bigoofbrandon

[bigoofbrandon]

When did you realize that you were lonely?

When did you realize that you weren't happy?

When did you realize how sad you were?

When did you realize your heart had a hole?

When did you realize that you cannot remember most of your past?

When did you realize that your personality was defined by trauma?

When did you realize that you would look back at memories with shame?

When did you realize that your soul wasn't flying, but drifting with the current?

When did you realize that you had the power to decide your own fate, both good and bad?

When did you realize that the sad moments are only sad because you make them that way?

When did you realize that the sun was indeed bright, and the birds all knew the same songs?

When did you realize that life is not meant to be salvaged, but to be ridden like a roller coaster?

When did you realize that she made a difference?

When did you realize that without her, you would go back into the dark?

When did you realize that the years of pain and misfortune would all eventually lead you to her?

When did you realize that you had found your own strength, and she would be there should you fall?

When did you realize that this was all new?

When did you realize that you are different now than you were?

When did you realize that you never understood how bad and sick you actually were?

When did you realize, that the reason you didn't realize before, was because you've never felt it?

[bigoofbrandon]

I first started to worry

When you said you've never had a broken heart

That the thoughts in your mind weren't blurry

That you had always been right from the start

As a man who has gone through a lot

It generated a fear within

It made me freeze on the spot

It raised the hairs on my skin

Half of me wanted to stay

But the other half begged me to go

My heart wanted to be the needle in the hay

But my brain was scared of becoming your foe

In the end, I did the best I could

I made my mistakes, but so did you

I did some things that I swore I never would

But you hurt me in ways that actually felt new

We should have known that this was our fate

That no matter what, we were doomed to fail

But we shouldn't regret our very first date

At least we can learn from our short fairytale

[bigoofbrandon]

There are times when one must realize

That love is not worth it

That does not mean you completely stop

Trying to find it and cherish it

It means that love will not conquer all

It will not change a person completely

It will not make them realize their mistakes

It will not help them get better

It will not excuse any negative actions or words

It will not be the reason you wake up in tears

It will not make you feel worthless

It will not force your mind into blaming yourself

It will not make you think that you

Have to succumb to all the bullshit

Because you are scared that if you don't

They will leave and take their love back

Love is not something worth hurting for

Do not force your beliefs into others

And do not force yourself to forgive them

I loved her

And I am thankful that she was the one

Who ended things

Because if she hadn't

Then I would have continued to love her

Until the day it broke me

[bigoofbrandon]

Is it wrong to still offer

My prayers to the sky?

Is it dumb to keep wishing

On the stars that pass by?

Is it wrong to still think of

That one moment in life?

Is it dumb to still believe

That we can make it right?

I offer my everything

Just to get one last chance

I swear to you I have changed

I refuse to advance

I keep lying to myself

Saying I don't miss you

And I pray that deep inside

You repeat the same too

I don't deserve one more try

The pain I caused is vast

I'm now afraid of talking

And reliving my past

So let me just state this fact

I won't repeat again

I have no doubt I'll find love

But it will be in vain

[bigoofbrandon]

The room is white and deadly quiet

Reception filled with a nurse or two

My body feels like it's running riot

My case, to them, is nothing new

My name is called and I step forward

They worry my heart might pass its limit

I do whatever it is I'm ordered

The number on the screen reads 240 BPM

A series of events then quickly follow

An asshole nurse and deathly experience

At this point, my mind is hollow

My condition is no longer serious

The meds come in through an IV

I lie in the bed and try to relax

They check up on me frequently

Prepared to handle a heart attack

My anxiety, at last, is low

The pain in my chest starts to decrease

I'm slowly starting to regain control

I finally start to feel at peace

The doctor says I'm good to go

"You should go home and get some rest

Although I think that you should know

You maimed the heart inside your chest"

I could have died had I not acted

I debated on whether or not to come

The fear of punishment kept me distracted

I tried to undo what was already done

But in that moment, late at night

A revelation crossed my mind

"I am not able to win this fight

And I refuse to die and be left behind"

[bigoofbrandon]

She'd returned to an empty home

Only the dogs would welcome her back

She was used to feeling alone

It no longer felt like an attack

She starts to cook or study a bit

She likes being productive

Always scared when she had to sit

Always fearing he'd become destructive

She finishes whatever she was doing

He's still not back, so she calls a friend

They start to talk and it all comes spewing

She admits she thinks it's come to an end

The sound of keys and the doorknob turning

She hangs up and braces for the worst

The same old feeling of her gut churning

At times she wonders if she's indeed cursed

He walks in slow and says hello

She responds with hi and starts to calm

Her worries start to sink below

Her sweat still sliding off her palm

"How was work? It sure was hot!

