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I'm convinced he doesn't like me. I'm convinced I've done nothing but annoy him. I'm scared I'm not good enough. I'm scared he'll leave me.

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He's just depressed! It isn't about you! Sometimes when people feel shitty they don't talk as much! Not everything is about you! Not everything is about you!

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Wow watch me in the space of ten minutes go from absolutely ecstatic about my fp to crying and splitting because I feel worthless and I've convinced myself he's gonna leave

Checking his messages and craving his attention but upset I'm not getting Enough for my bottomless black hole of a need for validation and reassurance and feeling absolutely empty and hopeless inside, that's me!

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Horrible intrusive thoughts!

I have these intrusive thoughts anout bad things happening to my fp and I really hate it

And occasionally I talk about them and he makes me feel better but I try not to do that often in case it might make him anxious about something happening to him

And because like wouldn't that be annoying of me??? To just? Bug him because my brain is being dumb? He helps me and is patient with me so much already. I don't want to be a fucking burden.

But also. When I have fewer/less frequent intrusive thoughts, then my brain tells me it means I don't care about him anymore. And I do. He's the only person I empathize with and the only person I genuinely love (usually) and the very most important person in my life. But when that set of thoughts quiets down for a while it makes me feel like a bad best friend.

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So I know this is a vent blog but honestly like

I'm really grateful to my fp for helping me learn how to handle not only my bpd, but my other personality disorders, too. Whether it's avpd or avpd traits is a little up in the air w my therapist right now- at this point the list is kind of long and we're focusing on managing symptoms rather than what precise label goes where - but npd is a definite. When I met my fp I was mostly just questioning npd traits; I realized as I learned more about it and talked more to my therapist that I have, like, The Whole Thing. You know how it goes.

I'm determined not to be my mother who I suspect has bpd and npd traits -probably not the whole disorder, but some of our thought patterns and perceptions have been pretty similar in that regard -and kind of ruins everyone's life she touches, including mine. She's badly fucked her own self over, her husband I really don't think she abuses but he also seems uninvolved in some pretty significant ways; he just kind of let her do whatever she wanted to us, believed her over us, and she hides some of her worst abuse from him- like hitting me with a hanger, and choking my sibling and throwing them to the floor to scream at them and not letting us tell him what happened. She's also just manipulative and controlling and blames everyone else for her negative feelings and anything that goes wrong, even (especially) when it's her fault (sort of how her throwing me into a wall as a teenager was my fault somehow... lol). So that's oart of my motivation to work hard with therapy and learn to manage all this stuff, but really put some focus into managing my narcissism. It's not going to benefit me, or anybody else, if I'm unselfaware and I just treat people like shit all the time -which I don't, but I don't ever want to, and there are always places I can improce as a person.

It's hard to be honest and fucking excruciating to be vulnerable. I have a huge ego and a massive rift in self-esteem, I can't confront shame (so I use other mechanisms to motivate me to adjust problematic behavior) and I'm incapable of self-compassion, which apparently is essential for healing your inner child or something. I guess my inner child is just going to have to stay broken, but I can work on other things.

Fp has aspd and npd, which I think I've mentioned here before; and he's conscientious enough and makes me feel comfortable enough to talk to him about new things in my life, even things that make me feel vulnerable. We don't have all the same symptoms of course, but we share several, and he's got a lot of experience learning how to manage comorbid personality disorders, and when I'm really struggling he's extremely helpful in clearing my perception- and often he's the only person I feel comfortable enough to talk to about it, given that childhood abuse gave me such trouble with trust. I've known him for nearly 2 years now, and he's only ever demonstrated more commitment to treating me well, and so I trust him. I mean, I don't /really/ trust anybody. But I trust him more than anyone else, and he's made me feel more comfortable being secure and he's never been malicious or gaslit me or been cruel to me or put me down or any of the shit some other people have done.

I've also learned a lot about how dysfunctional my family is- for instance, defensiveness to the point of making an ass of yourself instead of correcting your mistakes, seems to be a family trait. Stuff like that is pretty frustating, given I'm (still) too sick to work and I have to live with them (but with therapy and a purse full of medicine I'm getting there). I isolate here a lot, because communication breaks down so easily, and then I get frustrated, and I don't want to snap at people and I want to try to identify what I could do to smooth interactions; and some things I'm oversensitive to because they remind me of my abusive mother (but apparently I'm not allowed to say "hey please don't do this because I have a history with it happening to me in greater degree and it's bad" because then I get accused of comparing people to my mother... anyway I spend a lot of time by myself.

Recently I've been deep in a ptsd swing because an alter got a (shiny!new!) flashback to our csa and so we had a bad couple of weeks tbh but it seems like that's smoothing out now. I haven't had a flashback or a panic attack in a couple of days and the nightmares are better too.

