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There is a dream of mine... the HYPOTHETICALLY CRAZY one.

It was about Mr. Cillian Murphy being a bit too friendly but in innocent way... well, kind of, even tho he still shares some of his bad influence on me and I do not mind. And this is very, very far away from reality facts (a.k.a Alternate Universe). So in this dream, I dunno if Cillian indeed becoming an actor or not, nor did he married and having all his beloved family here? I do not know, even I don't know where I come from either, what did I do? And how come I ended up being here? Because it's only a dream and this dream is the most memorable among my other dreams about him.

The fragments of Generousity

So, there is me, sitting in somekind of... like pub (?) perhaps in between 1930s – 1940s era of England or whatever country I've been in this dream, but as long as I remember, I got placed in Europe, not in my own country, obviously (so I kinda like a time traveler in this dream even tho I didn't feel like one). I'm wearing a modest, casual attire like all those women in that era, my hair somehow quite short as well. Sitting alone in my table while medling with my own chaotic mind as my eyes scanning the room and other patrons.

Suddenly, there is a man dressed in decent way sitting on the empty seat next to mine, he sat there so casually, didn't even bother himself to ask for my permission (but I don't mind) as if he didn't notice me at first. I'm aware of his present so I tilted my head to the side then my eyes widen. That man was Cillian Murphy (his looks it's like mixed between him as Thomas Shelby and William Killick (?) I dunno how to explain it. Oh, maybe more like when he played as Jozef Gabčík. Well, ignore the gif I put in for convenience purpose). I was too stunned to speak so I just starred at him longer than necessary. Nevertheless, he notice somehow and subtly giving me a polite smile while me, groggily returning his smile in miserable way.

I do not know what should I do in that moment, so I chose for silence, but the silence was... oddly infuriating I don't know why.

"Mind If I buy you a drink?" He, or Cillian, suddenly ask me. I startled a bit, "Pardon me... I didn't quite catch it?" I ask back.

He merely smiled, "I said, mind if I buy you a drink, Miss?"

Gosh... I didn't expect such interraction from him in this dream, and as a matter of fact, I was nervous and flustered, but I tried to fought those feelings.

"Uhm... I'd like that nice offer but I didn't drink. I mean, I never tried any alcohol before and... I can't drink it." I tried so hard to politely refused Cillian's beautiful offer, but because I was too nervous, I was terrible at explaining why I couldn't drink alcohol.

"Can't drink?" He echoed, not that loud. "What if I offers you something nicer? light? Which of course does not contain alcohol." He continue and in my mind, why was he so persistent to buy me a drink? But again, this is, all of this scene are just a dream. So, why not?

"Fine then, as long as you keep your words, sir–"

"Cillian." He corrected without giving me a chance to finish my own sentence. Without another word, he stood up, dissapearing for a moment to buy us, me, a drinks.

I patiently waiting for his arrival while my brain are working endlessly, plenty questions appear in there. Really? Cillian Murphy buy me a drink? Literally HIM buy me a bloody drink??

After some minutes, "Sorry if I took a bit longer. Quite crowded there." Cillian appear with two glasses of... I don't know.

"What is this?" I ask.

"Ginger ale. Never tried it, haven't you?"

I bit my lip, "No..." Skeptism still gnawed me. "Never."

He sigh, "I already told the barman not to puttin' the alcohol in it. So I bet it's okay now." He patiently tried to convincing me. "But if you still refuse it, it's okay."

"No." I quipped, too soon. "I–thanks, though." I added a nervous chuckled. My hand quickly reached for my glass of ginger ale and without second thoughts, I drank it. So he would be convinced. He seems a bit baffled, but I could saw his lips quietly muttering 'no problem', 'yes', 'pleasure', I don't know which one is correct.

Because this is a dream, so I'm not sure how to described the ginger ale taste. But this is the funny part because later on, I could tasted. Not ginger ale, not a food either. Just... wait 'till end. After I tasted the ginger ale with him, we both fell into another awkward silence again. Eventually, Cillian making another attempt for small talk.

