cassiecreateschaos

[cassiecreateschaos]

reblog if it's okay for your mutuals to message you and create an actual friendship, not just interactions

[cassiecreateschaos]

Hello please reblog this if you’re okay with people sending you random asks to get to know you better

[cassiecreateschaos]

Maybe they were right

When they said you can’t love someone else until you love yourself

Not because you don’t know what love is

Not because you can’t love them

But because you can’t understand their love 

You can’t fathom their feelings

Because you hate yourself too much to see what they do

To love yourself the way they say they do

[cassiecreateschaos]

I just got home from his house and I changed into my hoodie I let him borrow and it smells like him with a scrunchie pulling up my hair that he bought for me and wore around his wrist so it smells like him too and I’m wearing comfy shorts and I can still taste him on my lips and everything is better here

[cassiecreateschaos]

Most dark academia thing? Debating Virginia Woolf’s “Death of a Moth” in the bathroom of a 1920’s costume party

[cassiecreateschaos]

You tell me you’re an animal, one whose bright colors and flashy personality scream “venom” “danger” “run”

You tell me you don’t want me to be hurt, but you tell me you love me in the same breath

You warn me with such complete honesty it takes my breath away

I wish I could say you were lying, I wish you were over exaggerating your tendencies and moods, your volatility

But I don’t care

I will cut myself on the broken shards of you, I will not discard your warnings and hazard signs but embrace them fully as I take you in

I will love you even though it’s not good for me, I will love you and expect nothing in return, I will love you with complete abandon until everything you are takes over me, until there is nothing left for me to love but who you are

[cassiecreateschaos]

How can I be forgiven?

When the most grievous sin I had committed was loving a man more than myself?

[cassiecreateschaos]

Sometimes I wonder if I’m a broken record

Constantly rewinding back my childhood in the favor of a promise

On my bed, legs crossed 

Pouring out old emotions to mix with new ones on paper

Through words and pictures and feelings translated with color and pain

“A bird that has been caged its whole life yearns for the freedoms of the sky”

“Where a bird that has been free craves the safety of a cage”

I have never once faltered in my happiness at how I was raised

Despite the mood swings

The constant tandem of feeling loved and cherished to the lows of not feeling wanted, of feeling used

From the yelling in the kitchen to the smashed glass in the sink

I have loved my life with you 

Despite what the canvas, the lined papers, the angry writing marring my skin might yell or whisper or sob

I learn more about you both each day

I see it in how you treat me, how you speak

How you’ve raised me

And suddenly I’m in the backseat of a car, Fernandez blasting with the wind and your voice on the open road

I’m being carried in your arms after I’ve fallen asleep

I’m swimming in the clear blue water and you’re urging me not to go in too far

We’re planting tomato’s in the backyard and I just pulled up a carrot and

All these things that reeked of sensibility 

Of a secure sense of responsibility and trust without being crushing 

They were so unlike your own childhoods

And I’m sorry you never got to fly

I’m sorry the only way that you were able to have freedom was by escaping your cage

I’m sorry it led to mistakes you’d rather not have made and bridges you’d have rather not been burned 

But despite all your faults

Thank you, for letting me fly, while I knew you were right behind me

For letting me be free with the security that you’d catch me if I fell 

[cassiecreateschaos]

It seems so close and yet

So far

Like it was just yesterday 

But also a lifetime ago

I look at my walls

Painted blue by you

From when i was small

But I can’t help but notice the patches I’ve fixed and painted back over

From photos you nailed to the wall

Stupid butterfly inspiration posters you hung up

There has to be something poetic there

How I took what you did and who you were

And somehow was able to fill the spaces you once took and made myself

Today is the day my lip balm turns 5 years old

The little jar of classic Carmex dirty and worn

Before I started the 5th grade at a new school, you had insisted I start to use it

“It’s surprisingly good for your fingers”

You didn’t really know what to say about my newfound anxiety and the habit I had picked up over the last few years of picking at my cuticles until they bled

But you tried, I think

That jar was your way of trying

And when you died

It sat at the bottom of my backpack like old change

Because my fingers never got a break after

The Carmex would mix with the blood and sting the fresh cuts on my hands and I tried everything

From bandades to cutting my fingernails twice a day

Because suddenly my worry had multiplied 

Suddenly I had something to stress about

I suddenly had something to miss

And in this room, that I made my own, I look at my fingers and realize

That despite the walls, despite the holes, despite my fingers

Nothing has changed

[cassiecreateschaos]

Introductions and Formalities

So I've had tumblr about 5 years now and yet, I have never posted anything or even reached out/followed much of anyone and this is me trying to remedy that Hello I love music and speaking french, things like long talks about philosophy and God and poetry and full nights of sleep. I love reading so much that "love" doesn't even begin to sum it up and I use adjectives that I go to great pains to make sure I pronounce correctly, I sketch and I love math and poetry and the Oxford comma and all of this is to say: I want to meet people If you vibe, maybe contact me...?? P.S. Super into Comic Books, Marvel and DC and if you could find any discussion boards or something it'd be greatly appreciated :))