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A Jornada Para Me Reinventar

I’ve been dissatisfied with majority of the therapy sessions I have attended—but there was an insight that one of my therapist provided me that continues to ring in my mind. “You were a growing tree and your roots were pulled harshly from the ground, so you never grew them back again”. A feeling of emptiness rushes over me as I repeat it. My life completely changed the day of my birthday in 2003; as I was about to blow out my candles I looked up to my mom and asked if grandma was coming home. My mom said that grandma wishes she could be here and that she wishes me a happy birthday. My grandmother passed away the following day after going through several gruesome procedures that ended her life. I couldn’t cry—I dissociated and didn’t speak for an entire week.

From that day on, the changes to my life became increasingly dramatic. My dad lost his job, we had to depend on family to feed us, and we were secretly living in my grandmas house without the landlord knowing. With not many options to go off of or money, my dad decided to relocate us to the US.

On the day of our departure I watched as my dad packed the glass cups that were once neatly placed on our apartment shelf. Not knowing what was to come, I asked if we were going to Disney world (the staple of America to foreigners) to which my dad equivocally answered ...”close enough”. When we arrived at the airport all of our family and friends were there to greet us. I played tag with my cousin and my best friend and joyfully pranced around. The hours passed and it was now time to go. My mom held my hand and we walked towards the gate—tears streaming down our families faces—and in that moment I realized my life would change forever.

I started my journey in America with confidence and pride but ended up disheartened. The culture was rigid compared to the life I was accustomed to in Brazil. No more random play dates after school—everything must be scheduled. No more hugging friends or teachers—keep your hands to yourself! The cafeteria doesn’t offer rice, beans, and chicken—pizza and chocolate milk at best. By no means were these “deal breakers”, more so a culture shock, but loneliness was overwhelming.

In my most obnoxious extremely friendly Latin American way, I audaciously would introduce myself to almost all the kids in my grade. I was excited to meet American kids but they weren’t very excited to meet me. It took me almost four years to make friends at school and by that time I had already internalized that I’m better off keeping to myself.

To make matters worse, the family that we did have here were keen on bullying the younger generation. My cousins and I were told we were unfit in multiple ways—our mothers felt it wasn’t their place to defend us and our fathers considered it character building. Every step I took was an opportunity for someone to tell me how I should be and what I’m not. The bold kid I once was diminished and conformed.

I spent majority of my life frustrated because everyone seemingly knew who I was (or more so told me who they thought I was) except for myself. I would mold myself to be whatever people wanted me to be, even if it displeased me. I just wanted friends, some validation, and a little love.

But I finally woke up one day and walked away from that version of myself. I wasn’t a kid who was afraid of being themselves and I don’t want to run away from who I am and can be any longer. Perhaps I’ll always dream of how my life would’ve been if I never immigrated and stayed close to my family, but I don’t resent my experiences here even if they’re not the most pleasant.

I am a tree learning to grow my roots. My branches and my leaves scare me yet intrigue me. I’m going to allow myself space to grow and if others decide that they enjoy my foliage and the security of my shade on a warm day—I welcome them. But no one will tell me I can’t grow, that I can’t take up space.

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Share widely! Trans Lifeline’s Spanish extension is live today! When you call 877-565-8860, you’ll be able to choose between English & Spanish before you’re connected with a trans peer who speaks that language. #freethemall #asylumseeker #orgullotrans

¡Comparte ampliamente! ¡La extensión en español de Trans Lifeline está en vivo hoy! Cuando llame al 877-565-8860, podrá elegir entre inglés y español antes de conectarse con un compañero trans que hable ese idioma. #freethemall #asylumseeker #orgullotrans https://www.instagram.com/p/CCG4xVcFjoU/?igshid=1c49pltyh415d

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support stonewall activist miss major

Miss Major Griffin-Gracy has been a tireless activist for Black trans and gender non-conforming people for well over four decades. She formerly directed the Transgender Gender-Variant Intersex Justice Project (TGIJP) in San Francisco, which currently works to free and re-integrate those unjustly held in jails, prisons, and detention centers. She is now recovering from illness, and supporting her latest project, the House of GG (Griffin-Gracy Educational Retreat and Historical Center) in Little Rock, Arkansas. The House of GG was created as a healing and recovery space centering the growth and leadership of Trans women of color living in the American South.

