cannibalcreature777

[cannibalcreature777]

The person I reblogged this from deserves to be happy

I tried to scroll past this. I really did

[cannibalcreature777]

[cannibalcreature777]

some of y'all abled "allies" take back your support as soon as the person is "gross".

you still need to support disabled people if they use a catheter, diapers, IVs, food bags, and waste bags.

you still need to support disabled people if they cant shower, brush their teeth, put on deodorant, or shave regularly.

you still need to support disabled people if they bedrot, eat messily, and breathe noisily.

i am so tired of y'all treating disabled folks like trash.

This Post Is About Physical Disability. Do Not Derail.

[cannibalcreature777]

Welp. My life has gone to shit so here's a notes game with me if you want to help out or not. I've been busy with work and therapy, and I don't do any self care or my hobbies and more, so here's bow many notes to do something for self care.

Update: Since you guys have actually been blowing this up, I decided if you guys can get this post to 1000, I'll deep clean my depression room. See new post for proof of teeth brushing and picture of depression room. Thank you guys so much for the help

10 notes: I'll brush my teeth with toothpaste and floss

25 notes: take a shower

50 notes: Finish reading my book

100 notes: Process big trauma with our therapist

150 notes: eat three meals

200 notes: draw a full 2 page in my sketch book

250 notes: start and end chapter two in my memoir

300 notes: write and post a new poem

350 notes: make a doctor's appointment for my doctor to approve my top surgery and send it to my insurance

400: bleach and redye my hair

500: fill out 20 profiles simply plural programmed alters

600: do my laundry

700: fill out 30 of our simply plural profiles of programmed alters

800: reorganize our simply plural groups

900: read the Oculus South Park Fanfic

1000: leave suggestions and I'll pick!!

Not done yet

In progress

Done!!

[cannibalcreature777]

It's Agender Pride Day, here's some personal art from me

ID in alt text

[cannibalcreature777]

Are you a DID/OSDD System?

Do you like fun Discord Servers?

Come join my partners new server!!

This server is for DID/OSDD systems and people who want to have fun!!

We're open to any type of origin system and anyone in the Profiction and Pro Para (Anti Contact) Community!!

We have very fun channels about all different things!!

We have channels for systems, channels for art, channels for regular chats, and even vent chats!

Come join us for fun! We would love to get to know you and become friends with you!!

Things about the server:

We are a AntiHarassment server, which means whatever you do or post online, no one will harass or bully you for

We allow any type of origin systems

We only allow people who are propara who are Anti-Contact

We only allow people who are Profic positive even if you aren't profic.

Come join us for a fun time!!

[cannibalcreature777]

What does the e In oae mean?

It's actually spelled (OEA). I just spelled it wrong.

It stands for Organized Extreme Abuse

[cannibalcreature777]

I just finished listening to episode 85 of the magnus archives, a tale about a man who kept hearing a man on his stairs, but he was simply ***not there***.

He continues to describe his life as its taken over by the man and his staircase, until he soon becomes the man on the staircase and he is simply not there anymore.

I was washed over with such depersonalization thoughts about this case that it seems that I, too, feel a lot of the time, not there.

The man described that he'd go days without existing, and I feel the same. I go days of being not truly here, present in this reality, here in this wet meat suit shell of a body. I am simply not here, such as other people are. Yes, my body is here. Yes, I can feel, breathe, and touch as other humans, but I do not feel as humane as these other people I go days, if not weeks of nor existing. My empty shell of a body sitting here, staring, breathing, talking, but doubt all of that, I am not living. I do not feel alive.

I don't think I can remember a time when I felt alive. Maybe when I was little, sitting in the chucky cheese photo booth with my mom as a smile and she looks at the wrong place where she thought the camera was and so the picture prints out all black and white, Grey with speckled dots of us, my mother staring up, looking as if she's rolling her eyes and my tiny face looks at the camera and smiles. A true smile.

Was I even alive then, or was I just there. Was I just faking? Was I just being, but not living.

As I sit here now, typing this statement to you all, I can not truly tell if this is me or just my mind putting words together to make myself feel like I am present in this moment. Are any of us truly here in this moment Luke other people truly are? Humans that are untouched by reality. Untouched by the pain of entities that look human but do such grotesque things that we can only label them as monsters. I envy those humans. Oh how I wish to feel like they do.

A true happy that can take up their whole body, their whole Being where happiness is *just their being*I don't think I'll ever feel truly happy like those humans. We can say we're happy. We can smile, we can laugh, we can love. But are we happy? Will anyone who has gone through such as I have ever be truly happy?

Or are we all stuck in these shells that we call bodies and stuck in this torment we call life, day after day slaving for these monsters that get to call themselves humans though i will never truly get to be human because of them

I love Martin, and I even have a quite fond feeling of our partner system. Recently we have even been trying to open our arms to a possible third person to our polycule. But I see now, no one, not even our partner sees life the way we do

How to you react with these other real humans day to day knowing that no one you talk to in real life will ever feel the way you do.

