cast-adrift-in-the-endless-sea

[cast-adrift-in-the-endless-sea]

My inability to complete assignments does not mean I don't deserve respect. I am a person too

[cast-adrift-in-the-endless-sea]

My aunt and uncle are coming to my dorm room today. I am so anxious. I just know they will be seriously judgemental and disapproving about my everything. I can't even defend myself because then it will be: "we don't need to store your stuff in our house." and "we'll cancel your phone." And I just know they will tell my mother everything about me, even if it's really not that important, and she will find even more fault with me. So, I just really need them to leave. And they haven't even gotten here yet.

[cast-adrift-in-the-endless-sea]

I've been passively suicidal since 7th grade and seriously contemplating it on and off since last year. If every step I take leads me back to the same place, shouldn't I just do it? I'm always going to come back to feeling this way. Why delay the inevitable?

[cast-adrift-in-the-endless-sea]

All I want is a win

[cast-adrift-in-the-endless-sea]

It's so hard for me to tell people how I feel or what's happening because I don't fully remember the bad things. I don't remember what my mom said to me even though it happened only moments ago. I don't remember what my sister did to make me so angry even though we're still having that argument. I don't remember what exactly happened to make me feel so left out even though I'm still feeling that way. The brain has a coping mechanism to make you forget what causes you pain so you don't go crazy but it makes it all so hard to articulate and it makes me feel like I'm losing my mind.

[cast-adrift-in-the-endless-sea]

She's the one making fun of me. She's the one yelling. She's the one who looks ridiculous. So why do I feel small and embarrassed and willing to do anything to make her stop.

[cast-adrift-in-the-endless-sea]

Who put you in charge of me? You're my sister not my mom. I shouldn't have to answer to you. So why does it feel like I do?

[cast-adrift-in-the-endless-sea]

I'm starving but I can't eat because the act of putting food into my mouth is too much to bear

[cast-adrift-in-the-endless-sea]

I'm so stressed, my stomach hurts. I don't even know why

[cast-adrift-in-the-endless-sea]

I am not your child. This does not affect you. It is not your problem. Why are you getting so involved? Why are you making threats, taking sides, yelling at me? It does not concern you. So just go.

[cast-adrift-in-the-endless-sea]

People are always telling me to cut my mom slack. "She's having a hard time," they say. "You need to be more considerate of others," they say. "You're stressing her out," they say. "Don't be so immature," they say.

What about me? Do my feelings not matter? Does it not matter that she makes my mental illness worse. That when I was suicidal, she was one of the main reasons? That she's stressing me out? Why am I expected to take it? Why am I told to tune down my response? How come no one ever tells her to be kinder to me?

[cast-adrift-in-the-endless-sea]

leave me alone. leave me alone. leave me alone.

You make things worse not better. Leave me alone.

[cast-adrift-in-the-endless-sea]

My sister says not to judge her on her behaviour when she was 15. Easy for her to say. She didn't experience it. She doesn't know what it feels like to be interrogated by your 'liberal' family for hours on your sexuality. To suddenly decide that the fact you are in a secret club for LGBTQ+ members of your school is too much of a secret, and she just has to tell your very homophobic parents. To get asked every day for months whether you've found new friends yet, to feel like she's spying on you at school because you like your friends, and you don't want to have to change. She turned my life into a living hell, and I'm just supposed to forgive her because she claims she's changed. Even though she never believes anything I say about myself because "you've lied before, so I can't trust you anymore." And why do you think I've lied? She expects too much. I have the right to be upset.

[cast-adrift-in-the-endless-sea]

You insist I sit outside with people all the time. Instead of doing my own thing on my own. Does my desire for privacy, for my own space and my own time, mean nothing to you?

[cast-adrift-in-the-endless-sea]

Why do I have to struggle so much just to wake up in the morning

[cast-adrift-in-the-endless-sea]

I mean what I say. It's not your job to make assumptions on my life. It's your job to listen to me. If you can't do that, what's the point of you?

[cast-adrift-in-the-endless-sea]

If you don't like me anyways, does it really matter what I do? Why should I bother to try?