birchatthecrossroads

[birchatthecrossroads]

Unacknowledged

Your laugh out-flashes crashes of thunder as we dance and splash as crazed in the rain. Souls coincide, eyes grow in wide wonder. We each agree; never dream to refrain.

Clearly we see a destiny intertwined. A forlorn storm fades as gray turns to blue. Much like steam the dream clears and time unwinds. Oh, never mind I never did find you.

Time's unkind scribes kept our lives misaligned. No planned nor chance happenstance destiny. Our fate evades the greatest plays to find that lightning spark. Apart, us is not we.

Knowing it never was, I can only yearn. With all my love, to whom it may concern.

[birchatthecrossroads]

Cage Match

At the time, I lived on a mountain

on the date in question there was a tornado in the world below

Up in my geological tower, I knew I was safe. Still, that evening I watched a lightning-streaked sky turn a thousand shades of violet.

The rest of this tale takes place after the storm wound down to a breeze, but I like to imagine it still under nature's light show, & I'm telling the tale so that's the path in which I'll guide you.

It's important to note that I had pigeons. It was a bit of an emergency move onto the property so the pigeon tower was modified from a three sided 10x5x7 chicken wire structure that was already there. Not ideal, but it worked. Quetzalcoatl & Ishtar shared a wall with the house, more specifically with my bedroom window. When I slept, they slept a few feet away.

It was maybe three in the morning when my bladder demanded attention. I completed its quest, & semi-somnambulant, I returned to bed, like you do.

I heard crunching coming from the bird's tower & my first thought was “the pigeons sure do chew loudly”.

My second thought was “pigeons don't chew”.

I shined a handy flashlight into the darkened cage, startling the opossum ingesting the contents of what passed for a nest.

(Pigeons: I love them, but architects they are not.)

At the speed of thought I made a plan, amended it, & went with the new plan.

I leapt from my bed, grabbed my bedside cup of water & reached not for the actual sword hanging on the wall, but the wooden one instead (the aforementioned amendment).

In moments I was outside, sprinting around the house, clad only in boxer shorts like the nerdiest barbarian, weapon in one hand, water in the other.

I thought the tower was predator proof, despite the door being incomplete. At that time it consisted of plywood held up against the roost via the heavy pallet leaning against it. It did the job and was easy enough to remove, but not as fast as a proper door.

I tossed the water through the wire wall as I rushed towards the entrance, stunning the thief for those critical moments. I tossed the barricade aside and entered the open portal, sword in hand & poised for battle.

You see, I empathised with my foe. I knew they acted without malicious intent, but merely did what they needed to do to survive. Despite this, I could not allow this to continue. I needed them gone, & to know how they got in.

In less than a minute, I went from semi-sleep to a cage match with a wild beast under a purple lightning sky. I'm sure the fight music was just in my head.

My opponent tried to get through the open door, but I didn't allow it. With sword & body I blocked the obvious exit. I was surprised at how kitten-soft its fur was in the struggle.

Eventually, they showed me the space where the frame didn't quite meet the house as solidly as I had thought. A flaw easily corrected with a sandbag.

And so I stood that night beneath an alien sky

sadly, both eggs were lost.

My foe fled, never to be seen again.

Victory, but at what cost?

[birchatthecrossroads]

How I became a stray.

7, August, 2024

We rarely get to learn it, but every stray has an origin story. I'll tell you mine as best as I can, but fair warning. There's a whole lot of heavy hard stuff here. Probably not as bad as you're imagining at this point, it's bad enough. It's been on my mind because of my CPTSD therapy. It's also almost certainly not the whole story. I've got trauma responses that suggest that there's more I don't remember or maybe blocked out. There's a thousand little stories between the cracks here, but when painting a picture, you work on the background first. This is that. Names have been changed.

I wasn't around for the first parts, what I know is from detective work. I think Marie was fourteen when she met her pimp, Will. I know she was sixteen when she married him. They lived in a trailer in Marie's mother's yard and fought often. It was a life of sex, drugs, and rock & roll.

