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30 day challenge

Matt Cutts TED video of '30 day challenge' has caught my attention recently.

As a result, I'm going to try and read something at least for an hour every day.  That's my challenge for the month of February.

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Recovery

It's important to take break from the routine. But it's equally important to get in and out of the 'break' moment as quickly as possible.

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Vacation, new year and routine

Came back last week from a 3-week trip to India.  About 2 weeks of those was the vacation time.  It was a good time off overall, although I became sick after a short trip to Sindhudurg, and ended up wasting 3-4 crucial weekdays and losing all the momentum.  Not good :(

Anyway, towards end of the vacation and near 31st Dec, I started a recap of year 2012 (in another post).  It also occurred to me that a longish vacation disrupts the routine, and hence it gives a unique opportunity to re-examine each and every bit from the old routine and tweak it as necessary while settling back into the routine.  

I've often felt like being stuck in the loop of routine, and being a slave to the routine.  Thus this is an excellent opportunity to get into a better routine.  I can probably start out by listing the areas I want to focus on, ordered by their priority, and make a conscious effort to strike a balance among them all.

Some interesting thoughts came up during phone conversation with SMD, which happen to be on similar lines:  the resources (time, focus, money etc.) get divided into areas of our interest (think in terms of a pie chart).  It cam become a struggle if one tries hard to advance on each and every front.  Instead, it might be a good idea to consciously maintain status quo on some fronts, and diverting the extra cycles to achieve more ambitious goals on other areas.

Another thought, perhaps somewhat tangential here, was that of the progress on a task relative to the efforts taken.  He mentioned that one should give enough time to certain tasks before any results are tangible.  That's just the patience.  While taking the efforts, it might feel that we are getting nowhere due to notions of traffic or upstream.  It might be hard to notice the traffic or direction of stream if we are too engrossed in the efforts.  One idea could be to zoom out only slightly once in a while to check the overall direction of efforts is the intended one, instead of worrying about linear progress.

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Thoughts

It feels so good to be there when someone needs you (or when they need anyone to hear them out, without judging).  Because it's just so terrible to not have someone to speak to when I need.  I've probably just discovered the meaning of - 

माझं सुख माझं सुख हंड्या झुंबरं टांगलं 

माझं दुःख माझं दुःख तळघरात कोंडलं 

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Another episode

Just witnessed another episode of depression related to relationships.  The lack of relationship, to be precise.

It might have had something to do with MB getting married today.

I almost created my profile on a matrimonial website.  Thankfully it has a 'write about yourself' question at the end, and I was stuck there.

Need to be strong.  Need to come with a strategy and stick to it.  It's not affordable to get caught in these thoughts and the mood every few days.  I have to gather myself together, at least for another week, before heading home.

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context switch

I've been feeling lately that the key to a satisfying life is not just how focused I can be on the things of interest, but also how quickly I can recover.

I've always thought context switches are costly.  But if I can learn to 'recover' from the intense focused state a little quicker, the cost of context switch will go down by a tiny bit.

Something is better than nothing.

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Floating around ...

Things are going on at a steady pace.

Badminton last weekend, yoga class and a short 2 mile run during the week, and no knew pain.

Getting some traction on the extra project I've volunteered for at work.

Went to a movie with VB. He talked a bit about some of the books he came across.  That made me realize that I haven't kept up with the hobby of reading as much as I'd have liked to.  I took the efforts to buy some good Marathi books during last two trips to India, but ended up reading only a couple of them.  I want to be able to confidently say "I read as a hobby".  And I shouldn't wait for 2013 to begin something like that.  The new-years, and other socially accepted boundaries of time are mere suggestions.

