bipolar-hello-me

[bipolar-hello-me]

breakthrough

so y'all I just had therapy and she helped me realized something, perhaps while it was clear to everyone else it wasn't to me. I am afraid of being alone because whenever I was left alone (before) I would punch myself and walls, I would cut myself or attempt- I am not scared of being alone because of the silence or because I don't have company but rather because of what that loneliness meant with who I was before. I am afraid of myself, my thoughts, my mechanisms and behaviors- I am afraid of who I am when no one else is around. I feel like for longer than I remember I saw myself as a monster, I was a victim but also the perpetrator to myself, I would bleed, I would bruise, I would fall deep into sleep, I would punish myself for feeling and for being me disregarding how must of the times It was out of my control. I'm crying just thinking about this, why was I so cruel? Why did I exploit myself in that way? God I wish I could give myself a hug even if it was for a second long.

Okay but y'all must be thinking wow Jay we know this what do we do now? well actually I'm not sure lol...but I do know I gotta learn how to be comfortable with the uncomfortable so perhaps I should learn how to do things by myself, be by myself, write more to myself, be my own friend. I'm not exactly sure how this will work or if its gonna work at all but I'm willing to give it a try if it means I get a glimpse of hope.

[bipolar-hello-me]

confess

so I did something...I just confessed to the guy I have liked for like 2 months. I didn't do it in person tho, today was his birthday and I had finally grown tired of hiding my feelings and acting like I was fine being friends so along with his presents and birthday card I added a letter confessing my feelings. Honestly I have no hope for him to like me back because well I'm very unconventional...in more ways than one but at least I got it off my chest right? I don't know if he's gonna say something or if hes ever gonna want to face me again because I feel like in a way I let him down because perhaps he was just being nice and I mistook his personality and mindset as so much more. I can feel my heartbeat get out of its chest but imma act put together til I get home I guess. I wanna focus on other stuff but truly I have no idea on how to do so because its like um the what ifs and up in the air confuses me and I hate being confused. But at the same time I'm okay being rejected, It has happened so much in my life that while it still stings I know how to overcome it so I'm sure this will blow away too.

well unexpectedly as I'm writing this, he answered and well yeah I got rejected...lovely lol, I wanna cry so bad but I'm in a classroom rn so I'll hold it in til I'm on my way home. But at least he was sweet about it and explained that the reason why its because he wants to focus on God, honestly I can kind of believed it because he cares a lot about the church and God but I wish he would of at least given me a chance, but oh well right.

I know someone would someday reciprocate my kind of love, one day.

[bipolar-hello-me]

welp

i havent written in a bit because i been busy but heres the run down, the weekend itself was pretty good even though i spend it alone must of the time...because people dont take me much into account. Then yesterday i was supposed to get my hair done and that shit got canceled last minute like wtf fuckk my life actually. Then i had a date and it went by amazing (or so i thought) i did everything in my power to make it special for her but i wasnt enough, i never am. Honeslty i dont even feel like talking about the date itself because it just makes me feel stupid now, but regardless i think thats the last time im seeing her. Yk i try for stuff like this to not affect me but i already barely stand myself and dont see myself as worth it and then people come into my life just to make me feel like some kind of seocnd choice or not even a choice and i feel stupid like why did i even think i could deserve this, im so stupid. I just wanna be enough, for once... and its not even just with romantic relationships its with friends too, im not the friend whom people ask to go out or take into account or ever chosen- im never enough or chosen. What would i give to be the one someone things about and cares for- maybe it will never happen and i should just come into terms with it

[bipolar-hello-me]