Did you make sure to drink some water?"

-It was fine, I sweat a lot

But I thank God it wasn't hotter-

He acts as if the night before

She wasn't crying from their fight

He sits and places his backpack on the floor

-I want to try to make things right-

-Please take that ring off of your finger

The promise one I bought on sale-

The way he spoke with so much vigor

Made her heart sink and skin turn pale

She took off the ring and handed it over

He opened a pouch and dropped it in

He looked in her eyes and moved in closer

She wondered if she should atone for her sins

-I know I'm sick but I want to get better

That's no excuse for how I treat you

I know to you I am a debtor

But I want to ask you something new-

-In the event I stay the same

I don't improve or even get worse

I want you to state and make a claim

That you will stay and not disperse-

-You no longer feel the pressure of the ring

I want you to think and answer with truth

I don't know what the future will bring

But I will work hard and you'll see the proof-

-And while you think I want you to know

That I love you and always will

And though I reap what I have sowed

I'll never stop climbing this battle uphill-

She didn't quite know just what to say

They've been together for a few years

Yet from his face she could not survey

If he would laugh or break into tears

She pictured life without him there

No fights or worrying all the time

She could finally let down her hair

She would finally see the sun shine

But in her heart she loved him so

The way he laughed and the love he'd give

She's seen him suffer and struggle front row

He'd have to fight for as long as he lived

She pondered more on what to answer

He sat there patiently without a word

The silence hurt as if filled with cancer

Made better by the groaning floorboards

At last she looked at him to address

He tensed up and started to brace

"The answer to your question is yes"

Some tears had made their way to her face

"I know you love me and I love you too

I want to grow old and die together

But our fights have made our happiness few

I'm tired of going through stormy weather"

"I see you trying to fix yourself

You see your doctor and take your pills

But I'm also struggling with things myself

And not just about paying bills"

"When I see you I feel so happy

I feel at peace and fill up with joy

But at times you get so snappy

You act like you're a young boy"

"I want our future to be filled with light

Where I know what you feel and try to help

I don't care about the occasional fight

I just don't want to feel like a useless whelp"

-I understand just how you feel

You've got my word to give you that

I will hold up my end of the deal

And that is 100% fact-

He then stood up and reached out his hand

She took it into hers and stood next to him

-I want to prove that this I can

And what comes next I hope you not condemn-

He reached back into the same pouch

"Oh no, I don't want it back"

He was a bit shocked and sat back on the couch

"If you give it back I'll give you a smack"

"I'll wait until the real one comes

Not just a promise but a commitment

Until that day I won't succumb

I'm sure we can come to an agreement"

She stared and saw a grin start to form

And again he started to reach

Her thoughts in her mind began to swarm

He wasn't even trying to be discreet

He pulled not the ring but a small box

And from the couch fell to one knee

Her racing thoughts came to a stop

As he opened the box so she could see

-I bought this earlier today

When I realized exactly what I wanted

I wasn't sure what you would say

I didn't want to take your thoughts for granted-

-I had this planned right from the start

And I prayed you'd say what you just said

I love you with all my heart

And I ask if you and I can be wed-

The shock forced her to cover her mouth

Her heart beat faster than she could tell

The hint of tears now without a doubt

"I would like to marry you as well"

[bigoofbrandon]

I can just imagine

The way He

Looks at you

And it better look familiar

It better wake

A distant memory

Somewhere in the back

Of your brain

Because long ago

Those were my eyes

That stared into your sky

That held the secrets

Of your soul

Those were my lips

That so craved

The touch of yours

He better bring back

Those memories

Because if he doesn't

Make you feel

At least half

Of what you felt

When you were with me

Then he isn't worth it

He better be better than me

He better make our happiest memories

Look nothing

But average

Because if you settle

For anyone less

Well

That would be

The greatest revenge

Against yourself

-Hidden Chaos

[bigoofbrandon]

