butthenwestoppedtalking-blog

[butthenwestoppedtalking-blog]

When the Saga finally ends.

Monday September 6, 2016

Nashville: The End of the Saga

OKAY GUYS –

We all remember Nashville. You might have to think a little hard on it to really get the details down. 

FLASHBACK: Basically a year ago the most gorgeous human and I matched, he was obsessed with me, I was obsessed with me, he ghosted me a week before my (and our actually) birthdays after I missed a 2am FaceTime request. It was really bananas actually. And then I went bananas and sent the most uninhibited drunk texts of all time and probably should have given up technology for a few months, but instead I sent 15 drunk (unanswered) texts in one night and had about 100 failed FaceTime requests over the course of like 5 months.

THEN – drunk FaceTime WAS ANSWERED. I was baffled. He acted like nothing happened. It was really fucking weird. I was still in love, because the face guys, the face. I think that was the last post about him.

NOW – here we are, a year later – I went to Nashville (OBVIOUSLY NOT FOR HIM) and I was truly planning on not telling him, but let’s be real we’re all secretly waiting for that real life rom-com to do its thing, and he and I had been having a few sporadic FaceTimes, drunk and not, and texts here and there so I was like FINE IMMA TRY THIS OUT. I was with my best friend, and we had our good friend alcohol accompanying us so obviously this helped the sassy what up texts when we arrived.

Okay, back story pretty much complete.

So I get to Nashville. I text Nashville (ok we’ll call him Bob to avoid confusion for a while I guess. But he will forever be known as Nashville) like ‘hey we gonna meet up?’ NO RESPONSE. SURPRISE – GHOSTY STRIKES AGAIN.

We literally forget about it (thanks beer flights) until margarita pitchers and Tinder swiping at dinner, because duh. Plus, I had a backup – Matt, the new Nashville Tinder hottie was ready to meet at the drop of a hat. Literally. Like those southern boys, I can’t even. So we text a sassy “uh hello” and he responds IMMEDIATELY – “oh hi hi sorry hi” OMG HE LIVES. We’re like holy shit this could happen guys.

I tell him where we’re at, he says it’s good, I ask if he’s coming out – he can’t come out, because little did we know he’s got some douche-baggery hidden that we hadn’t even discovered yet. He has to work (fair, it’s Wednesday or Thursday or some night of the week I dunno I was on vacation guys) – GO TO THE ‘GYMNASIUM’ (ACTUAL WORDS) – then work more. OK YOU LITERALLY SUCK AND ARE ANNOYING WE’RE GONNA ORDER ANOTHER PITCHER NOW THNX.

Then he and I like simultaneously text that we’re going to an outdoor concert the next night. Cool! We’ll meet up. THEN I GET: 

- “Clearly I’ll be in VIP, but I’ll come out and say hi”

LOL OK FIRST OFF NO YOU WON’T COME OUT, I’M ALWAYS VIP. WE NEVER FIND THE TIME OR ENERGY TO SEARCH GA AT FESTIVALS. ESPECIALLY AT A FREE SHOW. Anyway, I work in the music industry. It is not particularly difficult to hook myself up, I am just generally a normal humble human being and don’t need to ask for favors for no reason. THIS WAS A REASON. I text my mentor/bestie/old boss – please can you help (he used to manage one of the bands before they became the band they are now, so SCORE) and of course he is a super-human and gets us artist passes day of. Magical man he is. So now CLEARLY we’re in VIP too. FUNNY HOW THAT WORKS. I am feeling myself like so on fire ready to be like oh funny how I also have passes but didn’t need to be a dick and like let you know I’d CLEARLY be back there. Ew like calm yourself.

So partner in crime and I (blog partner, traveling partner, life buddy, all things human that is my best friend) are backstage, loading UP on these free 16oz beers. Like LOADING UP. I’ve probably had 4 at this point. AND I SEE HIM. I point at him like ‘oh hellllllo’ and he does a weird dance over and I’m trying to play it cool but obviously I’ve just seen a ghost so I’m a little skittish. We’re chatting with him and his buddy, it’s actually totally fine and normal and butterflies are gone he’s just a normal dude and not perfection like my brain has told me the past year. So that’s nice. Band #1 we all wanna see is about to go on so we all go into the pit, I’m like yo we can tag along right and he’s like of course. Oh thank god not time for the awkward goodbye just yet. 

Like 2 songs in, he’s like oh – be right back. We’re like yea cool, drink refill – SMART MAN. NOPE – he comes back moments later WITH THE GIRL HE HAD BEEN HOOKING UP WITH PREVIOUSLY (I knew, he knew I did, I have asked about it, he called it a drunken mistake that was fully over) and I am immediately just embarrassed and also so amused because – alcohol – that I start laughing, and say yeah we are gonna go find our friends in GA. Like I’m sorry, I’d rather not stand here awkwardly with you and your whatever she is and feel like stupid when I am a kween. So we go stand side stage, get more beer, laugh, die over what just happened and enjoy our way better viewing section. I text because duh who am I – “lol that was good” (I may have included a thumbs up emoji I don’t remember unfortunately)

He comes up to me later and whispers “it’s not what it seems like” and walks away. UH OK BYE?!!?!? It was dumb and awkward and whatever, we’re side stage with free beer and one of my faves is about to go on so it’s FINE.

I’m HAMMERED and just dancing my soul out to the band, he never shows back up, I send some ‘lol ok great night thanks’ text, and he’s like ‘WE MET WE DID IT’ I’m like yea ‘congrats’ he’s like ‘to us’ and I am amazing and I’m like ‘no, to you.’ Then I tell him he treats people like shit and I’m glad we met but this chapter gets to be closed now.

As the Queen B would say ‘BOY BYE’

I am no average bitch boy.

So…. now…. finally, for real I met, conquered the ghost – call me a ghostbuster, we can finally, finally really stop talking. (he never responded in case that was a burning Q)

…. & then we (really) stopped talking.

[butthenwestoppedtalking-blog]

A magical moment, juuuuust like a movie

**submission**

So a couple months ago, I downloaded Bumble because Tinder just wasn’t doing it for me and I matched with this guy, Mr. Hollywood. We’ll refer to him as Mr. Hollywood because he was literally living in Hollywood AND he was the quintessential Hollywood guy - struggling actor, producer, director, author, musician. You name it, he does it.

On the day of our date though, he texted me at around 1 PM (I was fully prepared to give up on it at around 2 because he SUCKED at texting and hadn’t texted back in days) to confirm that we were still getting drinks. I confirmed because he was cute and JUST my type, damnit, but to my dismay, he suggested this bar that even HE himself described as “crummy.” CRUMMY?? Who wants to go to a bar that is right-off-the-bat described as CRUMMY?? NOT ME. But because I had nothing to lose, I still went. And surprisingly, the date was awesome even though the bar WAS pretty crummy. SO AWESOME in fact, that I got really drunk and slept with him that night. And I usually don’t like to do that.  He was the perfect gentleman, though. He walked me to my car, texted me to make sure I got home safely, told me he had a great time, kept saying I was a babe, etc. I was swooning. When I saw him two weeks later (he had been out of town for work), I told him that I was surprised I had slept with him so early on because I usually don’t do that, and he was soo sweet about it, saying that he didn’t want me to feel bad and that we didn’t have to have sex that night if I didn’t want to. He was an amazing kisser though. Still swooning. We hung out again the very next day and this is when he decided to bring up the good ol’ “So what are you looking for?” question. I told him I wanted to date someone and this is when he decided to tell me he was bad at commitment and that he always self-sabotaged things. I admit, I kind of panicked at this point and left his place with him telling me that he thought I was being guarded because of my past relationships. WELL NO DUH, SHERLOCK. So I went to my car and sat there feeling like utter shit and feeling like somewhat of a failure at dating. 5 minutes go by, and the weirdo that I am was still sitting in my car. At that point, I glanced at my side mirror and thought I saw something in the distance…right about where his apt was…something that looked like a person standing there… Sure enough, it was him and when I looked down at my phone, I realized he was also calling me. He was basically trying to chase me down after 5 whole minutes had gone by. What are the chances that I would still be outside at that point right?? Wow, what a magical moment, juuuuust like a movie. He came up to my car and told me he didn’t feel right with me leaving like that. He also kept reiterating that he looooved spending time with me, and when I told him he could just find another random girl to have sex with, he didn’t seem like he wanted to. So we ended up having sex right then and there in my car, went back into his apt, and fell asleep. And when I woke up just before 5 AM, he hugged and kissed me as if it all meant something. Awww, so sweet~ But then two days later, he called me to tell me he still couldn’t do commitment and that all he was looking for was a fuck buddy. …& then we stopped talking. :]

[butthenwestoppedtalking-blog]

I stayed up past my bedtime for this?

Monday, June 6th 2016

I dragged a friend of mine to see a band at a bar the other night. Mostly because I have been living by the philosophy “I’m not getting any younger!” so I’m trying to do things that the youth should take part in. I.E. going to Hollywood for a show with an 11:30pm set time. (cue the inevitable yawning)

Friend asked if he could bring the girl he’s seeing, which is great, I’m LITERALLY A PROFESSIONAL at being the third, fifth, seventh, ninth…eleventh (yes, THAT happened to me this weekend...) wheel so sure why not? Bring it on. The three of us (yayyyy) arrived, got a drink and went up to the stage. Lo-and-behold, my friend knew the band’s agent. Male. Early 30s. So, in a group of three, he naturally became the fourth.

Due to my undeniable charm, agent stayed by my side during the night. Flirting, chatting, bought me a drink. Even walked me out when I had decided ‘if I leave now, I’ll get five whole hours of sleep! Oh god oh god’ and asked for my number. I gave it up, as any desperate single lady would, and received an immediate “hey! it’s me. What are you doing on Saturday? Would love to hang out” BOOM. NAILED IT.

Two days before the date, something unavoidable came up for Saturday in which I had to send a “so sorry, raincheck?” text. Agent responds that “oh, yeah, I’m busy Saturday too. And Sunday. So maybe some other time….”

 & then we stopped talking. WTF????

[butthenwestoppedtalking-blog]

At least I can check it off my bucket list...

Wednesday, March 16 2016

So, I matched with this adorable guy like months ago - late night, I was a lil tipsy and just getting home around midnight. Of course when I drink I have to send everyone “hey” messages, just to get the ball rolling. He responds trying to hang out like that night..woah! I let him know I’m actually wrapping up the night. AKA - make up is off, snuggie is on, hair is up, cats are cuddled, I’m in bed, goodnight.

He sends me his number, tells me he’s flying back home to the east coast but he’s intrigued by my job in the music industry and wants us to keep in touch. Oh, and wants me to get my whole company to vote for him to win a Grammy. I honestly thought this was a joke.

I think like a week goes by, and we start texting. He wants to jump on the phone and chat. oh god, I am the worst on the phone..but ok.

I don’t remember the exact timeline, but we hop on the phone one night. I learn all about the morning show he’s on, his various side projects, his Grammy nomination. All very exciting & not at all fake. But also really weird. It really depends on how you look at it. I have to say like besides the obvious fact that it’s impressive to be nominated, you need to be careful how you brag about that line of work.

 (I really wish I could give more details - but we have to protect Sunny’s identity. A little bit anyway. Calm down chica, I’ll give you more dirt later. Oh also, spoiler alert: He wins the Grammy. That’s mostly why I can’t tell you the category, you’d easily find my psuedo-celeb two-night stand, and he gets a surprising amount of internet coverage.)

 ANYWAY - I get the scoop on his whole career (or his 6 careers, literally this guy does so many random things. Like he’s a walking answer to all of the Craigslist ‘gig available’ ads) And the next day I tell my partner in crime the whole story - show her the picture he sent me of him and his adorable yellow sidekick. HUZZAH - she knows who it is. Her and her brother are like obsessed with his sidekick. They danced at the Macy’s Day Parade. I’ve never seen this parade, I’m kind of a holiday-Scrooge, drunk by 11am and watching Law & Order all day, so count me out of the loop. She texts her brother and he’s excited too. OK now I gotta go out with this guy...in 3 months when he’s back for the Grammy’s. Okay great, but you know I could find my prince charming in 3 months, so hopefully I’m still on the market (LOL JK).

