boubastis

[boubastis]

mornings are for coffee and sertraline

[boubastis]

Rachel Lumsden (British, 1968) - Zephyr (2024)

[boubastis]

kayak, 2023, oil on canvas, 100 x 150 cm

[boubastis]

Пробую новые таблетки от тревожности, говорят очень эффективные. Все натуральные тырыпыры. Не знаю как в миксе с алкоголем но пока все пучком. Надо запастись ими и ехать домой. Когда тело в тревоге с определённым человеком, даже если очень хочется быть с ним - нужно слушать тело. Хотя страшно ошибиться, ведь все что я умею делать хорошо это делать ошибки.. а с другой стороны, хочется чтобы судьба расставила все на свои места. Чувствую сонливость. Таблетки работают

[boubastis]

I try so hard to make it work. Fighting constantly with inner monologues. It seems the outcome is always the same. I didn’t gave up. I yet again, surrender to the reality of the situation. I cannot change it, nor should I. I am exhausted but what’s the way out?

[boubastis]

Tired of worrying. Exhausted by the constant anxiety existence. I surrender to the fact of given problem.

[boubastis]

Have you been so mentally fragile that you start crying while scrolling tinde cus all of them are ugly. Bear in mind you have a long distance boyfriend. But it makes no difference because you have nothing to talk to him, neither he messages you. But for some reason you’re sacred to break it off because the last time you’ve been with him he made you feel loved. And for some reason he’s not breaking it off too. Maybe for the same reason maybe not.

#depression #relationship #distancerelationship

[boubastis]

Why is it so difficult to face the reality of change in your life story, prior to the changing event, fully aware of the possible outcome?

It is as if we sleepwalk through the life and bam! When it happens you’re awaken from that hypnotic state, faced with pinching fact of certain change. Why is it so human to be shaken by the change even if our consciousness allowed us to peak into the future of it?

Not negative, not positive, just is. Yet, still so much uncertainty in it it, so paralysingly anxious.

Your brighter side sees an opportunity in it, a ray of endless possibilities. The darker though, sucks into the abyss of unease. Like Yin and Yang balancing on blade of sentient mind.

Still, none of these questions matter. Not even our outlook or feeling on it. Because the only really certain thing is - change. Deny it or accept it. Just like with death, it’s certain yet so much anxiety about it. Perhaps the fear of certainty is somewhat linked to that final event - death. In more subconscious, evolutionary ways.

[boubastis]

Maybe I am weak..

Again and again we try. It’s impossible not to compare our lives to others. It’s only human. Yet, again and again we blame ourselves. But truth is, others do have it better. And yes, maybe I am weak. Weaker. How is it measured? If by the level of sensitivity I am certainly the weakest. I can’t seem to figure it out. The time I think I have it all, I realise I was wrong yet again. I might never find my place, but I don’t wish to stay in the current wrong one. I’d rather die trying to find it. They say you have to create it. But you can only create it in the right circumstances. These are not. But how do I know? By the intensity of my own deterioration. But it is worth suffering for a particular goal. But when you don’t have one? Should you go on your seeking spree again? Or stick to it in hopes of finding out on the way? There is no right or wrong. But there’s always the wrong decision. It’s hard to exist with certain inherent predispositions. Because ultimately the enemy is you. But you cannot manipulate the situation because situation is stronger than you.

I am weak, because I cannot cope with reality and rather disappear. But maybe that’s my brains fault and not mine? I’m just a marionette of my own chemistry. I want my existence to feel natural. But maybe suffering and desire to disappear is natural. Natural to my specific being. Whether I like it or not I’m only here to pass the evolutionary torch. Make it happen already so my story can finally end.

[boubastis]

Patiently waiting for this emotional state to pass but can’t help to reinforce rumination. My brain is trained to think negatively. I haven’t felt normal or happy since I was 11. Don’t think life gets better. You just get on with it and that’s what I’m trying

[boubastis]

Just wanting to hold on to tonight so I don’t have to face tomorrow. Living in the moment

[boubastis]

I wish I was a tree

[boubastis]

Don’t wanna die don’t wanna live either

[boubastis]

Virgil Finley -Galaxy Magazine - A Planet Named Shayol - October 1961 - p33 http://flic.kr/p/euUrnY

[boubastis]

'suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem'

I think it's past temporary when I've felt the same for 10 years now

[boubastis]

i am tired. i am exhausted. from my head to my soul to my bones i am so fucking tired.

[boubastis]

Here she lie bleeding, blue wounds just to tell us in our floppy hats it’s over The cops are rubber animals So we played the carnival. Car. Carne. Feast of meat. Celebration of blood The cliffs no longer contain faces. “I know what jail is like” & “I know about time.” He stood in a strange centre by the meeting point of worlds frozen streets on fire

Jim Morrison, from “Loose Page Poems” [Photo by Jim Marshall]