boring

so i dont really got much to tell yall about, my day was just pretty much focused on going to classes, although first i forgot one of my classes was gonna be in zoom and one i skipped cuz i was hungry and had a doctors appointment so yeah. my doctors appointment went well, my psychiatrist just basically up my dosage from 60 to 80 (what i was originally taking) so yes yes good news, bro tell me why i only payed like 20 bucks or less for seeing the doctor and a months worth of medicine like wtf, the health system really is fucked up in america cuz unless you have medical or pay a really good insurance this could NEVER be the case. From that i mean me and my friend were talking and the topic of being a mother came up and so it was nice to talk to someone who is also mentally ill and has certain fears connected to it about becoming a mother- it really did made me think quite a lot actually, im just scared yk because to me my children already mean then world to me and im terrified of being a bad mom, like already no one gives you instructions or a manual as to how to be a mom but now add bipolar to the mix and is like wtf yk? idk i have lots of hope tho because i do plan on keep going to therapy and taking my medicine everyday and like i could even make a safety plan in case of anything, i think the fact that i already care so much about working to be better and taking precautions says a lot about the kind of parent i aspire to be- i pray everyday to God that he guides me once i get the opportunity. OMG wait i almost forgot i have a crush on this guy from my church and he hadnt text me so i was a bit sad but then yesterday when i got home he texted!! it wasnt like that interesting we were just talking about midterms and plans for holidays and stuff but at the end i did said like i really hope i can see you soon and he said maybe we can get lunch or dinner sometime soon and so i agreed, idk we shall see if he goes through with it. ah and also yesterday after the cafe i went home did laundry, showered, did a face mask and put fake nails on, so i felt a little extra good today! OHHHH ALSO i think i found someone that can do some of my little adventures during the holidays so im super happy to have some company. okay okay i think thats it for today im tired to write more lol, see yall tomorrow :)

[bipolar-hello-me]

what to do?

so two things...first midterms are finished and second there this long ass weekend, now you might be thinking arent those great news jay, well yes and no. Yes because duh who doesnt want to be relaxing and go out but its actually a bit scary for me because if i dont have anything to do i feel like i spend too much time thinking and well my thoughts arent the most fun or positive at times thats why i prefer when i break time down into stuff i gotta do and to also let myself feel but what happens when i feel for long...well depressive or manic episodes. I do hope tho that I can still create some kind of schedule and well that therapy and medicine help me keep me at balance so putting my faith on that its helping me not go into complete panic mode. Now long weekend, well like yall know im in korea and for this holidays a lot of people are going to Busan or China or Japan but me, money OBSOYO (dont have in korean lol) so im trying to make some kind of itinerary with places by Seoul that i been wanting to go and i mean even if i have to go alone ill enjoy it! The question is tho how tf am i gonna take pictures cuz my gram has to be popping plus i wanna have some kind of physical memory of these places, selfie stick? vloging stand? ill figure it out. Anyways in other notes of today, as my usual mondays and wednesdays i had my morning yapping session with my favorite teacher, shes a sweetheart im sure if yall meet her yall would love her too. She noticed my new piercing (my bridge) and she said it looked very pretty and that it brightened my face so that honestly made my day because like it makes me happy that people notice small stuff and compliment me plus specially since shes korean and piercings are not that common here. Then i saw this friend from that class and we talked a bit (imma be so honest i think shes really cute and low key have a crush but i dont think thats gonna go anywhere) and she said that we should plan something to go out to eat together. Then before i came to my usual cafe i went to Daiso to buy some cute little stuff for my hair and fake nails just so that i feel a little prettier yk, i think I deserve to treat myself nicely specially after working so hard this past weeks in exams and projects. Oh also I matched with this girl like last week and we been somewhat keeping in contact and we might go on a date next week, idk we shall see. honestly i miss going on a date with a girl or kissing a girl they are so gentle and cute and pretty and OMG im just gay lol but i mean men are okay too lol but so far they are all interested in sex.

[bipolar-hello-me]