"So, shall we introducing ourself?" His eyes fell into my sitting figure, as if he tried to gauge? Or read my body leanguage? I'm not sure.

I was quite taken aback by his question but nevertheless, I keep my cool and pride high enough, "What do you like to know about me?" I retorted then added with a little joke, "My name? Height? Place? Or what?"

He chuckled so did I (I know it sounds silly because this is just a DREAM). "Of course your name. But if you willing to share others than just a name, I didn't mind." He said cooly.

I scoff, rolling my eyes a bit, "What an unexpected companion." I muttered under my breath but he seems catch what I said, so I quickly fend off whatever reaction he might throw, "Nothing. I mean, yes, I'll tell you my name." I paused, wanting to know his reaction first.

"Hmm... then tell me."

I'm quite hasitated at first but screw it, "Safa. My name is Safa. S-A-F-A." I emphisize the spelling part per letter because in real life, many people always misspell my name or change and add letters when writing my very simple name, and I'm just being careful who knows in my dream the same thing could happen? Haha, just let me be. I didnt tell him my lastname as long as I remember.

He raised an eyebrow, not sure what does that mean, I'm not a mind reader, "Never heard that kind of name before." He mused while I smiled sheepishly.

"Well... indeed that name was very uncommon here." He nod thoughtfully hearing my answer.

He placed his hand on his chin, subtly stroking his own stubble, "Is... your name has some... meanings?"

"Of course. Every name has a meanings." I retorted while rolling my eyes slightly. Because I found his question is silly (I bet he would never be like this in real life. This is mere a dream after all).

Before he could guessing or throw another question, I quickly added, "My name has few meanings but still in one meaning. It could be mean pure or holly, white, clear, clean and so on which have meanings close to that." I explain, once again, he nodding in thoughtful way.

In this part, our getting-to-know scene are somehow being skipped, haha. Well, don't get a high hope with dreams. Eventualy, we both slowly getting comfortable with each other while having a nice drink and conversation that I mostly forgot. Then I saw him opening his cigarette case, taking one cigarette then put it to his lips, I saw how he could look that natural and that attractive, especially when he lit his cigarette with a zippo lighter while tilting his head slightly. Mmh, his jawline, quite distracting.

"What?" He suddenly ask, making me realize from my daydreaming, "Bet you enjoying the view, eh?" He continue.

"Nothing just... well, yeah, I'm starring on you... a lot." I admit bashfully, he merely chuckled.

"I'm aware of that. Tho, I thought you want some."

I blinked. What... 'some' in this context? Then without even waiting for my answer nor slightest of my reaction, he handed me his own half-burn cigar, I begrudgingly accept it, our fingers brushing againts each other yet I tried desperately to ignore the feelings. In real life, I never ever drink a ginger ale, let alone smoking. But somehow in this dream, after I took a small inhale of the cigarette slowly then letting out the smoke with soft puff (in this dream I smoke like a pro while in fact I never ever taste one of it), I didn't feel anything like coughing or what, but what I felt was the sweet and delicious taste of the cigarette like an expensive cigarette. I could even feel it in the real world, I could still taste the sweet taste of Cillian's half-used cigarette we share when I woke up from my sleep even though the taste was only faint on my lips and tongue, not as sharp as when I was still in my dream. This making me waking up in bewildered yet bliss.

"Mhm, it's sweet." I mused as I handed back the cigar towards him, "Like an expensive one." I added smugly, making him smirk slightly.

"Indeed it's the expensive one. Not a fan of the cheapest." Sounding arrogant yet I don't mind. Why would I?

"You have... definetely a good taste." I respond.

He laugh, real laugh, making him very human in pleasant way, "I guess you complimenting me? Should I be grateful? Or flatered?"

"Sure, sure, it could be a flatery or compliments... whatever you pleased," I chuckle, tho the way he said it making my stomach doing some pleasant flip (organ failure. Aha, joking).