Another year has passed

Without you by my side

I swear they go by fast

Like a roller coaster ride

This year I learned so much

Like the existence of good people

Addiction can start with a touch

And sometimes, love is evil

I could not abstain from the hospital

After 5 years, I visited again

The reasons why matter little

What matters is I'm better than I was then

The people who matter to me most

Once again reinforced their position

And to them, I offer up a toast

They stayed with me despite my condition

There are those I believe I've hurt

Friends and family included

The reasons why are so pervert

My mind at the time was heavily polluted

As for love, I've experienced it all

From loving deeply, to just settling

A pain like so, I can not recall

A perfect future, but simply deadening

Another year without you here

My feelings are gone, as is the man you knew

I ask you not to shed a tear

For I can once again begin a year anew

[bigoofbrandon]

One year ago

My grandmother passed away

It was devastating for me

As well as for my family

A woman so special in my life

I never imagined life without her

But then, just a few days later

You were born

My own little sister

Growing up a single child

I was used to being alone

I was used to figuring things out

I was used to making mistakes

And learning from them

I was used to watching TV by myself

Playing single-player video games

Talking and texting with friends

Whenever I felt alone

I was used to crying alone at night

Afraid and ashamed to tell my Mother

Because I didn't want her to worry

I was used to fully committing to my friends

Because I feared the thought of them leaving

I was used to crashing and falling so hard

That it crippled and changed me forever

I was used to being an only child

But now, I have you

I won't deny the age difference

(By the time you're 10, I'll be 33!)

But I want you to know this:

No matter where you are

No matter your age

No matter your personality

No matter what school you attend

No matter who you date

No matter what you wear

No matter what music you listen to

No matter which team you support

No matter what your grades are

No matter how happy you feel

No matter how sad you get

No matter how lonely you become

No matter how many tears are shed

No matter what

I will be your brother

I will be there for you through anything

And everything

You know, I never planned to live past 25

And it's slowly coming up

In all honesty, I don't want to live past 25

And although it's hard to go on

I start to imagine

I imagine

What a beautiful woman you will become

The memories we will share

The stories we will tell

The moments we will never forget

The nieces and nephews you will give me

The beautiful wedding I will attend

The wonderful family I will be apart of

Just imagining all of it

Is enough to make me want to grow old

I don't know what the future has in store

But I promise you this:

Julia Kristina,

I will do my absolute best

To be a good big brother

I will be there to watch you grow

I will always be there for you

I love you

-Brandon

10/29/2020

[bigoofbrandon]

Hi

My name is time

I'm that thought in the back of your mind

Every time you try to write

But your eyes always go blind

Or those words in your mouth

That always seem to go south

I won't let you hold a conversation let alone even rhyme

I'm every second, every hour

You think of the gun on the counter

When I don't work in your favor

You say the blame is all mine

I'm the one who got away

When it was you who couldn't stay

And every time that you replay it

It always leads you astray

But what about the moments I won't let you forget

Like the times you held her hand and said

God this is great

Or the nights when you would fight and cry until the morning

But you would wake up with the sun and say at least it's not pouring

See what you don't understand is that I don't control you

You build your roads and burn your bridges and expect me to support you

I give you time with these people

So you could all grow together

Not wash away every time you have to storm through some weather

I bet you think this is easy

Doing the things that I do

But you don't have to wake up and put on my dirty old shoes

I strive for days and weeks and months for your ass

And half of the time you don't even wake up for class

I'm trying to give you all the things that you want

But it's so hard when every single error's my fault

Spending my days giving you this and that

And having to come home just to deal with your crap

God if only you could see how much I actually suffer

You would expect me to say that I have defeated tougher

But the fact of the matter is that your life is hard

And you're messing with more time than you actually borrowed

So I wrote you this hoping that you would finally change

For you to get your life together and to just rearrange

The time in both of us is slowly starting to fade

And I don't want to go back up there saying

I've made a mistake

[bigoofbrandon]

Though they don't speak

I see their eyes

They try to think

Of better times

They grow so fast

No longer frail

A few white hairs

Spread head to tail

They sleep with me

Upon my bed

One we once shared

Still filled with dread

I treat them well

So worry not

They live with glee

Current on shots

I must admit

Sometimes it hurts

And with the dogs

It makes it worse

But I promised

Until they pass

To always make

Our moments last

It's the last time

I give my word

I'll scream and shout

Till heavens heard

[bigoofbrandon]

I want to get this off my chest

And put on the record

My mind plays these stupid games

Same as a broken record

They remind me of the days

When our keep was built solid

But just like the weathering of my cheeks

They've all eventually fallen

Our future was raided

Our babies will remain nameless

That pretty car and gorgeous house

Will stay as ads in the papers

My Mother knows that I am always

Lost in the shadows

But what she can't see is that this darkness

Covers all of El Paso

With every face and every name

I can see nothing but sadness

I bow my head and hunch my back

And wish to take off my glasses

I want to run away from this world

And try my luck somewhere else

I could go to the depths of the Earth

But never run away from my self

I let you keep the ring

I couldn't support its weight

I saw it at a pawn shop

I guess you couldn't wait

You're on the other side of the country

Away from my dark

Tell me, are you safe?

