borderlinebetty

[borderlinebetty]

[Dump Thoughts Here]

I can be a lot sometimes. I tend to run a little excited, averaging a million new ideas a minute, which flow out of my head and into your ears automatically, free of charge. What luck! But I’ll notice if you start to feel overwhelmed. I’ll beat myself up, feel icky, try to slow down, fail miserably, but you’ll wind up getting the best sleep of your life. You lucky duck. 

I’m sure a lot of people don’t get me. Eye roll, please. Tell me how gooey your brains look. I’m no enigma, I spend my time inhaling and exhaling like you and your people, I eat, pet cats, and sleep. I could definitely use more sleep. And water. I drink coffee everyday. It gives me something to look forward to in the immediate future, like cigarettes used to do for me, big time. I am so happy I kicked those nasty little monsters out of my life. It took at least 50 failed attempts, but without them I never would have struck gold with lucky number 51. If you smoke, you’ve probably tried to quit a time or ten, and you know how rough it is trying not to cave when your body nags at your brain, convincing you that quitting is actually the last thing you want, and that all of the shitty things you’re feeling will immediately disappear if you stop playing this silly game of pretending to be someone else, and just buy a pack. You love cigarettes, remember? And you do. You really, really do. And they look good on you. Such high concentrations of elegance and sophistication are impossible to attain, but not for you and those luscious lips that rip butts. You are the epitome of a perfect human, and everyone wants to be you. They told me so this morning while I was out getting myself an exciting coffee, sans butt and butts.

I move a million miles a minute. I move while other are moving, I move while they sleep. If they’re peeing, I’m moving. 

He’s boring, and routine, and his life is quiet. It’s so intriguing. He goes to work in the morning, and is the last to leave every night. After work, he retreats to his couch for hours to play video games alone, and sometimes in the dark. He hates himself, and is brilliantly complex. His veins now flow with Lexapro, and he seems a little less depressed. Though it killed the sex-life we finally started living. Sometime it’s a little difficult to convince myself to believe him when he says his sex brain is broken, and that he’s attracted to me because have I seen me? My thighs? It’s annoying how hot I am. It’s just hard to not feel ugly when your boyfriend never takes you to Pound Town.

[borderlinebetty]

Typical Betty; disappears for months without writing, a goodbye, or trace. Things are (incredible, amazing, phenomenal, better than the best of my fantasies) good.

I spent countless hours filling notebooks with the details of fantasies I dreamt of realitizing. I would do all of these things, written in bright-colored ink, and he would become a part of my life again. I would change, act better, and become the person I so badly wanted to be, and he would love me. That man I feared was gone forever told me he loves me recently. Not in response to my own confession, I couldn’t bring myself to tell him. My old friend, Fear of Rejection, had sealed my lips shut. I don’t remember what I said that caused my veins to start pumping pure joy into every millimeter of my body.I felt it flow over me like a wave of warm blood flowing against gravity, and up my arm. His response melted me, and I was suddenly bathing in the thing everyone on Earth is seeking; happiness. “That is why I love you, you ....” (I will never remember what he said next, or what “smart” thing I said to trigger it. It matters not. He loves me. He’s told me several times. And I love him.

Things are (perfect, wonderful, how I hoped and prayed they would be, like a dream come true) good.

[borderlinebetty]

Drink Some Fucking Water!

[borderlinebetty]

“Eviction”

Well, my, oh, my. This girl’s plate is piled high. 

My landlord surprised my roommates and me with a fun letter a few weeks ago. “Dear tenants, my work and living situations are changing, and I need you to move out by September 30th.” What. the. fuck. I’ve lived here for nearly 8 years. At first, it sounded as if my roommates were looking for a place without me. Our newest roommate and I don’t exactly get along. “I’m not sure you two can live together.” But they included me in what became “our” apartment search. And after seeing a few dives, we found one we liked. But the next morning I ruined everything. Enter Borderline Betty. Newest Roommate requested that she no longer keep her guinea pigs in her room. She wanted them out in the open. But their cages absolutely reek. I wound up asking why she has guinea pigs if they never leave their cages. I said it was cruel to keep them locked up all the time. Why? I don’t know. It probably happened because I subconsciously wanted these relationships to end. Living with people you have nothing in common with, who don’t seem to like, but merely tolerate, you isn’t fun. I hate it, actually. The only problem is Texas, my other roommate’s 11 year old orange, fluffy, part Maine Coon cat. He loves me, and I love him. We’re closer than close. He sleeps in my arms every night; my little spoon for life. Only our life together is ending, and my heart breaks a little more each day. I cried for hours the other night. Will my roommate give him to me if I offer her $500? How about $1,000? Probably not, but there’s only one way to find out.