I spoke with SMD today.  In fact I had spoken with him just last weekend, but this time he wanted to discuss something important.  It turns out that he's close to entering in relationship with a girl.  He was looking for some advice.  I told him something I told MB just a couple of weeks ago -- the reason for saying yes to relationship should not be 'no reason to say no'.  And he confessed something profound -- that even he describes the interactions as being very light and pointless (hatai), in reality he has had some meaningful conversations with the girl.  But I could sense his need to validate his thinking.  I warned him about the possible pitfalls -- only he can be aware of his frame of reference.  I cannot empathize beyond a certain point.  He seemed to understand the point.

His case has prompted me to think about my own life and relationships over and again.  I see the signals prompting me to take a decision about my relationships.  AB's engagement, VS' wedding, MB's rather sudden wedding, PT's transition into an optimist who confessed about his feeling about wanting to be in relationship, and now SMD's transition into a relationship.  The fact that I feel happy about them and even marginally jealous is an indicator of my own desire to be in a relationship. Maybe I put the practical concerns aside, and give it a chance.  It's not like I'll be married right away.  Besides that, I increasingly find it boring to hang out with roommates all the time.  We're no longer a suitably aligned set of roommates anyway.  Each of us has a different, marginally overlapping set of interests in life, and to be incredibly selfish, I do not gain anything by staying with them.

Speaking of selfishness, I think it's fine to be selfish as long as the selfishness does not harm someone else -- not even unintentionally.  In fact that might even be the key to new achievements in life. Who knows.

Too tired now.  Off to sleep.

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Overwhelmed

For the last 2-3 weeks, I've been feeling significantly overwhelmed.

I haven't been able to figure out why.  I can't believe it's been just 4 months since I was in India.  I feel like I'm already dragging till it's time to go home again.

It could be the mental fatigue of the biking program.  I did all the major training ramp-up and century rides after the last India trip.  There were concerns about injuries and performance.

It could be the mental fatigue of promotion.  My manager has been talking about promotion for almost one year before it actually happened.  It was always at the back of the mind for this entire time, occupying some bandwidth, consciously or unconsciously.

It could also be that I have not been regular with the sitting meditation practice for last 3-4 weeks. I'm probably not as grounded as I was before that.

To the sense of being overwhelmed, there is a tinge of wanting a solid inter-personal relationship at both the physical and psychological level. This might have been triggered by the news of MB getting married, the conversations with PT about relationships, and the incident of physical examination.

I hope to figure out why I'm feeling this way, and hope to get over it.

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Milestones and retrospection

Another milestone passes by - the first promotion in this job, and in the whole life really.

It's not in the culture of the company, and in my personality to cling to such accomplishments.  Nevertheless, I had noticed some anxiety around the results, and that it was occupying a portion of the mind.  Now the mental block has gone for good.  I feel more comfortable and confident in my job.  And I can now take some risks in the next 2-3 quarters.

I mentioned this to a friend at work -- this feels like being in one of the autonomous colleges in India.  It's difficult to get into them. But once you get in, it's relatively easy to do a reasonable job, maintain status quo, and flow with the tide.  Although I've been promoted, and I've been doing somewhat challenging work in past few months, I don't exactly feel satisfied.  I think I can do better.  This company has the opportunities for me to do better, to prove my mettle.  The promotion allows me to unleash the full potential and go berserk.  Now it's up to me to grab the opportunity and make the best of it.

I can't help but relate this state of mind to something that happened in 9th grade. I had topped the semester exams.  But I cried after I went home, because I knew I could be better.  I badly wanted to perform better.  The better part came an year and a half later -- the 10th grade results.  In the current scenario, I will gain knowledge as I go along at a natural pace, without taking any extra efforts.  But, if I allow myself to exceed my own expectations, I can hope to do some amazing things.  

This falls in line with what my dear friend PT has been saying recently -- it's a battle against mediocrity.  "Status quo is your enemy" are his exact words.  I could not agree more with him. 

I realize that I cannot just "be" excellent.  I must "do" what it takes to be excellent.  The laziness, particularly intellectual laziness, that has gathered over last two years must be shaken off.  I have to be more responsible for what happens in my life.