Fast forward (insert montage of Snapchat selfies, phone convos, Andrew McMahon bonding, “goodnight my Konstantine” swoon-worthy text, and whatever other cuteness/then we stopped talking scares happened in those 3 months)

It’s Grammy week. I’m still single (fighting them with a stick though, I promise) He wants to hang. It’s really happening. Wooooah. (anyone remember Nashville? These things actually happening are not a thing I expect, ever)

He’s flying in - wants to come over straight from the airport. I mean obvious booty call, but yeah sure, why not.

He comes over.There is some small talk I think. Basically it’s so great and rom-com like, and I’m over the moon. The next day, he visits me at work. I work inside a Hollywood landmark, so I get him a roof tour. We go get fro yo and iced coffee and he is affectionate and adorable and I’m like ugh best week-long fling ever, and this is just day 1. Next few days we’re both a lil busy but I probably got drunk and invited him to stuff like every night hehe #whoops #stage5clinger

But he’s actually really nice about it and handles it like a champ - which is good, I think I’ve found one of those dudes that find it cute when I’m drunk & needy AF (they do exist, I promise. i.e. Shakespeare. you’ll hear about that one day)

He invites me to his Grammy showcase on a Saturday morning. at 10:30am. (so you can rule out certain categories now) and I am a very supportive person so I go. He’s surprisingly very grateful after I think bailing on me the night before. Okay, well now I feel good about it. I take off afterwards since he has other ‘Grammy shit blahblahblah’ to do. WHATEVER. 

I invite him to my friends show that night. He shows up, 30 mins later, without letting me know he’d be late...ok well that’s rude but I’m trying to not be pissed. Then he won’t come stand with us because ‘his friends like being in the back’....again....okay...that’s really dumb, I am with two of my really pretty friends so I feel like his buddies would be ok with standing up front...but ok whatever. Post-show he’s just so cute and I ignore my brain when I see cute boys so I forgive the douchery and he’s coming back to my place. Another wonderous night and the next day is dunh-dunh-dunhhhhh...VALENTINE’S DAY. He wakes up at like 5am (ok like 9am) and wants to go to yoga. I’m like uh that’s rude its Sunday ridiculously early like just hang out a bit bro. He agrees to stay. Uh, thanks, lucky me. ugh. But then it gets kinda cute and he says like happy valentines day and I’m the one to be like uh ew let’s not go there. Then he plays some pop-punk valentine’s day songs and I’m just loving it. Awwwwww. 

Then he does leave, but now I’m cool with it. Time to start drinking anyway. Plus, The Life Of Pablo was out so I needed some alone time with ‘Ye.

Next day - supportive me watches the live-stream of the pre-Grammy’s to see if he wins, he does. So exciting! I assume I won’t hear back but text anyway BECAUSE SUPPORT. Plus, I’ve officially slept with a Grammy winner. Scoooore. Except it feels pervy when I have to acknowledge the details of the win. That won’t make sense to a lot of you, but that’s ok. 

Anyway, that night I watch the real show with some girlfriends, and then two of us go out for drinks and get cute hoping we can meet up with him after. He is super cold via text...tells me I can’t go to the party he’s at...I’m trying to be understanding because I’ve been on the arranging side of Grammy parties and I do know it’s hectic. But he’s like...really cold. So that is rubbing me the wrong way. But then we see Father John Misty at the bar and all is well in the world.

A few days later, I’ve basically given up on seeing this human ever again...when suddenly he invites my friend and I to a show in the OC on his last night in town. One of my FAVORITE bands from my youth are playing so of course we’re in.

Cut to that night (he may have actually invited me the morning of..I can’t remember now), I had basically the most stressful day at work and when my friend meets me I’m literally crying the day off but trying to be stoked for the night. Then I pull myself together just in time for him and his buddy to pick us up. I won’t bore you with details - but basically the night was AWFUL he was so stand off-ish and we we’re 2 hrs from home and I just wanted to punch everyone, drink everything, and eat all the fro-yo. NOT the night I hoped for. Oh, and we missed the one band I cared about. 

Next day OF COURSE I left shit in his car, and we had to meet up off the fwy - magically he was on his way to the airport at the same time I was headed to work, coming from the same direction. Awkward city, I’m hungover and embarrassed, he’s still an ass. Ironic, considering he smiles all day for a living.

Anyway he proved my theory that you should never date a musician (any type of musician) to be correct. But at least I can cross this off my bucket list.

...& then we stopped talking.

[butthenwestoppedtalking-blog]

opposites just do not attract

March 15, 2016

I’m very, very much over the tinder scene. Is it just me, or is the pool getting worse and worse? Like, all the good ones found their queens and I’m left with the guys in the clearance bin.

I got “ping’ed” (like my dad would say) by a guy named Alex. He told me he lives in Santa Monica. Old me would say “i quit!”, but it’s been a while so I decided to put by Westside bias’s aside and talk to Alex. He’s quick, fun, super into everything that’s going on. I’m even smiling when he texts. Real  human emotion! But then he sends me a selfie and I can almost hear the cartoon “womp womp wooooomp” in my head.

To add to it, in whatever the opposite of a mic drop is, I get the “oh, by the way, I’m sober. do you care?”

I let him down gently... & then we stopped talking.

[butthenwestoppedtalking-blog]

Dealbreakers Talkshow #0001

Wednesday, February 24th 2016

The amount of red flags that appeared in this next boy situation should have made me abandon ship long ago, but I did not listen to my inner Liz Lemon when she told me “dealbreaker”.