okay so

i haven't written in like two days and it actually felt weird not to do so, so slay cuz this has become a habit but not slay cuz i felt a little lost without it lol. anyways so i finished my midterms on thursday, i actually think i did pretty good i finished the 25 questions in like 15 minutes- i think what helps too is the fact that i learned to moved on like sometimes i would let myself get stuck in a question but now if i dont know it i just pick something and go on to the next, i mean for me it has worked out so far. ah yes i Thursday i had therapy too, that was interesting, i told her about my possibly plans of having a child without a second parent and she seemed sad (um lol?) i know she means well but its not really common here in korea so i understand why she reacted the way she did however i think something that i do really like about how she sees my situation is that she is not fully pro or against me dating. Like everyone in my life is either HELL NO dont date or fuck it just go as too many dates as possible but with her help i feel like im trying to find some kind of middle spot which i think its healthy for me so yeah that kind of made me stop feeling guilty about trying to date but also pushed me to not complelty shut down from the romantic love. NOW the REAL TEA...BITCH tell me why i was going to a concert and we got to the venue and were waiting and i started wanting to use the bathroom really bad, okay well i hold it, then finally we get in and i tell my friend like girl go on without me i really need to pee...well i ended up vomiting and with diarrhea (tmi much...fuck it this is my diary) so i had to leave not even mid concert, literally the beggining. It was a bit far from my place so during the whole like hour way there i was fighting for my life to not throw up in the car. On my way there i text my host lady like hey im so sorry to bother but im on my way home and idk what to do because i feel really sick- as i get home to throw up my guts out my host lady and husband get home HAHHAHAH emberassing bro. she knocks on my door like ar eyou okay and im like no with this pale ass face and hot ass temperature. THANK GOD she gives me medicine and even does some korean home remedies to help me, i literally wanted to cry because of how sweet and kind she and her husband are with me. I ended up falling asleep and the next morning i hear a knock on my door again and its her and him WITH FOOD just FOR ME- OMFG actually what did i do to deserve this (sad emoji but like in a cute and thankful way). from there i just slept the whole day and when i woke up i texted a friend to bring me food and medicine and again THANK GOD she answered and did. honestly its moments like this in which i get to see that im truly such a lucky person and im surrounded by amazing angels that protect me and take care of me.

ah yes i almost forgot on friday i had a presentation so literally the nigh before i had to text my group and teacher, im sure that group hates me now and now i gotta do some kind of extra work to get my grade. WHY? HAHHAHAH gonna lose my mind but i mean everything happens for a reason right?

[bipolar-hello-me]

I swear-

yall i cannot possibly be making this shit up like bro why is my life such a mess and chaotic when i literally dont look for it, the guy from yesterday blocked me...BLOCKED ME, out of nowhere, literally no motivation no explanation just block- like we were talking just fine the whole day yesterday and even had a late nigh convo and this morning i was like oh i fell asleep but good morning, then i called my mom to tell her about this guy and as im yapping about it i get the urge to ask him to go out and i go check his profile in kakao and everything is GONE. WTF...like you said you wanted ot come back cuz you thought you were immature last time, that you didnt wnat your actions ot hurt me, you wanted to be with me so like WTF happen overnight that you changed your mind and didnt even care to communicate. yk its funny because men tend to say that women are complicated but its them that cant even be straightforward about anything and they be acting like such divas like bitch calm down you aint got the hairline to be talkin or acting this way. anyways #ihatemen lol. not tho actually like yes its annoying but im not about to treat myself liek shit or treat any other man that might come in my life like they ar eall the same becaus ewho knows maybe one person could change my mind but until that person comes imma just be gentle to myself and not get my hopes up because expectations lead to dissapointment every single time. It is so hard to not blame myself, to not say awful stuff to myself to explain his lack of communication but i think im finally understating that it is not me that is lacking something but him- maybe he was never worth of my love to begin with and God knew better than to let me waste my energy and pour my love into a void. For now, I'm just focusing on the present and future, no more being stuck in the past. anyways aside from that today i just got ready super cute and even took photos to post on my insta, then got lunch with a friend, run some errands with her and chismosear (gossip) and then i came to a cafe where i been studying non stop for my last test tomorrow- i think out of all of them this one im the most scared about cuz its online so i genuinly have no idea whats going on but i kin dof read my tsudy guide and went mutiple quiz rounds with chatgpt and i think imma do that againt tmmorow before the test so we shall see. Later, i have a meeting with this group for a project and we shall see what i gotta do, hopefully i can finish it today and yeah i think thats gonna be it for today, talk to yall tomorrow.