I note that this is a sign of yet another mental barrier breaking down. 

Unleash yourself.  Wake up the giant within.  I'm willing to embrace the potential within me, and what I can become. 

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Thoughts

Recently, came across two rather powerful thoughts.

'Your days are numbered.  And so are your hours, minutes and seconds.'

'"Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you don't."

-- Steve Maraboli'

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Mental barrier breakdown

Another barrier broke down today.

I went to get my physical checkup done to a nurse practitioner attached to my company.  She's a very pretty lady in her mid-thirties with very beautiful eyes.  As part of the physical, she checked for testicular cancer.  She essentially groped and felt my testicles.  It happened pretty quickly, and I did not have much chance to get embarrassed or shy away.  I was able to stay calm and grounded through the exam while she touched my testicles with underpants down. 

I was able to overcome any remaining shyness, and I told her about my concern of foreskin being attached to head of the penis.  She was eager to take a look it.  And to my surprise, she instantly pulled the foreskin off the head in one swift motion on my flaccid penis.  She looked at it closely, and concluded that it looked pretty normal.

She then asked me about my sexual activity.  To be precise, she asked me whether I've been sexually active, and then she asked whether I've ever been sexually active.  The answers were of course 'no'.  Then she asked whether I plan to have girlfriend or boyfriend.  I said I'd be getting married some time soon.

Overall, very weird and yet very interesting.  I always thought there was something wrong with me, and I'd have to get it fixed before I got married.  I've been meaning to get it checked for a while, but had no motivation to do it.  And now, all of a sudden, the mental barrier has broken down.  I'm already feeling more open towards relationship with the opposite sex.  I feel it's partly because of the 'thumbs up' on the state of penis, and partly due to the rather disappointing fact of having no romantic relationship in last 9-10 years since I became sexually mature.

A side note: I'd have never imagined the first woman to look at and touch my genitals would be a lady doctor.  I'd have liked it to be my girlfriend.  Also, now I feel sorry for the doctor, since she had to look and touch a dark, hairy penis on a Friday morning. 

Changes happen in weird ways, and can have very unpredictable triggers.  The important thing is to let them happen, and be present as they happen.  So much practice for all the theory of mindfulness :-)

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Change - I

Several interesting changes during last 24-36 hours. Dedicating one post to each of them.

Had a phone conversation with PT after a gap of 3-4 weeks. During last 4-6 weeks (since he came back from India, to be precise), I've noticed an upbeat, optimistic attitude along with increased social (albeit virtual) presence. I've mentioned this to him, without any judgments, and he had acknowledged the change.

Yesterday, our conversation started on the usual lines of our common friends getting married one by one. Especially on VS and SR getting married to each other, and how other people keep ridiculing them for no real reason.

I don't remember what served as the trigger, but he ended up confessing something really special -- that he is now tired (or bored) living alone, without a relationship. First of all, I want to applaud him for being brave enough to acknowledge the emotion, and on top of that, disclosing it to me. He confessed and disclosed a few interesting events in his life, some of them he has probably never shared with anyone else, therefore best preserved in the memory. (A side note - I've always felt very special when anyone decides to confide in me about their feelings and emotions. It's a very selfish feeling on my part, because it makes me think I'm special in the other person's life.)

One event he told me about was what I now realize MO asked me about roughly around when it was happening. I knew only one part of the story, and I ended up categorically denying any possibility of such development. I was just being naive back then, I guess, and I now feel guilty about it.

There is another interesting after-effect of the conversation. PT's confession of being tired of lonely life validates the urge to be in a relationship I've felt from time to time. It's unfortunate that I need someone else's confession to validate my own feelings -- but hey, no 'second arrows' at this point. The validation is strong to the extent that I'm willing to actively start hunting for candidates. Just then the pre-frontal cortex interferes with all the practical concerns.