"I'd be pleased with all of 'em." He then letting out another puff of his cigar from his mouth and inhaling it with his nostril and I'm being me, who cannot resist watching him. I'm not gonna waste any chance I've got with him in this dream.

Cillian, the observant ever, repeating the same move as if he's too enjoying a young woman which is me watching him so intently yet shamelessly, "Want one for yourself?" He asked out of the blue before his hand reaching up to the cigarrette case he placed on our table.

I'm of course acting a little pretentious, "It's expensive you said, if I had one and accidentaly got addicted, I would be concern with your cig."

He arched his brow, "Why would you do that?"

"Because who knows... I might finish your whole cigarette in an instant."

He scoffed, clearly found me silly and peculiar, "Don't be ridiculous. You wouldn't do that either because I bet your lungs can't hold it that much plus..." He paused and handed me one whole cigarette butt, "It's rare to find me being so generous over my expensive fag." He finish in somehow smug way, I also notice the corner of his mouth twitch slightly, subtly smirking with me.

"Alright," I smiled and reaching for his cig he offer it to me, "I also feel bad if I keep refusing, especialy coming from a man like you, Cillian," I said in low tone before placing the cig onto my lips, I could saw the way his face light up slightly, clearly pleased.

I bend my body a bit after Cillian reached his lighter and lit it for me. For me, this is the peak because I found it oddly intimate. I know in that era, men helping women with their cigar or anything are normal, but for me its otherwise (because in this generation, species of those men are rare like a hidden gem).

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There is sweet guy from australia i met randomly on telegram's annonymous chat bot. He doesnt like the others i think... i hope. I hope he's really genuine because i feel like everytime we started to have conversation, i wanted to combust. We dont know each other that well, let alone our looks, but i feel like... we have this unspoken tension that make me feel numb. I have a feeling that he aint like other guys i met and exchanged ids but still, my trust issues are developing to 200%.

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Anyway.... I dunno why sometimes I felt like wanted to have a good bond with kids, knowingly I hate kids yet one day I would becoming a mother.

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"I became burdened...with useless baggage that I want now off my back. I want to uneducated myself of...worthless concepts, so that I may returned to a virginal personality...to a rebirth of a real intel and of a real self. Then I won't be lost in collective whole that fits nobody because it's made to fits everybody." —Federico Fellini

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"Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you have now have was once among the things you only hope for." —Epicurus

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Seriously. I need money T T

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Me and my beloved girls

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The only memory from my old class that i had a chance to snapshot it discreetly.

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Memories from me and my beloved girls to our dearest TA.

From 2023.

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I feel like wanted to make this page of my own beloved tumblr as my open public diary... but the short one and only when something or special occasion happen to me then I also remember to jotted down here.

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Not long ago, there's a man from South India... I think, I forgot, DM me and very open with all his dark secret as if I'm already his closest friend that know him long enough. It disgust me. So after I politely ending our conversation, I quickly blocked him for my own good and finding peace.

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For anyone who's interest in films.

Still not much because I still have to collect the list of films that I have watched so far. And, the ones I mentioned in my tumblr post haven't entered my letterboxd, yet, mwehee hee... that will follow, just wait!

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I dreamed thrice (and it terrify me somehow) about my old guy friend who used to have a crush on me back then in fifth grade while I'm unaware of it at that time because we used to hate each other since first grade. We never keep in touch after graduate from elementary school 'till now. And now he proly already have his own girl and idgaf. But WHY ON EARTH I keep dreaming 'bout him lately??? T T

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When James Baldwin said, "It took many years of vomiting up all the filth i'd been taught about myself, and half-believed, before i was able to walk on this earth as though i had a right to be here."

- Random post of mine.

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My favourite films ;

- All Harry Potter films.

- Fantastic Beast.

- Lord Of The Ring trilogy.

- The hobbit.

- Naruto.

- The silent voice.

- The mummy.

- Night at Museum.

- Home Alone (the first and the second are most).

- The Joker.

- Dr. Strange.

- The Conjuring.

- The nun.

To be continue...