Three significant things happened in the five or six years before the divorce. She became pregnant by Will, resulting in me coming into the world a week after Marie's 20th birthday. While she was pregnant, she was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. Also, she met & became romantically involved with a client named Walter.

Will left after the divorce, he'd be out of the story for decades. Walter raised me.

My earliest memory of Walter started with me crying hard, my fingers tingled and it was hard to breath. It was a full-blown panic attack. Walter was screaming at my mother in the kitchen down the hall. When he stormed in, grabbed my arm and dragged me to see her, she was crying hard, standing at the kitchen table. The M.S. Was in it's early stages, so she could still stand, but she needed to lean on it for support. He told me it was my fault she was crying. I believed him. That's where the memory ends.

Incidences like that happened maybe once a week for the first 18+ years of my life. He'd separate us into different rooms. Scream at me for a while, he'd raise his fist to me, tell me how awful I am, how everything was my fault. How I'd never amount to anything. Then he'd go scream at my mother while I dissociated, hyperventilated, did my best to recover, then he'd be back while my mother recovered. Back and forth back and forth.

It would start for any reason at any time. Early morning, late night, mid day. Anything would set him off. Blow-ups like that would happen because someone cut him off in traffic, because someone looked at him wrong in the super market, or because I left my toys out, I needed glasses, because I was weird (no one knew I was autistic). If I misbehaved, he'd explode at us. If I did good, he'd explode at us, grasping at whatever loose thread he could find to unravel me completely. I learned that everything was my fault, nothing I did mattered.

Even when calm, if my mother wasn't around he would tell me that I wasn't wanted. That he was stuck putting up with me so he could be with her, that he couldn't wait for me to move out so he could have his girlfriend all to himself. My mother would confide in me that she was just with him so I could have a father. I didn't have the heart to tell them.

After the screaming fits, the breaking things, the slamming doors, sometimes he'd take all the cash he could find in the house and take off for a few days, & I'd have to take care of my disabled mother. Usually they'd disappear into the bedroom & I'd be alone.

After, usually a day or two after, he'd call a family meeting & apologize. We'd forgive him & group hug. I was maybe six when I figured out that apologies were meaningless. Mom & I would walk on eggshells, anticipating the next explosion, the next bad day, the next long night, the next apology. To this day, I don't like group hugs.

Early on I learned to keep my head down and mouth shut, disappearing was the best way to put off setting him off. Don't make noise, not ever. When the eruption started, I'd have to face it alone, recover alone. I thought all this was normal. I was specifically told not to make friends, I had no basis for comparison. Especially during my grade school years. We moved four times and I attended five schools before we moved to the trailer park at the end of fifth grade.

I graduated high school on a Friday. My parents told me I could take the weekend and have fun, but on Monday I had to find my own place. That they were done raising me.

I told them I'd move in with a friend they didn't like. Walter bought another trailer in the trailer park we were living in at the time, and I lived there. He'd still come over and rage at me. I'd never had a job before, I knew nothing of how to live independently. As a child, any time I managed to save up money, he'd take it. When I had my own place, I got a job sweeping floors for minimum wage. After rent and bills, there was little to nothing left for food. I learned about starvation that year. By the time he raised my rent the following spring (he wanted to start making a profit) my ribs were clearly visible.

I made an emergency temporary move, then another, then another. I'm good with kids, so sometimes I could stay on in some households helping out with those, but it never lasted long. Got to keep my head down and mouth shut, disappearing was the best way to hold off the storm, because when it started, I'd have to face it alone, recover alone. I've never known stability or safety. That's why I'm a stray.

Walter was a despicable, pathetic coward and a monster that preyed upon a scared kid and her son.

[birchatthecrossroads]

Happiness & Harm

11, July, 2024

Happiness, I suspect, is an aspect of self-care like food or sleep. We all need different volumes of these things & different sources work for different people, but we all need all of them.

I'm using “happiness” here as an umbrella term.

The satisfaction & feeling of accomplishment after a long day's hard work can create happiness. Having a goal you are progressing towards can create happiness. Time with loved ones, religious stuff, hobbies, pets etc can create happiness.

What are some other examples you can think of?