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Change - II

During phone conversation with PT. we arrived at the M in my life - MB. I told him about my thoughts and feelings about the issue -- my attempt to rationalize why I decided to ask her in the first place, how I was not that hurt when she said 'no', how I've noticed an invisible line or a wall that our friendship never went beyond, and stuff. I was already bitter about having to hear the news of her getting married from another source. I told him how I hoped that I'd not have to confirm it through Facebook. (A side note - in less than 12 hours after I told him about hoping her to confirm the new in person, she sent me an email confirming the news. I remember Meng telling us that if you want something to happen in your life, tell it to someone or write it down. It works!)

I don't know if I've noted this elsewhere, but when I heard about her getting married, a secondary, less obvious feeling was a sense of relief, probably because of the definite closure it gives to the whole issue, destroying any hopes, cutting all the ropes. In a way, it removed a subconscious mental block towards possibilities of new relationships, and I was not aware of such block before.

But now that the news is confirmed, I feel that whatever I do to rationalize the whole issue, I will never know for sure if I really liked her. I feel sad because the mental image I created of her, and the interactions I had with that image were far more emotionally rich than what we had in reality. I will feel sad that she did not give the relationship a chance to see what it could become.

I recently happened to correlate the two M issues in my life. Could I have done to MO what MB did to me? The MO issue helps me in a way to understand MB's response to my feelings. But the way I handled MO topic (the level of maturity and concern I showed when responding to MO's feelings towards me, to be precise) was far richer than MB's response to mine towards her. With all this cross-person emotional mess, I look forward to meeting MO in December. But it's important to remember to not break the trust, and to not push things in any particular direction.

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Physical experience during meditation

During the last few meditation sits, I've noticed pressure developing at the center of my forehead. It feels like a blunt nail is trying to come out of the forehead from inside. Along with the point of pressure, I've notice clenching or locking of the jaw, and general tension in the other parts of the skull. It's not exactly painful, but it's prominent in the field of awareness. What's more interesting is it's reproducible, that is, it happens spontaneously if I move my attention to the forehead during the sitting, without trying too hard. I've been trying to take it as it is, without either getting attached to it or running away from it.

I decided to share the experience with Gil. He mentioned that it's a known phenomenon, and I should just try to notice it while it's there, while not forcing too hard. He said it's a sign of concentration. But he also said over-thinking or forcing it could make it 'worse' (which is kind of confusing, in retrospect). I still don't know if it's (the feeling) a positive thing. I'm trying not to search online and pollute my mind with the conflicting or unfathomable answers. I can't help but relate this to the notion of energy centers in Zen meditation. I remember the teacher telling that the upper energy centers are easier to locate than the lower ones. This could be one of the many energy centers that I can locate the easiest.

Whatever it is, I must not get attached to it or run away from it. I guess I should -

continue the regular focus-on-the-breath practice

move the awareness to forehead as and when the feeling arises.  don't think too much about it while it's there.

move back to the breath when the feeling subsides

notice the general time duration of the feeling

practice body scan more often, and try to locate other more prominent (but difficult to locate) energy centers, in order to (re)gain the balance

Cheers to the fascinating experiences of meditation!

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Emotions and physiology

This week Gil Fronsdal talked about mindfulness of emotions (http://www.audiodharma.org/talks/audio_player/3671.html). He mentioned some very interesting and beautiful thoughts that I hope to record and brainstorm here a bit.

Forgiveness is giving up hope for a better past

Gil mentioned the quote - forgiveness is giving up hope for a better past, apparently by an American comedian/writer named Lily Tomlin. It sounds just right, not a single word more, not a single word less. I'd never heard such beautiful and so appropriate definition of the notion of forgiveness. When I try to apply the thought to my own past, I instantly start feeling lighter, and less sad. In the past few years, I have often gotten sad or even depressed sometimes over not having the perfect (or at least the way I would have liked it to be) past. Even as I wrote this, I felt some tension built up in chest area and clenching of jaws. And then I think of the quote, and the heart is lighter, and a smile on the face, almost instantly. I need to remind myself of this quote more often.

