bunnylafee

[bunnylafee]

Confidence

I've been noticing a trend lately that I havr more confidence than I use to. I have two main people other than my therapist to thank for that. My ex and a friend of mine. Obviously I can only contact one of these people to thank and talk about it.

I was driving around yesterday with a stuffie as a body double running errands and I got to thinking. Before I met my ex, I wouldn't leave the house in a midriff and if I did show a bit of tummy, I would have such anxiety and insecurities about it. Now?! I show some stomach even though due to a variety of reasons/issues I've put some weight on.

I wear lingerie to pole class! Sometimes being the only one is skimpy outfit in class. I like to think that my ex had a hand in it because she made me feel good about myself and I wanted to show off my body to her. Like as long as she was looking, I didn't care who else saw.

My friend well, positive comments and making me say it helped. Always not just saying I'm sexy or whatever but compliments my personality, mind, body parts, deeper things than just always the surface. It felt nice and over time, like a rock in the waves I got worn down. I don't mind. I can take compliments better and actually sometimes believe them!

I know I have a long way to go and I still very much struggle with my body issues but I do challenge myself and try hard to make positive choices.

Thank you to all you guys too!! Sending me nice things and compliments all these years. Continue to do if you choose, I feel like I'll appreciate them more now.

[bunnylafee]

New favorite quote from a book.

[bunnylafee]

Seven months post breakup.

I've decided to go back up on my mood stabilizer. Back where I was a year ago, back to square one. I feel like a massive failure due to this. Can't keep a girlfriend, can't be mentally stable. There are good days. I'm still adjusting to the new dosage of medication.

Mood swings. Negative self talk. The works.

My therapist has been telling g me how much I seem to have been improving. I take the things I learn in therapy and I'm applying them, coming up with back up plans for when I'm in the moment and forget. Things that are small that can lead to big changes.

I feel stuck. Stuck remembering, stuck locally, stuck internally.

I have been reaching out to people I consider friends to help me or just to talk to when I need it. It hasn't been helping like I want because my heart is broken and no one has glue, beat we got is flimsy paper tape that keeps falling off.

I got another tattoo. More goblin core aesthetic.

I'm really hoping the medication helps and settles my moods and makes them go away. I'd rather be numb than feel like this.

I miss me.

[bunnylafee]

May 30th.

It would've been our 3 year anniversary. I have mixed feelings about this. The feeling of loss yes but also kinda numb and indifferent. You never remembered anyways so what's another day? I survived the day better than I thought I would.

I kept myself semi busy and self punished. I looked at the rose you got me on our last date, found a little note you wrote me and put it in there.

You might have not thought you were the best girlfriend but to me you were pretty great. Some improvement could've happened if I had spoken up or voiced my concerns.

We had our ups and downs, mostly towards the end but we were good together. I will always cherish you and hold you in my heart. My first sapphic love.

I will always love you in a way. Love you for who you were with me and how you treated me. I'm slowly moving on but I am moving on.

I wish you all the happiness and love in the world.

Goodbye.

[bunnylafee]

Straight up I’ll shower you with compliments if that’s what you want. You absolutely deserve it. Goddess divine 😉

Might be nice? It would test me in how much I can take. I've only just started to learn to accept compliments.

[bunnylafee]

You’re just… wow 😍😍

I'm glad you think so! I struggle a lot with self image issues so your comment/compliment helps.

[bunnylafee]

Just some looks from when I did my first two live streams.

Got a new game today. Another Final girl storyline.

Posting stuff over at the spice market.

[bunnylafee]

Seven months post breakup. I still have feelings but they have shifted to being more distant than they use to be. I still imagine her 60-80% of the time when talking to myself. Depending on topic it could be way less.

I think I'm doing better. I feel stupid for all the ways I was after the breakup now. I feel stupid for how I acted around people or just in general. I feel stupid still for not being "over" her yet.

Looking back, I see myself as the villain and in the wrong for lots of things and how I acted both during the relationship and after.

I've been working HARD on myself these last 7 months and my therapist says I've made great progress. I'm not where I want to be but I don't think I ever will be. I keep moving the goalpost on that. Setting little ones along the way so I barely notice the changes.

I still very much hate myself in several ways.

[bunnylafee]

I saw my therapist this week. We had a good discussion on how I've progressed amd she's proud of me and I should be proud of me for all the growth I've had especially in the last six months. How I've been dealing with everything and how I'm learning to better stop my spiraling and wallowing in self pity and hurt.

Had a short but meaningful conversation with Hubbs today that was needed. Time restrains didn't allow for us to build or expand, but what was said needed to be said. So that's good. He and I have been connecting more and getting back into our old rhythm while having better boundaries.

I feel like I'm improving some, little bit each day.

Maybe I'm not completely a lost cause.

[bunnylafee]

Six months

That's how long it's been since the breakup. I still think about her and all the fun we had, all the good memories we shared. All the heartache I have.

