celestialthinking

[celestialthinking]

“Rejection is the reason why people deny their true feelings.”

— Unknown

[celestialthinking]

1 year 4 days later

Still heavily introvert-leaning

Leaning more into my support system

I'm learning to be eclectic with myself

Her name is Aurora; she's a 4-year-old brown tabby. She's gorgeous, and I love her to death.

Being my authentic self a little more every day

My thoughts on 4/20/2024

It is 10:28pm where I am right now. I’ve been high for about 3 hours. My soul sister emptied her dinner and passed out. I am now wrapped in her weighted blanket watching a documentary about rare antique books. (The Booksellers, 2021)

Anyway, I am a huge 🍃 user, supporter, and advocate. So in honor of 4/20 I will be writing every unfiltered thought here and post it at 12am. It’ll only be about an hourish dive it’s so late but oh well. This is vulnerable for me but it’s a way to step outside my comfort circle.

Keep in mind this might be be long.

Okay here we go….

well now my mind is blank, nice

At 25 I am definitely discovering the introverted side of me. After years of feeling lonely, I don’t have the need to seek further relationships because I am now finally allowing myself to heal. I guess from the ages of 20-25 I was learning how to be on my own, and I for the most part did learn. Well I also learned that you truly can’t do much alone. It’ll always take a village.

I think it’s truly time to let my eclectic self shine.

Maybe one day I’ll get a cat

I am staring to embrace my true nerdy, uncool self. For so many years I had to follow the trends and what was cool to feel like I fit in even just a little bit. But who even cares anymore? I spent so many years trying to fit that I don’t want to waste anymore time not being my authentic self.

And it’s 12:00am… another 4/20 in the books. Sorry it was so short, I did start late.

[celestialthinking]

She’s everything I'm supposed to be

She’s pretty. She’s smart. She's successful. She's poised. She comes from a harsh, traditional family that’s occasionally toxic. She’s beautiful. We go to the same college, and she has achieved everything I should have. Not that it was ever meant for me, anyway. How does it seem like she’s perfect when I know she's not? She's all I want to be. Yet, I feel like I dodged a bullet. She's everything I'm supposed to be, but it's not who I am.

I.L.

[celestialthinking]

You know what I don’t like about you? You try to fit me in this box when I’m not meant to be in one.

[celestialthinking]

I love the girl more than I love the city

[celestialthinking]

[celestialthinking]

The one that actually got away

Love is weird.

I was with J and then D, but the one who got away was you, T. You had me from the moment we partnered up in English class. I hurt you, and through all the stupid high school drama, that was my biggest regret. I should’ve ended it all and fought for you. I realized way too late that I had fallen for you. We were so different, and I selfishly tried to turn you into something I wanted when, in reality, I just wanted you. You were always on my mind and in my heart. Now I understand why so many people were so intimidated by you. And I wish I had chosen you every single time. I don't even remember if I ever told you I loved you. I loved you. I fell for you. And I regret not fighting for you and letting you slip from my grasp. You are the one that got away. 

[celestialthinking]

It is normal to hate people who hurt you.

It is a normal human response to hate somebody who hurts you.

Even if sometimes they are really nice.

Even if they say they are sorry.

Even if they're family.

Your brain is wired to protect you. It protects you by recognising patterns and creating negative output when you are exposed to something dangerous.

It is not your fault their mistreatment of you was so commonplace, your brain had no choice but to label them dangerous to keep you safe.

[celestialthinking]

[celestialthinking]

[celestialthinking]

“She drinks in his honeyed whispers.”

— Apollon Maikov, tr. Boris Dralyuk, by from “Red-Nosed Frost,” wr. c. 1864

[celestialthinking]

Knowing your frontal lobe is developing is such a weird sensation

[celestialthinking]

[celestialthinking]

[celestialthinking]

"what lasts longer than love?"

"loss."

- vesmir

[celestialthinking]

[celestialthinking]

The Heart

I wonder how many things we hide inside, afraid to let them collide. How many feelings do we deny, in fear of what they might imply? How many dreams do we let slip away, and how long does it take for the pain to go away?