Almost every action we take, we are trying to affect the physiology of our body, thereby the related emotions.

This is one more very interesting statement that Gil made yesterday. I started noticing almost everything I do during the day, and tried to think of why I was doing whatever I was doing. For example, I have somehow picked up the habit of scanning through email and news as the first thing in the day. The stream of information is mind-numbing, and yet I choose do it almost every day, as the first thing in morning. I eat chocolate cookies and other sweets to try to cheer myself up. I consume milk (in some form) for the cool feeling in stomach, which often leads to more peaceful mind. I drink tea to override tiredness. The whole sensory tract from the mouth to the stomach has a lot do with the feelings and emotions. The feeling in the stomach when I'm bored or restless. The feeling in the tomach and heart when I'm anxious about something. The feeling when I'm particularly content and peaceful. The elevated heart rate in demanding and stressful situations. I should probably note sensation in the genitals when feeling particularly lustful or desirous. (A side note on location of the mind - it has occurred to me some time ago during meditating that the mind is not just the brain, or not just the heart. It is probably the nervous system of the body together with the cognitive brain that can somehow map the sensations into recognizable feelings.) I should also pay more attention to sensations in other body parts. For example, sitting straight up makes me feel less drowsy and sleepy, probably something to do with unblocking of blood flow through the back of the body. Listening to soothing music to calm a chattering mind. And so on.

The point I want to make is that the quote has had a rather profound effect on me. I hope to be able to learn more interesting facts about the interconnection between body and feelings (emotions). It is also interesting to note that the same idea or each emotion being related to a particular body sensation was discussed in Meng's SIY course roughly an year ago.

By trying to affect, modulate or even override emotions, we are suppressing the natural course of emotions, and thereby the wisdom embodied in them.

This is more of a direct logical extension of the earlier statement. A notion that has been a key motivation to start exploring meditation is that we have some sort of wisdom (often manifests itself through intuition) deeply coded into the stone-age brain, which is covered (literally and figuratively) by the cognitive brain. There is an argument that as we grow up, we try to rationalize everything we do, everything we feel, and we try to modulate or override the feelings when we cannot rationalize them. By doing so, or by not understanding our own emotions in general, we are losing the wisdom contained in them. I remember the most catchy line from Meng's series last year -- "mindfulness is being able to notice an emotion as it rises in real-time, with clarity (think of picture clarity), and also being able to consciously choose whether to flow along it, whether to modulate its intensity, or whether to let it go without suppressing it." This again coincides with Gil's statement of 'letting the emotions take their natural course, instead of suppressing them'. It all makes a bit more sense than it did an year ago.

Still a long way to go on this wonderful journey!

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Gil Fronsdal phenomenon

About an year ago, I had expressed a desire to pursue meditation in order to better understand who I am and what I seek in life. Over the year, I've managed to keep up the practice more or less. Initially, after the formal introduction through SIY was over, I tried to sit on my own, for 10-15 mins daily. It was hard to keep it up, and I wasn't making any progress in it. I started showing up at group meditation sits at work, and built rapport with the regular members. The group sits helped to maintain a regular practice, and I made some progress in terms of sitting down for 30-35 minutes at one place. I had come across Gil Fronsdal's audio clips on guided meditation earlier this year, but I couldn't listen to them for long --I'd fall asleep. I came across his YouTube videos last week. And today I went to his introductory session on mindfulness. I missed the first session in the series. Today's session was more focused on body scanning. I experimented with postures during the two guided sessions led by Gil. In the first, I tried the half lotus position, but noticed pain near both ankles. In the second sitting, I tried what's known as Burmese position, and it felt a lot more natural and yet stable. I found the guided sessions pretty short - probably 10-15 mins each. I was able to follow the instructions and not fall asleep or enter trance state. I chatted with Shikwin after the session, and chatted about postures. Coincidentally she also recommended the Burmese position. I let her know my experience with sitting, for example, posture imbalance with half lotus, more awareness in left half of the body to begin with, etc. She seems to be quite an experienced meditator. It's good to be in contact with such experienced folks. More questions to ask next time - - trance like state when sitting on my own. Transition from guided meditation to unguided. - sharp outward sensation in center of forehead, develops instantaneously. Context of zen meditation.