I was talking to my therapist today how even after everything, the heartbreak, mean words she's text me (telling me how she hates me), all of it I still love her and couldn't be mad at her. I completely understand why she had to do it and I will respect that decision (as if I have a choice).

My therapist says I'm making good progress and I'm self aware, I understand the steps I need to take and it's just a matter of actually doing it. Such as standing up for myself, having boundaries, learning to have self worth, self esteem and confidence in myself. She finds it funny that I hate affirmations and is glad I'm figuring out a different way to do that. Like talking to myself or writing here or in my physical journal.

I should really write in my physical journal more. Not like daily but at least weekly. Just a check in or figuring out that weeks positive and negative moments. Write more about me. Hyping myself up.

I feel like I'm making some sort of progress in a positive way. I'm slowly having more time between thinking about my ex than I use to. I know for a fact she's moved on. It hurt to find out but I knew I was replaceable and it was a matter of time. I probably never meant that much to her or maybe she moves on fast from one person to another. Either way, I hope she's happy and finds the love she deserves.

I choose me. I choose to work on me and make myself better for me. That way when the next female I date and if possible fall in love with, I'll be ready and in a healthier place. *fingers crossed *

I'm learning that some walls are ok to have while still allowing people in, just stop making it a maze like I usually do. I wish there was so many things I could take back, I could reword or explain better.

I want someone to talk to, I don't have anyone. I barely have friends and they are.. conditional at times. Constantly pushing everyone away, I should stop doing that but self defense mechanism. Can't hurt or break my heart if I don't let them too close or do it first.

I hate myself

[bunnylafee]

Ring marks

Edit: since this is my most reblogged post I’m going to attach my twitter and Instagram. Please follow me. Bunnylafee

[bunnylafee]

Happy Birthday to me Motherfuckers!! Have some booty.

[bunnylafee]

So I've had a bit of a day.

I saw my ex's snap story about how she's definitely moved on and I got upset, not going to lie. We aren't friends on there or anything but it popped up in my stories tab. I was curious yes but I also forgot for a second and out of habit I clicked it. Should I have? No. Did I? Yes.

I did cry. I always told myself and even her a few times, I am replaceable. I knew she would move on quicker than me. Maybe now my heart will stop lamenting for her and I can move on. Maybe it's what I needed.

I went to the beach to just just be for a lil bit. Driving with the windows down, music in the background playing as I go through the city. Then listening to the waves and walking on the beach. Sat for a lil bit to just be. Then went back to my car and drove home. I'm feeling a bit better. The only thing that could've made tonight perfect was a trip to a late night diner.

[bunnylafee]

Today was rough mentally for me. When left alone with my thoughts, it usually doesn't go well.

I was thinking about her again today, which just upset and depressed me. I was thinking to all the times I fucked up, felt like I fucked up and/or never explained myself right, over explained myself. Just basically almost every interaction I had with my ex. I was thinking what if things were different.

What if by some miracle she asked me to be hers again, I know it will NEVER happen. I understand that. The reason we broke up, there was no coming back from. Not without heartbreak.

But it was a what if playing in my head, what I'd do differently, be better, improve myself. How I would communicate better and not be so fucking childish and overly romantic. How I would play it more cool and not tell her every little thing about my shitty day, just say it was shitty and leave it at that. How I wouldn't be so.. needy? I don't know about that one. Just was thinking all the ways I could've been better.

Then all that depressed me and made me miss her even more. I want nothing more than to be the reason she smiles. I will never be the reason anymore. I am nothing but sorrow and anger for her. Probably more anger than sorrow.

Five months and I'm still thinking about her. Fucking pathetic. I'm fucking pathetic. I don't know how I could ever make anyone happy.

[bunnylafee]

Five months. It's been five months and I feel like I'm FINALLY coming to the surface after the breakup. It's been a long journey with set backs and slow progress or just progress in other areas.

Don't get me wrong, sometimes I still feel a deep sadness for the loss but it's not as bad as it has been. It feels like I can finally breathe and not feel like crying. I know she will never read/see this. As if it matters if she did, what's she going to do? Text me? Doubtful.

I've been making a ton of progress in therapy about personal growth and shit. Better communication, regulating my emotions, discussing, dissecting, and working through emotional abandonment along with all my other abandonment issues, and that include trust. I'm starting to be in a better place.

I'm starting to feel like me again but better?

I got a new tattoo recently and a haircut today. My therapist has said how proud she is of me for all the work and progress I've been doing. Using Kindroid for that quick fix between sessions or asking it stupid questions. While working through the tough stuff in therapy. She's happy I'm finally coming out of the fog. Not everyday is perfect or happy but I'm alive.

My birthday is next week. I don't have anyone to spend it with so I'll just stay home I guess and play games, cuddle the dog, watch TV.

That's the update. I'm on a rollercoaster of emotions and the sun is metaphorically out. Maybe there will be rain clouds later but until then, I'm going to enjoy this feeling.

[bunnylafee]

It's almost my birthday. Throwing this out there into the sea, incase anyone wants to something for my birthday.

Either way.