Do you miss it at all?

What do you feel when you wake up

Is it like being reborn?

What is it like to have gotten rid

Of the pain from my thorn?

I want to be enlightened

I want to see through your eyes

I want to be in your thoughts

I just want to feel alive

[bigoofbrandon]

I feel the wind blow my covers away

It glides and raises the hair on my body

A soft chill of death's kiss

Nothing more than sweet temptations

The man in the mirror is all too real

I see his pain behind his dew covered eyes

The hands that have sinned more than most

His mouth that can only form a frown

With everyday comes the same old thoughts

His life worth no more than his weight

The idea of stealing someone's fresh air

Makes his eyes look down and walk away

[bigoofbrandon]

Bed unmade

The corpse of a pillow lying down

Firmly on top

The first casualty of the day

The other two still have heartbeats

I remember the fair

The Ferris wheel, food and drinks

Far too much than we can handle

But not enough to convince us to stop

What a strange memory to have at that time

Dark clouds must have been overhead

For the trickle of tears from your face

Would have confounded any meteorologist

And as the covers changed from clean to soiled

So too did my heart change in rhythm

Wait, stop. I don't understand

Your words strike my eyes

And your voice causes mine to hide

I don't want to believe you

Please uncover your face from your hands

In that moment I was lost

Somewhere between life and death

Because at that time they were both the same

And I acted in a way that I'm not proud of

But how else would a man act when he has lost his future

I have written countless pieces

Most about you

Some about others

But this is the last one I will write

About us

I don't regret it

I just regret it being me who did it

I'm sorry

[bigoofbrandon]

Wait for me until tomorrow

Until the sun rises and my pills are swallowed

Wait for me on your side of the bed

Wait until I am no longer lost in my head

If you leave, then take me with you

Stash me with your lipstick colored blue

Take out your keys and start your engine

My body lying in the street shouldn't be questioned

I want to know about your day

About the things you wished to say

I want to know what you were thinking

When you first saw the red light blinking

When you get home, take off your shoes

Make sure to pet Sunny and Nico too

Lay down with me upon the couch

A better day will come, I vouch

Before we sleep, let's kneel to pray

Let us thank God for such a day

I'll sleep and dream of us still together

It's the kind of day I want forever

[bigoofbrandon]

This darkness was a friend of mine

Until you drove it out

You slit its throat and we ran away

Til we couldn't hear its shouts

Our lives were great and terrible

But we managed to get by

Past due rent and credit cards

Made us look up to the sky

At times we could see all the stars

But some nights felt so dead

Those same nights we'd appreciate

The place we laid our heads

As the years went by, we grew a bit

Thought we had it figured out

My mind just keen on loving you

Without a fraction of a doubt

But then our problems returned to us

I was in between some jobs

While you were out doing your best in life

I started acting like a slob

Then came the day I never thought

Would happen in my life

I threw our love into the trash

And forced away my wife

You tried your best to leave the past

With every waking day

But the lips that formed the "I love you's"

Were made impossible to say

And so our problems were finally settled

When you packed your bags and left

You took with you the memory of

A love that's left bereft

I know you're doing so much better

You've even fallen in love

I'm serving my sentence of repentance

And went back to looking above

[bigoofbrandon]

20-60% of patients with Bipolar 1 Disorder

Attempt suicide at least once in their lives

Out of those,

20% of patients actually

Commit suicide

20%

1 in 5

The size of an average family

I still remember the first time I heard it

Coincidentally, it was right after my second

Suicide attempt

I'm not scared of my thoughts

I can control them for the most part

I'm not scared of my impulses

I just call it being "spontaneous"

I'm not scared of my emotions

Being sad let's me sleep at least

What I am scared of

Is being a statistic

Because, according to the research

I'm right on track

It's only a matter of time

I don't want to be that 20%

I don't want to be that 1 out of 5

But if I'm being honest

If me being the 1

Saves the other 4

Then I would gladly follow suit

That's why I hate math

You can't change the results

Just because you don't like them