I made a tinder date with Landon on a Sunday night after a friend’s show. I wasn’t sure what I was getting into, because Landon is absent from all social medial. All of it. (Dealbreaker). So we’re all at post-show dinner and I explain my situation for the evening. I was losing steam since my friends & I couldn’t do any sort of pre-stalk ritual to get me pumped up for date. As time to leave crept up, I was this close (imagine my very close-pinched fingers) to cancelling, but my crew, nearly in unison, exclaimed “no!”. So, I begrudgingly drove off to my date after leaving halfway through a delicious vegan burger (shout out to Sage in Echo Park, wuddup).

Landon didn’t have much interest in coming to a place by me, so he set the night at a bar near his place. (Dealbreaker). He walked in and looked like an entirely different human. He sat down at my table….I gave him blank eyes, then a cocked head, as to say “sir, I think you are lost”. Nope, just my date who had “accidentally” shaved his head the day before. (Dealbreaker). We got a couple rounds of drinks but I was in a ‘cold-heart bitch’ kinda mood so he clearly didn’t think he’d ever see me again. Also we split the bill. (Semi-dealbreaker).

A few days later, I shot him a text. Because I am a sad sad woman. That text turned into getting happy hour…and we had a whirlwind date, traveling all over LA, had an amazing time, and eventually ended at his place. He let it slip that he doesn’t like it when girls stay over (Dealbreaker) but I’m like “woah buddy it’s a Tuesday, wasn’t planning on it.” Also, you’re not the boss of me so STFU.

These type of dates continue for 3 weeks, seeing each other two to three times a week. I managed to “accidentally” sleep over a couple nights, and he definitely let me know he was aware that I was there in the morning (Dealbreaker) but told me that it was fine, he’d allow it for me.

Then I check Landon’s tinder one day and see that he had updated 2 of his 4 pictures (Dealbreaker). My heart breaks and I decide we’ll never talk again.

Psych! He texted me. (They always do). I’m a weakling and decided to start seeing him again. And we did, and it was good, and I decided that I was still on track to wrapping him around my finger.

Then I checked Landon’s tinder another day and he had deleted his bio entirely. (Dealbreaker). I decided we’re over.

Wrong again! He hit me up to hang out the next weekend. I say yes, and then suggested we go see my friend play a show in Echo Park. Does he want to go? “Ehhhhh…not really. But you can come over after” (Dealbreaker). Mood changed, fuck that guy, Ima live my life and Ima go see my friend play sweet sweet music. And definitely, definitely not “go over after”.

The next week, my birthday approached. He got in touch to do something to celebrate. Landon took me out the evening before my real birthday, and we went to the same bar we always go to. “Maybe he’s tricking me…” I so naively thought to myself. “Maybe we have dinner plans after this”…I prayed to myself. I tried to crack his master plan, and suggested we go see my friend’s band (different friend) play downtown. He tells me Fuck No, and even though it’s my birthday, doesn’t want to spend his evening doing something HE doesn’t want to do. (DEALBREAKER X 1000)

So, I tried to kill him with my eyes. I think I was close by not quite successful. And made it apparent that WE(eeee). ARE NEVER EVER EVER. GETTING BACK TOGETHER.

…& then we stopped talking.

[butthenwestoppedtalking-blog]

Visiting Grandma, & Looking For Love

Wednesday February 10th, 2016

So, I match with this guy on Tinder - very short convo basically we immediately jump into ‘let’s make plans’

So we’re planning a fro-yo date that turns into a drinks date because unfortunately we’re not 12 and my fro-yo obsession has to remain a secret to the general public.

Anyway, it’s all set. THEN the day before said-date, I get a message...”So, tomorrow is my birthday”

UUMMMM oh...it is!?!! So why do you have a date with a stranger on your birthday. why. why would you do that?

I’m like uh, yo we don’t have to go out if you have real plans..like it’s ok.

And he’s like no, let’s do it.

well ok. I feel incredibly weird about it and am 95% sure he’ll cancel for real bday plans, but I am going to go along with this.

Later in the next day, about an hour before our meet-time, he texts me “lol omg this is so lame of me but my friends decided to surprise me for my bday. are you around this weekend? raincheck?” NO SHIT BRO. I respond “Yea, I’ve basically been waiting for that to happen. I have dinner plans Saturday but we could get drinks before I guess”

So then I’m pre-gaming at my partner in crimes place, we and another friend have dinner plans later so we’re just having some wine laughing about it all while also being way too excited for dinner after. Finally, it’s time. I call a Lyft and head over to the bar.

He’s super cute, so sweet and the date actually goes really,really well to my surprise. We make tentative plans for after my dinner to get drinks, and then to see Star Wars on Monday (I was the only person on earth who hadn’t seen it, and finally found someone willing to take me). 

Later in the night I’m a little buzzed, little excited about the good date so I go to his place after dinner. Obviously a little booty-call I KNOW SO SUE ME. But it was great so IDGAF. Then we watched that Justin Theroux/Jennifer Aniston movie and passed out. All in all, a really cute night.

Next morning we go get coffee and it’s all peachy. Few days later - I am NOT expecting Star Wars to happen since I already slept with him, whooops. BUT, we make plans, we are going to the movies! WOAH. Again, an adorable movie date. I can’t even at this point. 

So next day, he’s going out of town for 2 weeks which I already know is the kiss of death. I hate myself so a few days in I text asking how the cold east coast is. We have like 3-4 text exchange about weather. DEAD. SOS. SEND HELP.

I’m like alright this is done. THEN I am a stalker and look at his Tinder page and his bio is now “Visiting Grandma, and looking for love.” barf. BARF. Two days later, it’s “In town til the 6th looking for love” MORE BARFING. Like how sleazy are you bro?

Then he texts me a few days before his return, “hey stranger” - we have some on the surface bullshit convo because while disgusted by him, also - attention...sooooo I had to respond.

Then I check Tinder. HE’S UNMATCHED ME. What, afraid I will see your next sleazy bio update? get over yourself.

I text him - you’re hilarious with this unmatching business.

His response? I mean I’m not even sure what a good one would have been, but this was not it:

“Shit gets confusing. Don’t take it personally at all. Gotta keep shit organized”

EW. so basically gotta make sure you remember who you have and haven’t boned. COOL. Like immediate delete from phone. erase text history. puke and pretend none of that ever happened.

