bibliophile78

[bibliophile78]

I might be a lush, but I ain't an alcoholic

[bibliophile78]

Whether or not they exist, we're slaves to the gods.

-Fernando Pessoa, The Book of Disquiet

[bibliophile78]

27 years!

It just clicked with me that it's been 25 years since my first suicide attempt.

Crazy, right?

[bibliophile78]

I don't know what mental condition it is, or if it is related to the host of mental illnesses i have, but I just don't want to *BE*. There is nowhere in this dimension I want to be, and there is nothing I want to be doing. What am I supposed to do with that?

[bibliophile78]

After much consideration, I have decided that my second favorite of Keats's odes (after "Grecian Urn"--duh!) is definitely "Ode to a Nightingale".

Most def.

[bibliophile78]

And the best way to do this is a bullet.

i think ultimately you do really have to kill that part of your brain that vividly imagines how you would redo parts of your life.

[bibliophile78]

I think I beat the internet. I think I finally won. I put a suicidal question in Google, and for the first time ever (and I mean EVER), it didn't respond with the suicide hotline as the first answer. Heck, none of the results were anti-suicide advice or webpages--the results actually answered my question!

[bibliophile78]

I've been listening to entirely too much Bolt Thrower lately. My favorite albums are Realm of Chaos and Honour Valour Pride.

Bolt Thrower - What Dwells Within

[bibliophile78]

The number of lies I have to tell myself just so that I willingly go to my job would frighten all of you.

[bibliophile78]

Same

Today is definitely a day where if I owned a gun, I'd put the muzzle against the side of my head and pull the trigger.

[bibliophile78]

This is an important lesson in how propaganda works. By saying they were fired for "sexually explicit" conversations, it's establishing that things related to being trans or queer- like discussing hormones or pronouns, both of which are things that are actually in the chat- are pornographic and explicit. It's treating any sort of queer identity discussion as sexual content.

Now, follow the math on this. When they convince people that talking about anything related to being trans is pornographic (see page 5 of Project 2025) and that exposing children to it should be registered as a sex offender (same paragraph of Project 2025), and then later says that the death penalty should be applied to people convicted of "particularly heinous crimes involving violence and sexual abuse of children" (page 554 of Project 2025), do you understand how this is the first step towards criminalizing any sort of discussion of being transgender and where they're laying the groundwork for killing people over it?

[bibliophile78]

Should I reign in my suicidal posts here on Tumblr? After all, I don't want the chronically online knuckle draggers to associate my desire to shuffle off this mortal coil with Orange Cheeto's fascist ascendance. It's like, no, I've been fantasizing about ending my life since I was 12, and my first attempt was at 19. So fuck off.

[bibliophile78]

For any relocated TikTok users

you can say sex and kill its fine

If you don't have a profile picture people will assume you're a bot

theres barely an algorithm, if you want to see cool shit reblog things instead of just liking them

follower count doesnt matter

tumblr fame gets you one thing and it is Yelled At

no one knows what the fuck the nsfw policy is

block anyone that annoys you even a little bit

And most importantly:

post cringe

[bibliophile78]

Kanye's "Runaway" always makes me cry. I hate it. People my age are supposed to have their shit together. Hell, I was supposed to have my shit together a decade ago.

[bibliophile78]

Montaigne describes himself as "soft and useless for serving others, and no good to anyone but myself."

Talk about looking into a mirror.

[bibliophile78]

What is armor but a cage that moves with you?

- Rebecca Solnit

[bibliophile78]

So I was on the phone with my mom, updating her on my car situation (most likely totaled) and she was asking me lots of questions. And I was getting irked because I realized that the questions she was asking are the kinds of guiding questions that adults ask teens (or really young adults) when that young person doesn't exactly know what they're doing.  So I snapped at her and said, "Just because I'm the less competent of your two children doesn't mean you need to talk to me like I am." But I've been thinking about it and I realized she has every right to talk to me in that kind of tone. I've been colossally incompetent for enough of my life that that's just how she perceives me. How many times has she rescued me financially or in other ways? Shit, too many times to count. How many plans and goals have I flushed down the toilet? Of course she talks to me like I'm a disappointment and a waste of space--because I am.