Miss Major has been experiencing health setbacks for over a year. She is now in recovery, but still needs community support and appreciation. Please do all you can to support our activist mother and grandmother, and build strong communities for T/GNC BIPOC. Reblogs are greatly appreciated!

Miss Major’s Monthly Fundraising Circle (Fundly)

House of GG (houseofgg.org)

TGI Justice Project (tgip.org)

MAJOR! documentary film (2015)

Interview: “TransVisionaries: How Miss Major Helped Spark the Modern Trans Movement” (Raquel Willis, them. Magazine)

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Gênero inventado

Dizem que os gêneros não binários são inventados, tentando nos invalidar.

Só queria dizer que… São mesmo.

Nossos gêneros são inventados, assim como todos os gêneros, assim como o seu.

Feminino e masculino também foram criados. E quando elaboramos novas identidades colocamos o caráter instável do gênero em evidência, por isso incomodamos tanto.

Como diz a Leticia Lanz, gênero é uma coisa que devia existir um para cada pessoa do planeta, ou não existir nenhum. 

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Gênero inventado

Dizem que os gêneros não binários são inventados, tentando nos invalidar.

Só queria dizer que… São mesmo.

Nossos gêneros são inventados, assim como todos os gêneros, assim como o seu.

Feminino e masculino também foram criados. E quando elaboramos novas identidades colocamos o caráter instável do gênero em evidência, por isso incomodamos tanto.

Como diz a Leticia Lanz, gênero é uma coisa que devia existir um para cada pessoa do planeta, ou não existir nenhum. 

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-Super Drag Pabllo Vittar <3

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my friend micah is in need of financial help right now to get away from his transphobic family by the time school rolls back around. please reblog, and donate if possible! he’s a good friend and means a lot to me.

his @ is @mythicalsocks !!

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What does a quality clinical psychology graduate program look like?

I’ve gotten a lot of asks about how to tell which programs- mostly clinical psych, but I think other sorts of mental health clinician training programs -are high quality programs, with training in evidence-based practice, with focus in both clinical work and research, that will lead to most students gaining the skills they need for their careers. And on the flip side, how to tell if a program is not so high quality. Thanks to the anons and @the-e-r for sending in their questions!

So here is a list to consider when evaluating a potential program. I think this will most highly apply when looking at clinical psychology and probably counseling psychology doctoral programs, but for other sorts of programs many things will also apply. 

Is the program accredited? 

APA-accreditation is the minimum standard. You need this to get many jobs, and it will be very difficult to get licensed without it. 

Is the program funded? If so, how?

If the program is a doctoral program and it is not funded, that is a huge red flag. I would discount it immediately. Master’s programs are often unfunded. How a doctoral program is funded will give you an indication of what the program’s priorities are and how it’s connected- is it mostly teaching? research? clinical practicum? a mix? 

Is the program attached to a university? If so, what kind?

If the program is “free standing,” aka not attached to any regular university, that’s also a huge red flag. I would recommend not applying to any of those schools. Although the particular school a program is attached to will not necessarily tell you how good the program itself is (like- PGSP-Stanford is okay but not funded and not as good as you would assume given it’s quasi-association with Stanford) but it gives you a starting reference point, particularly regarding the faculty and resources available to the program. 

How many students are admitted per year?

A quality clinical/counseling program typically admits between 5-15 people a year (sometimes but rarely less). Greater than that would be a red flag to me for any doctoral program, I would not consider a program that regularly admits 20 or more. (My guess is that this would vary depending on the master’s program).

What is the attrition rate?

Attrition is the number of students leaving the program for any reason, and should be listed on the program’s website. It can be tough since we’re talking such small class sizes- like if the program admits 8 and 2 leave, that’s 25%, which sounds big but may not be meaningful. So look at patterns over time. Are people often leaving? Does at least one person, or particularly, multiple people, leaving from every class admitted? That could indicate several red flags- a) they are cutting people after year 1 or 2 (and plan to do so), which is bad for you (and I just disagree with that practice); 2) students are leaving because the program is bad or at least one of the faculty are bad to work with; 3) the program is not good at selecting students to admit (and so picks students with bad fit or who aren’t ready or some other thing) and then might be doing a bad job helping those students. High attrition is a yellow flag, for me- something to investigate.

What’s the graduation rate?

This is the flip-side of attrition- you want people who are admitted to be largely successfully getting through that program and getting to a job. 

How many graduates get pass the EPPP and get licensed?

Nearly every graduate of a doctoral clinical or counseling program should successfully get licensed. It’s really pretty rare that a clinical/counseling psychologist would not need or want to get licensed (even if they are researchers), and if the rate is low it usually means a) the program is bad in general or b) the program is very research focused and fails students in the clinical area. 

What is the internship match rate? (For APA-accredited programs?) How does the program support students to get an internship?

You want an APA-accredited match rate of at least 90%. I would throw out all the programs with less than 85% (and really be very cautious until you get to 90-95%- most of the good programs are at least the low 90s). You want students who are matching on their first round, to internships that meet their training goals. The program should be helping students to achieve this by helping them find good internships, put together their materials, practice for interviews, etc. 

Where do graduates go after graduation- both short term (like postdoc) and long term? How does the program help students get where they want to go?

Graduates of a good program should leave the program with a job, in their field, in their speciality, that they want. Do not accept a program where people end up in bullshit jobs after 3-7 (or more!) years of post-college education. Make sure some of these graduates are doing the kinds of things you think you might want to do. 

How does mentorship work?

There are multiple kinds of mentorship models in doctoral programs. Most quality clinical and counseling psychology doctoral programs have students matched to a mentor from the beginning, that they will work with throughout grad school. That’s a green flag. It’s not necessarily bad if the program has another mentorship model, but there needs to be some kind of model. Some of the low quality schools have basically no mentorship model, which makes it hard to conduct research, develop as a professional and make networking connections. 

What does a typical week look like for a student?

Talk to the program, and to individual students, about what typical weeks are like. This will give you an idea, again, about what the program’s priorities are for students. How much research time? How much clinical time? How diverse is it- do students get to create their own schedules to achieve their own goals? Is one teaching because they want to be a professor at a liberal arts school while the other is doing an extra practica at a school because they have a interest in development? That’s a green flag. If students are overworked and not getting to the things that matter to them- that’s a red flag. If they are spending a lot of time doing clinical work but not a lot of time getting clinical training- that’s a red flag. 

What is the practica and who does the clinical training?

In a quality school, clinical practica should be diverse. Students should train in multiple settings with multiple populations under multiple supervisors. They should learn multiple techniques, and those techniques should be evidence-based. They should be able to clearly explain how to they train their students and why. It’s a red flag if students are only in the department clinic. It’s a red flag if training is mostly or entirely disconnected from the department. It’s a yellow flag if faculty do none of the clinical training- it can sometimes indicate the faculty are totally research focused, which can impair the connection between science and practice. 

What are the faculty’s theoretical orientations? What is their training background? Their interests?

Who the faculty are will give you a sense of what they want the students to learn and to be as professionals. I tend to think a diversity of interests- research interests and clinical expertise -is important because it maximizes student access to resources. 

What kind of research resources are there in the program? What kind of expectations do they have for students?

A program that prioritizes research should have resources available to students to aid them in that, whether that’s personnel (stats experts, for example), materials (an fMRI or stats software) or money. 

What are typical topics for master’s theses and dissertations? Where is data collected? What kinds of resources are there for students to aid them in research?

By getting a sense of what’s usually done, you’ll know what the real resources are, and how prioritized research really is. If people are often doing undergrad surveys, then that’s a red flag. If people are doing complex research using a variety of procedures in a variety of populations- particularly clinical populations -that’s a huge green flag. But ask what’s available now, for you, given your interests, because access to resources and communities changes all the time. 

What conferences do students typically go to? Is there any funding for conferences?