[borderlinebetty]

11, You call my kindness “nuts” and “weird”.  12. You ignore me all day, everyday. 13. You’ve only had sex with me once.  14. You don’t ask me questions.  15. You don’t try to sleep over.  16. You don’t French kiss me.  17. You don’t make me feel wanted.  18. You “struggle to give” me love and support. 19. You won’t let me meet your mom.  20. You rarely go down on me.  21. I have to walk on eggshells around you. 22. I don’t feel appreciated.  23. I don’t feel cherished. 24. I don’t even feel liked.  25. I feel shit on.  26. I feel used.  27. I feel alone most of the time.  28. I don’t feel like I can open up to you without being judged. 29. You won’t let me in. 30. You’ve made a hobby of telling me what’s wrong with me. 31. You tell me my feelings are wrong. 32. You tell me all about your feelings.  33. You’re mean.  34. You’re rude. 35. You tell me to stop talking.  36. You tell me to go to sleep.  37. You are crazy-making.  38. You fear intimacy.  39. You deprive me.  40. You neglect me.

[borderlinebetty]

Photo

[borderlinebetty]

Fantastic Days, Sad Days

Self-care has been working wonders on curing my sadness lately. But there are still sad days. And I need to remember that it’s okay to not feel like I’m 100% confident, or ecstatic about life or myself, 100% of the time. It’s okay to be sad. Love is hard. The most important thing is that I not let the sad moments rock me. Because their sound will be drowned by confidence and excitement in a matter of moments. The key is self-care. It is my crutch, and it will never fail me. It will only make me better, stronger, happier, and whole.

[borderlinebetty]

Welp, I didn’t see this coming. I was miserable after pushing my boyfriend away with my lack of emotional control again, so I turned to self-care and started hitting the gym everyday. Doing so has filled me with endorphins, and oodles of confidence. Suddenly, I feel free of the anguish that has been holding me hostage for two years. I’ve put this impossible relationship on a pedestal, it’s been the prize I’ve sought and fought to win over and over again, only to smash it against the pavement every time it grazes my fingertips. I’ve blamed myself because he does, because he recoils into his shell, away from me and my chaos every time I react to something that makes me feel uncomfortable or insecure. But this hasn’t all been me. My reactions haven’t been to nothing; they’ve been to the abnormalities that comprise our relationship. It’s normal to want to be close with your boyfriend, and want him to love you, and want to feel wanted. If he constantly acts ambivalent and disinterested, it’s normal to have feelings about it, and it’s normal to react. If he then tells you your feelings are wrong, while he lays out a mile-long iMessage detailing his own, it’s normal to feel squashed, and it’s normal to be pissed. I’m finally aware of how angry I’ve been. This person has been depriving, neglecting, and therefore torturing me for years. He’s been projecting his misery onto me, and making me its company. I’m not going to fortune-tell or assume I know what’s coming. He has so many wonderful qualities which I adore. I am simply acknowledging a healthy revelation that the tables are turning. I don’t need his attention or affection to feel validated anymore. I am validating myself. And I’m doing a damn good job of it. ‘Twas blind, but now I see. I am no longer the chaser; I am the chasee. 

[borderlinebetty]

Note to Self: Exercise

Wow. Self-care to the rescue indeed. I left the gym an hour and a half ago, and I still feel great. I didn’t even check my phone when I heard my boyfriend’s text tone. I asked him if he wants to have dinner this week, odds are he doesn’t, am I in any rush to find out? No. Am I going to be upset if he doesn’t. Meh, I might feel a little rejected, but I’d probably bounce right back because of HOW FANTASTIC I FEEL! What a confidence and self-esteem boost. I feel so motivated and good about myself. I’m even checking out workouts on YouTube (to build a bigger butt, of course). I ate a healthy dinner when I got home - A Kashi Chimichurri Quinoa Bowl - which I will be making my own version of soon - And drank a ton of water all night. I decided against looking at the text because if his answer is no, it might just make me feel bad about the mistakes I made this weekend (aka pushing him away), and I want to let this exercise high work its healing magic. Maybe I’ll be less disheartened by a “no” tomorrow. I just want to remember HOW GREAT I FEEL so I can implement this solution the next time I’m feeling less than 100%. I FEEL LIKE A MILLION BUCKS! Keep the exercise comin’! 

[borderlinebetty]

Self-care to the rescue!

