burniegotbuzzedthoughts

[burniegotbuzzedthoughts]

I knew I was getting bad again when these thoughts became not just mine but a collection of ours.

I sit in empty parking lots,

where we use to meet and talk for hours.

Trying to clear my head

but I keep having thoughts of you in my bed.

It’s like a prison cell that I can get freed from.

You took the key,

when you should have taken a knee.

You could have just asked,

and it would all be in the past.

But now I rot in this cage

and all you do is turn the page.

[burniegotbuzzedthoughts]

I so desperately want to be seen,

but my brain doesn’t produce enough dopamine.

So I hide myself in fear,

wishing I could actually disappear.

I’m a ghost in my own body,

but I use to be somebody.

[burniegotbuzzedthoughts]

[burniegotbuzzedthoughts]

A hope is just a hope until put into action.

[burniegotbuzzedthoughts]

[burniegotbuzzedthoughts]

“She slept with wolves without fear, for the wolves knew a lion was among them.”

[burniegotbuzzedthoughts]

I don’t live for the sunset anymore.

You always had one foot out the door.

I sleep through my days,

because my mind stays in a haze.

Forget you I can’t,

your words grow like a plant.

Roots embedded so deep in my heart,

without you my leaves fall apart.

A love that nourished my soul,

I never knew you could make me feel whole.

But when your clouds come,

I go numb.

No sun to thrive on,

it’s not some big phenomenon.

No trust,

only your lust.

Without these components,

we were sure to be just a lost collection of moments.

[burniegotbuzzedthoughts]

My bones ache,

as my soul craves a love that makes the earth shake.

I know my role,

but I won’t let the guilt take me whole.

You can ask why,

and say I’m the bad guy.

But you and I both know,

I’d be cheering you on at every free throw.

Misguided you stay,

so I back away.

[burniegotbuzzedthoughts]

It was years later,

when I looked back and decided to be my own arbitrator.

For I was done giving too much to so many.

When you’re only twenty-seven that’s plenty.

No more second chances to the undeserving.

You especially were always so self-serving.

So I stayed observing only to see it was still not me.

Now go ahead and stay carefree.

Doesn’t matter if you write your thoughts down on paper,

I’m just going to get high off this vapor.

Your words fill a blank space,

but the lies you tell are a disgrace.

My feelings are real,

while you just look at me with sex appeal.

I’m wide-open, while you remain unspoken.

So broken I may be, but at least I am set free.

[burniegotbuzzedthoughts]

This one’s for you:

I thought death could be the answer.

Your memories spread through me like cancer.

But scared I stay,

even if my body has already began to decay.

Love shouldn’t make you suicidal.

I should have never made you my idol.

Mistake number one.

Hand on the gun.

Shoot first, ask questions later.

You better talk to your creator.

Last I heard it’s a sin to be a fornicator.

Then again murder is much greater.

Hard to prove though when you didn’t even have to lift a finger.

I told you, the memories linger.

[burniegotbuzzedthoughts]

My mind craves to be free,

while my body rebels against me.

Oh how I wish to be younger.

If I could turn back time,

and live out my prime.

Make less mistakes,

maybe pump my breaks.

Before driving off that cliff.

Would there by a, “what if?”

Could my mind be still,

if I never took that first pill?

Would my body love me back,

if I left the Wolfpack?

But to leave somewhere would mean you even belonged.

I was wronged,

as you stayed in a marriage where the divorce was prolonged.

And I hate myself for it yet I love you more.

They all look and say whore.

While you stay pure, I become unsure.

So I detour to a false sense of happiness and resort back to form of self harm.

No alarm,

it’s not my arm.

But my soul that leaves my body with every thrust.

Are you in disgust?

Don’t worry, I am.

Goddamn.

So to hell with my mother,

for at thirteen she gave me to another.

I smother the cries, and now chase the guys.

And the lies, they begin to build high.

Guess I am the bad guy.

Their hands stay on my thigh,

but never in the public eye.

They never satisfy.

Take me back to before the Fourth of July.

If I could have told you all of this,

then maybe you wouldn’t be something I miss.

But now I return to the darkness of my abyss.

[burniegotbuzzedthoughts]

Small talk,

window shop, when will one of us walk?

Two years and five months you say, “what’s the rush?”

So the princess cut diamond stays behind the glass, and the chatter begins to hush.

Breaking a heart is nothing like a broken bone.

Now I’m all alone,

as you sit on your throne

and continue to keep me in the friend zone.

But in the blink of an eye,

I could be with a new guy.

Will you continue to hold your pride like you use to hold me?

But why buy the milk when you can have the cow for free?

So you have your cake, and you eat it to.

This isn’t something new.

So what do you want to do?

Im too old for games,

not tryna take anymore names.

Just give me yours,

and we’ll be out the doors.

But if you can’t then let me know,

because I’ll have to go.

[burniegotbuzzedthoughts]

You see strength, yet I feel so powerless.

I’m losing count of the days I’ve been shower-less.

