celiaamb

[celiaamb]

I sometimes think, in a very narcissistic way, that I am the whole world, the entire humanity, and therefore the origin and creator of all my woes, all my pain. For what is this world if not a punishment designed for me?

-celiaamb

[celiaamb]

I asked a psychic what he saw in my future.

He told me he was blinded in that matter, for nothing seemed to exist. I told myself that it was only lies and I never believed in psychics or fortune tellers anyway. Yet I knew it was too late; it would keep me up at night, close to my chest, gripping me like second skin, holding me like a lover, circling me like chains. It stayed in my heart; I seemed to believe much more in my demise and doom than in any good news.

I thought of my future, I tried to imagine it, and I realized I could not blame this man for I, too, was left lost and bereft, short of any image. I fear I have no grand future; I fear monotony will absorb me. I wish I had written that just to make a poem, but as you can read, it is not a poem. I must, I told myself, confess to someone, to something, anything; I must, for solitude will become my soul if I do not. I must leave a mark. I’m desperate for humanity, for conversation.

After reflection, I realized with much dread that a fortune teller or psychic's job is to invent things about your future to make you happy, to make you hope, and, above all, to make you come back so he can make a living off of this (or it was my belief). Now, did this man not want to lie and pretend today, or was he truly incapable of seeing my future? Both cases are truly fearsome: in the first, he didn’t want to lie to me (which he usually does), and that shows, I think, how pathetic and sad I must look, but also how uninspiring I apparently am. In the second, the man is legit, which means I ought to believe in this profession and that he was being truthful. I would rather take being so insignificant that I do not even spark a once of imagination, I believe. Either way, it is to say I am a ghost.

[celiaamb]

Delicate profound eyes, you have profaned all of my stares, all of my urges. Lost and lonely, I pray restlessly, murmuring, begging god, for you to remember me. I swore that your lips are the gates of heaven, that your hands are the garden of eden, that your love is the master of my soul. I testified of all of my loyalty and when asked where my heart lies I answered with your name. Dear, your light has blinded me. My torment ! My ache!

My burning ! My greed!

My craving! My love!

My dream !

-celiaamb

[celiaamb]

Hope is the tyrant of life. If I should cease to dream it will the mirror of my last breath.

-celiaamb

[celiaamb]

At night, I can no longer rest; I have no more dreams; if I'm not to be a writer, it would be as if I could no longer see the light of the sun. How to run from my own choices, how to escape my poetry?

-celiaamb

[celiaamb]

I sometimes dream violently of monsters and gods, of cruelty and saviors.

I am scared, I admit it. I can no longer bear the thought of a life, it all seems so horribly boring. I will ( I know I can) die of boredom.

How to hope, how to live when the sky is no longer to be infinite but a limit itself? I will beseech if I must, I did in the past, I will sacrifice.

My dreams are eating me alive, they are devouring me. Growling, I know they are hungry for more. Of flesh and bone they want to be made of, if they please, or perhaps must, my body will be their mean, their carrion.

Sleep is havoc; no solace reside there. I could not be more lonely if the earth was deserted. My heart is eating itself, deprived, starved of love and yet filled with it to give. I fear this was the only possible end. My whole being is cannibal, I feed on my life, I fear for my life. Do you understand ? I can not withstand its carnivore behavior .

My hands are shaking, cowards, afraid they are of writing my story, but wherever they might put me can not be too different. I'm terrified above all of being trapped. What of all those artists, those writers imprisoned into mindless jobs, of those souls punished before time, THOSE LIFE SENTENCES!

At night, I can no longer rest; I have no more dreams; if I'm not to be a writer, it would be as if I could no longer see the light of the sun. How to run from my own choices, how to escape my poetry?

Please, Please, Please, I am begging! Don't trap me!

Let me write, let me live, let me think. What is the good in all of those thoughts, all of those woes if I am not be a poet, and what good will my wits and my mind be to me in a bare white room? My brain will burn; I would sooner give up on love!

What if I spent my entire life writing for no one to read me? What if I spend all my time to love with no one to love me?

Those poems will have known only my eyes; this heart will have known only absence?

I am beseeching, I am begging, I am crying, I am wailing. Heaven, Lord, do not let me grief a dream; do not let me grief a life I will not have. I fear I have nothing more to sacrifice.

-celiaaamb

how to not sink ?

[celiaamb]

Time is rushing like a lover losing interest.

-celiaamb

( i will beseech until my end .)

[celiaamb]

Did you not see this shadowy heaven is called lost and empty ?