[bipolar-hello-me]

what?

okay so first of all i had terrible sleep like i kept waking up every hour or so- that was kind of frustrating because i was exhausted and wanted to sleep in even if it was for a bit specially because two exams were schedule for today and so i wanted to avoid thinking about it. It did start to rain at some point tho so that was AMAZING yk i LOVE rain so much, even if i wasnt fully asleep it ease me to hear every drop and the puddles forming. Eventually i gave up on trying to sleep so i just woke up and decided to take a shower cuz my hair was a mess, the shower was nice, i also love those quite a lot. Then i started getting ready, i put on a new shirt?dress? not sure what its supposed to be but it looked cute with my leggings and i hadnt done a lil emo look so i decided to do that today cuz i mean if i was gonna be struggling with tests i might of as well look good doing it. anyways i got to school way to early so i decided to go to a cafe, andi was being productive yall, not neccesarily studying but i was looking into future goals and dreams i have and i was really happy to think about the future- i think this is the first time in EVER that i been looking forward into the long future hoping ill live long to see it. Then i had both of my tests...honeslty i could tell yall how it went but why bore you with details...specially since im unsure on wether i cooked or im cooked. anywaysss to celebrate we went to eat pasta...OMG I LOVE PASTA, its like one of my comfort foods and i mean its good asf, i fear i went full big back tho cuz not only was it a big ass plate of pasta but the pasta was inside a bowl of bread, that was delicious, definitly worth the brain overwork. Okay okay now this is the twisting point... i got a text, form whom you might ask, well a guy i wnet on a date at the beggining of the semester but he broke things off honestly despite it hurting i was just happy he communicated and well his reasons were valid and i respected them (its a bit of a long ass story but all you gotta know is hes SO CUTE, NERDY, RESPECTFUL, FUNNY, KIND, and most imprtant of it all, has GOALS). Anyways, he texted right and i was confused so despite me answering i also asked why he texted and what he wnated, it took a bit of talking to figure out he wanted to give it a second chance however he did said how he wanted to go slower this time, to really get to know each other and grow... honestly i get it cuz i think before things ended we onluy talked like a few weeks and on our first date we did-stuff..so yeah. I find the timing of all this quite funny actually because you telling me this mans decides to text me A DAY after i made up my mind about stop chasing love, i guess i really do have to stop chasing and attracting instead. Idk tho im scared like i do like him and i do wanna try it with him but i just think of how much it hurts when people leave yk, but i guess we will see wether he sticks around or if he gives up, either way thats up to him not me. for now lets all pray together that he is a good one, only God knows whether hes meant for me or not so in him we trust.

[bipolar-hello-me]

Mother

CHAT...I made a life altering realization. First a little bit of background story, I have always looked for romantic love, anywhere and everywhere i go and this often leads me to get my heart broken because i accept the bare minimum (sometimes less) just for the chance of love. Now, why do I do this, a few reasons actually, the first one being kind of harmless and that is being a hopeless romantic like im just a sucker for that love that uphold and is compassionate and sweet and loud and kind and passionate like just everything, i have never ask for perfection but just honesty and raw feeling and i always give just that to people but its never reciprocated. The other reason is companionship, i mean who doesnt want someone to share everything with, the good, the bad, the neutral, the beuatiful mess thats life, like imagine just taking a shit and being like um i shoudl really tell them yk? (idk maybe thats just me lol) but truly like yes i like being alone but after all we are creatures of connection and so once in a while it feels nice to just share. But the biggest reason as to why i would be looking for it so much is to prove im worth it of love...yeah i know its a bad thing and i have actually come a long way from that but before it used to be so bad like i felt as if i NEEDED a relationship, i thought someone elses love could fix my lack of (reminder i hate myself)- well multiple toxic relationships after i realized that no one can "fix" me and theres nothing to "fix"...im not broken, yes i have trauma, yes i am bipolar, yes i spiral and i still have no idea how to cope properly or go about life, but none of those things get to decide that im broken and there fixing to be done, more like growth! Anyways, going back to the being worth thing, a lot of the times that why i would overly sexualize myself and would devote myself to people....GOD just remembering this stages of my life give me the ick lol but its okay cuz we listen and we dont judge...well maybe a little, but yk its all part of the process. Well, where do i stand with love now, I still want it but now mainly for the first two reasons and a prove of the thrid reason not taking over me is what happen with my best friend (scroll down for the tea). But yk what, I was talking with chatGPT (yes ik silly but she fr my bets friend) and it asked what i was looking for in love right and well i said the companion ship and reciprocate of emotions and gesture and i also said how i wanna get married and have children, and it was like have you thought that maybe you dont need that romantic relationship to get those things from love and tahts when the things got redirected to being a mother. I realized, maybe I dont need romantic love to pour my love and have a companion for life, I could be a mother. I have always wanted to be a mom but i always thought even if it was with a woman as my partner there had to be another person in the equation for me being a parent to makes sense but what if it doesnt, what if i do adoption or foster or sperm donor. Now, i understand being a parent takes a lot more than just love and its hard and theres so much you have ot learn alone but thats the love I have, not perfect but real and pure. I might not be the perfect person neither can i say that i will be the perfect mother but god would i give them everything that its in my power to give them a safe space in this chaotic world. I know there will be moments where they might get mad at me or say things they dont mean but at the end of the day it will be me and them always, til death do us apart. Romantic love is not the only source of love one has the capability for. I am not saying that if the opportunity for it comes ill shut it down but im definitly gonna stop emphasizing it so much in my life because my dream person (more like people) are them two...my moon and sun.