Another one bites the dust. So much for a nice Illinois boy. *le sigh*

....& then we stopped talking.

[butthenwestoppedtalking-blog]

it’s friday, so that means...

staring at my phone, waiting for my bae of the week to ask me “hey whats up”. its buzzed twice. both from mom. stop it mom i love you but you’re really putting me through an emotional rollercoaster right now.

what’s more than likely going to happen is i’m going to be home, alone, with a bottle of a red blend, reading about all the reasons why i am single.

check out our new internet friends’ book “This Is Why You’re Single” available now! It’s the new “Why Men Love Bitches”. Read. Learn. Love.

You can preview & buy the book at their website: http://www.thisiswhyyouresingleshow.com/

Hmmm...maybe we should write a OMG TEXT WHO IS IT WHO-MOM. stop. *le sigh*

See ya’ll on the flip side.

[butthenwestoppedtalking-blog]

my time with a man-bun

Thursday, January 28th 2016

Last summer I house-sat a place in Venice, CA for a period of time. Since it was almost like a vacation, I wanted a vacation fling. So, to my phone I went, and hinged with a guy with a twirly mustache. To some, he is known as twirly mustache guy. To others, he’s known as simply “Venice”. To me, he is Cliff.

Cliff is from Texas. And will tell anyone within a 10 foot radius that he is from the lone star state. Texas this, texas that. OK WE GOT IT. You like horses. And beer. And meat. And bugs and republicans and whatever Texas has to offer. He was really sweet though, funny, musician, and had this incredible bun of long curly brown hair that I could not resist. And a nose ring. It was so intriguing I decided that I had found my summer distraction.

I learned a lot those months. About jam-band culture. About, yes, Texas. About hallucinogenic drugs (no I did not take them) but would hear from him that he went to the beach with his friends that day and shroomed his face off.  I would go to BBQ’s with him in Venice and find myself sitting in a tipi with crystals, drinking alkaline water, girls in long skirts, and boys playing guitars and singing around a fire. Um....Toto? We were definitely not in West Hollywood anymore.

Then, one day, I was lying in my own bed waiting for Cliff to text me of what our plans could be for that night. After an agonizing 40 minutes, “DING DING” (goes the iMessage sound that is known around the world). I pause. I look. “Come to Jess & Matt’s. We made a fire.” Did I REALLY want to go listen to hippie nonsense all night? And then make out with this mustached guy… only to find his mustache would come UNDONE after some heavy lip action? And he had to recurl it with his special mustache wax? Did I want to sleep in an un-air-conditioned room? While he and only he would control the music? And I pretend I like the Grateful Dead? All signs point to NO. So I asked him to come up to WeHo instead. He said “I’ll never go to Hollywood in my life ever again”.

…& then we stopped talking.

Except we didn’t. Cliff will (still) facebook message me, about every two weeks, with either “BUTTS” or “BOOBS”.  *expressionless face emoji* *pistol emoji*

[butthenwestoppedtalking-blog]

i now pronounce you mr. & mrs. pac-man

Monday, January 25th 2015

I matched with a guy on Hinge, let’s call him Derek, 6 months ago. Derek & I got to “hey, here’s my number” status, but then we stopped talking.

January 2016. Derek and I match on Tinder. “What a small world” (Not really, also red alert, why have we both switched dating apps 6 months later, code: something must be wrong with the two of us). Derek really likes to use emojis. Derek asked where I live. I told him West Hollywood. He says “perfect. Let’s go to this place in Koreatown.”  Perfect? Really? Because that is nowhere near where I live. Nor where he lives (Brentwood) but whatever I make him drive me LOLOLOLOL.

It’s my second date of the night (don’t EVEN get me started) so I’m not quite on my A game. Derek keeps asking me to pass him his enormous water bottle (how romantic) while he’s driving. He tries to have a conversation about “what if a woman’s purse could shoot cum”. I didn’t have much to say on the subject.  Next I asked what he had done that day. “Was on my computer”. Me – “oh, doing internet things?” Him – “no. gaming.”  …so he’s a PC gamer. Now I’m thinking he was maybe the smelly kid in middle school.  

I should have expected this…but “perfect” bar in Koreatown was a 20’30’ room, lined with arcade games and degenerates. I ordered a corona, he ordered a coke. Strike. & then, because I’m female and didn’t spend my youth at the local mini golf-arcade-waterpark combo, my skills at arcade games are about as good as your grandma’s. I watched Derek run through $5 worth of quarters playing games that were made before I was even born. (Oh, he let me play one game. I lost so quickly that he couldn’t put the quarters in fast enough to play immediately after & ‘show me how it’s done’)

He asked if we were ready to go before I had even finished my cerveza. I slammed the rest of the beer, and he took me promptly home.

…& then we stopped talking.

[butthenwestoppedtalking-blog]

Joey and Janice’s Day Of Fun!

Friday January 15th, 2016

So I accidentally ‘super-liked’ someone on Tinder which was my first mistake. But I would have normal-liked him so I just left it alone, and sure enough he messaged me (yay!)

So we’re chatting back and forth a bit and it turns out he lives scarily close to where I work, so we grab coffee on my lunch break.

He orders a frapaccino...it was very cold outside. I was half embarrassed and half impressed that a grown ass man really just ordered basically a milkshake on a coffee date.

Anyway, 30 minute coffee goes well. He walks me back to my office and we both vocally agree meeting went well and the next step is a full fledged date - great. He wants to find a great place I’ve never been since we’re both foodies - however, I am a vegan foodie so there’s a fun challenge to it and he excitedly accepts. 

A few days later I get a text with a new restaurant with amazing vegan options and **gasp** I had not been to or heard of it (this is like, completely out of character. I love food.)!!!

So this was all pre-holidays so we have to wait about a week for the insanity that holidays bring to die down. 

They die down finally. I text him to see when this date is happening. He suggests we do lunch, and I happily agree. Then the text keeps going...lunch, then he’ll go run some errands, then we’ll meet back up for dinner and a movie.

