caitlinposs - Tumblr blog

[caitlinposs]

you’re so in your head you’ve forgotten that it’s me

this time next year. will the fear finally be over?

i’ve forgiven you but i’ll never forget the words you said that night.

for some reason i feel the end approaching more than ever. the rhythm of this violence is getting louder. i can hear my heart pounding

[caitlinposs]

as im drifting back into my consciousness, the world gets brighter and you get prettier. the feeling becomes so tender i could just about reach the bottom of the ocean.

[caitlinposs]

my mint vape is getting burnt im gonna sob

[caitlinposs]

i’ll cry to god one last time

[caitlinposs]

today i got pissed the fuck off because my mom was 15 minutes late picking me up from school. petty right. i guess i could say im a woman of routine, break it and you’ll face my wrath. in a state of extensive frustration and anger, i become insanely passive aggressive towards everyone. my sight is blinded red. probably the only time you’ll see so much meanness emitting out of me. this anger wasn’t directed towards my mom—more directed to the situation. it would be cruel if i blamed her for it but i prob gave off that vibe anyway. all that runs through my head is why lord why must u curse me on this blessed day why did this have to happen what did i do to deserve this wrath what the hell do i do now. it just sucks when the daily isn’t the good daily. i have a bad habit of letting the anger get to me when im inconvenienced.

another trait of this anger makes me want to bury myself in a deep pit. really bad. i have a demented urge to have my last breath while in a state of anger. i hate frustration i hate it so much i wish i could burn it whyyyy am i so sensitive? how the fuck do i turn frustration off it seems impossible. how do people control it. i guess i hate it so much which makes me start hating myself.

im just thinking about one of those animes where the soulmate saves the main character from transforming into a demon by hugging them & they feel that unconditional love and revert back to normal. that’s how i wanna feel. if someone had hugged me like that and touched me with genuine love, maybe i wouldn’t have been so angry. but that’s a lot to ask for so wbatever

take me on next time you appear. i swear i’ll be stronger

[caitlinposs]

i’m sorry for holding onto the words you didn’t mean.

last night your soft cheek and lips and the sweet end of your boy smell crept into my dreams. i’ve buried you in my mind and it hurts to think about it again.

i will be leaving soon so i’ll confess i miss you being around. i miss the light inside of me that only radiated when i was next to you. i wanted to hold your hand at every moment i had so that i could still feel your presence when you were gone.

she might have bigger boobs but she’s deluding you.

when i realized i lost the ability to embrace you, this love wore your face and called out to me. it made me crazy, so i acted in stupid ways. i figured out how to lock it up, but it’s still inside of the box—as if i’ll never know how to truly destroy it.

last spring you loved me. i hope i never write about you again.

do you remember carving this? i want to know if it was a signal of devotion or deception.

[caitlinposs]

i can’t wait til next year when you’ll be gone. excitement rushes through these bright blue veins when i think about it, god i think im about ecstatic now.

boys are stupid. my best friend’s boyfriend is choosing another girl over her—now she’s the second option and the title of girlfriend will be ruthlessly ripped from her. i can’t stand watching it happen. i want to rip his tendons in half rn. i need to tell him to get his fucking head straight. how the hell has he forgotten already? how could he break their prayer that fast? unloyal men deserve to be in major debt.

i only hope i can meet the man i’ve been praying for. i pray for him to help me heal—for a boost of self love. some impassiveness too, to stop thinking into shit.

there is only one thing that stands in between you and somebody else that you hate. it’s a direct border of indifference. you don’t understand the way they execute and perform their actions. this indifference can appear in anyone, even if it’s your best friend, it shows up unexpectedly and refuses to let itself out. you can’t perceive the coding inside of the software—it actually begins to seem stupid to you. and eventually youll realize the code is unbreakable and you are left flimsy and helpless.

just a theory though. why do i feel like an overgrown house right now?

so stop looking at me goddamnit🖕

[caitlinposs]

you’re 60 years old but your pettiness reminds me of my ex-boyfriend from 3rd grade. what a shame.

i try my hardest to be a good girl. i want to radiate kindness i want a 4.0 i want to always smile—most importantly i want the thoughts to go away. i want to glow neon pink. so bold and beautiful you can barely even look at it. i’ve gotten myself caught up in terrible situations which has led me to fear that it’s impossible for me to ever be a good girl. am i really trying my hardest? what even is hardest?

but why’d you have to be so cruel?

i choose to victimize myself in peace. in writing. my emotions are probably sick of being locked in that box. it hurts to know that they’re still there, just locked up. they choose violence now.

i’m not sure if evaluating my life based on my emotions is wise. happy comes and goes, sometimes it takes longer to come back than others. my happiness has very little to do with the people around me—it depends more on what i’m telling myself.