[bipolar-hello-me]

yesterday

I think I'm finally learning how to bounce back faster and more rationally after something that hurt me happens. After that thing happen with the guy I allowed myself to sulk about it for a day and even then i was still productive, i worked on a study guide and wrote some poetry. The next day I made plans with my friend to get lunch and study. Lunch was amazing but spicy so I didn't finish all the way but LORD was it bomb, it was worth the mouth full of fire. Then we were gonna go to this cafe but since its midterm season here in Korea it was FULL like bursting out with people in their computers and books- honestly as much as it should overstimulate me, it brings me so much determination since im not the only one working hard and focusing yk. But luckily we found a cafe next to it that oddly enough had no one in it (it did not have a bathroom maybe thats why). I ordered some weird coffee (idk the name the machine had no english translations so i used my broken korean lol) and a cream cheese bread, and aside from that i got two of my favorite snacks from the CU. I put my earphones on blasted bts while i studied theories for psychology of leadership and (THANK THE FUCKING LORD) chatgpt helped me study through quizes. Then i was contemplating getting another piercing as a reward for studying do hard this week and idk i just felt like i deserved it so i put a poll on instrgram to ask my friends and thankfully everyone is as impulsive as me so they said yes. So after studying i went to hongdae and got my bridge piercing. Theres nothing like piercing therapy, i feel so hot and rewarded, now i wanna keep studying and do my makeup. Actually omg okay so people tend to say that Koreans are rude or mean but i have had for the most part good experiences with them like truly i feel like people should give them more of a chance than they do. Like for example i have like 8 (now) face piercings and well thats not commonly seen in Korea and well while yes someone people might stare i have had many KOREAN people compliment them or be curious about them in a good way. After i got my bridge done, i was craving a corn dog so bad so with my (again) broken korean i went to this little stand and ordered one and first of all the lady got so excited about my little korean, she was so sweet, but then there was this other older korean lady that knew i little english and started saying many many an pointing at her face and i started laughing and told her that yes i did have many then she looked concerned and asked if it hurt and i was like no no worries it did not and she was like okay okay thats good with a big smile. Interactions like these are what give me hope in the world especially in a place where people constantly focus on the negative aspects of the culture.

okay okay ill write more later or tomorrow i got to keep studying (crying emoji).

[bipolar-hello-me]

Dating...