What?!

I was flattered, but told him it was a bit ambitious and we should maybe stick to one-date-a-day for now.He reluctantly agrees, telling me I drive a hard bargain.

So day of lunch - he offers to pick me up which is sweet so I say yes - this means I can sneak in a glass (or 3) of my opened bottle of wine from the night before, just for some liquid courage (so sue me). 

He arrives...his car is literally COVERED in bird poo. Kind of funny, kind of disgusting. I casually joke - usually you should get a car wash before a date man. He laughs and makes some excuse about parking under trees that night before. Still, ew. 

But he opens the door for me every time we get to the car which is endearing. And I’m a little drunk, so basically anything goes at this point.

We go to lunch, it’s super fun - I have two beers so I am straight up day-drunk at this point, with no shame. We finish lunch and he asks if I want to help him mattress shop. Sober me would see through this and be like dude I don’t want to have a 15 hour date. Drunk me thinks the mall sounds like a GREAT time since I’ve got gift cards to spend.

We go to the mall, and this particular Macy’s doesn’t have mattresses. So we have to go to another. On the way out we stop in a few stores so I can use those gift cards, and he proceeds to tell every cashier I’m day-drunk. I mean half hilarious, but also - can’t I get arrested for public intoxication? Come on man, be cool. I literally said “dude, be cool” like 12 times while denying I was drunk. Thank my genes I am a brown skinned lady, so the face-burning embarrassment doesn’t really show through.

Anyway, it’s like 4:30pm at this point (lunch was 2pm) and we’re going to mall #2 cause by-golly he’s getting that mattress.

I chug another beer in the car cause...why not.

We get there, he buys a mattress. GREAT. I had fun napping during the process.

Then he needs a duvet cover. We go to TJ Maxx, Target, and some game store (that wasn’t for bedding apparently, just because we were “in the area”).

I’m literally sitting on the floor by the time we get to Target because it’s 6:30 and I’ve been drinking since approximately 1:15pm.

I think it’s over, and while it was a super fun date - it was a lot of quality time for a first date. I was damn tired.

THEN - he invites me to trivia night with his friends. At first I’m all in. Sure another bar. Then I start to get apprehensive, anxiety starts to take over, hangover beginning.

I change my mind, but he doesn’t really seem to take no for an answer. I make lots of jokes that aren’t really jokes about please take me home NOW. Then nope, we get to the bar. I literally refuse to get out of the car for a solid 3 minutes.

I stop being a brat and we go in. He is sweet and all that jazz, but I also haven’t eaten since 3pm, and it’s like 8pm now and I am just all kinds of miserable. But his friends are nice, I put on a happy face (I think) and go along with it. He gets dinner...didn’t tell me he was ordering food...didn’t ask if I was hungry (though I did say it like 100 times in the car on the way there)...and just devours his food while hungover stranger freaked out newbie sits there with a fake smile plastered on my face, and a raging headache. Dead. Finally at 11:30pm I’m like yo, can we go now? And he’s so sweet, like yes of course let’s get out of here.

He gets me back home and like parks but makes no move to get out of his car, so I’m like oh uh ok this is a car goodbye (the worst kind ever. car hugs? awkward.) so we hug...awkwardly go in for a goodbye kiss. And I’m off.

Texts me a few days later about New Years - even though we had discussed those plans (rude much?) Small talk convo about NYE.

Couple of days later I send a “haaay” after too much wine. He texts back - I’ve already passed out. Double text. Morning I let him know whoops, KO’d. More small talk.

Then nothing for a few days. He texts me randomly that he finally got that damn duvet “Niiice” I respond. No text back from him.

Next day “So how was camping?”

....& then we stopped talking

[butthenwestoppedtalking-blog]

Twitter Twat

Thursday, January 14th 2016

This story is perhaps my most psychotic of the bunch, although I have to say I take blame for 25% of the crazy that went down in this tinder nightmare. New year, new me. & let the games begin…

So, I met this guy on tinder (duh) and he seemed very sweet. Had just moved to West Hollywood by way of Virginia, artist, cute, great taste in music … first time he asks me out is New Years Day (HAHA as if, I was still hungover on Jan 2nd…) so I politely declined but kept the conversation going.

A week later, he asks what I’m up to over the weekend. I say not much. He tells me his plans, and asks if I’d like to join him. “Sounds fun, I think I can make Friday available”.  & then we stopped talking. For 3 days.

Friday, 3pm rolls around. Still nothing. And as I’m in the “zero fucks given” stage of my dating life, so I send a little nudge. *cough cough* I say. An hour later he responds (and I can’t quote because I have since deleted the tinds) something along the lines of “I wasn’t sure how to interpret ‘I think I can make Friday available’. I want you to be happy and it seems like this was an excuse to get out of it blah blah blah” Alright #emonightLA. Pull it together. I tell him “no lets hang”.

Plans are made for roughly 9pm. I’m feeling good, feelin fresh, drank an aloe glow water to give me that “maybe she’s born with it” look, and just finished the last swoop of mascara when I get 3 texts at 8pm. Virginia tells me something came up with work (art emergency, Friday night, SOS..mmmhmmm). Too late to make plans so I drink 3/4 a bottle of pinot noir and half paid attention to a Seinfeld marathon before drifting off into a drunk slumber.

Saturday, 4pm. Virginia texts “about done with the job. Do you want to hang out tonight?” obviously I’m reluctant, but also obviously I’m desperato, so yea sure. Let’s do it. “cool” “cool” “k”  “thanks” “bye”.  Resuming said Seinfeld marathon, 7pm I get 3 texts. “brother is in crisis mode, gotta go help him, please contact me if you want to get a coffee this week”. AHEM. ME? CONTACT YOU? As if. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice…

Here’s where the going gets good. I had to find out who this loser was that was playing me like a fiddle. I found his twitter (YES, that’s where the good stalking is) and saw tweets that were CLEARLY about yours truly…and they go a little something like this.