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Fast Forward

Many things have transpired since I last wrote a detailed post here. I feel like having lost track of time. It's hard to believe it's not even 3 months since I came back from India, and things are looking blurry at the moment. I'm going to try to note the highlights (and hope the blur clears out, and something meaningful emerges out of it). I might have to write separate detailed posts on each of the highlighted event soon.

- I thought hard about going back to academia. I could not convince myself the idea of going back to grad school. Another MS seemed impractical and pointless. I haven't reached the point in life where I can just spend 2 years of life to (re)discover myself. There are responsibilities that I still have to live up to. As for PhD, it's hard to settle down on a topic or area off the top of the head. I might be able to put myself in a research-y group in my job, and then re-think of pursuing research interests. But for now, no quitting the job and no going back to school. (Yay! :)

- Career: Going up for promotion this perf cycle. Didn't pursue any 20% tasks this quarter, so that I could dedicate all 100% of bandwidth to core projects. Having built a strong perf profile, the idea is to start taking 20% dev tasks, and transition to swe role by end of Q1. I think it's a good idea to put a hard deadline on the transition now, after having waited for more than 2 years.

- Cycling: After a short gap of two weeks in training, followed by knee-pain in the taper ride, I finished Napa metric century strong. Another three training rides - a 60-miles with knee pain, and another 55-miler without any pain - I bit the bullet and jumped on to 100 miler in Tahoe-Sierra. It was a long and tiring ride. But the views along the way, especially of the Donner Lake were simply breathtaking. Cheers to the physical and mental endurance. Another three training rides, and I could be doing 100-miler in Davis. That will make an awesome end of season. 

- Meditation: Have kept up with the practice more or less regularly. I can easily sit for 35-40 minutes, but the mind still wanders. Need to re-enforce the basics once every 2-3 weeks with guided meditation sessions. Otherwise, keep up the habit.

- Yoga: Joined a yoga class in office. First formal yoga training of any kind. The idea was that it would build the right breathing habits (to complement meditation), and make the body flexible (to complement biking). Going good at the moment. Need to keep up the habit.

- Sanskrit: Finished an L2 class. Need to follow up with the practice sessions.  

- Relationship: This gets interesting. Was chatting with PT the other day, and he might be on the way to another serious relationship. Good for him. I noticed strong sense of optimism when chatting and talking with him. He claims he met this new girl through a matrimonial website. The idea of doing it is very tempting. I choose not to allocate bandwidth for it just yet. Nevertheless, a good idea to pursue in near future. In another news, I hear MB is getting married. The news traveled through her dad -> my sister-in-law -> mom -> me. Which made me sad. I'd expect her to tell the news to me herself. So I pinged her the other day, and waited for a bit to see if she'd break the news. But she didn't. I just hope I don't hear the news through Facebook. That will just be plain sad. But if the news is real, I'm just very happy for her. In yet another news, it's generally raining engagements and weddings on Facebook profile. AB got engaged, VS and AT are getting married (to two different girls, of course) in December. It all seems like a mad rush, and scares the hell out of me. I seem to be moving in the opposite direction. Becoming more emotionally detached, objective, independent, strong, and physically fitter than ever. The following lines cross my mind: 

माणसांच्या_मध्यरात्री_हिंडणारा_सूर्य_मी, माझियासाठी_न_माझा_पेटण्याचा_सोहळा.

Anyway. I like the efficiency at which I'm getting things done at the moment. I hope to not get carried away to much, stay grounded, and make sure that I do what I want to do and I enjoy whatever I do. Over and out.