chaoticandstuff

[chaoticandstuff]

What should one do if there isn't anything we can do?

[chaoticandstuff]

My reaction to my old diary

I visited my grandmother's home this week. I lived here since my mom and dad broke up and came for visits after I went away for college and work. As is always the case, whenever I'm here, I peeked into the home library and found a familiar notebook.

I didn't think much about what's inside but I knew it has to be mine. I used to collect notebooks and make it into a diary.

I had nothing else to do so I brought the notebook out with me at the front porch.

As soon as I read the first few lines, I knew right away that the contents in those pages are about the man I loved.

It was heavily nostalgic.

I smiled remembering everything. I was amazed at how well I have described my feelings and how detailed my writings were. I remembered bits and pieces, and questioned some moments to be real. The events in those pages happened almost a decade ago after all.

I know the guy got married the same year I did. And we are happy in our own separate lives. I have stopped wondering what could have become of us if we didn't break up and accepted our fates with a grateful heart.

We are not meant to be together in the end. But we were meant to cross each other's paths and fall in love and break each other's hearts. We were meant to spark a fire and burn for each other and rise again from the ashes. We haven't talked since, and we'd probably not meet again, but I know I'm grateful for his part in my journey and would greet him with a smile if we ever meet again.

****

PS

Tag him if you know him. Gregory John Palad

[chaoticandstuff]

Was it a wish? Or a memory?

Nights like this, when I'm alone with only my desk lamp illuminating the room, makes me think of things I shouldn't be thinking. Not now, not ever, not anymore.

Sometimes I wonder.. if the things that are in my head really did happen. Or were they only products of my ever active imagination?

[chaoticandstuff]

Milo Everyday

Filipino kids, especially those who were born in the 90s in a not-so-poor family, know this: Milo is a staple breakfast drink. Some parents would mix the Milo chocolate powder with milk powder, either to make it last longer or because they think it tastes better.

On that day though, the Milo jar was empty.

"There's no more Milo," I said.

I never thought that simple phrase could change my life forever.

----

A week before that eventful day was Father's Day. Our church had asked my Dad to give a message to the congregation that Sunday, and rightfully so. After all, he was the president of the church committee and our family was the family of the year the previous Christmas.

He didn't make it.

It was fine because we thought it can't be helped. He was working on the next island and his boss had some last minute job for him that required him to change his days off.

Let me remind you that cellphone was very seldom those days. We use landline, and long distance charges were very expensive.

It was his birthday Tuesday that week and we were all excited to surprise him with a phone call to his work.

"He's not here. He's on day off," said the Jail Officer who answered.

"But he's not here," I said.

"Look, kid, I'm not sure what's going on but he's not here... Since Friday."

I remember this too well, like a movie played in slow motion: I was stunned, as if the ground had collapsed underneath my feet. My mom was just a few feet away from me so she might have heard our conversation. I was frozen in place, unable to speak. My thoughts ran wild with questions. I don't understand. I'm too confused.

I looked behind me and mom was looking at me. My feelings must have leaked on my face for she grabbed the receiver from my hand and asked the officer the same questions I had asked.

I hovered near, fidgeting with my hands.

I wanted to know if I heard the officer right, but I also didn't want to hear the answer. I am praying with all my might that I had only misheard everything.

Mommy placed the receiver back and took her time before facing me and my younger brother who was only in his second grade at that time.

I didn't know what emotion to paste into my face. Should I pretend like I didn't hear it myself?

I think I tried to smile. But my mom looked mad and it scared me even more.

She said, "Look at what your father is up to now."

I wasn't able to speak. I was still so confused. This was something that only happens on TV.

Suddenly, my beautiful, perfect family isn't perfect anymore.

Days dragged on, gloomier by the day. What's going to happen now?