And I've realized that a lot of what I was so worried about before -a lot of what I yelled about on this blog actually- was just... not all an inaccurate perception on my part, but that I noticed changes in communication with fp and reacted to them in a characteristically borderline way. I correctly registered that he seemed more withdrawn, was less warm, etc. And when we talked about it, he told me he still liked me just as much as ever, but he was depressed, like we'd been talking about, and he had less energy and he just hadn't been expressing it the way he had when he'd felt better. And that's something I'm familiar with, because it's super common with depression and I've withdrawn like that, too.

He told me this friendship, and his being my fp, is important to him and he wants to maintain it, and he was glad I shared my feelings with him, because he wants to know if there's a issue. I told him that while I didn't want to make him feel taxed while he's depressed (or at all), more expression would ameliorate my anxiety and make me feel more secure. He didn't blame me for feeling the way I did, didn't try to make it my fault (it wasn't anyone's fault; I have my symptoms and he has his and we communicate out limitations and work on issues together) just told me he appreciated me, my friendship, and my communicating with him, and he'd adjust his behavior to help remind me I was liked and valued. And he has, and his depression has gotten better with meds, and I feel better (and the fact he was so receptive and so willing to put in the effort also made me feel better) and he's helped me as I've been stressed over family drama (my mother having some drama with other family members- I need to figure out somehow who's telling the truth but it's gonna be uhhh stressful) and over the new piece of trauma we remembered (not good) and the worsening of ptsd symptoms.

I feel stable in our friendship, and have done for several weeks now, and that's been the defining trend of our friendship over two years. It's fucking hard for me to feel stable or secure in friendships, especially with fps and especially when I have strong romantic feelings for them, but he puts in a lot of effort to help me feel that way, /and to help me improve my baseline ability to feel that way./

Our friendship is predicated in many ways on what's most useful; for instance, it's beneficial to him to put in that effort because I feel better, and so there's less maintenance work he needs to do. That's not a drawback; we genuinely like each other and enjoy one another's company, and help each other a lot, and while it's not an empathetic friendship from his side, it's a kind ans supportive one, a safe one, a sheltering one, a comfortable and profoundly important one. It's the strongest and healthiest relationship I've ever had, and it's done as much or maybe even more than therapy has to get me through struggling times and improve the way I feel about myself and other people.

This is a long fucking post right now but like. I'm really grateful for this man. I always have been. I have strong emotional reactions to real or percieved abandonment, and I see it everywhere, but he never tries to make me feel bad for it, just helps me feel better. I yell a lot on this blog but there's a reason I haven't really posted here in a while (and other things go wrong elsewhere but I usually post about that on my other blog. That's where my ptsd and family vents went.) I have an as-soon-as-possible goal to get myself well enough to work, and save enough money to move so that I can live where he lives. I'll finally be away from toxic family (telecontact, I'm sure, but still a meaningful distance) and regularly able to see the most important person in my life, and I think that has a lot of potential to help with my mental health.

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x

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On that topic dysphoria is death.jpg and I really really can't wait for top surgery

In the meantime I need to get a binder when I can afford one because I look at my chest and it makes me want to rip myself apart

I wish I could like. Shave down my hipbones or make my thighs less thigh-y or something. I don't want curves and I don't want to be read as "woman." It nauseates me. Makes me feel like I'm not real. Makes me wish I wasn't real (more than I already do)

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Shoutout to my fp for being considerate and mindful of nonbinary people

Making sure not to call me things I don't want to be called and letting me vent abt dysphoria even though he's cis and it's a secondhand experience for him

Willing to listen and be kind and not just make it About Him

Whether I'm mildly frustrated or I just feel kind of confused or I want to rip my body apart

Years of feeling broken and horrible were worth it to find this kind of harbour

He's a good bean

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I talked to him in some nore detail about how I've been feeling. He wasn't mad, he reassured me and told me I wasn't bothering him and he still likes me just as much. I still worry, but I feel better than I did.

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I feel like I'm being really unfair saying this stuff. He's still nice to me. He still makes time for me. Tonight I told him I might not be as available because I wasn't feeling well, and he offered support and encouraged me to take good care of myself (which I often feel I don't deserve or somehow need permission to do, and his encouragement helps with that). He said it was important.

I'm having such a hard time telling whether he's actually pulling away or I'm just stupid and delusional.

In the past I had a long-term partner who ignored me more and more and wanted to be around me less and less, for months. Lost sexual interest, was less and less interested in giving me affection. I'd come to spend time near him, at a distance, and I felt rejected and alone but he said he was just depressed and told me every day he loved me- until I came home one night and he told me he was done. And now I'm extra afraid of anything that resembles that.

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Idk. Maybe he really does just have less social energy/interest, because of depression. Maybe it's not just me.

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You're my favourite person I love you so much please please come back

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I really just feel like you don't like me

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Please please please tell me what I'm doing wrong tell me how to make you happier tell me what to do and I will I love you so much please please just tell me

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I love being ignored by the person I love most in the whole world it's great and feels so nice!!!

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More than anything else I want him to be safe and healthy and happy, but god I want him to pay attention to me, too.

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He compliments me almost like an afterthought now. Like he no longer means it. The intensity, the feeling of being near and important to him is gone.