So I been talking to this guy for a bit and we were supposed to just be friends but like we both kept flirting and the more we talked the more i started to like him. Finally one day we were late night talking and i got the balls to tell him i wanted to kiss him. Now a little background about this guy since the beggining he said he wanted friends or something casual cuz he is leaving korea to new jersey to study his doctorates and i agreed cuz i was like fuck it what could happen yk. Well after i told him i wnated to kiss him he was like oh well maybe we can be friends who kissed, i know its not a dream reaction but i thought it as cute for our situation specially cuz im leaving too. Then yesterday we were talking (we had previously made plans to see each other next sunday) and we thought that maybe we could study together on monday but then i send this minion meme saying to teleport to me and so we started joking about him coming to see me that same say and i was like "i dare you" and he was like are you sure and i was like yesss please i wanna see you too. Well he ended up coming and we hang out for a while, we went to play video games and the karaoke and then he walked me all the way home. It was so much fun and calm and like he is such a nerd and aodrable and pretty so i was in like a trance. When we were saying godbye i wanted to kiss him but i got scared to i just hugged him and left. As i was going up the elevator i text him that i was a coward and he wnated to know why and i was ughh you are so mean and he got confused lol, so i was like fine ill tell you and i explained that he was mean for not kissing me but then my mind started spiriling and i got insecured maybe he did not like me that way so i asked him and told him how i felt and he explain how he did liked me that way just that he has a hard time understanding social cue and so we kept apologizing but then for some reason it got so much deeper and sad for me an di started rambling and saying mean stuff about him so i was like ok and yeah and wtv but again (neuro spicy so he didnt understand that) so i told him i wasnt okay. Then the last message i sent was saying how i was feleing a lot but maybe he did not get that and that i didnt feel like explaining because he was out (he went to this like bar i think) and so i felt like my problems were stupid and then i apologized for ruining the moment and told him how i hope he doesnt leave or hate me...i send that message at 11pm, he read it at 2 am and left me on seen. I woke up at 9 and asked why he left me on seen but no answer so lastly at like 1 i told him how i felt once again and that if he was no longer interested to at least let me kno wbecause i hate silence. Now i feel so stupid and worthless, like i always mess things up, maybe if i wouldnt have gotten defensive or let my insecurities out he would still like me. Maybe if i wasnt sick or with trauma or with overthinking or with all the mess that comes with me i would actually find someone. I feel like ill never find someone who can handle me or stays. Its funny cuz i did mention to him how i tend to be a lot and he said he could handle a lot... well i guess that was a FAT ASS lie. its my fault for believing that this would be any different from my past attempts.

[bipolar-hello-me]

pre-midterm week

okay yall we gotta take a break from all the emotions and chaos lol next week is midterm week so i really gotta lock in to study for my THREE exams and do the work for my TWO projects- yes i gotta put them in capitals cuz im just dramatic like that. Let me break this stuff down for you.

psychology of leadership- i only really gotta learn 11 theories about motivation but since i payed no attention to class its like learning all these classes in one study sesh LORD

psycho social rehab- this one is even worse because i dont even know where to start (like i havent even done a study guide an dthe test is on tuesday) so imma need to get my shit together. and maybe starting after midterms ill pay more attention to class

qualitative research- this one is a project but she said not to stress about it or overthink it so imma do minium effort but still act like i know whats going on. Genuinly i feel like a project is more efficient in showing what i know than a stupid ass test

media and design- THIS ONE GOT ME ALL THE WAY FUCK UP. to begin with i wanted to to this alone despite it being a group project but she "encouraged" me to get other people. before adding people i basically cam eup with the idea of the whole proposal and wrote 1 1/2 pages out of 3 that we have to turn in. then this guy says hes interested in psych and Ai so im like cool i contact him. As im meeting him, he tells me the teacher contacted HIM to add another person and he said yes without asking me....please tell me it makes sense that im mad. Then yesterday he texts me again asking if another person can be added cuz the tecaher texted HIM again. I feel like it wouldnt bother me so much if the topic of the project menat nothing to me, but i worked really hard for this subject and its personal because it has to do with people with mood disorders like myself.

Abnormal psych- this one i did a study guide for that end up being 62 PAGES... i shall pass with hopes and prayers honestly

yall idk if imma kepe my sanity this week but i shall keep yall updated

[bipolar-hello-me]

