caveofstars-blog-blog - Tumblr blog

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2 years older

Hi it’s been 2 years more or less and I’m 18 and I’m in college now and I’m sitting in my dorm and I just read through all my posts. I’m both grateful and sad. Grateful that I am no longer the person I was then but also haven’t changed too much, grateful that I am smarter and wiser and hopefully stronger. I’m grateful I’m no longer going through that pain any more and I have someone I love who hopefully will not put me through that pain again even though it may be inevitable, I hope that it is not. I’m upset because why oh why did I ever want to get older. I hate being an adult hate every part of it, hate doing adult things and having to do adult things. I want to be back in high school or even just a kid, but high school preferably bc then I could still do fun things and come home to my parents to take care of me and my well being and all my expenses without a worry in the world. I want to go back and work at Kroger and go out on Friday nights with my coworkers and I’ll even trade in waking up at 6 am every day (maybe). Idk. I’m sad my parents can’t take care of everything for me anymore and I’m sad I’m the one who has to figure things out. Mostly I’m sad my parents can’t take care of me and everything for me anymore. I feel abandoned even though I know they’re not to blame. This sucks so much more than I ever realized it would. I always just thought it was a joke, an internet meme, but nope reality fucking sucks. I’m over it. This sucks sucks sucks.

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YAY

tomorrow is my last day of school and I'm so frikin excited I LITERALLY JUST WANT SUMMER OH MY FRIKIN GOD. partially because I've had to sit right next to my ex boyfriend for the past 3 months in my 1st hour which royally sucked actually. And with summer comes the sweet sweet liberation of hearing his voice and seeing his face. #praise. Also I'm really excited BC my friend invited me to this party her friend ( my kind of friend ) is having at her grandparents house. I've been there only once before and it's literally a mansion but the party is gonna be in the poolhouse which is literally a completely separate house all for us so score. Also this will be my first actual like stereotypical high school party and I'm so excited. My brother threw a party a few weeks back at my house but I was sick so I spent the night locked in my room while everyone had fun at my house. Nooby. Anyways I'm rly excited BC MAYBE I CAN MAKEOUT WITH SOMEONE. DRUNK BOYS WILL FLIRT WITH ME YAY. I'm probably not gonna drink maybe just a lil. I don't wanna get drunk because I never have before and I don't think it will be the safest place to experiment lol. Who knows. Maybe just one or two shots to give me some courage TO KISS. Also I'm pretty sure MP from before hates me now BC I kinda just stopped talking to him. He doesn't smile at me anymore cries. But my friend is having a birthday party this weekend at her house (much less scandalous than the party I will be attending later in the summer) and she invited him so I hope he goes so I can kiss him😂. My problem before was I just didn't wanna be alone with him also he was bein all sweet and sayin he liked me and stuff and I just wasn't looking for that. So maybe we can just kiss during spin the bottle or truth or dare or something lol. (Don't judge those games are still fun). Anyways I just really wanna kiss a boy sometime soon during the summer. I just really need to have a good summer free of attachments so I can start over next year. So im very happy and excited that tomorrow is my last day.

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looking through my ninth grade sketchbook for art class and these are the only ones I like. Actually there's another but it's framed lol.

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Ew guys lol I'm not making out with that guy I forgot he's gross and plus he kept saying he likes me and I don't like him/want a boyfriend also I would never like him he literally has no depth. And he's fucking creepy af. He's probably going to end up raping someone and not even know it. I'm disgusted with myself I actually almost cried about it BC I felt so stupid. Ugh.

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excited and also v scared

Yay omg ok there's this cute guy at my school (he's also kinda vine famous which is cool) has always kind of had a thing for me. Well idk he has a thing for a lot of girls but he's always super flirty even when I had a boyfriend and he's asked me to make out before and is super touchy-feely and what not. However when I was single and he did this I was only 14/15 and was too scared to do anything with him and he was kinda creepy tbh and I was just too inexperienced. And for the last year (give or take a few months) I was in a committed and loving relationship. Well about two months ago, that ended as you can tell from my previous posts. This boy, we'll call him MP (make out prospect, not his initials) texted me like 3 days after my boyfriend broke up with me and asked me to hang out. Now, I wasn't stupid I knew of his intentions and I was in a heartbroken state so obviously was put off and said no and what not. However now lately I've found myself just wanting to make out with someone, no strings attached. I knew he was the perfect candidate but I thought I was gonna have to wait until my friends birthday party or any party or something like that which, whatever I was fine with it. UNTIL YESTERDAY. I was with my friend at the mall and he snap chatted both of us and so I started snap chatting him back and we were both being flirty, but like joke-y flirty, ya know? Like he was like "Wendy we should be lovers" and I was like "we should probably make out" and then he snap chatted me a pic of him and one of his friends and I was like "who's that does he wanna kiss me" and he said "no ur mine" (which was rly cute btw) and yeah stuff like that. So anyways me and my friend (we'll call her Kat) were at the mall when all of this was happening and she's already kissed him before so we were both talking about how we wanted to kiss him and stuff (0% rivalry btw all we wanna do is kiss) and we were just hyped on kissing and joking about it or whatever. So then we went to her house and we FaceTimed him for like one second and then texted me. And I was like OMG I wanna kiss him. So to bring up the topic I was like "remember in art when u asked me to make out with you" and he was like yeah and I said same cuz I didn't know what to say😂 and so I was like "I'm sorry do you hate me" and he said "no I love you and want to make out" and I WAS LIKE HECK YEAH OMG. (Keep in mind i have NEVER done anything like this before seriously the only boy I've ever kissed is my ex-boyfriend and we barely did more than that). Also MP has had sex. And kissed lots more girls than me. Anyway. I said same and he said for real, when can u hang and long story short IM GOING TO HIS HOUSE NEXT FRIDAY TO MAKE OUT IM SO SCARED ALSO EXCITED. I'm scared it's gonna be awkward all week and I don't wanna meet his fam😂 oh and also the only problem is I don't know if he actually likes me and I really hope he doesn't because a.) im not ready for a relationship right now and I just wanna be single b.) I don't like him that way he's just cute and down with makin out so yeah I hope he doesn't expect anything c.) he's my kind-of-friends ex-boyfriend and my ex-boyfriend was also her ex-boyfriend so it would be like I was copying her. Also I can't drive and he's 17 but I don't know if he can/if he has a car. Worst case scenario we take the bus. But were not even that good of friends, were just flirting buddies lol. Also all morning I've just been looking up making out tips and what guys like and stuff like that cuz I'm so nervous and I've only ever done it with one boy before so idk if I even do it right. So yeah if I happen to gain any followers by next Friday and you've read this far please please give me suggestions!! I'm gonna cry omg.

