bloomstarz - Tumblr blog

[bloomstarz]

“Will I ever be loved? I don’t want to be a passing joke or a “shes nice”. I don’t want to be the photographer for my entire camera roll, I don’t want to lay on the ground thinking that my soulmate is dead. Dead, and that I will always love and never be loved. I want to glance across the room and smile when we lock eyes, hold eachother before going to bed, or, even simply be held in general. I want to feel their arms cradling me in their embrace, just gentle enough not the break me. Tight enough because they’re afraid I would slip through their finger tips. Someone once told me; ‘I think you’re single because you’re likable, not lovable.’ And I’m starting to think they’re right. I’m likable, that girl you only acknowledge when every other friend is sick, the backup, the want to be relevant. I am the girl in the middle of the class, not the front, not the back, the middle. The girl who is fated to be the best friend trope. The girl who scraped their knees praying for a prince on a white horse. I am likable, but got forbid I’m lovable and that- that terrifies me.“ - Sophia Yee (11/17/23)

[bloomstarz]

“I hope that death is a dark, peaceful pit of nothingness. Simply floating in a void with no direction or purpose, eternally dreaming. I hope that death is warm and quiet, away from worry, away from the ever burdening guilt that rests on my shoulders.” - Sophia, 6/25/23

[bloomstarz]

“It is okay. There is this deep feeling of relief, of freedom that follows being comfortable with being disliked. To cherish or not to cherish me, the option is for those surrounding. Now, that decision it’s none of my concern. I will notice my faults, and mature using them as a blueprint. However not all who meet my eyes requires to be consumed into my life. Not every word nor attack shall have the need to pierce through my skin and into my heart. The days radiate with the warm glow of the sun and the wind is soft while it kisses my skin for I am finally okay with that gruesome fact. This notion certainly persists to be incredibly uncomfortable and even devastating, but it’s still okay.” - Sophia 6/20/23

[bloomstarz]

“I don’t remember who you are. I know what your favorite color is, your spirit animal, your hobbies, your every mannerisms, your likes and dislikes, who you like and dislike. However, I don’t remember how you think. I tend to be able to wrap my mind around people, guess what they’re thinking. Yet, your train of thought is completely erratically spontaneous and beautifully cruel. I’ve stayed up late with the image of you engraved into my eyelids, reviewing our memories together with each breath that I take, I cherished your presence as I cherish the water that sustains me. My love becoming the water that sustains me, a rising sense of melancholy flooding my consciousness as I hope that your gaze would solely be on me. Only me, not any other human being that steps on soil, just me, only me. My love drowning the very image on your in my mind, contorting your actions and words into coos of affection and praise. Praise that you had never once meant. Words of affection that were only lies plastered with guilt. I have doused our friendship in my admiration until it had wilted into a puddle of what it could’ve been without my constant, desperate, watering. The never ending compliments, the hangouts you never seemed to follow through in. Nevertheless your smile would ravishingly glow in my direction through all my “am I annoying you?”s. It’s confusing, frustrating, and exhausting. Just incredibly exasperating. So I beg of you, don’t get my hopes up and simply tell me the truth. You do not care.” - Sophia 6/4/2023

[bloomstarz]

“Acceptance, the feeling of being in pain yet out of care for it.” -Sophia

[bloomstarz]

“He was brain dead. Not in the literal form though, he continued to have the capability to walk, talk, eat, breathe, and sleep. He was the shining star of his family, gold medals dragging down on his neck, practically suffocating him. He won awards with certainty that they were an easy feat to accomplish. His entire, miserable life, was spent looking down. His neck bones almost had bent in a u shape, with his eyes pooling out of his skull down to the dirty who lay below him. For his brilliance, his peers posed no challenge. They were no match for him, all they could do was look up at the imbecile who had never learnt to look anywhere other than looking down. His laughter bellowed through the halls he stepped in, insults being shot from his mouth at alarming speeds. He did not think of people, he not care for others either. For that, he was not alive. He was dead. Brain dead.” -Sophia 5/8/2023

[bloomstarz]

I don't want to have to be the one who mourns everything when everyone else has clearly forgotten. It's mortifying. It's mortifying to be the one who remembers.

- Ryan O'Connell

[bloomstarz]

Empathy

“A foreign thought, an uncomfortable and strange weight on my tounge, a feeling I have no right to induldge myself in. It's quite unfortunate, how humans hold themselves to such a weak, flimsy mindset. They bind themselves in the chains of sympathy, of feeling, of pity. My gut wrenches watching them make misty eyed apologies for actions that hold no consequences. Watching them blindly forgive one another. I can see their potential wither away as they embrace, oblivious to the plague shielding them from the sickening truth. They rush to drown themselves in hope and naivety, insisting 'ignorance is bliss'. Blissful yet foolish creatures they are, infected to their very core with 'empathy'.” -Sophia 5/5/2023

Edited by Eden Mccaffery

[bloomstarz]

One favored by fate

“Clouds wept in elation at the announcement that yet another angel was to be constructed. Ivory lilies bloomed at the concept of her cleansing the dirt with her presence, stretching towards the sun to steal a glance at her pulchritude, freshly brewed from the skies.

As her body leaped between that of dream and reality, fate wrapped their loving arms around her, sculpting her features with great tenderness, cradling her as if she was to fall right through the clouds.

While a comforting giggle escaped her lips, the beautiful child was born at last. Trees gossiped at her elegance, her back carrying a pair of delicate wings. Suitable for a child of her winsomeness, yet, invisible to the ignorant eye.

However- you, you were created at random. Your eyes, nose, shape of your lips, were all assembled and stitched together as one magnificently chaotic art project. You were born as a shadow, a trail to flaunt her clarity. The night sky in favor of her moon.