[caitlinposs]

i’ve been hitting my cart to fall asleep so i can get through these days as fast as possible. getting high is the only thing i can cling onto anymore, it gives my life the interest and color i’ve been needing currently. i was on the right track to quitting but i guess ive crashed back into it.

i wonder. if we were still friends would i be over at your house right now? would you be at mine? would i be miserable? or would we be cuddling? i’m not the type of person to confront my thoughts. i let them decide for me, i let them take over because i tend to believe they’re in my best interest. if you ask me for the reason i dropped you, id tell you it’s because i didn’t want you to leave me, but honestly i did it out of instinct. it was one day in february, a switch flipped in my mind and i put no effort into turning it back on.

i guess i realized it wasn’t just the two of us anymore, everytime id come over there’d be 5 extra people invading our space. i only loved you when i was alone with you so i always wanted you to myself. i have no idea why that is. it’s not like i was in love with you or something. :/ but all these people i’ve done wrong, i never did it out of spite or hate. i did it because i don’t know how to fully let someone in.

dont be mistaken, i’m still very evil. ;3

an example of my evilness: one day i’ll confess my undying love for you, and the next i’ll completely forget about it. interest can spark inside of me which will usually burn out fast. the only rare exception is when it doesn’t. my fps. the ones i’ve loved so heavily i could easily set the world on fire for them. obsession taken way too far. but i’ll always have a soft spot for my favorite people. they know my chaos.

in the paragraph you sent me before you blocked me, you told me my only motivation is male validation. honestly, yeah. i agree. i wouldn’t call it validation, but something similar. anyway it’s not like it’s something i can control.

when i was younger i had devoted my soul to my dad out of fear and possibly a little trust. every time i did something wrong in his eyes, my body would shut down and i was unable to feel or think anything. soulless. a certain type of numbness where i could practically feel a reaper touching me. one upsetting response from him and my purpose was ripped out of my chest. even if his demeanor was off, if he was driving a little faster and a little more aggressive, i could immediately feel his mood switch—which would end up causing mine. i felt this feeling again yesterday, over something so small. i was telling my aunt how i applied for a job and he immediately said no in a stern ass voice and shook his head. that shut me the fuck up because i could already feel it flushing into me. a weird feeling of confusion has always come along with this numbness, because i can never truly understand what makes him so upset. he was asking me if i wanted to apply at starbucks the night before? maybe it’s because i applied for the job my mom wanted me to do. actually yeah that’s probably it. my dad’s always been so jealous of her because ‘i treat her better than him.’ it’s totally true, i do, but that’s because she was always there to hold me when i cried and she took the time to understand my soft spots. she tells me she loves me everyday, while i don’t have a memory of my dad saying i love you.

so that’s it. that’s all i want from men. i know now, i don’t crave their validation, i crave their care. their sincerest love. i really yearn for someone to put their hand on my head and pull me into a hug every time they noticed i looked a little empty. someone who doesn’t become demented or begin ignoring me when i mess up. someone who will stay by my side even if i reject them just because they know me better than anyone, someone who doesn’t let me push them away. someone who’d never get tired of dealing with my guilty tears. someone who would rather hold my hand than stick it in. ugh. unconditional love.

and basically, i guess id do anything for this kind of care. i’ve fucked plenty of people over just to experience it, even if all of it was bound to end up temporary. but, of course, all that it did was remove more people from my life. make me more lonely. i’m begging please don’t blame me forever. i hope you understand this uncontrollable urge is not something im close to mastering. when im attached, i would rather rip all of my hair out before i allow you to slip through my fingertips, even if i just met you a day ago. when i start seriously thinking about someone, there’s absolutely no going back. until i break and my brain becomes weak from allowing the thoughts to consume it. just thinking about a guy’s potential in caring for me so gently gets me messed tf up. that’s why i try to see guys as weird creatures so i don’t get attached to any. my lips feel like poison, causing damage is all i’ve ever known.

but, i know im young. the so called “men” im talking about are actually boys. when i grow wiser and develop into somebody i can actually be proud of, i can only pray that god will bless me with this type of undying love.

god please please please give me your strength