celaenyx

[celaenyx]

She loves Kevin, he's been her day 1 best friend. She stole him from me technically speaking but I believe he's hers now. When I first got her she wouldn't approach me even with treats. She was tiny and terrified. Now she sleeps on my shoulders and brings me her Kevin to throw.

Just like a dog she has to "kill" him for a bit before bringing him back to go for me to chuck. Despite spending many hours killing him in the bath she will then sleep next to him or groom him.

[celaenyx]

[celaenyx]

Everything reminds me of him

“Someone somewhere is searching for you in every person they meet.”

— Unknown

[celaenyx]

I live for this

I would love to be wealthy enough to travel and eat many dishes. I used to be a fussy eater and I've always been broke. Being able to eat well means everything to me. Unfortunately due to some health issue it's hard for me to cook as I did before.

I'm so glad sushi is orderable now. The things I can get delivered are amazing. When I visit my friends near the big cities the choices are seemingly endless. More interesting markets as well. I miss rose tea every day. If you find the good stuff it's unreal. Sweeter than you'd expect with layers of flavour. It makes me feel more grounded and yet relaxed with each sip. Every swig feels deeper than the last and before you realise the cups empty and you feel warm and clear.

[celaenyx]

I am happy. Stomach is full. Peace is here. I am safe. I fought so hard for this. I want to live not just survive and I'm doing it. Surrounded by animals that are sweet and fussy.

[celaenyx]

I've been told before that I am a closed book or hard to read at times... which is strange/interesting as to me i am such an oversharer. Perhaps I simply shared less before than I do now, but still less so than others? I don't always have much to express. I feel quite neutral about most things despite how I can passionately argue for one point or another. I mostly want to let others be as they let me.

It can be frustrating though, neutrality gets misread as apathy a lot. I think apathy is more negative though. I have lots I feel deeply about but at what circumstance would I share these feelings. It's hard to know when to be vulnerable or self express. Timing can be everything with people. If a song can be rejected one day and enjoyed the next, people's emotions are a lot more complex I'd argue. Does decisiveness mean being blind to other opinions or does it mean you already are open to many/enough?

It's frustrating because I care for the people I choose to have around deeply. The wars I'd wage for them. I just haven't seen many healthy expressions of love I guess. So I want to protect and fight but I struggle to relax or be the peace. It feels restless. It's hard to stop pushing and fighting when you've been wired to believe that if you stop you lose value. It's hard to explain the depths of thoughts I have. It's like there's many layers of personality over one thing. It feels like people hear what I say and see the square not the cube. I feel that with the prior statement, it's not wholly how I feel but usually I'm paused before I can digress (sometimes I need to stop assuming the audience understands there's layers to every thought). I of course understand on a conscious level that I create my own value for myself, I am the master of my own universe ect. I wish an irrational insecurity expressed wasn't taken as me thinking and announcing it as rational. It happens a lot. People make assumptions based on the very surface layer of what I say. I can't blame them I also struggle to see outside myself. It feels like so many people simply lose the skill to see outside themselves, stopped practicing or never learnt it as a skill.

It's frustrating because it doesn't come to me naturally but I then remember that all humans are flawed, very few people are having one of their best days right now and under that assumption we can give some level of empathy to their circumstance as an individual. Some things are inexcusable of course but we can't blame others fully for how present they are that day. If the weather turns my mind feels foggy.

[celaenyx]

I'm so old I now enjoy peep show. It took 24 years but finally I get adult comedy.

In all fairness British comedy in particular likes creating these awkward, cringe scenarios and I just couldn't cope watching them when i was younger. I'd die inside watching it all play out, each pause felt like an eternity.

It's a strange milestone to observe. I know it happened later for me than for most in being able to appreciate the comedy for what it is. It's just strange that awkward comedies were once so unbearable and I'd leave the room till the scene ended, now I chuckle like I've seen an old friend do the same routine mistakes they've done a hundred times in front of me before. Suddenly it's palatable and genius instead of making me feel like I was dying with each passing second.

I wonder if people will find my little thought page after I die. A part of me hopes someone will and we can laugh over how silly my posts were as an angsty teen, or last year when I dated idiot number#??? Another part likes this private none private diary. I feel like i can voice what I need to without the societal expectations placed on my words. I don't need to over apologise for strange thoughts which can get tiring. I don't have to worry about lack of comprehension or misreading what I've put. It just is and that's great

[celaenyx]

I feel prickly

[celaenyx]

I've found someone who is so convincing in the love they have for me. I want to believe it and let my mind soften and relax. I want to throw down the weight my head holds and blindly trust. I'm tired of maintaining mental barriers to protect myself.

I just can't believe it. Too many times have I thought this is it. "I'm finally seen with someone", who was emotionally blind it turns out.

I have every faith in this relationship. And I'm aware it's all rational. This is someone I've never had a reason to distrust, I've known them a long time through each of our individual struggles. I've seen them at points of weakness and thought someone has never looked more emotionally intelligent. Because from what I've seen of them, their version of weakness is anybody else at their strongest.