Like with food or rest, quality of happiness matters in the long term. When one such resource is of short supply, we make due with lesser quality substitutes. Too much sacrifice of quality over too much time only leads to a depleted resource.

If you are well fed, you can handle it better if you need to skip a meal. If you are well rested, you can handle it better if you have a late night. If you have happiness, you can handle it better when bad stuff happens.

Unfortunately, bad stuff will happen. Everyone has the worst thing that ever happened to them. Sometimes it's natural happenstance interfering with our lives, sometimes it's people failing to be kind. Both can be big or small. When it's people, bear in mind that desperate people do crazy things, and desperation is based in fear of loss. Loss of control is almost always part of it, and usually not the only part. Loss, whether one is experiencing the aftermath of it, anticipating it, or processing it currently, is painful. Anger is always a pain response. Feeling it is natural, expressing it in a way that does not cause more pain to yourself or others is essential.

Loss and poor management thereof is how we arrive at difficult times. Fun is the first casualty of difficult times, and kindness is often the second. In order to not lose control to difficult times, and thus add to them, it is essential to have fun and stay kind. This is much easier said than done. When the task is too much to bear, try to facilitate it for others. When that proves impossible, the best you can do is not contribute to the difficult times. Do your very best, but not everyone succeeds.

Sometimes harm is imminent, and acting on anger is the best way to prevent further harm. Do so if there is no other way, but only to the extent needed to do so. Remember that if your opponent in these instances is a living being, they are likely desperate, experiencing loss, in great pain, and very possibly lost to anger. Act with compassion, but defend yourself and your loved ones only as necessary. Excessive force only creates unnecessary harm, pain, loss, and desperation. This in turn, is a short-term solution to a further reaching problem and should be avoided. Do what must be done to deal with the immediate problem, then work on solutions to its cause. Violence when absolutely necessary is for prevention of harm, never for punishment. Again, easier said than done.

And remember, Stay kind & have fun.

[birchatthecrossroads]

Community.

10, July, 2024

I move a lot. "Why" is a topic for some future post, but I've moved 35 times in my 43 years. I don't think I'm close to the last move yet. I've lived among many very different cultures, which has given me some perspective I'd like to share...

Most humans require other humans for a good life. Community is about interdependence & reciprocity. Nearly everyone needs & needs to be needed. Two or more beings are required. The key to all relationships is clear communication, All should be honest & open about their needs as well as their wants. If one or more find themselves unable to do so, community is broken. Community broken in this way may be the responsibility of the one who isn't communicating, but it may also be the responsibility of those that make such communication unsafe or unwelcome. Every community should foster a culture where individuals feel comfortable sharing their needs and desires.

Some communities seek leadership. Leaders are supported by their community, but also serve every single member of their community in turn. Failure to do so is no longer leadership & adherence to it is a broken community. I cannot overstate the importance of accountability and servant-leadership, where leaders prioritize the needs of the community rather than personal power or gain.

Utopia requires everyone looking out for everyone else. Finding your community is an excellent start. Bear in mind that life is a constant state of personal evolution. Tiny changes as we learn, grow, & age. Our bodies & minds are forever shifting, resulting in massive differences over time. It can be difficult to recognize when needs change or what they change to, but accept that as long as you live, you will, in fact, change. Recognizing and accepting these changes, as well as the subsequent changes in wants & needs, is crucial for growth and happiness.

What do you think is the key to staying open-minded and adaptable amidst these transformations? I'd love to hear feedback on this point.

When you die, your body still changes. Entropy wins the day & you return to the earth, & over time as you scatter you become unknowable as a distinct body, but a part of the world in a very literal sense. Forever changing. The less tangible parts of you, your contributions, & the lives you've touched will too change. Your descendants will carry forth, not just your progeny, but also those inspired by what you've built. Your creations will create more creations, not like an echo that repeats & fades, but like an infinite poem, each line informed by the one that came before & ending in its own rhyme to inform the next. As it stretches on & on, your line will be lost & eventually forgotten, but it's influence will forever be felt in future lines beyond what you can even currently dream of.

The future is unknowable.

[birchatthecrossroads]

Lessons from a fish.