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Nooooooooo

Shit a boy likes me and I don't like him and he's also in my history class god dammit... oh well at least maybe my ex will b jealous even though I would never date this guy

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first writing

The most scared I’ve ever been is when I asked the only boy I've ever loved if he still loved me. The loudest noise I’ve ever heard was the silence that followed. The following day I found out the answer was no. We ended in the same place we started and he cried with me and kissed me goodbye. I was okay. I wasn’t okay. I didn’t cry as much as I thought or watch sad movies eating ice cream in my pajamas. I didn’t scream obscenities into the wind, cursing his name. For awhile the only thing I was was a dull ache. There were a few times when the aching would crack and anguish would pour out in the form of tears at the thought that I would never be that comfortable with someone again, nobody would ever let me wait that long to touch them...there. I would have to start over. I would have to share my secrets and my family and friends all over again. I would have to find somebody who liked me back all over again. Wait for a first kiss wait for the comfortableness, normality. I couldn’t do it all again. I couldn’t. My fantasies consisted of him begging for me back, insisting he never stopped loving me. My mornings were spent trying to laugh in front of him to remind him that he used to love the sound. I just wanted him to remember. But he forgot. He forgot. That was a month and a half ago.

I now find myself giving myself mental high fives whenever I pass a spot I used to see him and I don’t even think about it. For awhile, all I wanted was to be better. And I know I’m not completely better, otherwise I wouldn’t be writing all this. But I’m better than I was. The boy I loved is not the boy I see now, the one who sits next to me in history and acts like I meant absolutely nothing to him. Acts like I wasn’t the most important thing to him for almost a year. I’m only angry. Angry that he changed and that he was cruel to me after the breakup. After the breakup that he said was harder than saying goodbye to him own father. I’m trying to let go but it’s hard when the boy you used to love is the obnoxious “funny guy” in your class. I don’t want him back anymore. Not after what he’s done. Some days I hate him. Some days I just want him to go away. I yearn for summer and the freedom from him. The freedom to move on, be single, and be away. 

I’m realizing now that it would have ended no matter what. During the whole relationship I knew we wouldn’t last forever. No one marries their high school boyfriend. I just didn’t know how or when. But he didn’t understand a lot of things I told him or tried to convey and I knew that when he barely listened to the song that meant the world to me, something was wrong. But I loved him. And I’ve recently learned that some people are completely blind when it comes to love. In the movie “Stuck In Love” the female lead admits that she has never broken up with anyone because she always tries to “make it work”. Since then I have been terrified that that will be me. I know I forgive too quickly in order not to lose those I love. I’m scared I will be this way my whole life. 

I thought I lost my innocence when I read “fifty shades of grey” in eighth grade, or maybe the first time I watched porn in ninth grade. But now I know that the real true defining moment my innocence was lost was when I realized true heartbreak. I learned that its completely possible for someone to wake up and realize they don’t love you anymore. I learned that love is a game of russian roulette and until you find “the one” someone is always going to get shot. I learned that people change and someone you considered your lover and best friend can stop being both things with a few words. That’s all. Everything is fragile. And if you find something permanent you’re really, really lucky. 

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First Post

mmk so I currently have zero followers and this text post is being sent into the void to be looked at by computer programs, viruses, maybe some creep, maybe the love of my life. To start off I’m going to talk about me. Cause im great. jk. My name’s Wendy (not really though) and im 16 years old (thats true). I live in the U.S. and I actually have a main blog on here that I will not disclose at the moment because im loving this anonymity. Anyways the reason this blog and this post came about because I was in a writing mood. You know those moods where you just crave writing, just need to get your creative juices flowing? (ew). Well I was going to just write a regular old story/poem/both but when I sat down at my computer I found myself with a raging case of writers block. I looked up writing prompts to no avail (as per usual with me). When that didn't work I found myself wanting to write about my own life and the current-goings on in it. I’m not that interesting so I have no idea why I wanted to do this. However the thought of writing to no one was too depressing so I created this blog, knowing full well maybe three people would see this, and voila! here we are. So without further ado, my writing. Keep in mind this is all true, this is my life. The only thing I’ve changed is my name.