classes. Oh right... I'm a tactile learner.

It was because most classes are not taught interactively, which I so desperately need.

[beckq47]

I firmly do not believe in destiny.

Like, there are 8 billion humans on earth right now, and you want to tell me I only I have one perfect match? Bullsh*t.

Out of every single career type in the whole world, this one will be perfect for me forever? Nu uh.

This is the exact person I was supposed to be, since birth? STFU.

Even in my favorite media, I don't hold the whole "they were destined to be together" too close. Like, I'll get into it, but I'm also a multi-shipper. They all have the capacity to be awesome together. Every minor change affects that.

In my own life, in the eventuality of actually dating, I still don't think I'll be into "destiny". I know I could be in an amazing relationship with plenty of people. Both of us (or all of us, I'm not picky) make choices that solidify the relationship.

Now, I can see that in the moment, I may be so in love that it'll feel like nothing else will be better (and I would be a total simp, that's just a fact). But good and bad aren't a 1-10 scale. Something else might not be "better", but still on the same level of good.

So while I continue to read and watch my favorite media over and over again, I'll always keep in my head that maybe they could do "better", but it doesn't matter because where they are now.

Now, it's the same with careers/life's work/etc. I am constantly changing as a person, every single day. There's no way one specific thing is my destiny to do forever. Plus, each thing I've done or every thing that's happened to me changes something. Like, if I wasn't neurodivergent and queer, I'd probably be some cultist housewife that only sees missionary(s). Thank everything that didn't happen.

I'm currently in a college/career meltdown, with no idea how I'll get out of it. But, say COVID didn't happen, I'd probably be in my original career, already working professionally. I'm tangent-ing. Destiny implies not only the "everything happens for a reason" trash, but also that time can't change, which is also trash.

AND lastly, there is no f-ing way this is exactly who I'm supposed to be right now. Like, seriously, this dumpster fire had no other options? I'm pretty damn happy, but the thought of a linear path in my life makes me want to hurl. Do not even try to give me those lines.

In conclusion (bleh), anyone who quotes "destiny" at me will be getting a verbal sucker punch. My current one is threatening with stabbing, though that is reserved for those I care about. Everyone gets pushed down the stairs.

[beckq47]

People give me really weird looks when I tell them I finally lost count of how many times my siblings have said the actual words I love you to me. I know they love me when they tell me to f- off, but it just feels different.

I get even weirder looks when I tell them I haven't said I love you to my parents in at least a decade, and the kids have no memory of saying it either. We don't hate them, but we don't and can't love them.

I used to be very choosy with who I said I love you to. Now, there are only a few exceptions, and they know who they are. And they know I will hold it over their heads for the rest of their lives that I used to have to pick and choose when I said I love you, because I didn't love them.

[beckq47]

Menaces to society

[beckq47]

Elvie as a child

[beckq47]

The baby chicks my aunt didn't tell me we were having

[beckq47]

I'm going to tell my therapist instead of journaling, I just post stuff on Tumblr. I will add to this list and post as I please.

I need someone to write a story about a couple that start getting really close after a few months and decide to share Tumblrs and either realize they have each other blocked, or they are enemies turned lovers over freaking Tumblr.

How do people keep schedules. Like seriously, I've put so much effort into keeping the damn thing, that I break it.

[beckq47]

Elvie's first time at Sonic