Sure, maybe they've had similar feeling. Parents' death, pets' death, death in general if a quite hard subject. Though I do not feel death. I wish for it to come more than anything else. I wish for it to wash over me and for this shell to decompose, just like my mind.

I am the least dear of death unlike others. We have encountered it many times. Too many times for it to be normal, and even now as I think of it, the next time I encounter it, I will not be scared.

Other human get to feel these emotions and I am jealous. How I wish I could give them even a little bit of how I feel so they can truly see how hard life could be.

But I do not wish this fate of my unexciting humanity on any other person.

And even though I feel such anger towards my abusers, I can still not wish this onto them as well.

I see this as a weakness in myself. I feel as if this is the last ounce of empathy I truly hold. And this empathy will hold me down into my grave because I know one day this weakness will make me die.

Statement Ends

-Jon

[cannibalcreature777]

Hello! Want to make some nice friends?

Well, my partner and I own a discord server catered towards OEA/ITBC (RAMCOA) Survivors, people of the Anti Harassment Specturm such as Proshippers, Darkshippers, etc, and people who have paraphiles (who are anti contact only)

We have a verification process, so the community is protected. We are open to any people who are okay with ProPara or who have Paras, anyone who is okay with The Anti Harassment Specturmor or apart of it, and people of the OEA/ITBC (RAMCOA) community.

There are different sections for each thing, and many fun roles! We have many fun bots and many systems bots (Plural Kit, Tupper Box, Octocon). We have active moderators and two owners (my partner and I). With certain roles, you can get access to different categories, but you must be verified and fill out a separate form to get OEA/ITBC/RAMCOA channels.

We are open-minded to all types of people! If you think you might not fit into this server, go to my tumblr page and look at my pinned post to see my DNI/Interaction Stances!

Link ⤵️

https://discord.gg/saA6qAQbkw

We would love to see you there!!

Only qualifications you must have to join is:

15+ years old (bodily)

No TransRAMCOA people

Must be Anti Harassment (be respectful of everyone even if you don't agree with their opinions)

If you have a problem with any type of shippers or no contact Paraphiles or are easily triggered by OEA/ITBC (RAMCOA) topics, this server may not be for you.

[cannibalcreature777]

Being high is like feeling like a regular person who has an IQ around 80 to 110

[cannibalcreature777]

Wife, whore, mistress, maid, mother

Oh, the beauty and the buyer

Take the screaming one because a woman who doesn't want it is much hotter than a one that does

Wife, whore, mistress, maid, mother

- The Doll People by SOFIA ISELLA

[cannibalcreature777]

I open my arms wide to the dark

I said, "Take it all, whatever you want"

I didn't know that I was young

I didnt know what it would take

I didn't know what it would take

- Everyone by Mitski

[cannibalcreature777]

10 mindsets about my DID that have helped my system:

[This is solely for the sake of sharing experiences & supplying food for thought. This post is not implying these takes are the “right way” to view systemhood.]

1. We’re individuals and we’re parts of a whole. We see each other as people in our system, but in a different way than those in their own bodies. We share a brain. We share a life. I’m me, but I’m also him/her/them at the same time. If you take a piece out of a puzzle, it doesn’t cease to exist, right? It’s still its own object. It just doesn’t make much sense when it stands alone. We need each other to be truly complete.

2. Time keeps coming. I know it’s not an unlimited resource, but it’s not scarce either. Okay, so somebody in the system didn’t get to do what they planned today. They’ll do it tomorrow. No big deal. No need to fight about it or stress over “how I’ll ever manage all this”. We’ll simply give it another shot in the morning.

3. Reality is subjective. We’re a very philosophically-inclined system, and I could write books on what “reality is subjective” means. Basically, reality is based on perception. On a societal level, it is based in the common agreement of what something is. If anyone’s perception tests the limits of this common agreement, it is labeled as untrue. This ties into why DID is largely disbelieved; it doesn’t fit in with the common reality (perception) of the average person. So it is seen as fake. And, well, if I’m going to be told I’m wrong for the most basic, inherent part of this disorder… I don’t really care if they disagree with any other aspect of it. My reality is different. That’s okay.

4. There is no original. I strongly believe the Theory of Structural Dissociation. Maybe science will prove it wrong with a more suitable theory to take its place in the future, but it’s what I roll with at the moment. Now, to us, this translates as “there is no original/we were all the original”. We’re Adventure Time fans, so we think of it like the “Mother Gum”. If all of the Mother Gum broke off into people (like PB & Neddy), no specific one of them would be “the original”. Rather, they’d all be repurposed parts of the original whole. (In a less serious way, we like to say “we all came from the primordial personality soup”.)

5. Our body is shared equally. We’ve decided our body has its own identity & “look” that helps represent us as a whole, but doesn’t take after one member specifically. In a gnawingly self-aware way, I know this is a further form of dissociation. But adopting this view changed a lot for us in a positive way. We don’t fight about hair or clothes anymore, we don’t have discomfort around our legal name, we don’t even really have struggles with gender/sexuality anymore. (We identify differently internally, but externally we identify as nonbinary & bisexual. Even if the person fronting at the moment is, for example, a gay man.)

6. Be open-minded to what happens internally. Seems straightforward enough, but we’ve wasted a lot of time trying to “make rules” for each other in the system. The biggest example I can think of is in-system dating. Around 10 years ago, as we became more aware of each other, it became clear that two system members were basically in love. We immediately became defensive. We told them that they couldn’t do that, that two system members being together was absurd & “impossible”. (This view became stronger after discovering online system spaces & “fakeclaimers” that come with it.) Though we regret it now, we shamed those two a lot in the hopes they’d drop it. They didn’t. About 3 years later it became an actual problem. They didn’t trust us; they were fronting & we were coming back to absolutely no memory of it (we usually have a vague idea at least). Eventually, they wrote us a whole thing about how they were going to be together & there was really nothing anyone could do about it, seeing as we couldn’t technically keep them apart. In modern day, we’ve had an in-system couple recently fuse. Upon reflection, we were standing in the way of genuine healing by trying to break up the first two, and we did so solely out of shame. As long as it isn’t genuinely causing harm, we try to be accepting of each other these days. This applies to a lot of other aspects; how system members appear internally, the pronouns and/or identity labels they choose, anything to do with how system members engage with each other, our differing individual perceptions of an event, etc.

7. We don’t have to like each other, but we do have to love each other. Mostly because, if we don’t, we’re holding hatred for ourself. There are certainly members of my system I would never choose to befriend if we were actually separate people, but we’re not, and we don’t get to act like we are. So even though it’s hard, I’m learning to love every piece that makes up “me”, no matter how difficult they try to make it at times.

8. Nobody’s system works like mine except for mine. Meaning, no two systems are going to be alike, and experiences aren’t often going to translate perfectly. This is true for people who aren’t systems as well— everyone’s experience is going to be different, because nobody is wired exactly the same way. Once I took that to heart, it became easier to focus on my own way of being. I could take the pieces of represented/online systemhood that resonate with me & leave the rest (which probably resonates with someone else).

9. There’s a reason for everything. This kind of ties back into the ‘we have to love each other’ thing. Each component of the system is a clue regarding how to move forward. We had someone in the system getting really uptight & controlling, to a point that it was irritating, but, taking a step back, we recognized it was a response to feeling a lack of control. Instead of simply getting angry at him for how he was acting, we were able to address the problem. My collective self is more laid-back for it.

10. It’s okay not to focus on it all. DID is a part of my life for the rest of it, whether I like it or not, but it’s nice to let it be a background thing every once in a while. Who’s fronting? Who cares. What roles do we have? I don’t know. Who’s this new person in my head? I’ll figure it out later. We’re making it through as a team, and sometimes that’s enough.

[cannibalcreature777]

Oh how I wish to be a emo cis twink that was born in the 1990s and grew up in the 2000s as I listened to emo and Midwest emo music to hide my gay pain of not being Able to date my boyfriend bc were boys in love

[cannibalcreature777]

Written by me 2/20/2011

I was 6 the first time I was prepared to die

They beat me

They offered me for sacrifice

They took away my power

And I was prepared to die.

Not at my own hands

But as those who hurt me

I was 10 the second time I was prepared to die

Offered like a lamb for slaughter

I had no choice

I couldn't say no

They wouldn't have liked it if I said no

I somehow survived.

I was 11 when I was prepared to die

I was 12

I was 13

I was 14

I was 15 when I was prepared to die, this time at my own hands.

No one believed me, no matter how hard I screamed

No one believed me when I said who hurt me

No one wanted to believe someone was capable of these things.

I don't remember now, but at 15 I was prepared to die.

I was 16

I was 17

I was 18 and prepared to die.

I was prepared to die because I was told I would never live to see 19

I made it to 19 and was still prepared to die

Waiting for them to find me

Waiting for them to kill me

Waiting for them to make it look like I had ended myself.

I was 20 and 21 and 22

Every year since I was 11 years old.

And every other year since I was younger then 6

I was prepared to die.

I made it somehow.

Every now and again, i am still prepared to die

[cannibalcreature777]

I want to feel like I'm in one of cavetowns old songs

[cannibalcreature777]

TODO LIST

Poem by me

Forgive your dad

(Even though you'll never stop flinching at his raised hand)

Forgive your mom

(Even tho she'll never stop ignoring your cries for help)

Stop feeling like you asked for it

(No, really, it wasn't your fault)

Forget those days it stopped feeling normal

(No matter what, the showers will never wash it off)