Did you not hear this humming melody is the agony of the martyrs ?

From this earth we make our hell. Some will wander, others will pray but all in this life will question the morals of the sky.

-celiaamb

[celiaamb]

I am lonely,

and I will lie through my teeth that it is alright, that this is my will.

Yet, through the world, I will know the true nature of solitude, this disguised punishment, for God could have only created one human.

Are we made to resist absence?

This earth is filled with lives; God created us in mass. I sometimes think that Adam himself was lonely in paradise, and therefore the Lord blessed him with something to live for. Loneliness is a punishment; remember child, Babylon and its tower, their long-lost garden once resembling the one of Eden. By separating the humans, the sky damned us for the rest of eternity. It is companionship that will protect us from gloom. With whom will I share my dream with? To whom will I write? I have no one to dedicate my writing to.

-CeliaAmb'

[celiaamb]

When all the ghosts fade away, I'm alone at night trying to imagine their faces.

Suddenly this party is ringing in my mind; their laughters morph into my cries.

My mind begged like a faithless man in front of God; my hand reached and shook like a last breath; my heart welled and wailed like a wounded lover crying over his soulmate's death.

Solitude stomped his feet, knocked three times, and walked in hand with hysteria. This isn't a theater nor a spectacle, but all the voices sing this opera.

How long will I be left alone? How long will I have to wait?

What if it is my entire life? until I reach the grand gate?

I fear I cannot be tamed, but how to live unloved?

Whom will I laugh with? Whom will I smile to?

In my existence, I will have known silence, symphonies devoid of my voice and on my deathbed I will have no eyes to remember, no hands to hold to the unknown.

At the trial I will stand with no one to search for, for I am the loneliest lover.

I know I won't missed only regretted !

-CeliaAmb

[celiaamb]

Your eyes looked at me, I swear they saw me.

I urge to see again, my mind keeps demanding your name .

Did I cross you thoughts ? Dear, you have become all of my dreams, all of my pleas.

Across the flames of the eternal inferno I will follow you, sharing your pain will be to me more exquisite than any paradise, for you I will bet on any losing dice.

Once empty, my heart keeps searching for you. How brief you made eternity, how tempting you made agony. How I long for you and for how long, I now urge time to rush when I used to cry as it flied. How I deeply cherish you, could it be you are my heart itself ?

Your voice is a playing melody in my tormented mind, and how out of it I will become if I shall ever forget it. In each of my breath, I become more pressed to meet you again, to caught a glimpse of you, for my memories to renew. Is this starvation, is this yearning ? Delicate profound eyes, you have profaned all of my stares, all of my urges. Lost and lonely, I pray restlessly, murmuring, begging god, for you to remember me. I swore that your lips are the gates of heaven, that your hands are the garden of eden, that your love is the master of my soul. I testified of all of my loyalty and when asked where my heart lies I answered with your name. Dear, your light has blinded me. My torment ! My ache!

My burning ! My greed!

My craving! My love!

My dream !

How to live if not with my eyes closed where I meet you?

How to feel if not with your shivering voice? How to breathe if not with the hope, the desperation of you ?

Blood runs down my mouth, I no longer appear civilized. My desertion of you lead me to this fervent dawn, my eyes have stayed in the dark in fear of losing your sight. My unreliable hands, are no longer able to rest still, shaking forever in the anticipation of holding yours.

I will ignore laws and virtues, I will forget agony and bliss and my soul shall a remain an open swollen wound until my life is reunited with yours.

Yours, yours, yours, can I be yours ? will you please let me .....

Impetuous love who shall never lay, deprived heart of your own, if I must this earth will be turned to chaos, the rivers and lakes will become veins, the cities and mountains will be turned into graveyards for you to reign.

My hope, if cursed I am to never hear you laugh and feel my heart come alive at the sight of your smile again, I will know I have loved a soulmate that is not mine and hell will be a much more clement punishment to my crimes.

-CeliaAmb'

[celiaamb]

Dear mother do you like me ?Do you resent me ?

Dear mother do you love me or do you hate me ?

Dear mother am I the line between love and hate ?

( What a fine line ! just want to know if you really love me or if you hate me and yourself for the regrets you carry. )

- CeliaAmb'

[celiaamb]

Dear time,

Clement, cruel time.

Tell me, play with me, play for me, the melody of thousand lives and dances, the melody of life and dance through it.

The melody of the ghosts I will never get to meet, of the feelings I will never be able to feel. The melody of my sorrow and grief when you leave, the rhythm of my tears when unheard go all of my if you please.

