c00chmaster420 - Tumblr blog

[c00chmaster420]

when i tell my family i think i’ve been having seizures and they tell me it’s just anxiety so i go to the doctor and the doc immediately tells me i need to go get tested for epilepsy bc it sounds like i’ve been having seizures

[c00chmaster420]

i haven’t slept since monday morning (it’s now thursday morning), haven’t eaten anything but a few pieces of popcorn since monday, and am drinking at 5am. my life is going great if you couldn’t tell 👍

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when someone asks me if i wanna do stick n pokes together

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selfish, destructive

i am a wildfire

burning bridges

please put me out

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What’s your snap

bear_n03

[c00chmaster420]

y’all. i’m so happy rn.

[c00chmaster420]

this is a long vent and storytime-ish. tw/dr*gs

it hurts going from being the kid who could read and write super well from an early age who got an award for english in high school and had a 98 in science for most of the year despite it always being my worst class and didn’t even have to try in school to barely being able to get a proper sentence out half the time and never being able to explain/express myself bc my brain is so fogged and fucked from all the drugs i do/have done that i can only think at like half capacity now. i used to be a rlly smart kid, i never had to try in school and i’d always get by just fine, if we had writing competitions in school i would usually win, i was basically an english prodigy. now i’ve dropped out of highschool and am in a constant state of brain fog, i can’t even feel things properly anymore. i can’t ground myself to my surroundings or feel genuinely present, it’s so difficult sitting outside at night and listening to music (one of my fav things to do) and trying to just be there in the moment but not being able to fully process literally anything that’s happening or my surroundings. i’m never fully there. i feel like a ghost or something. i used to be so against drugs and alcohol and then for some reason i decided fuck it, i wanna try acid bc it sounds bad and i wanna do something really bad just for the adrenaline. then i tried it and fell in love, i’d never even smoked weed before that, just drank oil, so being high was new to me and i immediately fell in love. nothing compared to the feeling drugs gave me, it was such an experience and made me feel so good and was so fun, like nothing i’d ever done before. i was rlly depressed and kinda hated myself and didn’t have many friends or a life so drugs were the one really good thing i had. i did acid a second time with molly and once again absolutely loved it. then my dealer got arrested and i didn’t have anywhere else to get acid so i turned to dxm (another drug i said i’d absolutely never do, but desperation makes people do weird things). i loved dxm as much as acid, i got (mentally) addicted almost immediately. plus it was so easy to get and i had money really frequently so i could just go grab some for $10 whenever i wanted. i quickly spiralled from that, i started doing it at school and doing it every night i could and if i didn’t have it i’d have cravings for it so bad i’d be scratching and hitting myself and pulling my hair and sobbing so hard i’d almost throw up. i also started doing molly pretty often and other things like coke and shrooms and a lot of acid. my drug problem almost got out of hand at one point, i overdosed twice within a week of each other and got serotonin syndrome also twice within a week of each other. i got a bit better when i had to go to my grandmas for a few weeks and didn’t have access to any drugs, and i wasn’t getting money regularly either so i was forced to go sober for a while. at one point i got better and started only smoking weed and drinking and i was doing good for months if not a year but i slipped again. my friend invited me to come over and do ghb with her parents and i agreed, ofc. welp, i wound up doing a LOT of meth that night as well. this is where i started slipping. the day after that night (well technically the day AFTER the day after) i went back and did ghb and smoked a bunch more meth with my friends parents. the kicker is my friend wasn’t even there this time. i’m close with her parents so they said i could meet with their dealer at their place bc they didn’t want me meeting with him alone (mans got second degree murder charges, numerous assault charges, and many more. he’s a very dangerous guy). i met him the night i went there the first time bc he came to sell them the ghb. he wound up spending the whole night and we TOTALLY vibed (before i found out he was dangerous asf). also the first time i saw him he came in needing stitches bc he just bashed a girls car window to get back at her, so that’s lovely. we were gonna do stitches on him there but didn’t wind up doing that.

the next morning he offered to walk me to the bus stop but instead tried to take me to his doctors appointment with him?? keep in mind i’m a 17 year old girl and he’s a 35 year old man. so that was rlly weird but i managed to get away and go home. anyways the point of this was i used to have so much potential and be so different but now i’ve ruined my life with drugs and i hate it. i went from saying i would never even drink to smoking meth out of a wine glass in my mom’s bathroom bc i have literally no self control anymore. my cousin begged/told me not to touch the meth but here i am scraping little bits of it off to smoke and hoping she doesn’t notice. i wanted xans and her dealer is in the nw and i’m in the sw so he didn’t wanna come all the way just to sell me two xans so we got a bunch of meth too even though she just plans on probably selling it and not taking it. i’m slowly losing control, first it started with just planning on smoking the loose little teeny bits in the bag to scraping off some from the rock and i should’ve stopped at there but i couldn’t. i know i should’ve stopped at there, there was less chance of her noticing and i shouldn’t rlly be risking it but here i am about to go scrape even more off for like my 4th time and pray she doesn’t notice. i’m so fucking stressed, i’ve been lying to my bf and my family about the drugs and i feel so guilty but at the same time i kinda don’t which almost makes me feel worse. i always put myself and my interests first and do what i want even if i have to lie about it because i don’t have any self control anymore. i’ve stopped caring more and more, i used to never do anything if there was even the smallest chance of me getting caught bc i was so scared of getting in trouble but lately i’ve been developing an attitude of ‘what are they gonna do about it? even if they find out, i already did it, the most they can do is get mad and i can just choose not to give a fuck that they’re mad’. i also have been putting myself in more and more dangerous situations (usually for drugs) and i think to myself a lot ‘who cares if something happens? i wanna die anyways and if something else happens i’ll just deal with it, it’s whatever, i can choose not to care about it’ and i know that’s gonna get me in a really bad situation one day. i was doing so good for so long and now i’m just spiralling so bad again. i don’t think i can get better either bc i need to want to get better and for some reason i don’t? like of course i wanna be better and have a solid life but the reality of putting in all the work and actually getting there is just something i can’t do. i’d rather just throw my life away and wallow in my mental illness until i either die young from an od or laced drugs or i kms.