I have this powerful and consuming respect for them. They're all i see and all I've seen for some time. Before we were romantically involved I'd listen to them talk about their troubles, their fears or rage. I've never seen such beautiful rage. Not that I'd wish it on them, just that they feel it and the way it's felt was so deep. Their anxieties I found inspiring to think more deeply about my inner world and as a friend they were and are someone I want to be like. I want to have such deep understanding of feelings of my world view. To manage and maintain their feelings how they do is something I fight for, invisibly, intensely.

I try in vain to describe such a long times admiration. I truly think this person deserves the softest kindest life. And I am terrified I'm not the one to provide it.

I've had such fucked up examples of love that when it comes to the repeated tiny acts of it I feel I cone short. I feel there's always more I could be doing I just haven't learnt what it is yet, like the next invention of the hug coming to fruition is on my shoulders to create.

Painting or writing a song or sculpting, none of it captures my feelings. Usually I can write poetry and it flows easily but here I am wordless. Grasping at ink to flow into my thoughts and show the words I long to be heard and felt that I can't find myself to present to you. If I could cut my arms and bleed my feelings for you to see bare I would. The fear of rejection would kill me before the blood loss.

If I could stand in front of them now I'd tell them I want them forever, that I can't envision other people. There's no doubts or second glances at anyone else. There's just you and this intense deep seated knowledge that thats all I need and want. I want to grow and cry and fight together until all that's left is the laughter we've shared before. No one makes me laugh like this or feel shy like this or want to believe for a second maybe this is real

[celaenyx]

I feel like I'm starting the get the joke the universe set up for me.

Maybe I had too many shrooms

[celaenyx]

Feast for the beast

[celaenyx]

Feast for the beast

[celaenyx]

Now I have Adhd that's currently unmedicated because my area has 0 resources for it.

I've been losing weight day by day I've gotten to 7st 3, I weighed 8st 10 years ago as a teen.

I've been struggling with money, there's been vet bills this month coupled with some surprise charges here and there. Typical life of adult with adhd is forgetting bills exist. Usually when I'm paid I pay for everything immediately, this month I messed up.

It left me with little to no food for myself for the month, just barebones of pasta, potatoes and rice. I mentioned this to my mom and she took me grocery shopping and got a few ready meals.

I avoid ready meals as they aren't very cost effective anymore. But oh my God I wish they were.

Yesterday i spent 6 hours cooking. Just cooking. None of the ensuing clean up. I'm doing that today as I have SO much time. I'm cleaning while waiting for food. Fucking revolutionary.

I think ready meals should be made more accessible to people with adhd or other disabilities. I'm aware there are some charities for the elderly already. We shouldn't have to rely on that.

I love ramen I love Noodles, I live for cooking. I CANNOT eat it/do it every single day. I have maybe a third of the energy levels someone usually would. I struggle to stay on task because running a house requires a LOT of cognitive function for someone who can't process basic casual conversations properly. Every time I go out there's a misunderstanding. People have to sound things out slowly (ADHD can be comorbid with glue ear) then I have to say what they've said in my head. This isn't every day but it is close. The rare days I feel awake and conscious I rush to clean or catch up on what I've forgotten/ been too burnt out to do.

A ready meal saves me the stress of deciding what I can still make based on what I have and then having to spend hours prepping. Frozen pre sliced mushrooms mean I bother to eat them. The mental block when you're exhausted is so strong for adhd. I wish it was something I could make others understand

[celaenyx]

Someone that leaves things for you instead of takes.

I come home to an extra jar of honey ready for when the current one ends

I have smokes and everything needed to roll them

I have food i like got in anticipation of their absence. To be looked after, cared for, after someone isn't there still.

A simple kind of unconditional love?

My cupboards have been filled instead of emptied. My heart is lighter when they go. I miss them when they're gone

But my heart isn't a weight I must carry till I see them next.

[celaenyx]

Mad as I - original poem by me- inspired by many

No one does mad quite like i do

Some people just bring fourth the crazy within you

My hair is wild and free

The knots are tales of the life I lead

Unwaving is a state I long to be

I'm finding myself shake looking to destiny

Where will I find this feminine strength

I know I haven't found much in men

To be bold to be audacious

A visual answer to everybody's prayers

Till you open your mouth, they realise you're probably closer to Satan

Is it by the flow I speak or the speed I walk

Is it kindness or assertiveness I choose for my talk

I know many have listened and gawked, at the audacity that is me

Simply I live to be free

I won't be constrained by the cinema of who I am

Your projections mean nothing washed off like bloody hands

Yours are stained red with the lives you've lead and I'm still standing

High I hold my head

[celaenyx]

I'm so nervous I just didn't think this was where the plot was going. Got this deep seated fear I'm fucking up every step of the way and I'm trying to push through it and be a chill guy. I dunno man. I've never dated someone so pretty they make me stupid. Honestly thought it was a tv trope but nope I lose all control over how my nose crinkles around them. I cannot work out if this is obvious to said person.

When's he gonna figure out he's so smart and kind and honest and I'm just a fuck up trying to get fate into order and being tangled up in the process.

[celaenyx]

I wants