I finally made it back to the Y after months of neglecting myself. I had a terrible weekend of destroying my relationship (again), and my life coach advised I do a little self-care. What great advice. I actually feel good about myself, and hopeful for the future, instead of beating myself up, and feeling like a piece of shit over mistakes I made. I shall put a blue star on my calendar. The only way to repair my relationship with my boyfriend is to first repair my relationship with my Self (capital S, as emphasized by my psychiatrist). We are both working on fixing ourselves; separately for now, and hopefully adjacent (or parallel) to each other eventually. The better I feel about myself, the less shitty I feel about mistakes the I’ve made, so bring on the self-care. 

[borderlinebetty]

The Race to Calm

I miss him so much.

If only we could go back to the way we were before I fucked up. 

He says he misses me, but he isn’t trying to beat me in the race to calm. 

So I work. 

And I wait. 

[borderlinebetty]

Screaming, crying, perfect storms I could make all the tables turn Rose garden filled with thorns Keep you second guessing like oh my god Who is she? I get drunk on jealousy But you’ll come back each time you leave Cause darling I’m a nightmare dressed like a daydream

[borderlinebetty]

My boyfriend told me a girl recently messaged him after being too shy to say hello when she saw him at a coffee shop. She said she recognized his cologne so she looked up, and realized it was him. This prompted her to contact him.

Normally, this would send me into a jealous panic. A GIRL texted you because she recognized your SMELL?! Are you two talking now? Are you going to see her? Is that why you haven’t been talking to me, because you’ve replaced me with her??? I would be imagining (and believing) that he was getting close with her behind my back, flirting, exchanging pics, talking dirty, and that all of those things would surely lead to him leaving me.

Instead, I sat with it for a while. I asked a friend if it was appropriate for me to ask him about the girl’s message; she said it absolutely was. So I texted him asking if we could talk later because I felt uncomfortable about something he’d said. When he asked what it was, I mentioned what he’d told me, and asked if she was someone he used to see, and what the intent was there. He said there was no intent, that she’s an acquaintance, and not to dwell on it. Why did she feel too awkward to say hi? Because she’s awkward, and she’s an acquaintance, aka we’re not close. But she recognized your smell? Apparently. Okay. Thank you for explaining. You’re welcome.

Pat, pat.

This is huge progress for me. Normally, I would have clung to the idea of betrayal and hurled accusations at him for hours, or even days. But I chose to trust him instead. And whether he noticed the difference or not, I am happy with my reaction. My goal for my next encounter with a perceived threat is to end the conversation after “Don’t dwell on it.”

[borderlinebetty]

I hurt the person I care about. I’m afraid this may be the result.

[borderlinebetty]

Ways to help a Borderline

• Lots and lots of cuddles • Lots and lots of space • Reassurances of being loved/wanted • Be understanding that the borderline is the same people you love, even when they split on you.

[borderlinebetty]

[borderlinebetty]

Four Weeks Later

Welp, it’s been four weeks since I lost it on my boyfriend in a completely unprecedented, fearful, jealous rage. We finally spent the day together on Sunday, feeding baby goats. It’s really hard when the person you want to be close with feels so distant that you fear they’ll forget you if you don’t contact them regularly. Not seeing them is painful because you know it’s your fault. You’re the reason they’re not texting, and why their responses aren’t more than three words long.

Why does BPD make you so good at hurting the people you care about? It’s like you forget they aren’t invincible, that they’re human just like you are, and that they can be shattered just like you can. I forget all the time that my boyfriend is vulnerable, and sensitive, and breakable; that he shuts down and hides from me when I come stomping through his world in a BPD frenzy, trampling his heart, and damaging his self-esteem. 

Spending the day together was progress, and I will continue to be patient, even though it’s really hard for me. Acknowledging that someone needs time to heal is one thing, actually giving them space to do so is another. I am doing both, and I am literally patting myself on the back right now (pat, pat). 

My goal right now is to get good at validating my emotions. My DBT book instructs me to: 1. Acknowledge my emotions without judging them. 2. Allow myself to feel the emotions I feel. 3. Understand why I’m feeling them. 

Another thing that’s scaring me is my therapist's threat to end my therapy, and therefore, my prescriptions. I feel like this is something out of a horror film. Therapist says you can see someone for DBT, therapist does a 180 and gets horribly jealous that you’re seeing someone else, therapist says you should only see DBT person because you really need it. Look lady, I need medication, and this “facility” requires that I see a therapist regularly in order for a psychiatrist to prescribe my bipolar and ADD meds. So go fuck yourself, and let me get the help I need since your effectiveness ended over a year ago.

1. I feel anxious. 2. It’s okay that I feel anxious. 3. It makes sense that I feel anxious, given the current circumstances I’m experiencing with my therapist. It’s scary to feel like the source of your therapy and medication are being threatened since they are both essential to your mental health and well-being.

Pat, pat.