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The holidays... is rough.

Im coming upon Yule with my daughter. When i got pregnant, we agreed to celebrate Christian and pagan holidays but keep her open to learning and appreciating all religions. Then, when her father and I separated, we agreed that he'd get her for the Christian holidays and I for the pagan.

This is year 9. And we hold steady to buying gifts seperately but keeping each other informed and sharing what we bought for either holiday. Usually, he is here for the first night of Yule festivities. But for the 3rd year now, he won't. And it doesn't feel right. I do not encroach on their Christmas celebrations, but since my family does celebrate, he still brings her over to see everyone.

My constant stress is not thinking I've done enough. The gifts aren't good enough. The meals aren't good enough. Also having to explain to my family for the 20th year in a row that I celebrate Yule, what it means and just because i was raised on christmas doesnt mean i still in my adult age have to continue it. So it's just me feeling less than while also standing up to my beliefs in a very loud, invalidating and albeit... Black family.

It just feels like every day is a fight with them and who i am and how i wish to continue my life. But around the holidays, things get more heated, and everyone has a shorter fuse. This year, im going to try and state it once and let it go. It'll be a challenge for sure because every criticism or complaint is like a personal jab. And the fact that Yule falls on a saturday and my daughter is getting older she doesnt always want to be up my ass now so i have given her the choice to go to her Dads after we have dinner and light our candles.

Im still getting accustomed to being by myself and being ok with it and trying to fill it with well spent time with myself doing me things but the holidays just bring out anger and irritation at change, even change that i started when i was 13. Im trying not to dabble in the negative and keep a positive headspace going into this, but then i overthink and get anxious.

How do you get through the holiday season with losing your mind or being depressed? Should I be working on emotional regulation to prepare or work on setting my boundaries, or should i just let everyone argue and i ignore them? I dont want answers exactly, but i would like to come to some idea before all the chaos starts...

Anywho, Happy Holidays all. I'm hoping for a quiet and calm holiday season to end out the year.

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My biggest painting ever done. What is it you ask? I'm not sure. What was I feeling when I painted it? Jealous... Jealous that I'm not a first pick. Not even to myself. Currently on the stairs reminding myself that it's just a feeling and it's ok to feel it.

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Every weekend, as my childs packs her over night bag to go to her Dads house i start to feel, sad. Im not entirely sure if that is the correct emotion but we will get to that.

Saturday nights when you are child free are usually seen as a time in a single parent's week where they get to let loose and forget responsibility and be an adult... but not for me. I spend it feeling empty, meaningless, not needed, and lonely. A lonely where you have no one to care for, no one to talk to and no real reason to do anything... so i rot in my bed and think about what other 30-somethings are doing on a saturday night.

When it comes to being lonely there is a weird guilt and shame that comes with not having a friend or significant other to be bothered with, not having any idea past caring for a child or household that could be done and even "self-care " as we now adays call it seems more exhausting. Add on having social anxiety and BPD... it creates a self hatred atmosphere of not being real unless you are caring for others.

I'm not saying that caring for others isn't important but for me its my whole life currently. I guess I could go into how I got here but that may be for another post.

I just miss having something to do besides sitting with myself and my own thoughts, which are always thoughts that can't be trusted. Cause I'm not lonely because no one wants me or loves me, i'm not annoying or needy. I'm just a human that would like attention, affection and just a thought about them made known. I don't feel as though I am asking for much from anyone but it's more than the people I have can offer so I need to find happiness in my solitude.

So whether I am painting, creating, writing or reading I will enjoy my time alone and not think of this as a punishment for the life I once lived and has now broken my brain in a way that is not easy for me to fix. I guess, I'll just start by writing honestly on my own adventures in solitude. And share that with no one or someone. It doesn't matter, but it does help to get the thoughts out of my head.

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"I feel small, but so are stars from a distance." -C.Kennedy, Slaying Isidore's Dragon