chaelov-blog

[chaelov-blog]

[chaelov-blog]

[chaelov-blog]

ADRENALINE

Charged with an irreplaceable adrenaline, the "mistake" you are deliberating making justifies itself as "willful disobedience". As if the justification alerts the rest of your body and those that find out your transgressions in the future. As if it wasn't a decision contemplated and depended on. As if the moment was on a spur and the thought of carrying it out makes you shy and giddy with the careful innocence of a child sneaking a dirty magazine off the dentist office shelf while their mother undergoes a cleaning. Under the eye of a watchful hygienist unable to comment, the act is virtually unnoticed and unpunished.

[chaelov-blog]

I tripped on your snarl and grimaced as I fell

You said you'd make for me up a heaven but

You made me up a hell

[chaelov-blog]

Adjust your perspective

Change your mind

Please don't leave me behind

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Quivering silence. Still noise.

[chaelov-blog]

Monster Love

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Try living in a body that you hate with a mind you can't control Try kissing lips you don't deserve and holding hands with a monster

[chaelov-blog]

Whisper me a secret, tell me a lie I know that you secretly wish I would die But it's okay, I do too Make it look like an accident and I'll let you Push me in the river Cover me in tar Don't let them know that I let it get this far My secret that I'll tell you, right before my lie, is that I didn't really want this, and I Actually did try But now it is too hard for me to not be ashamed that I did this to myself and no one else can be blamed. Now for the lie, it's that I want to die. But I don't see another way and so i'll let you while I cry.

[chaelov-blog]

It's funny cause they say it's fun and you think it's stupid but you try anyways and then you're gone It's funny cause they say it makes you feel less and you think that's insane until you're so gone and you try it and it's true It's funny cause they cant see under my bed even when they look It's funny cause they can't see the knife in my hand even when I show them It's funny cause they choose what they want to see and that means pain isn't there It's funny cause every time they try and "help" I fAll deeper and then pretend I'm ok It's funny cause they can't see my eyes are bloodshot and my hands are shaking and I fall It's funny cause they think they taught me a lesson but the only thing I learned is to not listen anymore They think I can't be serious They think I can't plan How many empty bottles have I cleared after seconds in my hand How many weeks went by Where I stared and saw nothing

[chaelov-blog]

British cafe

I made eye contact with three people. Three people in this crowded cafe. Three more people who won't ask about my day. Three more souls who just don't care If I was sitting here or even brushed my hair. The fragility of life, A well known concept I'm sure. Is illuminated here and well now life's a blur. Sitting. Sinking. Loving well. How would they know? I've created my own personal hell.