Nevertheless, as the fates dropped their dice with rolling eyes, you managed a radiance on par with the very angel who was destined to excel you in all manner of ways.” - Sophia 5/2/2023

[bloomstarz]

“Human beings will never attain the ability to comprehend the significance of daily life. Not one scientist, philosopher, or poet, have clasped their hands around this concept. The reason behind why our hearts continue beating against our rib cages while the flame that fuels our minds gradually dwindles into the abyss.

Despite this, the cosmos will continue to rotate and thrive with or without our presence, with or without our everlasting questions of why. We are useless clumps of atoms drifting between living and dying constantly as the planet we reside in- depend on, pushes us into a painful and tragic end.” - Sophia, 5/2/2023

[bloomstarz]

“You are fascinating. When I look at you, it’s almost as if an entirely new species is staring back at me. The way you speak is wonderfully alien, catching me in a trance as you go on and on for hours about the new topic you’ve become enamored with. The small gasps between each sentence as you stumble to find the right words to express yourself, the way you flail your arms around as though trying to grasp onto something, voice accidentally raising in your excitement, only to take yourself back upon realization- it’s captivating. The shine in your eyes when you laugh, really laugh. The kind of laugh where your eyes scrunch up, spittle leaks from the corners of your mouth, your neck scrunches up into a sort of roll shape. That shimmering excitement in your eyes, that alone makes such a typical laugh feel magical. I admire that you devote so much of your time and your love into one obscure little thing, that you see your whole life ahead of you so clearly. But for now, you're here with the rest of us, taking any opportunity you get to tell someone all about that special interest of yours.” - Sophia 5/2/2023

Edited by Eden Mccaffrey

[bloomstarz]

Umbrella

“Rain infected the sky, children stomping onto the pools of water littering the streets, splashing dirt and debris into the small boots of their fellow peers. Laughter clouded the elementary schools nearby, whereas the remainder of the world groaned at the sight of the countless of droplets sliding down the rooftops.

Despite the gloom choking the air that surrounded me, preventing any from entering my lungs, slowing down the beating of my heart. I had hoped, with every shard of my soul, that you would smile at me as you always did to her, and would shelter me from the showering rain with your polka dot umbrella. The umbrella that you’d tell me was so unbearably tiny due to how long you’ve kept it. We would giggle as if we were still children, ignorant of the weight of reality. As we struggle to keep both our shoulders dry, our emotions would flood out our bodies.

However, I knew the harsh truth. The answer that burned my throat as it relentlessly crawled through my entire body, shredding me into pocket sized pieces from the inside out.

You wouldn’t be with me.

You were destined to always wait with your polka dot umbrella for her. The captivatingly sweet girl that would never come.” - Sophia

[bloomstarz]

“While you illuminate me with the warmth of your laughter, piercing the essence of my being with your smile, I will understand how the skies couldn’t keep their tears condensed into the clouds above.” - Sophia

[bloomstarz]

Morning mist

“There it was, your morning mist. Born from the countless of days I watched tears swell your eyes and fall from the grey clouds governing the sky, the tears that have finally run you dry and have seeped into the very air we breathe.

Your sadness has run through your veins and protruded out of your eyes, weighing down the atmosphere that surrounds you.

However, despite how infectious your despair may seem, your mist has been notorious for a deep, immersing feeling of comfort. Acceptance, after heartbreak. For your smile peeks through the clouds, allowing the bright blue to radiate all that is fortunate enough to lay bellow. Radiating your mist, causing your dried up tears to seem utterly beautiful.“ -Sophia

[bloomstarz]

“I’ve always remembered my love being similar to water. Comforting, but overwhelming at times.

My behavior, sharing characteristics with the way that the lakes surface ripples in unchanging patterns far too afraid to leave the dirt hole it’s been born in, have grown to be familiar with for all it’s life, and the raging waterfalls that trample upon all that have unfortunately lay in it’s wake.

I too- trample upon the crowd of people in desperation to find my one and only sun who will pull me into the skies, lifting my sorrows away into oblivion until my water transforms into sky along side them.

However, there is no sun willing to gift me with their warm embrace.

For that reason, I will never be more than water, and the only sliver of the serene blue I could possibly dream of feeling is my rain clouds rubbing their filth onto the endlessly beautiful sky, leading my efforts to land me a single droplet out of reach.

Only for me to fall farther down back into my lake where I have always belonged.” - Sophia

[bloomstarz]

that part in normal people where he starts crying to his therapist about how he thought everything would be different in college, a good different, a good life, better friends, but life turned out a lot worse and he doesn’t have any friends and now he can’t even go back to what he thought he could do better than. there’s nothing left to go back to. the most fucked up thing about childhood is how you spent the entirety of it wishing you were older but then you are older and if it’s horrible, you don’t have the security blanket of saying “it’ll be better when i’m older” like you did when you were a kid cause you are older now & it’s not better, you have no real friends and you can’t even go back to being a kid and it’s a horrible horrible realisation

[bloomstarz]

“For you, my mind will distort into a useless clump of nerves, blood, and tissue, unable to let go of your presence. My body will always sway to your direction in order to bask in the light of your smile, my lips yearning for yours. For you, my knees will have grown countless of bruises, and scrapes, being heavily disfigured from the excruciatingly long hours in which I had prayed, begged, for my affection to reach behind the wide cactus walls surrounding your heart. However, I shall halt my thoughts and tear my beating heart out of my chest, shattering my ribcage, all to avoid your acknowledgment. All, to avoid that look to stain your eyes, that gaze of disappointment and utter disgust as you begin to view me as a maggot clawing at your legs for a morsel of attention from another whose true heart is not mine to witness.” - Sophia