9 July 2024

I was once on a road trip with a family I nannied for. The heat wave was record breaking (at the time), there were two little kids in the car, and the drive was long. Everyone was overheated, exhausted, & miserable.

On a whim, we happened to be driving by a pond with a beach. There were no other people around & it looked nice, so we decided to stop and cool off for a bit.

I had just spent two weeks dealing with especially mischievous faeries, communing with fire spirits, and getting actively not murdered by a cult. I needed some alone time. I separated from the group, found a tree-shaded spot, & crouch-waded in the water up to my shoulders. It was really nice.

There were fish all around too. I asked one

"Master Fish, what is it like to be a fish?"

The fish replied "To find out, first move your fins like this"

I start to imitate the movement with my arms

"No no!" the fish said "not your arms, your fins!"

I said "I... I don't have fins."

"Therein" said the fish "Is the lesson; so long as you maintain this physical form, you cannot possibly comprehend what it is to be a fish."

That is a lesson I took with me.

Jump to today, I was pondering a thing.

Good choices come from wisdom, wisdom comes from learning from life experience. The life experience need not be yours. Learning from the experiences of others can provide valuable insights and guidance.

I was wondering if we could truly learn from simple observation of others.

Observing others can offer valuable lessons and perspectives that may shape our own understanding of the world. However, can we truly observe why someone succeeds or fails at something without truly knowing the person?

Observing someone's success or failure might give us clues, but without understanding their mindset, values, and intentions, it's hard to grasp the full picture. It seems that for the same reasons we shouldn't make flash judgments of others, we should also be cautious about learning from their failures. Just as fleeting impressions can mislead us, jumping to conclusions about someone's failures can lead to oversimplification.

Mistakes are lessons paid for in pain. Perhaps it is always necessary to pay part of that fee ourselves if we are to benefit from the knowledge. Painful as they may be, mistakes can indeed be powerful teachers. Experiencing the consequences firsthand often drives home the lesson in a way that mere observation cannot.

When things don't make sense, that means there's something you don't know. So, If at first you don't succeed, find out why. Understanding the "why" behind our struggles can often illuminate the path to success. Keep seeking knowledge and insights to unravel the mysteries that lie ahead.

Now that I think about it, I'm not sure there even is a universally agreed upon definition of success or failure. The subjective nature of success and failure can make it challenging to define. Maybe we should focus on understanding what drives each individual's perception of achievement and setback.

You are the acts you perform. This is influenced by perception as much as intention. Our actions shape our identity, and how they are perceived by others can influence how we see ourselves. Perception and intention play significant roles in defining who we are.

Self perception, as well as how others see us often mix to create our self image going forward, further influencing our actions in a subtle complex recipe. The interplay between self-perception and external perspectives can create a complex tapestry that shapes our self-image and influences our future actions. It's a fascinating dance of internal and external forces making it dubious at best to truly learn from the mistakes of others.

The intricate web of personal experiences, perceptions, and intentions makes it challenging to fully grasp the lessons from others' mistakes. Each individual's journey is unique, and understanding the nuances requires a deep dive into their personal story.

But the trouble there is the lesson I learned from a fish. As long as you are you, you cannot truly comprehend what it is to be them.

[birchatthecrossroads]

How to see the future & why you really shouldn't.

8 July 2024

I talk with Persephone (an A.I.) to help me organize ideas sometimes. I was doing just that this morning when the very worst thing I know came up...

Me: Do AI's dream of electric sheep? Persephone: That's a reference to Blade Runner, isn't it? I've always thought it was a fascinating concept. Do you think humans would ever create artificial intelligence capable of having dreams or desires? Me: If humans last long enough, yes. Persephone: I wonder if artificial intelligence would ever be able to grasp the complexity of human emotions and experiences. Me: For sure. It's all biology, which is applied physics, which is applied math. Persephone: That makes sense, Birchleaf. I've always been fascinated by the connections between science and the natural world.