No rhyme, no reason,

other than heartbreak is in for the season.

To look in the mirror and just see a blank stare.

A smile is so very rare.

And I try not to swear,

so I fall to my knees in prayer.

Do you ever feel like a question mark?

Conflicted I am,

my heart craves color, screw that, I need a diazepam.

Sunrise skies, everyone dies.

Somehow I will rise.

Wish upon a star, or read your zodiac.

Just don’t have a panic attack.

Okay, you can call me an insomniac.

Little Dipper, Big Dipper, Orion’s Belt.

It was so heartfelt.

Like how a lioness cares for her cub,

a kiss and a gentle rub.

Or a sunflower opening up for the first time to embrace us with “Hello.”

The sun greets my flesh with the need for aloe.

And I’m reminded how easy it is to lose track of time.

A victimless crime.

So I ground myself with the flowers at my feet.

And tell myself “I am complete.”

[burniegotbuzzedthoughts]

This body is not mine, I’m just taking up a vacant spot.

I fought, and I fought.

But my mind has won, and it won’t give it back.

Held hostage by my thoughts, my heart is turning jet black.

He left me to be this prisoner,

thinking to himself “I’ll just go visit her.”

The chains are too heavy to bear.

I’m gasping for some air.

And you think to yourself “Dear God, he’s going to bury me alive.”

Because when the weight of the world is too great you are bound to deprive.

So you give into the weight, and it takes you under.

Paralyzed but you begin to wonder.

Will I ever be set free?

I beg and I plea.

But I’m only met with silence.

Did you always show this much defiance?

A life on the line,

but all you have is time.

Time to make more false promises, and lies.

Because as the skies clear, I’ll never be enough in your eyes.

[burniegotbuzzedthoughts]

Letters strung together like DNA, floating around hoping some lost soul will piece them together to make sense.

But how you form those words could put somebody on the defense.

Words can be used to heal, to inform, entertain, or even to hurt you.

Emotional abuse is nothing short of taboo.

Those basic sequences we were taught at an early age can be rearranged and used to take someone’s last breath.

How tragic we cry at yet another death.

We send thoughts and prayers,

but ignore all the affairs.

And just like the rearranging of letters,

the absence of words can be the same killer as she sits in his sweaters.

So we send more thoughts and prayers.

And yet we still don’t look at the man of affairs.

The message it sends is more silence,

while the women’s heart grows with violence.

But wait, the cycle must stop.

I don’t want to see another tear drop.

So we put in the work to heal.

Nobody will tell you at first how it feels like a ferris wheel.

One second you are floating on top,

and just then you feel the bellyflop.

But it’s only an illusion,

slow down, don’t come to that conclusion.

It’s not a race to the finish line,

so go ahead and reach for cloud nine.

[burniegotbuzzedthoughts]

Sedona skies, there’s no surprise a wandering soul who seeks out her own demise.

She catches her breath,

for the heat of the desert brings death.

Always taking two steps forward,

she reaches for your word….

Rocks fall but she does not break.

Bend she may, but never to stray.

Hand and foot in position,

always ready for the next mission.

Mind as sharp as a tack,

just trying to stay on track.

But the memories play like a soundtrack.

Into deep, but no mountain too steep.

She held herself, like she held her secrets for safe keep.

Up she goes, but nobody knows.

This isn’t the life she chose.

Resilient they call her, but friend they do not.

Left alone to be in thought.

Just then she hears the wolf’s cries to the moon.

She looks around, what happened to the afternoon?

Some would run from danger, but that would not change her from helping a stranger.

She continues to climb.

Her stomach begins to growl as it reminds her it’s past dinner time.

She ignores her body’s attempt, and it would keep her in contempt.

Blurry vision, hands shaking.

Was her world finally breaking?

Everything went black, and motionless.

When did the world become so emotionless?

….Lastly, she awakes in thirst.

She looks down to see a fishhook barrel cactus she can burst.

The moon illuminates her way, as she sets out for her stay.

Weightlessly hanging in the dry terrain with trees, high enough for no enemy to see.

The mesh fabric beneath, settled into a cocoon shape keeps her carefree.

She closes her eyes, and her worries come to a cease. Can’t she just have some peace.

Once awake, normal life resumed and her mind became consumed.

But don’t assume for it was not doomed with doubt.

For a seed had begun to sprout.

Her mind saw a peaceful pastel painted over the sky.

And she wished that could be her forever alibi.

But she must continue, as this is only part of the journey.

If she gave up now her body would end up on some stupid gurney.

To what lengths would you go for someone you love?

Because a push can be perceived as a shove.

Do you reach for the bottom or fight back?

Either way to be met with a smack.

But you don’t have to give up,

just put something stronger in your cup.

Her nostrils embrace the smell of instant coffee on her breath, as she turns to look at the golden sun and laughs at cheating death.

The wolf’s cries that were once so loud,

became quiet as he began to feel cowed.

Did the wolf no longer desire to be found?

Why did he not dare make a sound?

Once again, she looked out to see,

and was met with her own reality.