canary-project

[canary-project]

I really have noone to rely on for this and I am just hoping this reaches someone who might so.

I am not sure what I am.

I feel like I am simply not. I have a very loose sense of identity and a friend who has been by me and we share a lot of struggles mentioned to me that thes were questioning if they were a system (ossd to be specific) and in the conversation it just felt like puzzeles pieces falling to space.

I had a lot of past delusions. I used to believe myself to be a character from a media that whenever I saw others cosplaying or playing as said character I felt uncomfortable, but I chlaked it all up to a delusion, simple as that. Its not as heavy anymore but it still lingers. Than for over a year I was terrified whenever someone touched my back cause of another character with such fears, and when I did cosplay that character I just stared in the mirror like, yea, thats me. Which is weird cause I never recognise myself as me in the mirror, its always a weird face that remind me of someone, but never me.

To this day I struggle a lot and never have a sense of identity other than when I kin a character cause I see myself as them.

I can best describe it as 'MAG 85'

This is a snipet but that episode is simply something that screamed me, and I could simply not explain why

Im just looking for answers, really

If there is anyone out there who knows more of the topic and would be willing to help me, I'd appreciate it. I am really lost. I feel even more lost now with this idea in my head.

Thank you for reading.

[canary-project]

Life has been ass I just want answers finally

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Some of the people I have seen say they have non-disordered plurality have a lot of extreme dissociative symptoms from what they post. System conflicts, huge memory gaps, inability to control switches, extreme depersonalization/derealization symptoms.

This is not to deny someone’s experience, but more of a gentle reminder that if your experiences with plurality causes genuine distress? You may want to learn more about how dissociative disorders impact functions.

I don’t really understand any labels outside of traumagenic and maybe endogenic. I can’t even begin to really wrap my head around plurality not causing dissociation—it’s just not my experience at all. It’s a big reason why I decline arguing in any debates, but I have a pretty good idea of how my DID has impacted me.

I will feel like shit and not understand why because my emotions are highly fragmented. There could be something wrong, I could feel it occasionally, but I have no clue at all why I am experiencing this level of distress.

I know of a major traumatic experience in my childhood that could have caused my DID, but I genuinely remember little to nothing about my life and the factors are endless. When I do find stuff talking about my experiences, it sets me back and almost “triggers me” back into a state where I was during that time (I have no recollection still even after these triggers happen).

Skills and knowledge are somewhat distinctive between parts. Some parts have had full blown meltdowns because they didn’t understand an assignment, and when someone else switched in, they knew exactly what to do.

“Wishing to be a system” played a huge part in my formation, but it wasn’t wishing to be a system. It was wishing I had someone to talk to/had friends surrounding me because I was emotionally neglected as a child—this was around ages 6-10, so this thought process had a lot of impacts. I verbally talked to these parts and they often knew information I never remembered learning, and they often came around the most when I was lonely.

I don’t have a stable identity, and I haven’t had one for the entirety of my life. If I try to sit and think about it, my head will turn to TV static and shut off any chance of understanding my situation. I spend about 80-90% of my time going through the motions of life without any acknowledgment of my identity, thoughts, feelings, sensations, or perceptions in life.

Trauma doesn’t have to be a serious case of SA or physical abuse, it is possible it could be years of emotional neglect causing you to turn inward. Bullying, oppression, poverty, disability, physical illness, messy divorces/parents NOT divorcing, war, and many other issues are extremely taxing on a child.

This disorder is covert and nearly undetectable in most cases. Sometimes this means that it’s nearly impossible to see in ourselves. The whole point is to hide and make sure we “function” correctly in society, even at the expense of ourselves. It’s a coping mechanism our brain decided was the safest route to survive.

Identity disruptions, memory gaps, and all these things are not stable, concrete experiences. They are fluid. They can be wildly inconsistent, and you don’t have to be on the far end of the spectrum to experience these issues.

I’m not saying this as a genuine diagnosis of “You MUST have DID” because there are many different aspects that could impact this. I know that there are also like- labels that encompass different aspects that include trauma. However, this is just something I have noticed while scrolling through tumblr recently. This also isn’t targeted in any way, but if it resonates with you, I think learning about DID in medical contexts isn’t a bad idea (or at least learning of dissociation).

I have seen that a big reason many people get nervous to interact with traumagenic spaces is because of how aggressive and toxic they can be, which I understand is definitely a problem we see. It’s definitely a product of how DID is and what societal hatred does to marginalized communities. I take a very chilled and laid back approach to pretty much anything, so if you feel too scared to interact with the traumagenic community, I don’t mind trying to help!

[canary-project]

I fear for my friends safety. Even if it has no truth to it I am terrified

[canary-project]

i'm literally the priest's favorite sacrificial lamb because i am so docile and sweet and i hold very still when they put the rope around my neck and i trot along so happily while they lead me to the altar and they do not even have to tie me down because i lie so very still and only bleat once or twice in my lovely lamb voice and when the knife comes down it cuts through me like butter and i offer no resistance and i bleed so prettily all over my new white wool and my guts all unspool like the most beautiful shining yarn and my eyes are animal and dumb and hold no accusation and every time i die i come right back as another little lamb because the priest loves me so so much and he always chooses me for the sacrifice every time and he always places one hand on my small and twitching nose to calm me while he lifts the knife and he doesn't do it for the other lambs only me because i'm his favorite

[canary-project]

Man. I love living in fear

[canary-project]

Farewell to bitchmagnets😔😔

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I love that Im always the but of the joke. Its so fun. I enjoy my passion for my work being taken as a joke each and everytime

I really do

/s

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I hate that I alredy struggle with expressing feelings and you outright deny it from me. I am notballowed to be sad or mad when you fuck my work up becuse you'll be 1000 more upset if I express my emotions

[canary-project]

DONT MAKE ME KIN HER DONT MAKE ME KIN HER DONT MAKE ME KIN HER

Loving the kind of characters who upset me with their actiond and than I realise they upset me becuse its a flaw I too have

Make it stop

plsplsplspls

It really makes me upset how when she is jealous in ep1 of season2 of Aqua paying attention to someone else rather than her, and deciding to 'manipulate' him with acting like her ideal type that all happened in the last season just makes me want to BLOW UP SO BAD

[canary-project]

To say I miss you is an understatement

You are alive and well, we are still close as ever, but it makes me want to write yearning poems like a widow mourning their husband at war

I never experienced such heavy feelings before you. I remember crying on multyple occasions becuse I felt overwhelmed by the amount of love I feel for you

I just hope you feel the same

[canary-project]

If you wonder, this is where the name originates

Which to in response, [REDACTED] asked if I ever been in an actual mine

Which is pretty funny to question becuse I've been in quiet a few caves throught my childhood, not a coalmine, but salt mines? Other tourist caves? My parents ate it up, I was less than 10,but I still remember the dark thin hallways.

They were nice

[canary-project]

"𝙰𝚗𝚍 𝚠𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚊𝚋𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞?"

A simple question, really. Yet it was the first time I heard it being asked from me

It was strange, I remember how I just shrugged

'I don't know' it was never a priority. Me? I'll live. Hopefully

I wonder if you ever askef rhis question from yourself

What about me? What about how your actions affected me?

Guess I'll never know.

Im sorry

For whatever I did to deserve this

Yet all I do is blame myself for it, but there is nothing left to do.

Just move on