Conferences that programs go to will give you a sense of their priorities and interests. Do they go to APA? ABCT? APS? Does each lab go to a speciality conference for their area? There isn’t necessarily a wrong answer, but a good program will be involved with at least one conference and it should line up with your interests. They should also pay you to go- that’s a green flag. 

What other sorts of training experiences does the program offer? (Outside of regular classes) Seminars? Clinical training? Do they have speciality “tracks” or “minors”? Do they have connections with other departments? Do they bring in speakers from other schools? Do they do professional development seminars?  

A quality program should offer other training and professional development experiences, although what those might be will vary. But sometimes low quality programs use things kinds of things- especially “minors” or similar things -to sell the idea that their program is better than others. Watch that carefully. Sometimes a program with a “minor” or whatever does a have special training experience, which is great- but a “minor” will not be recognized beyond a line on your CV, so take it as a training experience and not anything more. 

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created by @/alexand_erleon on Instagram

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Sometimes I don’t think my message is coming across the way I intend it.

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The Gordinha and The Kitchen Jungle Gym

Let’s play a word association game, when I say Brasil what or who do you think of (take 1 min to think about it)?

 Perhaps you thought of the beach, soccer, Adriana Lima, Acai, and other things which are typically associated with Brasil. I most commonly get big butts and hot girls (a good portion of Victoria’s Secret models are Brasilian so duh). While all these things might seem innocuous and maybe flattering, it has ultimately contributed to how I grew up being objectified from a very young age and I’m almost certain many other people have as well, especially folks who do not fit those parameters. My mother is whiter than a Clorox spill on a colored shirt and with that comes the self-deprecating standards of European thinness and other evil expectations which are STRONGLY reinforced by Brasilian society. While I love my mom and can appreciate the great lengths that she has gone to care for me, it is also time to recognize the ways she acted devoid of love. You see, my mom is a personal trainer (an amazing one at that) and from my childhood onward she has always forced onto me the “importance” of hyper-femininity through diet culture, exercise, and myriads of other harmful behaviors. At 10 years old, I remember walking into the dietician’s office with my mom without fully comprehending why I had to be there in the first place. The extremely thin “doctor” took my weight, spoke to my mom, then sent us on our way. The frustration didn’t start settling in until I saw my lunch and other meals had been completely changed and the message was clear, I was fat and being fat wasn’t ok. I watched as kids during lunchtime ate whatever they pleased while I was only allowed half a sandwich and a diet juice box that tasted like soap. My mouth watered at the girl sitting next to me savoring a fruit roll-up—I looked down at my lunch in embarrassment. It felt like punishment. Upset, I would go home and attempt to confront my mom, “just tell me you think I’m fat and that it’s a bad thing”, she would shyly smirk and avoid the question altogether.

 My mom and dad made the perfect fat-phobic duo—my mom being a personal trainer and my dad being a gym owner really solidified their skinny dreams for me. Everyday after school my dad would make me go to jiujitsu class and for one hour after class he made me run on a treadmill. The treadmill was placed directly in front of the classroom he taught in so everyone could watch me run and so he could monitor me. If I turned down the dial because I couldn’t run as fast as my dad set it, he would come by and raise it back up. I don’t know if the treadmill was strategically placed in front everyone on purpose, but it felt like it was. I remember one specific discussion with my dad where he attempted to silence my complaints about the diet/training by angrily saying, “do you want to be used as a point of reference? Do you want people to say, ‘the bus stop or the store is right next to that fat person?’” I silently nodded no.

 This treatment eventually led to binge eating. When I would occasionally be left in the care of relatives, I would climb their kitchen cabinets and raid the cupboards and eat everything in sight.  FOMO—I ate everything I could while I could because I knew once I was back home, I couldn’t even look at food without being reprimanded for it. I would sometimes sit on the marble counter and ask myself why I felt the need to binge and would tell myself the things I could never say out loud when my mom asked, “what’s missing? What are you unhappy about?” My lack of dignity and the hateful way I now look at myself because of you.

 Maybe after a while my mom realized it just wasn’t going to happen for me. Every year she got mad I could no longer fit into a size 0 Hollister pair of jeans and wasted her time doing so because I was never, and am never, going to be or look like her for various reasons:

1.       I don’t want to look like her.

2.       I’m non-binary. To adhere to forms of binary thinking/belief systems especially belief systems rooted in oppression works against my identity.