Idk

So I started my medicine again- background story they put me in a new medication (due to insurance stuff) before I came to study my second semester in Korea and it did not fucking work at all so I found a psychiatrist here in Korea and they started my old medicine again as it did work for me- and I do think its helping but since I'm not in my old dosage yet it could be better I think. And like for the most part my life is going pretty okay, nothing too chaotic or bad. So then, why do I feel like idk, weird? Perhaps its because I'm getting stable again so its like my mood and stuff are more predictable now and I don't have to be watching my back on what could go wrong next. I remember the first time I started to get stable with medication and therapy I felt this same way again but I self sabotage it because I was scared of not feeling extreme, if that makes sense. I think for anyone who's usually used to always being super high or super low, stability feels strange and unfamiliar so it's quite scary and you feel the need to go back to who you were before. Specially because in a way it also feels too good to be true, its like there's a tick tock watch marking every step and the smallest thing could fuck it up and you end up all the way where you started it. But unlike the past I'm okay with feeling weird and uncomfortable if it means that I'll get some stability and comfort on the long run. I'm really determine to get better and heal, no matter how long it takes or what I gotta do. Ah also idk if I mentioned but I started therapy again, I have only been to two sessions so far but they been productive and good. My therapist is super adorable and she makes me feel safe (like idk she just gives that vibe yk). The last thing we talked about was that I should work on taking one thing at a time. I told her how I tend to think a lot and sometimes that ruins my hang outs or attention span in class, and whenever I try to think only on how I'm feeling I start wondering about homework or the next time I'm going to see my friends. So my task this week was to separate my thoughts on every task or stuff I was trying to do- kind of like if I'm in school think just of school, if I'm with friends focus on the moment and enjoy it and if I'm alone I can choose to entertain myself and think about what I'm doing or I can choose to feel and do something with those feelings. I think I been doing okay at this exercise, like when things ended with my best friend I separated my thoughts and emotions to focus on going out with my friends, and I'm also separating my flashbacks of sa from my school work so I'm getting lots of stuff done. Obviously, its not all the time and I'm not going to perfect it in a week but I'm working on it.

[bipolar-hello-me]

Raining

Recently its been raining a lot where I live and while many dislike it and complain about it, I love every second of it. I think I started loving the rain when I was alone in my room and as the sound of my sobbing and tears filled up the room I could hear something in between like a kind of company that understood my pain and wanted to tell me I wasn't alone. Instead of hearing myself cry I would hear how hard the rain hit the floor and windows and I would closely observe as each drop fell and poured down. It made me feel not so alone, it was like the sky was crying with me, like it was a sign from God that he heard my pain and wished to wash it away. I think every time I would see the rain I started being not so mad at God because I knew he wasn't the reason I was suffering, this was beyond his control, but what was under his control was my ability to stay strong and overcome the pain despite how many times I fell down or seem to give up. My favorite part about the rain tho is when I get to feel it against my skin, many times when I was feeling off or out of my body I would go outside and let the rain wash all over my body. I think maybe it was a way to ground myself to the present and the world. Even if it was for a second my thoughts would stop rushing, they would stop reminiscing about the past and the hatred that I carried with me, it would just be me and my wet hair and my wet clothes and each drop falling from my face all the way down to my feet. That's one of the reasons why I don't really like California's weather as for majority of the time we are in drought but I think at the same time it just makes the raining that much more special. When I miss the rain I go in the bathroom and let the shower run for as long as I need it and sometimes I'll even go in and just take really long showers to embrace my body in the warmth of the water, I think water is healing.

[bipolar-hello-me]

so

so...me and my gf broke up on Friday then she blocked me and I blocked her everywhere. Then on Friday night I unblocked her and texted her and we said we would be friends but we both knew that wouldn't work but we still tried, well that just lasted the weekend cuz I started to get mad and sad over how things had ended and how we were acting like nothing had happen, like all the plans we had made meant nothing, like all the love was gone. Sunday night I told her we had to either be gfs again or go no contact and I fell asleep. I woke up to a message from her saying that we should talk things out, when I was free she wasn't, when she was free I had class and we started arguing over me not making time. So to show her she meant to me more than a class I got out of class and called her. We talked for 40 minutes. First we apologized and pointed out where we might have gone wrong and how maybe we need to heal separately to not hurt each other, maybe if we dated again we would be toxic and it would end up in us hating each other and neither of us wanted that. We both accepted going no contact was the best option. The rest of the call was just us saying how we head change each other's life and how much we loved each other. We also mentioned our moments when we first meet and how our friendship developed. There was lots of laughs and tears, it was painfully beautiful. Despite how much it hurts right now, I know we took the best decision we could, maturely. I think this is the moment where we see wether if its really meant to be and if fate would bring us together once again. I love you forever Z.