Friday. 4pm. “just made plans with a human. immediately feels trapped” OH RLLY? Friday 10pm. “passing on a hangout to prep for a job I have tmrw. Run-of-the-mill companionship vs. eternal.lonliness/success” ENJOY THAT.

So I decide to have my revenge. Saturday, 7:30pm. My reply to his 4pm tweet. “Ugh isn’t that the worst?”

Monday, 8am. “did you really tweet me about something that had nothing to do with you?” “uh, yea. those were obviously about me.” Then he went on a 5 text rant over how he cancelled on numerous people to get a haircut. That’s what the tweets were about. Swear. To. God.

Well, Virginia, I hope you and your haircut find your way in this city of angels, because I certainly will not be that angel you’re looking for.

& then we stopped talking.

UPDATE: i’m blocked on twitter & he changed his instagram username. i know this because i stalk. but i am not a psycho repeat i am not a psycho. i’m just you’re run-of-the-mill tinderella. ;)

[butthenwestoppedtalking-blog]

I will not laugh when you poke me.

So I've had a successful date night, and I decide to go home with this guy.

Things are going well (if you know what I mean *nudge nudge*) Anyway I'm on top of of this guy, I'm a little chubby at the time but still HOT OKAY?!?!

So we're doing our thing, and all of a sudden....... He pokes my stomach, and says "pillsbury dough boy"

<\p> ....& then we stopped talking

[butthenwestoppedtalking-blog]

he likes me, he likes me not

Wednesday, December 30th 2015

I met Seth on tinder. We had quite a few mutual friends…and after some intense Instagram stalking (we all do it…) saw that I had even liked pictures he was tagged in. You can imagine my relief, knowing that I already was friends with his crew…

It took a couple weeks for Seth to ask me out, but it finally happened one Friday night. I brought him to my standard first date bar (the bouncer there must think that I’m a hooker by now…for sure.) Not much to report, except that Seth & I had a great time. A week goes by… I invite Seth to a work event at a very cool bar/lounge. He comes, he gets the illusion that I’m cooler than I am, we get dinner & drinks, and it’s fine. Seth & I had a great time. Another week goes by… Seth invites me out to a birthday party, but says we’re meeting up with his brother & brother’s girlfriend first. Cool.

So we’re at the thing, brother’s girlfriend pulls me aside and says “I’ve known Seth for 1.5 years. Never has he brought a girl around. Just wanted to let you know that, *wink*” Like, what. I mean that’s adorable right? But it’s also our THIRD date, right? Has he not been on a third date with anyone else in A YEAR & A HALF? Oh my god, what if he dates girls & then stops talking to them?

Seth & I go back to his place and in the morning, he says “you know I like you, right?” Ugh. Please don’t. I don’t think my heart can take this hot cup of nice that Seth is pouring for me. I have to leave early, he protests & wants to cuddle but I can’t… but I do tell him I’d like to see him again.

…& then we stopped talking.

[butthenwestoppedtalking-blog]

my first & my last coffee date.

Monday, December 14th

There are two types of guys on tinder. 1: the guy who wants to chat you for days on end, wondering if you just got yourself a new pen-pal or what. 2: the guy who wants to cut the bullshit and see you IRL. Do I have a preference? Not really. But from experience, the “cut the bullshit” guys are mostly wanting to, & it brings me so much pain to type these words, “netflix & chill”. But we’re all on tinder, right? It happens to the best of us…. *gulp*

Matched with Rocky on tinder a week ago. He asked me out for coffee & pie after, like basically saying “hey what up” but how innocent and adorable is coffee & pie? Rocky was definitely an 8+ so of course, I set a date.

Sunday afternoon, 4pm. I arrive first, Rocky arrives second. And Lord Almighty, he was like a 12+. 12/10. I blushed the BRIGHTEST shade of red, lost my use of the English language, and was mortified. &, trying to play it cool in public as if we didn’t just meet each other 30 seconds ago, trying to make up a conversation that old friends would have. But, since I lost brain function, I couldn’t. I….just stood there. Nodding. Wanting to die.

After getting our coffee, Rocky & I sat down at a very public table, in which he began rubbing on my knee. Heart= racing. Why was he doing this. Did he think I’m just, really pretty? Um….here’s how the rest of our super intense, incredibly awkward conversation went:

“How tall are you” “Tall enough for you to sit on my face”. GROSS + THAT DOESN’T EVEN MAKE SENSE.

“What are you into?” “Like…hobbies?” “Like…in bed.” “I don’t think this a conversation to have over coffee.”  OR EVER.  

“You live in Downtown? Argh. Sketchy? So, I gotta ask, has anyone held you up? Or fucked you up?” “No, but I’ll fuck you up. Minus the up.”  GUYS, THIS IS AFTER 10 MINUTES.

Can I say again that it was a SUNDAY at 4:00 IN THE AFTERNOON. With NO ALCOHOL INVOLVED.

Ok, so my hands & pits are getting sorta sweaty, my level of uncomfortable is raging beyond belief, but Rocky was so attractive that I felt like I was being sucked into a black hole. We walked outside for a cigarette, it started to rain (as if on command), so he coaxed me to his car. (I had a leather jacket on. It was really out of necessity) Inside of which, in a McDonalds parking lot, he starts choking me with his tongue and putting his hands down my pants. I can only imagine the people in the drive-thru line who just were in the mood for a McFlurry and ended up getting dessert & a show.

Rocky tries me to go home with him. I don’t know how many versions of “No” I told him. So he walked me to my car. Says “bye” to me…but “bye” to Rocky means something much more physical. (Note: Hands Up Shirt). First name, Rocky. Middle name, PDA.

My drive home was me saying, out loud in my car, to myself, like a crazy person, “What just happened?” over and over again. It’s cool though. I ended my night at Whole Foods so, I won.

…& then we stopped talking.

[butthenwestoppedtalking-blog]

See you later snowflake

Thursday, December 3rd 2015

So I go to the same smoothie place every morning for my breakfast at work, and while usually it’s the same 3 dudes there, one morning I notice a NEW FACE! And he’s adorable, kind of shy, soft spoken and of course since this is a health food store, he looks like a male model. GREAT!