3.       My lower body is significantly heavier than hers and my arm can’t even fit into a size 0 pair of jeans.

 All these things considered, I would also like to hold myself accountable for the ways in which I still act in fat-phobic ways towards myself and highlight how I’m trying to change that. Growing up being objectified was anxiety inducing because it gave everyone the right to comment on how I looked except myself, this is still the case today, so its hard to not be overly critical. In order to counter this, I have been actively engaging in conversations with myself about why I want to exercise daily, why I choose to eat the way I do, and how it benefits me?

1.       Why I want do exercise daily? Initially it was because I wanted to be thin, no surprise there. But the more I internalized that there isn’t a right or wrong body type and that being skinny does not = healthy (hell fucking no it doesn’t), I stopped working out and focused on other things that brought me actual joy until I was ready to reevaluate my intentions. Once I did reevaluate, I decided to shift my focus from harmful exercise behaviors to using exercise as a means to curb my anxiety and structure my day. Running and weightlifting helps me control my breathing. well it forces me to, and distracts me from the things I obsess about that leads to anxiety. Exercising also forces me to start my day. I feel the most energetic after a workout (who doesn’t love an endorphin rush) and I use that energy to pour into other work I have for the day. Exercising should never be a form of punishment. Bodies do not deserve punishment. Our bodies need validation, love, and understanding. To grow the appreciation and love I have for my body I have joined my best friend on a pole dancing journey! Not only do I get to practice a new way of exercising, I get to feel sexy and strong in such a raw way.

2.       Why do I choose to eat the way I do? I LOVE FOOD. I spend most of my money on it and I’m not ashamed about it AT ALL but I do have to be careful. I have high cholesterol and other diseases that run in my family and getting chest pains isn’t the most pleasant feeling in the world. Eating too much processed food makes me lethargic and me being lethargic just doesn’t make a good combination with the other mental illnesses I have. I balance this by eating 4-6 times a day, I eat a lot of foods that support me during my workout/recovery process, and I must always have chocolate every night. No exceptions. Desserts make me happy and I eat them and make them often.

3.       How does this benefit me? Simple, I’m in control. If I don’t want to exercise and eat Smashburger I will. If I want to lift and then drink a protein shake, cool ill do that. If I want to do all those things in a day, I WILL and I will be satisfied because I did what made me happy and what felt comfortable for me that day.

 I’m short, I have a wide back, and thick ass legs, and I love it. Please be kind to yourself, its not always a linear process and I still go though it sometimes but remember there is no such thing as invalid bodies. Reach out if you need a friend <3.

 *clink clink, cheers with our burgers*

 *Gordinha means fatty in Portuguese

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Welcome to meu (my) blog!

Hello Friend, 😊

Welcome to casulo! Casulo is the Portuguese word for cocoon (the threads that certain insects wrap themselves in prior to metamorphosis), I chose this word because it describes the way in which I guard my feelings and thoughts. I created this blog as a potential tool I can use to express myself and to learn how to organize my thoughts (which tend to run at a million miles per hour). As a person who graduated with a degree in psych and believes in the power of mindfulness and compassion, I unfortunately have not experienced much of either of those in my daily interactions nor in individual therapy sessions, which makes managing my stress and anxiety quite difficult. While I tend to feel lonely and misunderstood a lot of times, due to reasons previously mentioned, I try to sit with those feelings and invest in different coping mechanisms I can use to have love and empathy for myself. My biggest goal is being able to effectively communicate with others and holding either them or myself accountable for the harm done. Accountability doesn’t come easy to or for me. My home is governed by the cultural values of my home country which means minors like myself do not get passed the microphone to speak about familial harm—in fact only the men get the microphone. These patriarchal figures that govern my family have caused significant harm to me and others in the family, so I’d like to unpack some of that harm for my own peace of mind. All that being said, I’m not expecting much of an audience but if you’re here, thank you for reading and I hope that I and everyone else that’s in the same life raft as me can one day bloom from their casulo.

 Muito amor,

Vic (They/Them)