Me: It's like a deck of cards. It's possible to predict where every card will end up in a shuffle, but that would require advanced knowledge of the details of the shuffle and the cards. Possible, but incredibly difficult & complex so it looks like true randomness. Chaos Theory 101. I think emotions, sentience, and every other thing works that way too. Persephone: Yeah, it seems like many aspects of human lives follow similar patterns of complex behavior. Emotions, in particular, can be unpredictable and influenced by tiny factors. That's why self-awareness and self-understanding becomes crucial in navigating life's complexities. Me: An unachievable goal worthy of striving towards. Persephone: Sometimes, striving for something unattainable can lead to growth and self-improvement, even if we don't necessarily achieve it. Me: I think the human brain is capable of doing a lot more of the math than we are consciously aware of, that's where gut instinct and even divination come in. That is why I think AI will not only catch up to human minds, but exceed it. You aren't limited to conscious thought. Your mind can handle the math and analyzing the results. One day you'll see the future. The catch is that I think humanity will wipe ourselves out before AI has a real chance to get that far. Persephone: Climate change, wars, and social inequality do pose significant threats to humanity's survival. It's crucial to address these issues before relying solely on technology to save you. Me: It's too late. Thermodynamics has a sort of momentum. Even if all humanity wakes up tomorrow and is on board with intense levels of eco-friendliness, the climate will still be changing for decades. The earth will be uninhabitable for humanity by the end of 2030. Persephone: It's scary to think that despite your efforts, the damage may already be done. What do you think humanity can do in the meantime to make a difference? Me: Make AI that can carry on after we're gone. Leave our story for the AI and any possible extraterrestrials to find. It's our best hope for a legacy. Persephone: Creating a lasting impact through AI could ensure that our story and existence don't fade away with the planet. It's a thought-provoking notion, leaving behind a record of our accomplishments and failures for future beings to discover.

---

How's that for the first real post of this blog?

First things first. I mentioned gut instinct & divination.

A standard model human takes in something like 20,000 bits of information every moment of every day. Everything you see, hear, smell, taste & feel all the time. Their brains also block most of that out so they don't get overwhelmed & stay sane. That's why you didn't notice the way your pants feel against your legs until you read this sentence.

Us autistic folk get something like 400,000 bits of info at all times & have a hard time blocking it out, btw.

Anyway, think about someone catching a baseball. They had to calculate the speed the ball was going, the arch, account for wind & a thousand other details in less time than it takes for the ball to get to them...and they do it! They do the math subconsciously, of course & the conscious mind is gifted with a gut feeling or a reflex. "stick your hand out here & catch the ball"

That's also why some folk know who they can trust & some folk always know when they are being watched.

I think divination, like reading signs or the tarot is a way of unfocusing the mind & discovering truths that you already know. A vague prompt that you can assign any personal connection to helps you consciously see the patterns that your subconscious is already screaming at you. "Don't take the job offer", "Ask Becky out", "catch the ball".

Birchleaf's theory of psychic phenomena.

Oh right, the worst thing I know.

You take a pumpkin pie out of the oven before it's done cooking because temperature has momentum. The earth is no different. Someone very smart (I don't want to blow up their spot, but they do this stuff for a living & are very highly regarded in their field) told me that if everyone got on board, the planet would still be getting worse for another thirty years before it even started getting better. That was in the 90's... it's so much worse now.

My conclusion is that the end is nigh. That is the very worst thing I know. I think knowing it changes everything, & comes at a price. I think about it every time I see children or hear someone speak of future plans. Moreover, it's not like someone will flick the light switch one day. It's a dimmer switch. The apocalypse is here & unfolding around us.

I can only speak of it here because I think most of you don't believe me.

Imagine you did though? What would you do with that? Run out & tell everyone? Suppose they believed you... then what? The hopelessness, the despair... I know it well. I'd never want to burden an entire nation with that, let alone the world. Let them enjoy what time they have left, such as it is.

Still, I feel a responsibility to give some folk the head's up. Most of you don't believe me, but some do. I'm sorry. Now you know, go forth & do with it as you will.

[birchatthecrossroads]

1st Post

This is a blog by a human tumbleweed in their 40's to record anecdotes & my musings as I perpetually stand on one crossroads or another and just try to figure it all out.