After about a week of awkward but adorable exchanges, where he asks me if I like random places around LA, he finds one I actually DO love and suggests we go sometime. I’m like yea duh of course (it’s Salt & Straw. SO DUH. Ice cream dates are so unheard of but probably the greatest idea in the world).

So I’m like so uhhh....how are we gonna plan that? And he’s like oh yea let me get your number. Of course frat-boy male model manager walks out as this is happening and I am just giving his employee my number awkwardly...oop smoothies ready, KBYE. 

So he texts me asking how my smoothie is. D’awww. 

We’re texting about smoothies, and honestly nothing interesting, but it’s fine. 

The day goes on AND WE’RE STILL TEXTING, BUT NOT A WORD ABOUT THIS ALLEGED DATE. I mean I’m all for some texting in advance but dude aren’t you working? And I definitely am working sooo.....

Then he texts me saying that he is working ridiculously early the next day, and I’m like oh well that’s cool I definitely will not be there that early but have a good day! and his response? “I can stay later if you want....”

Um, cute gesture (right?! Is it though...?), but that’s ok - I can buy my smoothie from someone else.

So he continues to text me all night, and eventually I’m like OKAY it’s my bedtime bye!!

Next morning, guess what? He’s still at work when I usually come in! And he of course let’s me know that he’s there, but he’s in the back so he won’t see me. Like this is just too much detail for a less than 24-hr text relationship.

But guess what? He is there in the front when I go. Sticks his tongue out then hides....ooooookay. THEN I get a text like “Sorry I lied to you by saying that I wouldn’t see you” “But you looked really pretty” “Would you think I was lying if I told you that you’re the only girl other than my mom I’ve said that to?”

YES GROWN-ASS MAN, I WOULD THINK THAT WAS A LIE. Like...what!?

He sends a sweating nervous smiling emoji and says “lol ok.” The proceeds to ask about my horoscope. Now I need to stop responding a bit more, c’mon.

The texting doesn’t stop - so I tell him “Hey, I’m sorry but I’ve got a lot going on and you’re coming on a little strong, so I think we should just be friends”

(let me remind you this is day 3 of NON-STOP texting and awkward compliments.)

He is totally understanding and I’m just so relieved. 

Few days later, he texts me about Thanksgiving which is fine and sweet. And he’s like “oh yours sounds great, I had to work. “

“Bummmmer? Sorry that sucks.” (from me)

He’s like 

“it’s fine no big deal “

“Anyway, see you soon snowflake **two snowflake emojis**”

“I’m glad you set the whole friend thing”

....& then we stopped talking. I can never get a smoothie ever again. :(

[butthenwestoppedtalking-blog]

Ghost me once, shame on you. Ghost me twice, shame on me.

Monday, November 23rd 2015

Remember my unicorn from a few months ago? Thought I was a catfish but really he was the uber-attractive one (I’m so punny).

ANYWAY, I managed to get him back in my texting world, but alas he was still in Tennessee, UGH. But he was coming back for one weekend in November, which I told him was unfortunate because it was the weekend I’d be out of town for my birthday.

FUNNY COINCIDENCE, his birthday was the day after mine. WOAH. “Fate” he said. He literally said:

“fate”

“marry me?”

“can you imagine our kids”

SWOOOOON

I die. I literally died. But he was going to be in town the Monday too, and I had the Monday off from work to recover. So it was a date. November 16th we’d be married.

Anyway, we keep texting cuteness, I send him selfies at work when I get new glasses, he sends like a bajillion compliments I can’t help but have my ego boosted like 100%. 

Later in the day after the glasses pic and not texting for a bit I get “I keep looking at that picture” SWOOOOOOON MOREEEEEE

Like stop. No one thinks he’s real at this point. We are literally all convinced I’m being catfished.

He tells me to come visit in TN, and asks what happens if we fall in love. NOW I THINK HE’S A CATFISH. LiKeeee a person who is just as extreme and enjoys joking about things moving weirdly fast? YES PLEASE THAT’S MY FAVE.

A few days later I get “I can’t stop thinking about you. What? Stop. Shut up” 

Like now I need to make sure he’s real. This newfound texting has been like 1-2 weeks at this point? I won’t see him for another 3? Time to Facetime.

We’re texting one night and he says he’s not doing anything. GREAT - I Facetime him with no warning. CONNECTING. We Facetime. He’s definitely real and so perfect and I’m swooning and dying all at the same time it’s very confusing inside my 12-year old romance brain.

We Facetime twice more after that, the last one being an uh...more adult Facetime sesh after I’ve had like a bottle of wine. hehehe.

But anyway, we’re going strong I’m madly in love, it’s fine. IT’S FINE I SAID.

Then, the week before we’re supposed to meet up and fall in love for real, he Facetimes me at like 1:00am, I’m dead asleep so I miss the call. See it the next day and text him “late night Facetime”

...nothing

a few hours later i send “BOB”

...nothing

next day I’m like “wtf”

....STILL NOTHING. 

it’s my birthday week, so I’m drinking a lot. I’m a notorious drunk texter. It’s bad. I also text & delete. So I usually forget what I wrote, just remember that something was sent. I do remember I sent a lot of ghost emoji’s at one point. I stand by that one, proud of that.

So basically the entire week consisted of text & deleting. Pretty sure he blocked my phone at some point. I think I called a few times too. Left one voicemail...I kind of went off the deep end.

But that’s not the point. The point is HOW DO YOU GHOST SOMEONE THAT EASILY AND THAT QUICKLY.

Literally not one response to I’m sure was like 8 or 9 messages. and 3-4 calls. and like 2 Facetime requests. Now that I’m back to normal life of not drinking like a fish I have not tried to reach out...thank the lordie. But literally, still nothing. Not a word. Can we please for a moment just acknowledge how fucked up ghosting like this is? Especiially when you were like obsessed with the person? Like why would you waste time Facetiming and sending perfect compliments if you were just gonna drop me like that? For real though. 

...le sigh.

.......& then we stopped talking. We probably won’t ever talk again.