bpdproblemgirl

[bpdproblemgirl]

I’m so high right now… I miss you, I want too run, run away from all of the people in my life so it’s just you. I want you to want me, love me, need me . The same way I do… I’m such a coward for not doing it. I’m sorry I’m so sorry that I’m so scared of change. I can’t handle change it’s so difficult for me I’m sorry

[bpdproblemgirl]

[bpdproblemgirl]

There is something poetic about the song you wrote … and how even Spotify decided it’s the link between us… I listen to it everyday I had a brake after the situation but now I listen to it every single day. There is something about us that I can’t explain. I wish I wasn’t such a coward and actually did something about my feelings. I try to be good, a good sister, girlfriend, friend and daughter but the decisions I make are selfless and I wish I was more selfish. I wish I could posses you, make me yours but it doesn’t work like that… in a couple of months I will be gone and it will be a relief for everybody. I wish you all the best and I hope that you forgive me for my wrong doings. I will love you for ever <3

[bpdproblemgirl]

Sometimes it’s just like that, I think about you every day… I’m sorry to be such a pain in your heart. I’m sorry that I was such a coward that prioritised my selfish desires over the love you would have given me… you deserve better than someone like me. I hope you will live a good life, an easy life. With someone who is not sick

[bpdproblemgirl]

The question was never when will someone love her?

but how could someone love her…

[bpdproblemgirl]

11.03.2025

I woke up this morning and thought to myself that I really, really, really don’t feel like living. I got dressed and brushed my teeth. I went outside and helped my mom tidy up the flowers in the garden. I spent the whole day in bed thinking about life and my personal dilemmas. Everything I do, I do for someone else—even living, I do it for my loved ones so they won’t have to spend the rest of their lives blaming themselves for my death.

John reaches out from time to time, but Alex has completely cut me off. If you're reading this, either you're depressed or you also have BPD and understand what I’m talking about… Every day, I think about the person I could have been if I weren’t sick, and every day, I try to be better. But for now, I’m tired of trying without seeing any changes. But oh well…

On the bright side, at least Kaneki is coming to DBD, so I’ll have something fun to play.

I don’t have anything else to write today—I have no energy, and I’m just drinking my wine…

Positives:

The wine is good.

The music I’m listening to makes me feel a little better.

Rookie stayed with me all day and watched over me.

Song of the day: Spotify Link

To whoever is reading this, I hope you're having a better day than I am. ❤️

[bpdproblemgirl]

10.03.2025

Today I stayed at home, but I didn’t go to work with my dad this week; I don’t have the strength for it, but instead, I cleaned the whole house… it was such a mess that I’m ashamed, I don’t know what my mom does all day. I feel guilty that despite my dad wanting to help me so much, I’m avoiding him and not going with him, but I need to stay in the countryside and be surrounded by nature because if I don’t, I think too much. I would like to go to a party and get drunk, you know just too get fucked up, not being able to stand on my legs and vomiting, not think about anything else. My sister is starting to build her life, and she’s only a year older than me. I’m ashamed that I came back to my parents' house without money and without a plan, without a driver’s license… I feel like a failure in life. I’m 22 years old and can’t hold down a job or maintain any relationships. I only have one real friend who hasn’t given up on our relationship, but the number of times I’ve split on her is terrifying, and she still loves me. I wish I could be a better person with plans and goals in life, but for now, I have no motivation to get out of bed and sort myself out. I’m not feeling sorry for myself, just stating the facts. Today I wrote to Alexey that I don’t understand why, after he told me he’d wait until I get my life together, he’s leaving me when he used to say that he loved me. It feels strange because I thought I had a friend, and I had something to live for. I hoped I would have someone to go to parties with or even go fishing with, haha. I really thought I would have a friend, but as usual, he fell in love with me and wanted something more. I’m not ready for a relationship yet because I’m still struggling with the one I’m in, and I don’t know what I’ll do about John because right now I’m trying to end it, but he won’t leave me alone. Even though I love him, I know I’ve wasted 5 years of my life being by his side through thick and thin, but he wanted me to be a housewife and raise children, and I want more. I just don’t know what exactly yet. I don’t know. Life is a poet who decided to write a drama, and I am its main character. I hope that if you’re reading this, you’re having better days than I am.

Time for three positives:

Beautiful weather, it was really nice outside today, but unfortunately, I didn’t have time to enjoy it.

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Song of the day:

[bpdproblemgirl]

It's a massacre but I don't want to, I went back to my house in the big countryside, I've been here for 3 weeks and it's a massacre, I've had enough. I go to work with my dad and fuck, I'm in the same place I was when I was 16. Alex broke off contact with me because he fell too much in love with me and John is running away and has no time for me, when I tell him that I don't feel loved and feel dirty he doesn't care, I promise that I'll improve. Tomorrow I'm going again with my dad and I have no strength anymore, is this what life is all about? I was with Julia and rookie for a walk and I was looking for positives but my brain keeps going back to what could have been with Alex… I feel like an impostor in my own body, anger and rage choke my throat and the desire to be better rots in my mind. My body is dirty and my soul is lost, happiness is where I feel wanted or at least that's how it was now I want to be alone and slowly connect with the earth under my heavy body I feel everything I touch dies and loses all its color everything I care about slips from my fingers and turns into dust that flies through my fingers and I try to lose as little of it as possible. I want to be better, happier I want to have fun and discover the world, I want to learn so many things, I want to experience and see so much more. I want to live but I don't know how to start, I don't know how to get out of survival mode, when I think about my driving license I feel like throwing up and I feel his hands all over my body, I'm terrified and I keep coming back to how easy it was for him to show pictures of his children and wife and then start groping me and when I tried to stop him I couldn't, my body hasn't been mine since then but his… everything I've done since then was just to find some comfort and escape from this helplessness and now I'm weaker than ever before, I'm not mine or Johns and still in his head, he was the first since then I feel dirty and no matter how much I drink, eat or smoke I'll always be in this car on the side of the road. I can't get over it no matter how much I want to be better I always come back to this place and every time I feel comfort it's ripped out of my hands by these thoughts. I am not a good person I am not a good person I am a sinner who tries to find comfort in disgusting things to feel a little like a normal person, I am the worst kind of person, selfish and jealous, I want to be the one who decides about me and my life and I have entered such a mode that I do not take any initiative. My teeth sink into every person who feels something for me because what if this person helps me what if I can copy their positive traits and start functioning like them, my desire to be hurt is nothing more than a desire to have control over my body, and I already have so many scars that only remind me of how disgusting I am, no matter what I do they will always be there.

Wow that was a good rant but now it's time for 3 positives from today:

Rookie on a walk and what a lovely dog ​​she is.

Shower and how nice it is to have access to warm water

Alex and that he appeared in my life, he may not have been here long but he was a valuable experience

Song of the day: https://open.spotify.com/track/29LsI5izZL8txZEJhegSBs?si=85aac0bcecdd4805