Do you love me dearest time ? For each moment I spend with you seems to be rushed. Will you kiss my face so I may stay young forever, kiss my mind so I will always remember but let my soul out of it for already old she is and in need to go. Dear time I shall want to stay the same, and I do not want to grow up if it means the people that I love are growing old. I have never been more afraid of anything than you, terrorized, you grip me by my wrist but are you hands not at my throat, counting the heartbeats that I have left before you leave, passing your time. Of love and hate you are the cruelest, dear lover am I your prisoner ?

When I lay at night, when I see the light, in health and illness, in happiness and misery, I think of you, I fear you. How deeply I cherish you and despise you, how generous and miser you are, you have marked my writing like one day you will mar my face.

I wasted all my years, all my dreams, praying you, begging you, tyrant, holder of my love, master of my life. Did you kiss my grief, wed my sadness ? for I swear they scream your name.

I'm a full ripe fruit hanging on this blossomed tree and one day you will devour me. I will be your prettiest creation before being your worst. I will never forget you, so come my torment, come my love and apologize to me, to this life I dedicated to you at your dictation.

-CeliaAmb'

[celiaamb]

The sky is empty,

God has left us, abounded us, to burn, on this hell we made for ourselves. At night, satan laughs at us, priding himself for not kneeling in front of such a creature. Simple mortals who act like they are immortal, idiotic fools who destruct themselves alone, without my help, but curse my name for those demons they became.

At night, satan laughs at me, she sinned and punished herself all alone he sings.

The angels despise us, for how profane we made the creation of god, how cruel and barren we made this earthly heaven, a useless sacrificed maiden, but to whom was this offering dedicated, who did it pay ? They too went away and shall lit the flames and awake the waves.

On this gigantic space, infinity will be know as damnation, demons reigns are over, we took the power. Cemeteries are filled with bodies but no tombs, no affection can endure this chaos, before trying it is already lost. Sadness plays itself like love, addicting and much more intense, it is a hopeless existence, it is a life sentence.

Once avid it is now l'appel du vide who caresses our hearts, who murmures our names, how to land without aims ?

Blind, in plain sight, Lucifer hides, yet is not near to be deciphered, did we look away purposely, did we close our eyes on agony ?

We will suffocate and satan will rename this planet inferno, no, but dear don't you hear the devil calls this earth home. Oh disastrous hubris, outrageous greed, the humains are out of humanity, full of vain futilities. Once fertile grounds have now come to be empty, of any vitality. Don't you see god has left us, for this is our punishment, we have been judged and left to face our own demons.

Clay will burn from the fire.

I wouldn't bet a dime on humanity, I too wouldn't have kneel.

-CeliaAmb'

[celiaamb]

All this torment has lead to nothing, those ashes will stay on this ground stomped by the succession of time. This life has lead to misery, those bones will be thrown, what a vile dawn. This heart has loved but has it been loved ?.... Hush, even solitude left, how did you chase loneliness itself and now what do you call yourself ?

-CeliaAmb'

[celiaamb]

Hell is grief devouring us… 

Tender love how wicked you have turned with no one to devote yourself to.

Atrocious heart how did you wound yourself when I vowed myself to forget. 

It is divine to suffer.

I will see you forever, burning in my love and burdened at my hands trying to reach the sky without end. I will hold your sins and carry them up hills and mountains. In my agony, I will see your eyes, at night, among the stars.

Dear pain, it is blood that will paint her name over and over again. 

Out of my tears this barren land will be called garden of Eden .

Why keep those memories we will never live them again ?

What is life deprived from its vitality, and what will make me fight against time if not the faces of those that makes me resent my youth and cherish it all at once ?

-CeliaAmb'

[celiaamb]

Life is immortal, immoral, and I cannot die.

Life is cruel, merciless, ruthless, and it is my only purpose.

Life is reckless, painful, hurtful, and it is my only love.

Life is dark and light, and yet each other they will embrasse.

Life is short, its length measured in loves and losses, and I am already old and young.

Love is not life, yet yours left me bare of any that used to live in me, hand in hand they left me.

Life is ephemeral and eternal. I will remember you for a time that time itself won't be knowing. I will pray your name at my final judgment, in a final defense to save my soul, a prayer for my heaven and to god. I will bear this life and bore the scars proudly, swaying, showing the world I have been loved by you. God, I know will punish me for it. For the too great love I devoted and devote to you.For my eyes worshipping you, for making you my religion and my angel.For making you my savior and heaven.For you were my life.

-CeliaAmb'