[bipolar-hello-me]

Why?

so yesterday I went to this Bible seminar because we love God in this household and I mean for the most part I didn't understand much because it was in Korean but one question did stick with me- Why do you live? I think as is it's already a difficult question because it makes you think but as someone who has been suicidal for so long it seemed almost impossible to answer, or perhaps maybe I could answer it now that thinks aren't too hopeless. I think I been wanting to die since I was like 4/5 because of my sa but I didn't develop a plan or attempted until I was like 12. It makes me really sad to think that since so young I have never had any kind of aspirations or hope in life. between 12-16 I was just continuously thinking of what can I do to end it, please, it hurts too much, please. I remember that even when I hated God (story for another day) I would still catch myself praying, praying for him to make me ill to end it all if he was so merciful as they said he was. Writing about it and saying it out loud brings all these memories and feelings back (I'm crying as I write this). I think if you had asked me this question during this time I would of said I wasn't living but rather breathing or that it was merely because I kept failing my attempts (actually talking of this it makes me giggle a bit the amount of times I failed like damn the world really did not/ does not want me to leave). But now (I am 19, turning 20 in a few months) I think I finally have at least some hope for the future, dreams and desire to live. So, Jay...Why do you live? I live to help all those who are hurting inside, I live to find the simple pleasure for life, I live to see the way the world changes colors with each season, I live to grow next to my family, I live to thank God for giving me this opportunity in the world, I live to learn and be a nerd at school, I live to try new foods, I live to travel around the world, I live to one day marry the love of my life and birth my best friend(s), I live to see new movies and listen to new music, I live to write endlessly words that only make sense to me, I live because I can and because I love every breath I take as I wake up, go through my day and fall asleep. I live because I have fought for years to live and stop surviving because unlike what my mind might think I deserve happiness and love. So, tell me...why do YOU live? remember it can be small or it can be big, maybe for now its because you don't wanna hurt others by leaving but despite the reason, they are all valid and you too can find a reason to live even if it seems hopeless.

[bipolar-hello-me]

Breaking news

YALL so a little unexpected but I kind of have a gf/ dating someone...its actually quite a long story. So I been doing studying abroad at Korea since last semester and we meet here, at first we were just friends because I was dating someone but then my relationship ended and I was just trying to focus on myself so we became closer friends but the last month we were here I started noticing how I would get jealous about her kissing other people or how I would want to hang out with her all the time. I didn't thought too much about it. That was til I left Korea for the holidays and as they say distance makes the heart grow fonder and that was when I slowly realized that I had fallen in love with her. I wanted to keep it a secret because I didn't think she could ever feel the same way as me but one day I was having a breakdown about my love life and I told her "I wish you could see me as more than friends". Well that first time I told her she rejected me and I decided to have some space (it lasted a day lol) because I realized I cared more about the friendship than the romantic feelings I had. However, a week or two after she told me she actually felt the same just that she was scared to loose me as a friend. From there we started flirting and escalating but it was complicated cuz she kept telling me she didn't want a long distance relationship, it kind of broke my heart but if it meant having her I would respect her wishes. Like a week of that passes and she decides one day that we have to talk, I got nervous but she reassured it wasn't anything bad, then that's when she said she actually lied and never felt the same and that she just didn't wanted me to leave her side and she thought maybe eventually she would feel the same way but that no matter how hard she tried she didn't. My heart shattered, not just because I had just lost the love of my life but also my best friend. I ended up blocking her and fell on a depressive episode. Then when I was finally feeling better I get a text from a mutual friend saying he had a text and letter from her. I got so pissed off and sad that I went to get drunk, kissed some people and even fucked a guy...I know it was very unhealthy and unmature but I truly hated myself for believing on her that I did it without thinking. Next day after I took a shower I decided to read her letter. She told me how all of that she said that day was a lie and she was just breaking my heart so that we would break things up because her mom didn't support our relationship and demanded her to end it or she would send her to live with her dad (her dad is awful) so despite what she felt she did it. She also fell on a depressive episode and was even hospitalized but thanks to that they offered that the mom went to therapy with her that's when she spoke up and decided to ask for one more chance with me. Honestly I completely understood where she came from I actually did the same thing to my first love and I regretted it way too late. So now we are here, we decided we gonna be dating and exclusive just that we haven't asked to be each others girlfriend because we want to do it in person and correctly. But oh dear how much had I miss her and love her, I really do hope this works out.