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how much clearer do i have to be that i need help
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to all the adults that said that college would be my years and that college would be great for me and it's where i'll start to thrive, fuck you
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a psychic told me to journal more this year
I'm watching dan and phil on the tommyinnit podcast and when phil said (around the 34:20 mark in the youtube video) that "sometimes you gotta step back and wonder if you're actually enjoying what you're doing or if you need to step away" really fucked me up
i'm a college student and I just got back from Christmas break and I'm already back to being burnt out as fuck. granted, there have been a lot of additonal fucked up things that have happened already this january that aren't helping.
coming back this semester I finally had a moment where "you know, I've been in school for 14 years now, and I think I know enough to say I actually hate it." I've been back and forth a million times, but I truly do hate it now.
dropping out of college is not an option because of my family and it's just been preached to me (by said family) that this is what I have to do and need to do and will be worthless and a failure if I don't do that I kinda don't want to not do it.
that's why phil saying that messed me up so much. i've been in college for a hot minute and the clock is ticking for me to decide on a major and complete it on time. ever since senior year high school i've thought i would take more than 4 years in college and lately I'm wondering if that's because of my indeciseiveness or because the absolute burnout i've had since high school. (the super senior option is no longer viable financially).
i think i'm going to finish college and be on the other side and hate who I am and never want to do anything ever again. i don't currently hate myself, but i am expierencing the latter. i'm terrified of that, so I keep hounding myself with expierences hoping that something will swoop in and make things make sense.
i made the joke today that if a soroity doesn't bid on me that i'm dropping out and going back to one of my old jobs and guys idk if it's a joke anymore (/ref).
i don't know what I want and im too tired/burnout to dream.
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