bipolar-disordered-blog-blog

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May is Mental Health Awareness Month. For information visit www.nami.org/mentalhealthmonth 

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Unfinished business

I do a lot of planning. I plan the goals I want to accomplish in life and the ways I can achieve them, small changes I want to make and the steps in which to succeed. My phone and laptop are riddled with outlines, spreadsheets, fitness plans and articles titled "21 ways to save money in 2015.” The problem is, I don’t always follow through with said plans. The spreadsheets and outlines are created during a manic episode only to be forgotten 3 weeks later when my mood shifts. I just finished an extensive Google search on “How to save $10,000 in 2 years.” (Note to self, Google how to more efficiently use Google). This search was followed by a 30 minute search in Excel for budget templates, in order to track my finances. In which I soon gave up on because “I know I’m not going to follow through with this anyway…”

In a revelation I had in a therapy sesh last night, it has been brought to my attention that I overanalyze my behaviors in order to attribute them to having Bipolar. I have become hyperaware of my project planning that almost inevitably ends up in half-finished projects. I desperately want to understand why I do what I do, and I want to be able to nip the scrutiny from loved ones in the bud. In doing so, I am making myself my diagnosis; the most important thing we should remind ourselves NOT to do.

So, I intend to continue planning. It soothes me, it reminds me to stay focused, and helps guide me forward instead of remaining stuck in the past. If I do stray from my plans, so be it. I’ll have them in front of me as inspiration to get back on track. All I have to do is open my laptop, or look at my Safari bookmarks. It’s hard to avoid things that are right in front of you. So keep fighting, friends, you do not need to explain yourself. You are not your diagnosis.

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Mood Journals

Over the past 2 months, I’ve taken to keeping a “Mood Journal.” The purpose of it is to document your mood at least once a day, typically the morning. I have steadily documented my moods or thoughts, with a day missed here or there or documenting more than one time. Notably this journal began while I was in a depression, suggested by a good friend of mine to get some things off my chest. I am proud of myself for maintaining my (almost) daily entries, as I don’t always finish what I start.

One of the key “clues” of a bipolar mind is a houseful of unfinished projects. In my experience, I will be manic and excited to release my energy in a positive way: DIY projects, art projects, upcycling old furniture, the list goes on. My house is full of said projects, that I have lost passion for, yet refuse to throw out. I am fearful this blog will be yet another victim of unfinished business. This has become an amazing outlet for me, hopefully it will help others as well, and it all started with my mood journal.

I spent a bit of time looking over my last few entries, I have noticed a pattern of ups and downs, some daily and a significant swing over the past week. I was falling pretty heavy in to a depression and began to avoid tasks that were necessary for me to complete. I noted, “I’m spiraling again…this is how I feel before I binge.” Everything began to pile up and I think my depression was due to this burden I put on myself (avoidance can be a son of a bitch). A few days ago, while my girlfriend was on a job interview, I sat down and spent about 2 hours on the phone, making all the calls I had been avoiding and putting my finances into perspective. When all was said and done, I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. With the support of my girlfriend and my family, I was able to recognize this pattern and stop it before I allowed my darkness to overcome me. Today I wrote that I feel “Amazing x2 days!” I don’t feel the need to drink, I’m not ignoring phone calls and I feel generally happy.

I know there is a possibility this feeling will slide backwards. This is a reality I need to remain mindful of. It may be difficult to stay positive or balanced, but with a little help from a support system and a positive outlook, it is possible. Stay mindful, stay strong, and stay balanced.  

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The cycle

I can’t relax the way most others do. A nice glass of wine, a hot bubble bath, a long walk; I look at these things in terror. These are the activities that allow me to be alone in my thoughts, a never-ending bombardment of self-doubt and fear. All the things I work so hard to distract myself from. I find my relaxation most while multi-tasking. It allows my brain to become so distracted that I can’t think of the control I’m losing in my day to day life, or the hateful words that spew from the back of my brain. Even as I type this entry, I have the television on in the background. Audible noise to drown out the inaudible thoughts I despise.

“Clearing my head,” is a fantasy. I can never actually remember a time I cleared my head, or have felt at ease in my own company. A shower helps for the first minute. Hot water, washing the dirt off of me. Temporarily washing the thoughts and anger away. After that first rinse, it’s right back to reality. My thoughts come rushing back in one shot. My mind constantly wanders – mistakes I’ve made, who I’m disappointing, my future, how I can avoid all of the problems I have. Avoidance, oh am I a master of avoidance. Ignoring phone calls, mail, e-mails; pretending they don’t exist – that will make it go away, right? No, maybe booze will. No that never works either. I always wake up feeling worse than the day before.

So why do I binge? Instant gratification. See, I don’t think of the next day; I don’t think before I speak, before I act. All I want is something that will make me feel good now. This is the reason I binge drink, have promiscuous sex, go on spending sprees or make other irrational and dangerous decisions. It feels good in the moment. It’s a fleeting moment, but I actually feel some control over my own mind. Man, do I hate myself when I wake up the next day, so I perform some other impulsive act. And so the cycle continues.

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My Bipolar Disordered Life

Welcome to my Tumblr! My name is Alyssa Bragg and I am a 26 year-old student living with Bipolar Disorder. This blog aims to serve three purposes: an outlet for my thoughts and experiences, resources and outlets for others with Bipolar, and insights into the bipolar mind for family/friends of our beautifully misunderstood community.

Living with Bipolar Disorder has proven itself difficult. It has become common knowledge that Bipolar includes severe mood swings between elation and depression. Since my diagnosis 18 months ago, I have realized the intricacies below the surface of these mood swings. Things that I have been living with my entire life with the misguided belief that everybody feels the way I do. Elation, or mania, does not simply equate to a good mood, nor does depression a bad one. 

Having been diagnosed with Bipolar II, I suffer from depression with episodes of hypomania – rapid speech, agitation, and impulsivity. Sometimes I can sense my mood swings, other times I don’t realize it until I’m out of control. Recently, even while maintaining compliance with my medications, my mood swings have become rapid and extreme. They used to progress slowly over days, weeks, or months at a time. I have now experienced multiple swings throughout the week, sometimes throughout the day. During these rapid extremes are when I lose the most control and act the most irrationally.

I sometimes find myself yearning for the days before diagnosis. Before I overanalyzed everything I did and said, before my family watched me like a hawk and constantly brought up my moods or asked if I’ve taken my medicine that day. I need help coping with Bipolar, but when does coping turn into coddling? I understand my family wants me to be ok and I want them to help me; unfortunately I snap in to defense mode when they question my actions or medication usage. I feel them tip-toeing around me most times, afraid of potential reactions to questions or situations. I want to open the door to better communication with them; however, up until this moment, I feared the vulnerability that comes with exposure. How can I ask for their help if I am afraid of letting them in?