butwilltherebealcohol

[butwilltherebealcohol]

i realize it's because i'm a bad person but i am More And More Often Getting Sick Of Watching Others Around Me Get To Be Loved And Succeed While I Am Left To Rot I Am Going To Kill Myself

[butwilltherebealcohol]

I don’t have friends. I don’t have lovers. I don’t have anyone

and at this point all I really truly want with all of what's left of my heart is for the knowledge of that to not hurt so fucking much

like I know I KNOW it, I just want it to stop Hurting to know I should be completely numb not just partially by now man what the FUCK

[butwilltherebealcohol]

at a point where anytime I make A Purchase, like regardless of if it's a literal necessity or not, I'm like well I should absolutely kill myself now. financially it's just the best option #economics

[butwilltherebealcohol]

anyone misinterprets me and that misinterpretation becomes the new reality. but I misinterpret anyone else ever in ANY regard, and I'm the villain

I try to hold on and I'm evil, but I try to kill myself and I'm a selfish pussy

seems to make sense to everyone else, guess I'm just not getting it lol

[butwilltherebealcohol]

like it'd be nice to not be wrong about every single fucking thing all the time in every given instance. It'd be nice to just be able to like. speak. say something. say a full sentence without it being the end of the world/wholly incorrect/thoroughly embarrassing to everyone around. didn’t think it was a lot to ask, but what do I know, maybe it is? maybe that’s just the end of the world, for me to open my mouth. maybe that’s all I deserve. and God fucking forbid what I say is a complaint...

[butwilltherebealcohol]

she literally just doesn't talk to me and she's a family friend so i know from growing up together part of this is just the way she is like if she doesn't have anything to share she's not gonna say anything and also is exhausted from her job in which she is succesful bc she's a real adult and not a sad piece of shit but STILL whenevr she scuttles off to her room in the evening its like noooooo.... YOU deserve the living room!! YOU'RE doing everything right I should be scuttling off and locking myself away to rot you deserve the whole fucking apt to do whatever and I should not be breathing ur air even tbh pls come back i promise i wont come out ever again

hate Hate hatE. H A T E i can fucking feel my roommate getting tired of my bullshit i can FEEL it in the air i can feel it in the molecules of the table I've got my head down on I can feel it in my drink i can feel it in her eyes not meeting mine im SORRY IM A FUCKING FAILURE OK IM TRYING TO KEEP IT TO MYSELF I SWEAR

[butwilltherebealcohol]

getting a bunch of injections at the doctors office for a cyst that unfortunately did not kill me as I'd hoped and the RN is like "wow, you're taking these needles so well! are u sure im not hurting you??" and it took every ounce of effort to not burst out laughing like ma'am. Ma'am. Miss. I don't even know where to begin w that-

[butwilltherebealcohol]

LMAO THIS LITERALLY HAPPENED AGAIN WTF ROOMIE I THOUGHT U WERE OUT

Roommate: hey bud.......how ya doin?

Me, head down on table, 4th whiskey on ice in hand, earbuds blasting music loud enough to hear from the other side of the room: why wyould u even ask im obviously perfectly fine. thriving.

[butwilltherebealcohol]

I literally dream of murdering and people keep pUSHING my FUCKING PATIENCE WHY IS IT NEVER       E  N  O  U  G  H   leave me ALONE“hey could you maybe-“ what if I Maybe slit your throat. what if I Maybe jumped into this moving traffic. what if I Maybe Killed us both what if

[butwilltherebealcohol]

If One More Person Asks Me If I'm Seeing Anyone/ How My Dating Life Is Going I Am Going To Go Homicidal

ABSOLUTELY NO ONE WANTS ME AND I AM ACTIVELY TRYING EVERY MOMENT OF MY LIFE TO FORGET THE FACT PLEASE DO NOT BRING IT UP DO I NEED TO CARRY A FUCKING SIGN OR WHAT

[butwilltherebealcohol]

I AM ONCE AGAIN PONDERING

oh, to be a thin white guy in a mediocre angsty rock band

[butwilltherebealcohol]

I forget sometimes that people live their lives being liked. by multiple people even. seems unreal

like imagine being wanted. imagine someone wanting you or being attracted to you or thinking about you at all just because. goddamn. sounds wild.

[butwilltherebealcohol]

it's really something when you just straight up realize you don't have any friends.

obviously I deserve to be alone, I'm a fucking piece of shit- so I don't understand why people strung along as long as they are are getting annoyed as if either a) I'd change or b) they'd suddenly tolerate my bullshit

like why pretend? abandon me and leave me to rot for the love of god it's the best for everyone. just don't act like you're a friend of mine when you're just about to inevitably judge me and leave

[butwilltherebealcohol]

me every other minuteof every day: what if i just lie face down in my bed n refuse to get up forever. what then.

[butwilltherebealcohol]

drinking oneelf to death should be wAY easier than this like how am i still here this is fuckin ridiculous

Me, outwardly: yea, it's so nice to see u too!! things have been good :)

[butwilltherebealcohol]

innnnn all honestly like to be honestly honest traight up tbh if i live to see 30 img onna start breaking stuff(again) like this shit is ridiculous

[butwilltherebealcohol]

working in medicine and sometimes having to deal with psych patients as a person who hates being alive is wild. like bitch i wanna die and hate myself and being in my own skin too and i’m not screamin about it gotdamn ppl got work in the morning