like the reality is i literally can’t be a functioning adult. maybe if i went on a bunch of medication and got a shit ton of therapy maybe, but i can’t even bring myself to look for jobs or apply to them, and the thought of actually working is TERRIFYING. i have such fucking bad anxiety, any time i leave the house i constantly feel like everyone is staring at me and judging me and i’m hyper aware of how i look and how i’m breathing and walking. getting a job and being an adult just isn’t realistic for me, plus i literally hate the human race and the world in general so i have absolutely no desire to stay alive and be a functioning adult in a world that i literally hate anyways. i don’t wanna be here anymore. i just want everything to stop

[c00chmaster420]

i just realized i’ve never introduced myself on here before or posted any pics of me (except for my last post but i look terrible in that) so here’s a little introduction to me if you’re curious! :)

my name is hannah but my friends call me bear. i literally hate my birth name sm but it’s whatever. i’m almost 18, i like music, nature, sunsets, drugs, meeting new people, and food. i skate and play electric guitar a bit and occasionally draw. i dropped out of high school, i’m the disappointment of the family, and also the middle child which makes sense. i’m a massive stoner, my friend calls me stoner jesus and my bf calls me leaf bc of it 💀. i’m the ceo of making absolutely horrendous life decisions and fucking up my life and i’d consider myself to be rather chaotic. my close friends have learned to just let me do what i want and not say anything about it bc i’m gonna do what i want no matter what they say. i’m here for a good time, not a long time. my biggest values and beliefs are not to spread needless negativity and put others down, treat everyone with kindness unless they don’t deserve it (but even then don’t go out of your way to be rude or start shit), and try to leave the world a better place than you found it whether that be cheering someone up or cleaning up some litter. music is my biggest passion, i listen to quite a few different genres but the main ones would be pop punk, midwest emo, emo rap, and anything along the lines of rock/post hardcore. i’ll make a little list of some of my fav bands/artists at the bottom. ive been alt for like half my life, i used to be HELLA emo, and i’ve also had a scene phase, goth phase, and punk phase. i love getting piercings, i used to have snakebites and an eyebrow piercing and five on my ears but i had to take out ALL of them due to various complications :( i still have my stretched ears and nose piercing though! i dress like an alt hoe though it doesn’t rlly show in the pics. love talking to people and making friends and i tend to see the best in people to a fault. i consider myself to be pretty good at conversation and i have an endless supply of wild stories to tell and almost always reply quick so i’d consider myself to be a fun person to have as a friend. i consider myself to be a spiritual person and i love having deep convos about life. i’m very impulsive and make dumb decisions a lot but to the right person that’s kind of part of my charm. if you wanna be friends or anything just hit me up for my snap and insta! i’d love to call someone over snap or something and get to know each other face to face if anyone would be down for that, i just think it would be sm fun calling someone new and making a new friend over call rather than text. i find you learn more about the person and have way better convos and it tends to lead to some pretty good friendships if anyone is down :) okay now for some of my music

- capstan

- microwave

- hot mulligan

- beartooth

- blink 182

- bones

- chase atlantic

- k.flay

- dance gavin dance

- a day to remember

- the front bottoms

- ghostemane

- $uicideboy$

- glass tides

- grandson

- i prevail

- la dispute

- matt maeson

- moose blood

- neck deep

- nothing, nowhere

- palisades

- point north

- silverstein

- sorority noise

- starset

- sum 41

- the used

- wild party

- the wrecks

- wvnder

[c00chmaster420]

this is my fav pic ever. my friend getting a thing saying he’s the dumb friend while i smoke meth out of a wine glass in my moms bathroom. yeah, HES the dumb one 💀😭

[c00chmaster420]

[c00chmaster420]

i relate so hard. life is in flames but feels so good. or being sober and having your life be on a somewhat decent track and things are going good but you’re miserable

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sam miller. 20. musician. bi.

here’s some footnotes bc i don’t feel like being descriptive :)

- stoner, skater, musician

- brother taught her how to skate when she was younger

- smokes cigarettes and drinks maybe a little too much sometimes

- sings and plays guitar, bass and drums

- in a band with some of her closest friends she considers family

- works at an old record store that’s barely still in business and makes extra money doing small gigs with her band

- loved her dad to pieces as a kid, he showed her her taste in music (rock, metal, alt, etc.) and when he died she always listened to his old records

- super close with her older brother, he basically raised her since her mom is a pretty absent junkie and an awful parent with a love hate relationship with her kids

[c00chmaster420]

Being asexual is good, actually. Talking about being asexual is cool and good. Aces can have fun with their sexuality and pride too. Ace pride is a good thing.

[c00chmaster420]

me: i really don’t cry that often tbh

also me every 15 mins during a depressive episode: