captainfluffy6446

[captainfluffy6446]

Captain’s log: Week 27, Day 5

Mercy can now roll over! We got her a giant play yard for the living room and she just rolls around and smacks at her toys. She’s very fond of the dog and animals in general; she squeals whenever she sees an animal and is very adamant about touching it.

Mercy had her first splish splash bath; her first bathing tub only had her bum submerged and her feet dangling out of the tub. This new one is a full on small tub that she can sit up in and she loves it. She had fun kicking and hitting the water.

She’s taking an interest in everything anyone near her eats or drinks. I let her have tastes if what I have is baby friendly. She just licks what I have and it’s cute. She liked a lick of beef and cheese burrito and cream cheese frosting, she wasn’t too fond of chicken or tortilla by itself. She also likes egg and watermelon.

She’s getting absolutely huge and it’s killing me, she fills both arms when I hold her instead of just the one. I desperately need to organize my room and adjust her set up because she’s too big for her current diaper changing area. I feel like I never have enough time to do anything.

[captainfluffy6446]

Living his best life

[captainfluffy6446]

Captain’s log: Week 25

Mercy said “Mama” for the first time a couple days ago and I’ve been beaming ever since. She doesn’t call me Mama but when she’s in distress or wants something she’ll say “Mamamamama”. She’s so precious.

She’s not crawling or rolling over yet, she’s very close though. She’ll roll over 80% of the way and then flop back when her arm gets in the way. And she has the leg movements for crawling figured out, but she tends to throw her shoulders back whether she’s on her belly or being held and I think it’s odd. She reaches in front of her just fine. Maybe she just needs more arm focused play time.

Mercy has one or two baby meals every day now. She has her bowl of oatmeal and a fruit or veggie purée, sometimes she gets a breast milk popsicle mixed with fruit or just on its own. She still loves avocados and has recently taken a liking to blueberries, carrots, and bananas. We haven’t tried apples again but she enjoys pears. We tried a beef puree and she was pretty indifferent about it. I’m excited to have her try dairy, I hope she’s not allergic like me. I eat one slice of cheese and get a new cluster of hives somewhere. I can’t tell you how many giant cotton candy bubblegum milkshakes I had when I was pregnant with her though; that was my ultimate craving and it sucked.

Mercy’s half birthday is on May 2nd, I was thinking of getting her a personal watermelon to devour. Or giving her a couple bites of ice cream. Or maybe a mango or peach, something fun.

My depression has definitely not gone away and I’m losing control of my emotions. Like I dunno how to deal with things anymore. I wish I could just be a stay at home mom and drown in my baby’s world, but it’s out of the question. I want to see if the company that owns my restaurant has an office opening. It could be boring or annoying but I don’t think it’d be as stressful or smelly as my kitchen job.

I started playing Pikmin for the very first time this week and I’m obsessed. The time limit in the game makes me anxious but I love the little guys.

[captainfluffy6446]

Captain’s log: Week 21, Day 6

Mercy loves her cereal now and also likes avocados. She hates apples, which I think is wild. She tolerates bananas and carrots. We’re still figuring out green beans.

She’s figuring out how to blow raspberries and stares people down while they eat or drink anything. She seems to get upset when chips are eaten in front of her. I keep telling Mercy that I’ll share all of my snacks with her when she can start eating certain things.

I feel like I’m not doing great mentally. My self esteem sucks and paranoia says everyone hates me. I probably shouldn’t care but it’s hard not to. I’ve been feeling alone and I have people I can bug but the way I operate makes relationships very hard. I can’t really keep conversations going, and people think that I’m just not interested but I’m really just a human with very few words to say anymore. A lot of the time, I feel like I’m asking all the wrong questions and saying all the wrong things. Or maybe people just don’t want to talk to me. And that’s okay, but it makes me think there’s something wrong with me.

I’m definitely depressed.

[captainfluffy6446]

Captain’s log: Week 20

Mercy can sit on her own for the most part. She just randomly flails and flops over occasionally. She can’t transition from laying down to sitting up on her own yet, but with the assisted crunches we do every morning, I’m sure she’ll be there in no time. #DexterandBreakfast

Her dad watches her on the weekends now and I work Wednesday through Sunday for the most part. So she gets time with her dad on Friday and Saturday, and her dad hangs out with my parents at my house on Sunday’s and they collectively take care of her. It makes me stupid happy when I can say to my manager that “She’s with her dad, I can totally stay longer if needed”. Not that I can’t when she’s with my mom, but it’s nice to have others know that her dad is in the picture.

When I first started getting to know her dad 8 years ago, there were a good amount of reasons as to why I’d have a kid or two with him (and only him; I hated the thought of kids because this world sucks ass and how dare I bring an innocent into this mess but he clearly loves kids and helped raise his niece and nephew) and I’m reminded every weekend of those reasons. He may get on my nerves or be a pain in my ass but he absolutely loves and treasures her and is willing to be better for her and that’s all I could ever ask for.

Baby Bean’s main sounds are

Buh-gee-goo

Awh-wha

Un-Ghee

And an exasperated sigh

Oh and some squeals

Like consistent high pitched squeals, I woke up to those this morning and couldn’t believe it.

She also hisses now and she looks happy when she does it, but it feels sus.

Like, what’s the beef, Baby Bean??

I don’t sing to her, I do scat, because I suck at singing. Maybe that’s the beef..

[captainfluffy6446]

Captain’s log: Week 19, Day 3

Our room is an absolute mess, it doesn’t help that it’s already cramped. Therapist says that being in survival mode is normal right now and that it’s okay but I hate it.

Mercy ate some super diluted oatmeal yesterday. She only ate a couple bites before she starting spitting it out. We’re trying diluted carrots sometime this week, and maybe bananas after that. The oatmeal experiment was fun and cute, so I’m ridiculously excited for the next food adventures.

She keeps hitting my lip piercings when I cradle her, I worry that one of these days it’ll crack my teeth ;-;

[captainfluffy6446]

Captain’s log: Week 19, Day 2

I’m pretty sure baby Bean is low key teething, she’s been chewing on everything she can get her hands on and she’s been drooling a lot too. She’s gotten super great at the hand to mouth coordination. She’s been trying to sit up and hates being cradled anymore. I can now carry her on my hip without needing to support her head and she’s figuring out how to hold her bottle.

We’re trying oatmeal mixed with breast milk tomorrow and I’m so excited. I can’t wait to share snacks and breakfast with her. Our morning routine is pretty good, bedtime is surprisingly good too despite me working late nights. I’m the only one suffering, she wakes us up at 7:30 or 8 in the morning every day and I can’t seem to nap with her during the day. It’s always been hard for me to nap during the day but you’d think I’d be able to if I’m dog tired.

At her 4 month checkup, Mercy weighed 13.5 pounds and measured 24 inches long. Absolutely huge compared to her newborn size of 6.5 pounds and 19 inches. It’s so crazy, I’ve been crying over how much she’s grown.

[captainfluffy6446]

Captain’s log: Week 17, Day 3

Mercy has been throwing her toys, attempting to roll over, chittering at me like Chewbacca, grabbing everything she can, covering her face with her blankets, and somewhat laughing. She got more shots today and she only cried when the second one was injected, she didn’t mind the needle puncture at all. She loves it when I “Nyem nyem nyem” at her feet and play with her hands.

I had her Dad watch her at his place for the first time for a shift and it went really good. She was the happiest camper when I brought her home, she wasn’t cranky while I was gone. So we decided that he’ll watch Bean once a week, as long as the place is kept clean and clear.

Bean has almost outgrown her infant car seat so I got her one that’ll grow with her and shift into a booster seat. I’m excited but I’m sad that she’s growing so damn fast.

Winter only lasted a few weeks it seems like, so all of the sweaters I bought her are pretty much useless and I’m bummed. I guess I’ll just contribute them to her birthday quilt. Or dress her in the Oregonian style of sweaters with shorts

[captainfluffy6446]

Captain’s log: Week 15, Day 4

I guess Mercy was cranky and inconsolable most of the time while I was gone. Which is odd, but after hearing about what all was going on tonight (Dad was being a dick to Mom and the tv was loud) I think she just needed some peace and quiet. When I came home, I took her to our room and let her hold my fingers and she calmed down.

I got her to laugh a little! It was the sweetest sound ever and I cried. As I was changing her clothes, I tickled her neck a little and she laughed and squealed. I’m so happy.

I feel sorry for my Mom, she had a rough night. I hope tomorrow is easier. I think she’s open to the idea of Mercy’s dad helping her baby sit, we’ll see.

[captainfluffy6446]

Captain’s log: Week 15, Day 3, Ultra early AM

Mercy Moo still wakes up a few times a night for feedings, and I’m definitely ok with it cause my brain is wired to wake up at her usual times before she even wakes up. She’s gotten so big so fast, I’ve been staring at her for the last week and just marveling at how much she’s changed. Her hand and eye coordination still kinda sucks but she can definitely grab whatever I hold in front of her. Her forearms are getting so chunky that the crease lines of her wrist gather lint, just like her armpits, double chin, fingers, and toes. It looks like she managed to inherit my mom’s “bear paw” hands, they’re wide with short fingers. I’ve started to notice how big they are and I just adore them. Baby Bean likes to play with my fingers and pull at her grandpa’s massive beard, it’s the cutest.

She’s starting to recognize her Dad and she smiles at him whenever she sees him, it melts my heart.

She doesn’t cry when I put lotion on her anymore (cold oily stuff, I don’t blame her) but she absolutely fights me when I try to scoop giant boogers out of her nose.

I start work tomorrow and I’m excited and nervous. It’s only a four hour shift but I’ll definitely miss my Bean. She’s my little buddy. But the after work snuggles will be very nice.

[captainfluffy6446]

Captain’s log: Week 14

Mercy can grab a lot of things now, she’s taken a liking to pulling my hair and swatting at my lip piercings. She got a new toy this week; it’s a giraffe “Paci Buddy” that clings onto her pacifier. It seems like she prefers it detached though, she likes to pull at it and shove it in her mouth. She can’t roll over on her own but she’s getting the idea. She babbles and squeals a lot and I feel like she squabbles more than the average 3 month old.

Mercy hardly cries but when she does, I swear she’s trying to talk. When she cries and goes “Un-gee! Un-gee!” And I offer her a bottle, she sucks it down like she’s starving. So I’m thinking she’s trying to say “hungry”. I ask her if she’s hungry at least 8 times a day, I’m pretty sure she knows what the word means. But maybe I’m being silly? She also has a cry that goes “Un-gay!” And I feel like she’s saying “Okay” as in “I’m tired and fed up, make it stop” because 9 times out of 10, she’s tired and/or uncomfortable and takes a nap shortly after.

Whether she’s actually trying to talk or not, I’m figuring out her language and I’m so proud.

My breastfeeding journey came to an end a few days ago, so I’m back on my ADHD medication and it’s been nice. I’m sad that one of my ways to bond with Bean is over but we bond in plenty of other ways. Like staring at each other and laughing at her farts.

She hasn’t laughed yet, but she’s gotten close.

[captainfluffy6446]

Captain’s log: Week 12, Day 6

Baby Bean is starting to outgrow her 0-3 month clothes and I’m not ready. I could feel that she’s getting longer and heavier but oh my goodness. I favor one of her fleece onesie pajamas because it has chicken and chicks on it and she’s my little chicken, and I can barely cram her legs into them.

I’ll have to turn her clothing favorites into stuffed animals or a quilt.

She’s getting even better at grabbing things and I’m hoping sitting up will be a thing soon. I can’t wait for solid foods next month. She’s been eating her hands for the last few days.

[captainfluffy6446]

now seems like a good time to remind my fellow alt kids out there that you do NOT wear your political patches on your back.

wear them on the front. that way if someone disagrees and decides to get violent about it, they’re less likely to sneak up on you and catch you off-guard. stay safe.

[captainfluffy6446]

Captain’s log: Week 12

I’ve unfortunately been having drug cravings and I’m pretty upset about it. It’s to be expected but I hate that I have dreams about it (not nightmares) and find myself trying to rationalize breaking sobriety and thinking of ways to keep it on the down low. I know if I start again, I could potentially end up feeling different about my baby and lose myself. I don’t want that for her at all, she needs me. My parents used when I was in kindergarten and I went through a lot of trauma at that age because of it. I didn’t deserve that, she doesn’t deserve it either.

Baby Bean can now almost completely hold her head up. Her head still bobs but she hasn’t face planted in a few weeks. She’s been getting good with her hands, now we just need to work on her arms and get her rolling over.

I keep buying dumb princesses dresses for her. It feels silly cause she’s going to outgrow them, but she’s such a perfect looking baby and all beautiful girls need a pretty dress or two or three. I also make sure to dress her in comfy clothes too, I’d hate life if I was always wearing dresses. Sweatpants and soft thermals are neat too. No hats though, she hates hats and has learned how to pull them off or wiggle her head enough to make it fall off. It’s the cutest thing.

Today and yesterday my milk supply dropped to 2 ounces a day and I’m scared. I have a good freezer stash for Mercy but I want her to have a good amount of breast milk throughout her first year.

[captainfluffy6446]

Captain’s log: Week 11, Day 3

My co-captain and I made up for the most part. Which is a delight because it sounds like we were both going to pull some legal strings behind each other’s backs and we would’ve resented each other if one or the other went through with it. I was worried he would fight me for custody and he was worried I would keep him away from Mercy. Neither would’ve happened.

Mercy is getting very good at grabbing and hitting things. She almost always uses her right hand, so I wanna start encouraging her to use her left. During feedings, she uses the right to help hold her bottles and uses the left hand to pull at her hair. She’s starting to notice my lip piercings more and enjoys staring or swatting at them. She’s grabbed them a few times but never enough to rip them out (this is why I stopped wearing hoops).

I’ve been binge eating sweets and my milk supply has been going down. I usually have 5 ounces pumped by the end of the day, lately it’s been 3 or 4. I’ve also been eating veggies and bologna sandwiches religiously. My water intake isn’t the greatest but it never has been.

Times been flying ridiculously fast. Even now as kiddo is sleeping. I put her to bed around 9 and I’ve just been laying here. I feel like it’s only been a few minutes, but it’s been a couple hours. I hate this feeling.

[captainfluffy6446]

Captain’s log: 6AM thoughts

Not trying to sound lazy, but ye know how individually wrapped string cheese comes in the package still attached to each other? And you either have to rip the package on the side, which feels weird, or just dump them all in the fridge because tearing one away in the package is a pain in the ass? Why don’t they come already separated?? Beef sticks come separated, yogurt tubes and otter pops come separated (for the most part). Why must my cheese come in the package stuck together?

[captainfluffy6446]

Captain’s log: Week 10, Day 3

Mercy’s starting to be very clingy. Lately I can hardly get my breakfast going without her being upset that she’s not in my arms. When I put her in her baby carrier, she tries to wiggle out and gets pissed. It used to be that if she was upset, she was just tired or hungry. Now she’s also wanting to always be within a foot of me, wanting my attention (if I look away from her to do something and she wants me, she gets upset) or sometimes she even wants to check out what’s on the tv (she’s been watching football since we gave her her seat on the couch at a few weeks old).

She’s been having nightmares lately and she’ll wake up crying or be half asleep and crying. I wish I could make them go away. Or maybe she just wakes up in distress? I dunno. But her being so dependent on me and refusing the comfort of anyone else makes me worry about going back to work. I wish I didn’t have to go back.